10 Signs Therapy for Cheaters Is Not Working & What to Do About It

For any betrayed spouse (who is hopeful that everything can be repaired in their marriage after cheating and life can return to a new kind of normal after your partner attends therapy for cheaters), it’s so reassuring when your spouse agrees to attend therapy or couples counseling for infidelity.  

Even the therapy for cheaters who repeatedly offend can be a reassuring sign because you are getting somewhere now.

It doesn’t matter if you have had to engineer the process by working their schedule around their appointments to create space in their diary for their therapy appointment.  

Nor does it matter if you had to physically drive them to the therapy for an infidelity appointment and check them into reception yourself. You’ll still be delighted that they are doing something to help rebuild what you once had – if only they didn’t cheat!  

What are some signs of a cheater? Watch this video to know more.

Can a cheater change?

Everyone usually believes the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” When your spouse has cheated on you and you are trying to rebuild the relationship, it is natural to ask if a cheater can change because if there is no hope, you would not want to invest so much time, energy, and emotion into it yourself. 

But can a cheater change? It depends on the person. Some people repent what they have done and want to work on their relationship. This is when they may make an effort to change. To know more about it, read this article.

Does infidelity counseling really work?

When there has been cheating in a relationship or marriage, one of the best ways to deal with it is to seek professional help. 

However, when the relationship hits the rocks, one of the most important things to consider is whether infidelity counseling works.

Can therapy help a cheater? 

Does therapy help cheaters?

It depends on various factors. One of them is the willingness of someone to put in the effort needed to change and become better. Other factors include the extent to which a relationship needs help. Sometimes, the better thing to do is to let it go. In that case, infidelity counseling may work, but differently.

To know more, read this article.

10 signs therapy for cheaters is not working

Here are some signs that will tell you whether therapy for cheaters is helping your marriage or if it’s time to book yourself into some therapy to prepare for a new life with somebody who can respect you and won’t cheat. Does counseling help cheaters? Here are some clues that it is not.

1. They don’t do the homework

Did your therapist give your spouse some practical instructions as homework?  

They may be to answer questions, ask you questions, purchase a book, or write a letter to you. They may have suggested that they express themselves to you and how they feel about you.

But … crickets!

They don’t do it; they’ll pretend there was no homework and create a zillion reasons why they don’t need to do the therapy for cheaters’ homework, some of which you’ll probably believe.  

Here’s the thing; They cheated, possibly more than once, and now they are not doing the homework that can make or break your marriage. This also means they can’t be bothered, are not invested in fixing a thing, or don’t value your marriage as much as you do.  

Ask yourself, what excuse can they have that is way more important than working on their marriage, and you’ll probably find the answer is not what you want to hear. But it’s one that you need to understand.

Related Reading: How Parents Can Help Kids With Homework​

2. They don’t tell the truth

In some cases, they even believe in their lies.

If you start your therapy for cheaters by participating in a dose of couples therapy after infidelity, you’ll know if they are lying because you live with them.

Perhaps you’ve become accustomed to how your spouse manipulates the truth occasionally, but are they going to do this now when you are in therapy for cheaters and trying to rebuild trust?  

If they are, then you know that this will be something they’ll continue to do.  

But they don’t have to continue to do it to you. You have the power to choose!

3. They use therapy for cheaters to manipulate you more

Oh, how you must admire the smart spouse you have, their ability to manipulate is an expression of high intelligence but not necessarily high emotional intelligence. Let’s make this very clear.  

If your spouse uses therapy to further their agenda and mess with your head more than they already have, then you don’t have to hang around for the pleasure of getting messed about again.  

If your spouse justifies cheating or their behavior in any way because you don’t like to do something or that they didn’t think you’d want to do something, so they just took the babysitter instead.  

Stop and rethink this. It’s not your fault; you are not responsible for your cheating spouse.

Related Reading: 12 Signs Your Woman is Manipulative

4. You scheduled the appointment

If your partner didn’t book the appointment for their therapy and weren’t nudging you and asking you if you could book the appointment because they were genuinely busy. 

If they didn’t turn their schedule around to meet the appointment schedule of the therapist, then this should be a big warning sign.

