What Is Phubbing in Relationships and How to Stop It

We live in the information age where it’s difficult not to get sucked down the social media black hole. You aren’t alone if you spend hours looking at your smartphone and can’t stop checking your social media every few minutes.  

Whether you admit it or not, it’s more than likely that you’ve phubbed someone or been phubbed by others. But what is phubbing behavior anyway? Well, simply put, avoiding your partner to pay attention to your phone is what phubbing means.

You might be wondering how cell phone use and relationships are even correlated. You’re in the same room with your partner and listening to them while texting a friend. What’s so wrong with that? This may come as a shock, but phubbing does hurt your relationship. 

In this article, we’ll discuss what phubbing is, signs to know if you’re a phubber, the effects of phubbing in relationships, and how to stop it from ruining your relationship and mental health. 

What is Phubbing in a Relationship?

The term ‘phubbing’ was first coined in May 2012 by an Australian advertising agency and became popular through their campaign called ‘Stop Phubbing.’ So, what does the term phubbing mean? It’s a portmanteau of two words-phone and snubbing. 

Now, what is phone snubbing? Phubbing is phone snubbing. It’s the act of snubbing someone by paying attention to your smartphone. So, it happens when you start to ignore someone you’re talking with in person in favor of your mobile phone. 

Learning what is phubbing can be easier to identify if we can detect phubbing examples within relationships. 

Here’s a phubbing example that shows what it looks like. Maybe you’re texting back a friend who lives a thousand miles away while you’re sitting at the dinner table and about to have a meal with your spouse. That’s phubbing right there. You might argue, ‘how’s it phubbing? I’m just replying to a friend’s text’. 

There’s nothing wrong with trying to stay in touch with your friend. But the problem is you need to pay more attention to your partner who’s interested to know more about your day and probably feeling left out and hurt.

A study found that smartphone addiction is the culprit behind your phubbing behavior, along with FOMO(The fear of missing out), internet addiction, and lack of self-control. It also showed that 17% of people engage in phubbing at least four times a day, while another 32% are phubbed 2-3 times daily. 

How can that not affect our relationships and mental health? 

6 signs you or your partner are a phubber

It can become difficult to understand what is phubbing, but its signs can help you detect it within your relationship. Let’s look into the signs of a phubber. 

1. They check their phone every time it rings, even during a conversation.
2. From the bathroom to the dinner table- phubbers take their phone almost everywhere.
3. No matter what they’re doing or with whom, a phubber may keep looking at their phone.
4. Even when lying next to their partner, phubbers hold onto their phone instead of giving full attention to their partner.
5. They may halfheartedly talk to the person they’re with while texting other people who aren’t around.
6. They immediately reach out for their phone when awkward silence or a lull in the conversation happens.

4 ways how phubbing ruins your relationship

What is phubbing in a relationship? Well, it happens when one partner texts somebody, scrolling through their Facebook news feed, or plays games instead of giving attention to the other partner.

1. Low marital satisfaction

Not only is it quite rude to your partner, but phubbing in a marriage can also be particularly detrimental. A study found that depression and lower marital satisfaction can result from a couple’s phubbing behavior toward each other.

2. Poor mental health

Also, conflicts arising from phubbing can negatively affect your relationship satisfaction and psychological well-being. You might wonder how cell phones destroy relationships or why texting ruins relationships. 

It’s because phubbing might make your partner feel unimportant when you’re busy scrolling through your phone while they’re trying to have a conversation with you. Your partner should never have to compete with an electronic device for your attention.

3. Emotional disconnect

When that becomes a regular thing, they may feel emotionally disconnected from you. Also, conflicts may arise over the phubber’s cell phone addiction if the phubbed partner’s primary love language is quality time. 

If they feel like their partner is prioritizing their cell phone over someone, they may feel alone and excluded. Also, phubbers may spend much time on social media and fall into a comparison trap. 

Comparing their relationship to other couples on Facebook or Instagram may lead to low relationship satisfaction. Phubbing might help you connect with people far from you through texts or emails.

But, it can be quite damaging to your in-person interaction with your partner, which can cause a rift in your relationship. Much research has been done on the impact of phubbing on people’s mental health and relationships. 

Related Reading: How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship?

4. Poor communication

Phubbing has been linked to poor quality of communication and overall relationship dissatisfaction. It can also negatively affect phubbees’ mental health as they feel neglected by their partner.  

A survey done by Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business showed that a whopping 46.3 percent of people were being phubbed by their partner, and 22.6 percent stated that the phubbing caused conflict in their relationships. Also, 36.6 percent felt depressed due to phubbing.

How phubbing affects mental health

Phubbing disrespects the phubbee (who’s on the receiving end of phubbing). When they’re being phubbed, it’s normal for them to feel neglected, excluded, and uncomfortable, which can significantly impact their mental health.

To avoid feeling like that, the phubbed person might now start to use their phone and thus start a cycle of phubbing. However, phubbing doesn’t only affect the mental health of the person being phubbed. It’s harmful to the phubber as well. 

For a study conducted by the University of British Columbia, Canada, over 300 people were recruited to eat a meal with their friends or family at a restaurant. The results revealed that phubbers enjoyed their food less. 

Neither did they feel as engaged as those who refrained from phubbing at the table.

Research has also shown that phubbing threatens four of our’ fundamental needs’- belongingness, self-esteem, meaningful existence, and control — by making phubbed people feel rejected and unimportant.

Excessive social media use during phubbing might cause depressive feelings and general dissatisfaction with life. It can worsen anxiety symptoms as well. So phubbing does more damage than just ruining relationships and killing the bond between partners.

