How to Derive Maximum Pleasure from Oral Sex
“Oh my God, he’s amazing in bed!”
“He’s the best lover I have ever had in my life!”
“I don’t know what it is that he’s doing so different but wow when he goes down on m it just feels so good. I don’t want him to stop!”
Hey there guys…I know you want nothing more than to hear those words coming out of your lover’s mouth when she’s talking about you, right?
I know you want to have no doubt in your mind that every single time you go down on a woman, you know she’s going to be begging you for more that you’ll be giving her such pleasure each and every time that she can’t help but want to brag about you. So, don’t just restrict yourself to the knowledge of common sex positions, because that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
Let me do my part and try to help you out here. Keep on reading and you’ll thank me for it.
By the end of the page, you’ll:
- Know how to start things off right
- Know what to do once you’re actually there
- Get the keys to understanding how to really go from average to amazing
How to give great oral sex
Ok. So, the bottom line is that when two people are having sex, there are two physical bodies doing things to each other with the goal of feeling pleasure, and, if really lucky, both having an orgasm (or more). Described like that, sex doesn’t sound all that exciting.
Sex is so much more than that. There are different ways for us to touch one another to get pleasure during sex. And, one of those ways is oral sex. It can be one of the most intimate ways to show love for a partner or lover. And, if done well, it can be one of the most desired ways to be touched and given pleasure.
For women, becoming turned on is a whole experience that takes time. So, men, this means taking things slow. This means foreplay. It all starts in her mind. There’s nothing worse for a woman than being naked in bed with a man and feeling unattractive or feeling self-conscious and worrying about if her lover is “turned off” by her stomach rolls.
If you are able to get her mind completely off all of this and into a mood where she feels sexy, desired and comfortable in her body, then you have a woman who is “turned on” and “in the mood”.
So, try complimenting her with something like “Your body is so hot, baby. I want you so bad.” Or “I love kissing your breasts, they’re amazing” as you are kissing her breasts and gently rolling your tongue over her nipples.
Now, one crucial thing to remember here or this can actually backfire and ruin the mood.
She actually has to believe what you are saying
So, for instance, don’t say the last example I gave above if you know she has been feeling self-conscious about her breasts after breastfeeding and the two of you have been talking about her getting a breast lift so she feels better about herself.
Once you get a sense that she is turned on mentally and completely in the mood, gently and slowly begin to run your fingers down her body. Go slow. Create tension. This is not a race, and gently following your fingers with your lips, kissing your way down her stomach..to her inner
Thighs, stopping every now and again to briefly suck, and massage areas near to her vagina.
Then, once you do get close, start gently stroking her outer labia. Start stroking around the whole area.
Now, this is where you can really start to go from an ok lover to amazing. Most men either take some idea about how to give oral sex from something they saw in porn and just try to replicate that, or they just do the same thing over and over again, never really paying attention to how their lover is reacting to what they are doing.
So..here’s the thing. Each woman likes to be touched differently. Each woman has a different body, so this makes sense, right? So if you always do the same things when you give different women oral sex, what you are doing is not going to work for everyone.
As you are stroking the area, start paying close attention to how her body reacts to each touch. Does she sigh, moan, lean in when your hand touches her one place versus another? All of these reactions tell you where and how to give her pleasure.
When you are ready to start oral sex on her, gently start to use your mouth on her vagina. The key word here is gentle. Just flicking your tongue or a small kiss with your lips to increase desire. Then explore all around, trying different levels of pressure or speeds of kissing, sucking, and licking.
Again, making sure to pay attention to how her body reacts and responds to what you are doing and where you are doing it.
The biggest mistake most men make in mastering the art of mindful oral sex is solely focusing on her clitoris. Yes, it is important to focus on it because women can and do have very intense and pleasurable orgasms from having it stimulated and touched in the right way. BUT…if you focus all your attention there (or anywhere else for that matter!) it gets very sensitive and can even become painful. So, when you are at the clit, vary how you use your tongue. Flatten it, soften it…you get the idea.
Mix it up
As you are kissing and sucking on her clitoris, try putting one or two fingers inside her. Again, see how she responds. You might be surprised to find this gives her an orgasm she will never forget! Just a note to be sure your fingers are very clean and that you have filed down any rough nail edges or this could give her more pain than pleasure.
And, honestly, don’t overthink things. Giving her oral sex is about pleasure—for both of you. It is about having fun. It is not supposed to be a stressful event where you are overthinking every move or touch you are making, worrying about if you are a good enough lover or if she is going to come.
If nothing else, just pay attention to how her body responds to what you are doing and just have a good time!
She loves it when you focus your attention on the clit. However, if you focus all your attention on one spot, it gets super sensitive bordering on painful. Mix it up! Use your entire tongue. Make it flat. Make it pointy. Make it soft. Make it rigid. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, and you can stimulate them all!
By now your partner is likely very aroused, and it is highly possible that you are, too. Once you have your mouth on your partner’s genitalia, just explore. Try different approaches such as varying pressure or speed of sucking or licking. Remain aware of his/her responses and use your intuition to keep the “conversation” ongoing.
