Sex can be a hot topic for many couples. And by hot, I don’t mean necessarily steamy. For many long-term couples sex, frequency of it or lack of it, can be a very sensitive subject and is a source conflict.
Today, I would like to share a strategy with you that I tried with my fiancé and it worked wonders for us. A quick side before we dive into it. This approach works best for couples who are both on the same page in terms wanting to restore and maintain regular sex life and who find each other attractive. It is not for couples who might be struggling with other underlying concerns that impact their sex life such as when one partner has depression or feels abused in some way by another.
Few years after relationship our sex lives take a back seat
As many of you know, after a few years of being in a long-term relationship, the desire to rip your clothes off and to have mind-blowing sex subsides dramatically, to the point where you might start to forget when was the last time you had sex. This is how things were starting to feel for me after being in a relationship for over 4 years. Both, my fiancé and I still felt attracted to each other, but our desire for sex seemed not to coincide. What I mean is that when he was in the mood, I wasn’t and vice versa. I felt unsure of how to tackle this dilemma until I came across a very insightful idea about scheduling sex. I know, I know. I felt a cringe myself when I first heard this suggestion. I thought to myself “You can’t schedule something so delicate as sex! What if I’m not in the mood? That’s for sure going to take all the passion out of it!” But it didn’t!
And here is why:
Imagine for a second you run into a good of friend of yours. You have a lovely chat over coffee and decided that you should meet again soon. But instead of scheduling your next meet up you decided to play it by ear leaving your next meeting to chance. Thankfully, you run into each other again in a few weeks, but this time you choose not to rely on luck and schedule your next coffee for next week. Both of you make a decision on a spot to make it a priority to see each other next Wednesday. Now ask yourself, is your next coffee date going to be any less exciting because it’s scheduled? Chances are you answered ‘No.’ That’s right. A planned activity is no less exciting than a non-scheduled one if you enjoy spending time with the person.
Think back to the time when you and your partner were starting to date. Didn’t you schedule your dates? Didn’t you anticipate to end up having sex on those dates? You did, didn’t you. By scheduling sex in our busy lives, we make sure we make it a priority, just like we prioritize a birthday party or that squash game every Saturday. Our sex lives deserve the same recognition and respect.
The recipe for regular sex is simple: get together with you partner, decide on how many times a week and what days of the week you want to prioritize your sex for, schedule it and stick with it, no ifs and buts. More on the idea of why scheduled sex works check out this video by School of Life channel.
And if perhaps this is not the answer you were looking for, or you feel you need to get some underlying issues out of the way, connect with me for a free consultation at my global, online support service, Expat Therapy with Viktoria.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
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