He Keeps Hurting Me Emotionally: 17 Ways to Handle It

Not all abuse will show up as bruises.

There are times when people suffer from emotional abuse from the person they love and trust most.

“It’s true. He keeps hurting me emotionally, but I can’t bring myself to do anything, let alone leave him.”

Relationships aren’t all about happy memories, funny experiences, and lovemaking. There will be trials, fights, and times when you hurt each other emotionally, but soon, you will admit who is wrong, say sorry, and be better.

But what if it becomes habitual?

What should I do when my boyfriend hurts me emotionally?

When someone keeps hurting you, what should you do? You keep telling yourself, “He keeps hurting me emotionally, but I’m not able to do anything”. After all, you’re staying because you still love him, don’t you?

In these cases, usually, the victim is a product of what we call “conditioning.”

You believe you deserve this situation or that you don’t deserve to be treated better. You might become accustomed to the pattern of accepting emotional hurt, hoping after this, there will be days of bliss.

5 things to consider when you love a man who keeps hurting you

“He keeps hurting me emotionally, but I still love him dearly. I want this to work!”

When your partner hurts your feelings, he makes up for it, you might become hopeful, and then it happens again. You’ve seen the pattern, haven’t you?

You may get afraid that it will escalate and become abuse.

If you know this pattern and want to do something about loving someone who hurts you, then start with these three self-realizations.

1. Know yourself

“He keeps hurting me emotionally and always points out my mistakes. I will never be good enough.”

You know yourself better than anyone else.

Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. You don’t have to agree with what your partner tells you, and you know when he’s not stating the truth.

According to Psychologist Mert Şeker:
Knowing yourself is the cornerstone of success and happiness in life. This process includes discovering one’s own emotional and mental world, understanding one’s strengths and weaknesses, determining one’s values, and accepting oneself. Knowing oneself is more solid. Establishing relationships, achieving goals, and finding inner balance is an indispensable step.

2. Know what you deserve

When you entered your relationship, what things did you expect?

Of course, being hurt emotionally wasn’t one of them. Don’t forget the time when you envisioned the love of your life and the relationship that you deserve.

Do you know your relationship standards? In case you’ve forgotten because of conditioning, remind yourself again.

3. Why does this keep happening?

“Why does he keep hurting me? I don’t understand. We were so happy before.”

You repeatedly think about how to stop hurting, but the cycle keeps repeating.

In that case, this is an excellent thing to consider. Narcissists show their actual color a few months after the relationship starts. Still, there is also a chance of an underlying issue when a man hurts you emotionally.

Did you have any problems before? Did something happen that could have scared your relationship?

When a man is hurt emotionally, he might resort to hurting you emotionally to deal with his pain. In cases like this, therapy might be the best course of action.

Psychologist Mert Şeker suggests:
Men can emotionally hurt their partners when they are emotionally hurt because people can take refuge in their pain and defense mechanisms when reacting emotionally. This may be related to a man’s instinct of self-preservation. When he feels hurt, he may resort to aggression or withdrawal.

If you believe the hurt is coming from a place of his own pain rather than a desire to control you, and you both want to work through it, the save my marriage course can help you build healthier ways of communicating so the cycle of hurting each other doesn’t have to continue.

4. Why are you staying in this relationship?

“My boyfriend hurts me emotionally, but I chose to stay because I love him.”

Answer these questions to realize why you choose to stay with someone who hurts you emotionally.

– Do you love him because you believe he could change and your relationship will go back to how it used to be?

– Are you staying because you believe that he’s a good person and you can work this out?

– Do you think he is telling the truth when he says things about you and says he wants you to change? Ultimately, do you believe his harsh way of citing all your shortcomings is for your good, and you appreciate it?

5. Understand what you tolerate

“He gets off on hurting me, and I know deep inside that I should do something.”

That, right there, is your answer. You know this situation can still change. If you don’t talk to your boyfriend or partner, how would this person know that you’re not okay with what he’s doing?

Some people who experience emotional hurt become content with crying at night when everyone else is sleeping. But if you are tired of being hurt emotionally, you have to do something about it. If you don’t do something, how will it change?

How do I put an end to being emotionally hurt?

“He hurt my feelings, and I understand now. This needs to stop, but where do I start?”

Realizing that the emotional hurt your boyfriend is giving you is not love is the first start. Now that you know that this behavior is not healthy and could also be a sign of an abuser, it’s time to do something about it.