Use your words
Speaking of conversations, let’s get to the difficult topic of communication during oral sex. So often people struggle to communicate about sex, particularly during sex. But how else will you know if your partner is happy with what is happening? So, in the same way, you asked permission initially, now ask your partner if they are enjoying things.
You can also ask if they might prefer something different, or if there is any discomfort. Don’t be afraid to gauge your partner’s pleasure by asking, asking, asking. Most people are very happy to engage with a lover who is so attentive and considerate.
Use your brain
Many people would believe that for oral to be good, it would have to have the inevitable “grand finale,” but this is not true. Oral sex can end in many different ways. You could move to intercourse or manual stimulation. If you really wanted to up the ante you could stop before your partner’s climax and let him or her take a turn giving you oral stimulation.
You could make a game of this, and see how many turns each of you can take before you explode. Or you could simply lay back and cuddle. Keep an open mind, and remember that sex is always different!
Be respectful
This also sounds a bit obvious but is one of the most important pieces of advice to keep in mind. If your partner is a man, ensure that you are fully comfortable with whatever arrangement you have with your partner regarding ejaculation before you start going down on him. If you need him to warn you if he is going to ejaculate so you can change your tactics, then tell him that. If you are comfortable for him to ejaculate in your mouth, tell him that too.
And regardless of the gender of your partner, keep in mind that your needs, as the “giver” need to be taken into account. Respect is a two-way street, so make your needs known: no one is a mind-reader!
Keep your wits about you
This myth that all sexual activity must end in climax often derails people. Expectations are set up and then when they are not met, disappointment ensues. People can feel inadequate that they haven’t had an orgasm, or feel as if they are not doing it right if their partner didn’t have an orgasm. If you remove all the hype around orgasm, you create an environment that facilitates relaxation and enjoyment.
Sometimes it is good enough to just feel those amazing sensations without focusing on the goal!
1. Spread the love
2. Start off slow
This is not fast food. This is a gourmet restaurant and she wants you to savor every moment. Kiss and nibble her inner thighs, use your lips or your breath on her labia. She feels every little nuance, and it all feels very, VERY good.
3. Skip the porn tricks
Guys, she is a regular, everyday woman. She is not a porn star. Plus, she can tell when you’re using Howard Stern’s alphabet technique (I know you can be more creative than that!). Rather than trying something you saw on the boob tube, keep it simple. Try swirling your tongue around her clitoris in small circles, clockwise and then counter-clockwise. You’ll find the right spot, guaranteed.
4. Forget the game plan
If you come to the bedroom with a super specific end goal, say giving her a squirting orgasm, it can be a turn-off. Why? Because, the moment it becomes goal-oriented rather than pleasure-oriented, she loses interest. Plus, she’ll feel like something is wrong with her if you try really hard and she just can’t get there. If you want her to be comfortable with squirting, try not to focus on it too much. She wants to get lost in the moment, not feel like you are trying to turn her into your favorite webcam girl.
5. Remember the golden rule
Think of all of the things you love when she goes down on you. Do you love gentle sucking? Nibbling? Light teeth? Deep suction? Great — maybe she does too! Gently, try those techniques on her clitoris. After all, it is essentially a small penis with double the nerve endings.
6. Don’t forget your fingers!
7. She feels everything down there).
Get into it!
If she senses you’re feeling the least bit obligated or bored, she will shut down. Please be aware of how vulnerable she may feel lying there with her legs spread and try to be very complimentary and enthusiastic even during the most common sex positions. I promise it will pay off — that little extra effort can turn a self-conscious woman into the lusty, naughty woman you’ve always wanted.
Looking for tips on giving oral sex to a man?
Well, try some light massage on his perineum, the sensitive area between his anus and balls. Try using saliva to get his junior’s head and shaft all wet. Then give him a blowjob, with lingering licks and slowing down and building up bis stimulation intermittently and keep doing what you are doing, when he is about to ejaculate.
Work on your sexual communication, educate yourself on oral sex tips and positions and pay attention to each other’s arousal signs!. You will have your partner begging for more while touting you as his favorite (porn)star!
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Dr Frankie Bashan
Psychologist
Dr. Frankie Bashan is a renowned relationship coach and dating expert. She is a licensed clinical psychologist with over a decade of experience working with couples and individuals and specialized training in the field of trauma. She possesses a unique combination of formal training, innate emotional intelligence, and communication skills that allow her to help couples struggling with relationship issues of all kinds. Dr. Frankie is the CEO & Founder of LittleGayBook.com, which focuses on personalized matchmaking for lesbians and bisexual women, and has successfully connected couples across the United States for the last decade. Her latest venture is as CEO & Founder of LittleBlackBookMatchmaking.com, specializing in personalized matchmaking for heterosexual singles. Dr. Frankie?s coaching is based in the San Francisco Bay Area, but clients can access her services via Skype/FaceTime/Zoom from around the globe. You can follow Dr. Frankie on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.
(Frankie is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Oakland)