Suppose you are initiating therapy for cheaters from the offset. In that case, your spouse is not as invested in the recovery process as you are, and they probably don’t respect your needs, opinions, or the marriage (for that matter) enough.  

5. They are still in contact with the person they cheated on you with

One of the tell-tale signs that therapy for cheaters is not going to work is when they do not break ties with the person they cheated on you. If it was multiple people, even then they should not be in touch with any of them. 

If they do not let go of their attachment to this other person, they will not be able to invest completely in making your relationship better.

6. You do not believe cheaters can change

If you do not believe your partner can change, that is another sign that therapy for cheaters is not working and is not likely to work either.

One of the most important things you need when it comes to therapy for cheaters is the belief that it will work and that they are willing to change. With it, therapy for cheaters is likely to work.

Related Reading: 20 Reasons Why a Cheating Person Shows No Remorse

7. You take advice from others

Cheating and infidelity are complex, complicated relationship issues. When a professional is involved, it is recommended that you take their advice and not advice from others.

While it is okay to talk about these things with your friends and family, if you listen to their advice and not your therapist’s, chances are that therapy for cheaters may not work or might not be as effective.

Related Reading: 75 Best Marriage Advice & Tips by Marriage Therapists

8. Your partner does not want to work on the marriage

One of the tell-tale signs of therapy for cheaters not working or not being effective is when your partner does not want to do the work in your relationship or marriage.

One of the most important ways to save the marriage is when you are genuinely willing to do the work.

9. They are not patient

Infidelity therapy strategy requires patience.

The process of healing after cheating takes time. It is a step-by-step process, and things will likely look better as time goes by. 

However, if your partner, and even for that matter, you, are not patient with the process, it is a sign that therapy for cheaters is not working.

10. They do not introspect

One of the signs that therapy for cheaters is not working is when your partner does not introspect. A person cannot be helped if they do not wish to be helped. 

Suppose your partner is unwilling to see what is wrong with their behavior and understand where they need to rectify themselves. In that case, chances are that therapy for the cheater is not working and will not be effective in the future.

What to do when therapy for cheaters is not working 

Seeking therapy for cheating does not guarantee that it will work out or help you overcome the cheating in the relationship. Sometimes, if you or your spouse show the above signs that therapy for cheaters is not working, maybe it won’t.

When therapy for cheaters is not working, here is what you can do.

1. Talk to your partner 

Having an honest conversation with someone can help you clear the air and understand where you are headed or where you are coming from.

2. Take a step back

It becomes difficult to see the bigger picture when you are in the mix yourself.

According to Christiana Njoku, LPC

For your sanity and peace of mind, stay out of a relationship with a serial cheater, particularly after investing so much in cheaters therapy, yet they are not willing to change.

If therapy for a cheater is not working and is harming your physical or mental health, it may be a good idea to step back, understand the situation and plan ahead.

FAQs

What type of therapy is best for infidelity? 

Couples therapy is known to be the best for infidelity. However, if someone needs personal work before working on the relationship, seeking personal therapy followed by couples therapy is a good idea.

Is it possible for a serial cheater to change?

Serial cheating can be a rather complex situation to understand and get over. While a serial cheater can change, you may need to uncover why someone is a serial cheater and what feelings lead them to cheat this way.

Wrapping up

The fact that they are even attending therapy for cheaters is a sign that they want to change and make things better.

Yes, your hopes and optimism refuse to realize the reality that you practically courted them into therapy even though your spouse has shown no desire or enthusiasm to address their cheating ways.

Now, this should have been an alarm from the offset, but when we love somebody, we are too emotionally invested in thinking of any other option.  

Your spouse needs therapy for cheaters, which they will have for the sake of your emotions and (don’t shoot the messenger) denial over your marriage and commitment to each other. 

Would your cheater be attending or even considering their therapy for cheaters if you didn’t practically drag them there by the scruff of their neck?  

If you’ve made it to the end of this page and have acknowledged that these points are very real for you, congratulations on trying to help your marriage by supporting your partner with therapy for cheaters.

You are one of a kind and a committed and loveable person that needs to find somebody who will love and respect you more than your spouse currently does. You’ve got this.

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