‘He keeps hurting me emotionally’: 17  ways to handle it

Some people think that abuse only shows in the form of bruises and physical pain, but emotional abuse can be painful.

Sadly, many people close their eyes to emotional hurt and abuse. Victims of emotional abuse are rarely seen because they would rather hide in a corner and cry. Some would put on a fake smile and pretend they’re okay, but they are already broken deep inside.

What should you do when your partner keeps on hurting you emotionally?

One should remember that there are cases where emotional abuse is unintentional, intentional, a reaction, or a way to get attention.

Here are 17 ways you can put a stop to it, regardless of the intent.

1. Talk to him and be honest about your feelings

“He keeps hurting me emotionally. I end up crying when he’s not home or when he’s sleeping.”

There’s a chance that your partner doesn’t know he’s hurting you emotionally. Some people choose to hide the pain, but you don’t have to.

Communication is vital to any relationship, and we need to use this to fix the issue. Talk to your partner. Let it all out. Tell him what you feel, why you are hurting, and everything you want to say.

Try not simply to cry in front of him. Instead, use words to express how you are feeling. Talk to him, and listen to him when it’s his time to talk.

2. Ask him if there is a reason behind his hurtful actions

Don’t be afraid to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner.

Sometimes, your partner may not be aware of the hurtful things he’s doing, but if he is, he could be honest and let you know what’s wrong.

If he isn’t able to answer you directly, at least this conversation will make him ponder his actions that are hurting you.

3. If he cooperates, come up with an action plan together

If you both acknowledge that there’s something wrong with your relationship and you want to try working on it together, then you need to create an action plan.

Make a list of all the steps you will be taking. Please write it down and agree to have weekly deep conversations.

4. Agree to compromise

Of course, both need to be accountable for their actions and reactions. Agree to compromise and know that this will be a long process.

In some cases, hurt and disapproval between couples are because of opposing beliefs. That’s normal since you come from different backgrounds. Compromising is an excellent point to include in your plan.

Meet halfway and work on it – together.

5. Try to be more patient

“How do I stop hurting when everything he says, even his jokes, sounds personal? I can’t help but feel emotionally hurt.”

Are you a sensitive person?

If you talk to your partner and tell him that his words, jokes, and actions hurt you emotionally, that’s a start. However, don’t expect him to change in a snap.

Remember, every situation is different, and there’s a chance that he doesn’t intend to insult or hurt you. As he works on his approach, you also need to work on your sensitivity.

Words can inspire and build confidence, but they can also hurt the people you love. 

6. Practice understanding each other

Relationships are all about understanding and working together. Now that you have compromised start with understanding and being a little more patient.

The change will take time, but if you work together and are more understanding, then it will get easier.

7. Try to respond instead of reacting

If he repeats something offensive or hurtful, don’t react negatively or harshly. This might escalate the issue in the heat of the moment.

Instead, be calm and respond accordingly. Be objective, and don’t let your feelings cloud your judgment.

8. Choose what you absorb

“He keeps hurting me emotionally. He wouldn’t hold my hand last night. I was so embarrassed and hurt because my friends noticed it too!”

We can’t force someone to be what we want them to be. Some men aren’t showy and wouldn’t feel comfortable being touchy.

This can hurt you emotionally if you let it.

Choose what you will absorb. Don’t let yourself be hurt by everything you see and hear.

9. Do your best to avoid overthinking

Overthinking could make things worse.

For example, you’ve been suspecting that your partner is flirting with an office mate. You confront him angrily, and he yells out that you’re paranoid and pathetic because of the mood. Then you are left hurting and more confused than ever.

“He changed, and he no longer loves me. He’s being too harsh. It’s true, and he’s having an affair!”

There can be times when emotional hurt is caused by overthinking. Letting go of intrusive thoughts could help you and your partner.

In the words of Psychologist Mert Şeke:
You can try the following to reduce overthinking on this issue: First, relax by breathing deeply. Clear your mind by writing down your thoughts. Practice relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga regularly. Reduce anxiety and focus on solving problems by putting thought into action.

10. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt

He says sorry and promises to be more sensitive towards what you feel. If you think your partner is not a narcissist, what’s stopping you from giving him the benefit of the doubt?

Instead of ending the relationship, you can give him another chance. Weigh everything first before making this decision. You know him better than anyone else, and you know if he deserves his chance or not.

11. Set boundaries together

Did you know that setting boundaries in a relationship is vital?