7 ways to avoid phubbing

Here’s how you can overcome your cell phone addiction and break the habit of phubbing.

1. Acknowledge the problem

Like any other problem, the first step in avoiding phubbing is recognizing that you’re doing it. Become more self-aware and catch yourself in the act the next time your partner has to ask you the same question twice because of phubbing.

Related Reading: 30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

2. Create no-phone zones

Don’t let phubbing interrupt the quality time you’re supposed to spend with your partner to have a healthy and meaningful relationship. Make your dinner table, bedroom, and car no-phone zones and put the phones and tablets away. 

You may put your phone on silent or turn on ‘Do not disturb’ mode so you don’t feel intrigued to check it whenever it buzzes. Make an effort to be present in the moment, express genuine interest in your partner’s life, and get to know how their day was.

3. Keep your phone out of sight

Don’t keep the phone on the table when you’re out on a date or simply having dinner at a romantic restaurant with your partner. 

Instead, leave it in the car, or if there’s a possibility that you might miss an important call, keep it with you but leave it in the pocket or your purse. 

If you leave the phone around, make sure not to look at it every time the screen lights up. Think about how it would make your date feel when they don’t have your full attention and would have little choice but to start phubbing too. 

4. Do a digital detox

Your smartphone itself can be used to help you stop phubbing. You can download apps to track your phone usage and block distracting apps so that you can be present with your partner and stay away from phubbing. 

You can remove the apps that distract you from your phone’s home screen and turn off the push notifications as well. Also, taking a break from social media for at least one day per week might help.

To understand the effects of cell phone addiction, watch this video.

5. Set limits and consequences for phubbing

Whenever you’re out together or having a meal, stash your phone in a place where none of you can see it. Then decide how long you will stay away from the phone no matter how many times it beeps or vibrates.

If you fail to stick to that time and use your phone before that, you’d have to stay out longer with your partner without using the phone or clean the dishes if you’re at home. Be creative and set up the limits and consequences that work for you.

Just make sure to implement consequences for your phubbing behavior. 

Related Reading: 15 Ways of Setting Boundaries in a New Relationship

6. Take your partner’s feelings into consideration

Sometimes, your partner may have had a bad day or need to talk to you about something important. They might get hurt if you don’t listen to them and keep phubbing. Eventually, they might feel like completely shutting off and stop telling you anything.

So, get your priorities straight and put yourself in their shoes the next time you start to phub them and stop right away. 

Related Reading: 15 Ways to Help Your Partner Understand How You’re Feeling

7. Keep challenging yourself

While you might struggle to stop phubbing initially, you’ll get used to being present in the moment and form a genuine connection with your partner soon enough. Set realistic expectations and keep rewarding yourself for staying away from your phone for a while.

4 ways to keep others from phubbing

Learning how to stop phubbing involves taking certain critical steps. Here’s how you can help others stop phubbing to break the notorious cycle of phubbing.

1. Openly communicate

If you’re the partner who is being phubbed, it’s normal for you to feel isolated and ostracized. Before you use your phone to brush off those feelings and start the vicious cycle, pause there. 

Instead, take a breather and calmly tell your partner how their behavior makes you feel.

They probably don’t know their action was causing you this kind of discomfort. Even if the phubber is aware of their cell phone addiction, they might not do it to exclude you on purpose. Give them some time to acknowledge the problem and work on it.

Also, gently remind them when they start phubbing you again and try not to take it personally. Be patient and refrain from phubbing them, no matter how much you feel like giving them a taste of their own medicine. 

Related Reading: Open Communication In a Relationship: How to Make it Work

Watch this video by Therapist Steph Anya to learn more about healthily communicating within relationships:

2. Lead by example

You may start to model the behavior you want to see from them. It might take some time, but eventually, the phubber might stop phubbing and start fully engaging in face-to-face conversation. 

3. Be understanding and compassionate

No matter how disturbing phubbing is, forcing someone to quit may not be the best solution. Since it’s more of an impulse issue than an addiction, giving them time to break this habit and being sympathetic might be what they need. 

You may try to set boundaries and ensure the phubber sticks to them. 

4. Help them to focus on other things

When someone starts phubbing you, you might also be tempted to check your phone. Resist the impulse to reach out for your phone and look around. Talk about something interesting around you to catch their attention. 

Help them focus on what matters in life rather than their phones. 

Some commonly asked questions

Here are the answers to some questions that can help you clarify your doubts about phubbing and its impact on relationships:

Is phubbing an addiction?

Phubbing can be an addiction but this is not always the case. Sometimes it might be due to carelessness or due to other underlying causes like social anxiety, stress et cetera. 

However, research conducted about smartphone addiction reached the conclusion that 39 percent of adults are addicted to their smartphones and find it difficult to stay away from it. Phubbing, therefore, might not be the addiction itself; it can be the symptom of a smartphone addiction that someone has. 

Is phubbing disrespectful?

Yes, phubbing can be considered disrespectful behavior. It can indicate a disregard for the time that someone else is spending with you and the attention that they are giving you. 

However, when one does this sparingly, it can be a functional act that is not seen as disrespectful. The intensity of the phubbing is what can determine whether it is considered disrespectful or not. 

Final takeaway

When you two are together, your partner deserves your undivided attention. Using your phone during that time instead of making your spouse a priority can make them feel unheard and unloved. It can take a heavy toll on your relationship.

So the next time you see your partner, put your phone down and say no to phubbing. Instead, Look them in the eye and be fully present. It may help you form a deeper connection and increase relationship satisfaction.