12 Healing Steps for Dating After an Abusive Relationship

Getting into a relationship after leaving an abusive one can be challenging in different ways. For starters, the individual might be unaware of what a healthy relationship looks like.

In addition, since they were abused in the relationship, it might be difficult for them to emotionally connect with their partners, causing conflicts in the relationship. If you or anyone you know intends dating after an abusive relationship, here’s a walkthrough to help them do it the right way.

How to conquer the fear of dating after leaving an abusive relationship?

When some people leave an abusive relationship, they decide not to enter into another relationship for a long time. Usually, people make such decisions because of the fear of falling into the wrong hands when selecting another partner.

An abusive relationship can leave the victim scarred and scared of trusting again. In addition, it can make them develop some unhealthy behaviors that might affect them in their new relationship.

Getting over the fear of dating after an abusive relationship often starts with acknowledging that you were abused. Also, it involves seeking help from a professional and building a strong support system to help you heal.

The fear of starting a new relationship after an abusive one doesn’t fizzle away instantly. It involves being patient with the process of healing and learning to trust people again.

What does it involve to start dating after an abusive relationship?

When it comes to dating and love after abuse, it requires lots of learning and unlearning. 

You will have to identify some toxic traits your ex-partner showed and watch out for them in your potential partners. In addition, you will need to learn how to open up to your new partner and trust that they will not abuse you in any form.

According to Psychologist Mert Şeker:

Beginning to exit an abusive relationship involves a process of regaining the individual’s psychological and emotional well-being. This process may involve a number of steps. The first step is to recognize and accept the abuse. Then, the person needs to begin taking steps toward regaining their power and control. This can happen in different ways, such as ending the relationship, seeking legal support, or seeking counseling. 

It is possible to fall into an abusive relationship again if you have not spotted the patterns that come with it. Hence, before you start dating, be sure of what you want and what you have to avoid before trusting your heart with someone else.

This research study by Deborah K Anderson and Daniel George Saunders talks about what it involves to leave an abusive partner, and how their psychological well-being is affected. It also highlights what they go through before entering a new relationship. 

Related Reading: 5 Essential Tips On How To Get Out Of A Toxic Relationship

12 things to consider when dating after an abusive relationship

It is important to note that no signal indicates the perfect time to start a relationship after abuse. 

This is because some unchecked features from your previous one can show up in your new relationship. Therefore, when starting a new relationship after an abusive one, there are some things to consider.

1. Try to heal from your past

After leaving your past union, you might be interested in entering a new one almost immediately. However, you need to take time to recover from an abusive relationship to prevent some hidden trauma from reflecting in your new relationship.

Sometimes, the excitement that comes with dating after an abusive relationship can prevent you from realizing that there are unresolved personal issues that you have not resolved for yourself.

Related Reading: How To Heal From The Emotional Scars Of Past Relationships

2. Learn about both abusive and healthy relationships

Before dating after an abusive relationship, you need to educate yourself. This is the time when you learn all about abusive and healthy relationships. Knowing more about abusive relationships helps you understand all that you went through to heal properly.

Psychologist Mert Şeker suggests:

The main differences between abusive and healthy relationships center on power dynamics, consent, communication, and empathy. In abusive relationships, one party tends to use power and control over the other, whereas in healthy relationships, power is balanced and mutual. In abusive relationships, there may be a lack of consent and coercion, whereas in healthy relationships, both parties participate consensually.

It also helps you spot the signs of abuse when you want to enter a new relationship. On the other hand, learning about healthy relationships helps you know what to expect from your new partner when you start dating.

3. Don’t ditch your instincts completely

Because you have experienced an abusive relationship, there are some warning signs that you would naturally detect in a prospective partner without being told.

Hence, when you notice that an individual tends to be a toxic partner that would create an abusive relationship, it is best to end things at that stage. If you feel that everything is not right, you are likely correct, and you have to be careful of them before things become more intimate and complicated.

Related Reading: 15 Glaring Signs That Affirm You Are In Abusive Relationship

4. Don’t rush the process

Before you start dating after an abusive relationship, you need to take things slow. Invest enough time in knowing everything about your partner, and let them know you too. 

Be careful to confirm if they have some toxic traits that might make your relationship an abusive one. The both of you should get to the point where you are not afraid of expressing yourselves healthily.