Even before starting your relationship, a couple should start discussing this. It will help you set the proper expectations and responsibilities in the relationship. This will also make things more transparent for both of you. If someone does something outside the boundary, then this person should be accountable for their actions.

12. Set rules that you will both agree on

Next, if you both agree, it’s better to set rules. How will this help, you may ask?

With a written set of rules, you will realize the dos and don’ts of your relationship. No more guessing and wondering why your partner did what he did.

For example, you don’t want him to be chatting with his female co-worker.

It’s clear that if he still does the very thing you hate, then we can already say it was intentional, right?

13. Forgive and let go

If you choose to undergo therapy, you also need to address past issues that may affect your present.

Choose to forgive and forget if you want to start anew. This should be a mutual decision because this will determine if you will continue or end the relationship.

14. Choose to start fresh

If the emotional hurt is unintentional, from a previous resentment or oversensitivity, it’s safe to say that you can start fresh again.

It won’t be easy, but if you agree to compromise, talk, and work together, this can lead to a better, more mature relationship.

It’s not too late to start again.

If you’ve both agreed that this is worth fighting for and you want to start fresh the right way, the save my marriage online course can give you a clear structure for rebuilding trust, communication, and emotional safety together.

Here’s an insightful guide to starting over in a relationship. Have a look:

15. Leave if you have to

“How to deal with someone who hurt you emotionally and shows signs of being an abuser?”

If you realize that the emotional hurt is intentionally caused or is because of narcissism or other reasons that can no longer be worked on, then leave.

Release yourself from the prison of unhappiness. You deserve better. Leave before it’s too late.

16. Time apart

Sometimes, when a relationship is emotionally challenging, taking a break can provide both partners with an opportunity to reflect, heal, and gain perspective. It’s crucial to communicate openly with your partner about this need for space. 

Use this time to focus on your own needs and well-being. Reconnect with hobbies, interests, and friendships that may have been neglected during the relationship.

17. Identify triggers

Understanding the triggers for emotional hurt is a fundamental step in addressing and managing it within a relationship.

Begin by examining your own emotional responses to specific situations, words, or actions. What sets off feelings of emotional pain or discomfort? Keep a journal to record these triggers.

Commonly asked questions

Emotional abuse can be subtle and challenging to recognize, but it’s crucial to address it if you suspect it in your relationship. Here are answers to some common questions about emotional abuse:

• How do I know if I’m being emotionally abused?

Emotional abuse often involves a pattern of behaviors, such as constant criticism, manipulation, or isolation. If you feel constantly belittled, controlled, or fear your partner’s reactions, these may be signs of emotional abuse. Trust your instincts and seek support.

• What do I do if my partner is emotionally abusive?

Communication is key. Express your concerns, and consider seeking couples counseling. However, if your safety is at risk or your partner refuses to change, it may be necessary to create a safety plan and seek help from friends, family, or professionals.

• How can I leave an emotionally abusive relationship?

Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is challenging but necessary for your well-being. Start by confiding in trusted friends or family. Plan a safe exit, gather important documents, and seek legal advice if needed. Reach out to support organizations for guidance.

• How do I heal from emotional abuse?

Healing from emotional abuse takes time. Focus on self-care, therapy, and building a strong support system. Learning healthy boundaries and self-esteem are essential steps to regain your emotional well-being.

• What are some resources for victims of emotional abuse?

There are various resources available to support victims of emotional abuse. Contact domestic violence hotlines, local shelters, or counseling services. Support groups, self-help books, and online forums can also provide guidance and a sense of community during your healing journey.

Don’t let the hurt continue

There can be so many reasons why we would feel emotionally hurt. Recognizing patterns, reasons, and chances are among the first things you should do.

Psychologist Mert Şeker says:
The psychological reasons why we get hurt emotionally can be very diverse. Knowing these will be guiding. Past traumatic experiences or emotional injuries can increase emotional sensitivity. Additionally, personality traits like low self-esteem, over-reliance on the approval of others, perfectionism, or fear of rejection can also lead to emotional hurt.

Then, you can proceed with taking action, whether to fix it, try counseling, or end the relationship that turned sour.

“He keeps hurting me emotionally. Should I stay?”

The answer lies within you. Consider all the facts and the possibilities, and talk to your partner. Decide what is good for you and what you deserve.

Remember, the choice is yours.

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Sylvia Smith Author

Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle... Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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