Am I Abusive? : 15 sign to know If You Are an Abusive Spouse

You might think that the way you talk to or treat your partner is normal. However, you will be surprised to hear that some of your behaviors and acts can be abusive. 

When people ask, “Am I abusive?” they are about to come to the point of self-realization of their actions, especially when their partners begin to complain.

Sadly, people who have grown up in dysfunctional households full of negativity and abuse may not understand what it means to be abusive or to be abused.

In her research study titled: The Long-Term Impact of Emotional Abuse in Childhood, Margaret O’Dougherty Wright makes an in-depth study into emotional abuse and how it affects individuals as they grow up.

In this article, we will be looking at signs of an abusive spouse. We will answer common questions like “Am I emotionally abusive?”, “Am I an abusive partner?” “Am I verbally abusive?” to help people figure out how to make things right in their relationship.

What is abuse in a relationship?

Abuse in the relationship is a situation where one partner exerts control or force over the other. It can be physical, emotional, verbal, financial, and so forth. There are many aspects when it comes to an abusive relationship.

As Empowerment and Relationship mentor Dionne Eleanor shares,

We all deserve to be in relationships that make us feel safe, respected, and loved.

There are many aspects to consider when it comes to an abusive relationship. It starts with understanding what abuse is,

Know about it here: What Is Abuse? Understanding What It Is And How To Help

How to know if you are an abusive spouse

It is important to note that it doesn’t boil down to the physical version when it comes to abuse, which many people know. What is considered abusive behavior? Abuse can occur verbally, psychologically, and mentally. Whatever the type of abuse that is experienced in a relationship, it tends to destroy it. 

The reason is that abuse reduces trust in a relationship, weakening the existing bond and connection between both partners. Therefore, if you notice things are no longer the same between you and your partner, it won’t be bad to find out if abuse exists in your relationship.

Related Reading: Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It

10 signs of an emotionally abusive partner

Emotional abuse exists when one partner uses emotions to shame, criticize, embarrass and manipulate the other party. When there is an eternal pattern of abusive behaviors and words, emotional abuse exists in a relationship.

So, what are the behavior partners complain about that shows you are an abusive spouse? Barrie Davenport dives deep into the signs that help you recognize the signs of emotional abuse in her book. This will help partners recognize the patterns of control and manipulation in their relationship.

Do abusers know they are abusive? Here are five signs that could reflect abusive tendencies in a man:

1. Control

If your partner begins to complain that you are too involved in their private life, you might be emotionally abusive. Understandably, partners have the desire to be involved in each other’s affairs. 

However, if you find it satisfying to control every little aspect of your partner’s life without giving them the freedom to make their decisions, they may be emotionally abused.

2. Shouting

Partners shout or yell at each other when they have an emotional outburst. However, when disagreements and fallouts usually escalate into howling or yelling at each other, it is not healthy, and emotional abuse might be at play.

If you shout at your partner, it would be difficult to make a conversation productive. In addition, a power imbalance is created where the loudest individual is heard. This can make your spouse cower in fear and be reluctant to speak because they don’t want to offend you.

3. Disdain

If you feel disdain for your partner, it will be challenging for you to express your feelings appropriately. One of the signs of a healthy relationship is when both partners are respectful even when they disagree with your claims. 

However, if you discover that you always respond to your partner’s needs with disgust and disrespect, you might be creating an atmosphere of emotional abuse in your relationship.

4. Always defensive

If you have asked yourself, “Am I emotionally abusive to my girlfriend?”, being defensive is one of the signs to look out for. When you always feel the need to defend yourself, it would be difficult to achieve positive communication with your spouse. 

You and your partner must be able to discuss honestly and openly when resolving issues without being defensive.

5. Threats

One of the reasons why people ask if “I am the abuser or the abused?” is because they don’t know the signs to watch out for. If you constantly find yourself issuing one threat or another to your partner, there is a chance you are emotionally abusive.

Usually, these threats come in coercive or forceful statements accompanied by blackmail and other trepidatory remarks. The intent is to corner the victim and prevent them from rescuing themselves.

 Watch this video to learn more about the signs of an abusive spouse:

Related Reading: Reasons of Spousal Abuse In A Marriage

6. Playing the blame game

One of the highlights of emotional abuse is making the victims believe that they are responsible for their faults and unhappiness. 

This is why it is difficult to break the cycle of emotional abuse when it is in play. If you put on this behavior at various intervals, you may be emotionally abusing your partner.

7. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that makes the victim doubt their sanity and judgment. 

If you often make your spouse feel that their feelings and memories are crazy and false when they are not, you might be gaslighting them.

8. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when you refuse to discuss or communicate with your partner. If you always need to disrupt uncomfortable conversations, you might be making your partner uncomfortable in the process. 