Related Reading: 7 Signs To Help You Instantly Recognize A Toxic Person

5. Identify your triggers

Any victim of abuse experiences PTSD, anxiety, or depression when something reminds them of their abusive relationship. These triggers could be smell, taste, words, sound, shouting, music, etc.

When these triggers are in play, the victim remembers their abuser and begins to experience panic attacks, sad memories, etc. 

You might not be aware of these triggers until you take time out to study yourself properly. When you can identify these triggers, you can discuss them with your potential partner to help you control them.

Related Reading: 11 Ways To Successfully Navigate Triggers In Your Relationship

6. Find professional help

You might experience PTSD or unnecessary anxiety sequel to dating after emotional abuse, affecting your normal life.

Psychologist Mert Şeker says:

To reduce triggers in a new relationship following an abusive relationship, individuals should focus on rebuilding their self-esteem and developing healthy relationship dynamics. The first step in this process begins with understanding and accepting the effects of abuse. Strengthening emotional well-being and self-esteem is vital by utilizing professional resources such as therapy or support groups.

Therefore, you need help to make you love the right way to have a healthy relationship. You can seek professional help from a therapist vast in this field to help you through the healing process. Professional help allows you to acknowledge your past and learn coping methods to deal with triggers.

7. Have a solid support system

Abusive partners can isolate their spouses from their family and friends when they are in a relationship. When you want to start dating after an abusive relationship, it is important to reconnect with your family, friends, and other categories of people who make up your support system.

With a solid support system, you can recover quickly from the trauma of an abusive relationship and get your life back on track.

8. Prioritize self-care

If you want to start dating after an abusive relationship, you need to intentionally look out for yourself. Your self-care is important to remain emotionally and mentally stable. 

You should look out for things that make you happy and do them more often. This is part of the healing process because it is important to boost your self-esteem and love yourself more before dating after a toxic relationship.

Related Reading: 5 Steps To Help You With Learning To Love Yourself

9. Start learning to trust again

A healthy relationship needs trust to thrive. Usually, people who suffer abuse find it difficult to trust again because of their partner’s deeds. Therefore, it would be more difficult for them to be vulnerable around their partner.

However, if you want to start dating again after an abusive relationship, you need to learn to trust people. You can start slowly by watching their actions and trusting them in bits till you become comfortable around them.

Related Reading: 15 Ways On How To Build Trust In A Relationship

10. Discuss your past relationship with your potential partner

When you begin to feel comfortable with your potential partner, it would not be bad to open up to them about details of your past relationship. You need to have open and honest communication with your would-be partner about the abuse you experienced.

Also, allow them to talk about their past because it is needed to foster trust as you begin a new relationship. If you see that your potential partner is willing to help you heal from the trauma of your past relationship, it is a signal that they might be the right person for you.

Related Reading: Are Your Past Relationships Haunting Your Current Marriage

11. Tell your partner if their behaviors remind you of your ex

Sometimes, your potential partner’s behavior might remind you of abuse you experienced in your past relationship. 

They might not be aware until you mention it to them. If your potential partner is the right person for you, they will correct themselves and apologize to you. When you openly communicate with your partner, you will feel more secure with them.

12. Define the kind of relationship you want

Anyone who leaves an abusive and toxic relationship will not want to return to a similar one again. Therefore, before you start dating after an abusive relationship, you need to be clear on the type of relationship you want.

Identify the red flags you noticed in your past relationships, and use them as a benchmark when selecting a new partner. Also, identify the boundaries you want to set in your new relationship so that you won’t experience some things you went through in your past relationship.

Emily Avagliano’s book Dating after Trauma is an eye-opener for those who want to start dating again after leaving an abusive relationship. It teaches readers the steps to take to find the love of their life and build a healthy relationship. 

Conclusion

Dating after an abusive relationship is like journeying into the unknown, especially if you didn’t learn from the relationship. 

You need to be clear on the difference between an abusive and healthy relationship to not settle for another wrong partner. In addition, be patient with yourself during the healing process and learn to trust and love again. 

If you have experienced an abusive relationship and are looking to start again, Meg Kennedy’s book titled: It’s My Life Now is for you. The book helps victims of abuse find their footing and get their love life back on track after an abusive relationship.

How to overcome an abusive relationship? Watch this video.