This refusal to always continue discussions might come from a place of lack of concern for your feelings.

9. Isolation

Emotional abuse can affect all aspects of our lives. It affects our relationships with friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and a host of others. Usually, abusers find a way to convince their partners that no one is concerned about their welfare. 

This notion makes the victims refrain from their friends and loved ones and keep to themselves.

10. Explosive attitude

Everyone is bound to experience mood swings, but a relationship can be affected if it experiences this every time. An explosive attitude becomes a problem when your partner takes the fall for your mood swings. 

The typical attitude of explosive individuals is to shower their victimized partner with love and affection after an outburst, and they repeat the cycle.

Related Reading: How to Recognize and Deal with an Abusive Partner

15 questions to ask yourself to be sure if you are abusive

The questions below are for you to clarify your answer to the question, “Am I abusive?” If you answer yes to most of these questions, there is a possibility that you are an emotionally abusive partner.

1. Do you have an explosive and short temper that your partner frequently complains about?
2. Is your partner often afraid to be in your presence? 
3. Is your partner often extra-careful about their activities, speech, and the things that they are passionate about?
4. Have you ever threatened to hurt your partner physically?
5. Do you sometimes call your partner names or mock them verbally?
6. Are you unpredictable and unreliable?
7. Does it look like your partner is distancing and disconnected a lot of the time in the relationship?
8. Does your partner often complain of you being too controlling or obsessive?
9. Does your partner have low self-esteem or low self-confidence around you?
10. Do you insult your partner when angry, even if its nothing to do with them?
11. Are you feel you own your partner?
12. Are you always embarrassed about your partner’s behavior that you don’t like being with them in public?
13. Do you feel helpless sometimes?
14. Do you coerce your partner into having sex every time you want to be intimate?
15. Do you govern what your partner does and with whom?

In Catherine Busby’s book titled: Abusive and Controlling Relationships, she mentions some questions that help partners figure out if abusive and obsessive control exists in their relationship.

Also Try: Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

Behavior partners complain about that shows you are an abusive spouse

How to know if you are an abusive partner? When you are abusive in a relationship, your partner may say or react in ways that reflect it. To understand how to stop being an abusive partner, here are some common abusive behaviors to understand that victims complain of from their partners.

• Name-calling
• Character defamation/assassination
• Yelling
• Gaslighting
• Public embarrassment
• Insults concerning your appearance
• Discouraging your interests
• Threats
• Financial supervision
• Controlling your movements
• Treats you like a child
• Jealousy

 Related Reading: Best Ways to Protect Yourself From an Abusive Partner

3 ways to deal with emotional abuse through self-compassion

If you fear you have been abusive to a partner, what can you do? How to stop being an abuser? One of the profound ways to help yourself is through self-compassion. 

Self-compassion, in this sense, means being kind to yourself and channeling your emotions the right way to prevent using them as an abusive tool on your partner.

Here are three ways to deal with emotional abuse through self-compassion.

1. Practice forgiveness

You need to stop punishing yourself for past mistakes. It is essential to accept your flaws because they are part of what makes you human. The act of practicing forgiveness on yourself is the first step to having a good understanding of self-worth, which helps you treat your partner right.

2. Talk to someone

If you have been combatting some unresolved long-term issues, you need to speak to someone experienced, preferably a mental health professional. You will be surprised to see an improvement in your emotional and mental health which instills self-compassion.

3. Practice mindfulness

Another way to hone self-compassion is to hone mindfulness. You need to make conscious efforts to be aware of each moment and what is happening. This will help you control your acts, thoughts, and emotions displayed towards your partner.

Related Reading: Strategies to Deal With Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Takeaway

The points above will help you answer  “Am I in an abusive relationship?”

Dionne Eleanor, empowerment and relationship mentor explains,

The only way to stop abuse is to stand up and say, that is not okay. No one has the right to control another person with their words or their hands, we all deserve freedom, happiness and respect.

The points above help you answer questions that relate to emotional abuse.

Hence, if you have asked yourself, “Why am I abusive?” or “Am I in an abusive relationship?” then you know it’s time to change, and the information in this article will help you take steps toward this.

You must take deliberate steps to treat abuse before it takes a big negative toll on your health and other relationships.

Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

Marriage.com Assessment

What Help Does Your Relationship Need Most Right Now Quiz

Reviewed byJennifer Jacobsen Schulz, LCSW

Backed by relationship science and evidence-based psychology, this assessment helps identify the area of your relationship that deserves the most attention right now, whether things feel strong or slightly off. Research shows that even healthy relat...

Questions: 20 | Last updated: Jan 23, 2026

Sample Question

When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

Take the Quiz Now