Breakups are not only hard, they can frequently feel like something inside of us had died. The loss of a relationship can often be just as painful as actually losing a loved one. And it makes sense – this person that you were so intimately involved with, that was such an intertwined part of your life, is suddenly gone; unreachable, untouchable. Even if the breakup was good-natured and amicable, and you’ve decided to remain friends (which again is very debatable), it’s impossible to completely erase that feeling of complete loss.
And it really is a loss – a loss of the future that you had pictured with them. A loss of all of those wonderful times you shared, or those that you thought were coming soon.
So how do we move on from a heart-rending breakup?
Getting over a breakup involves repairing our shattered hopes, dreams and hearts. Of course, the best healer of all emotional wounds is time; however, there are a few things you can do to help yourself.
First, know that getting over a broken heart is very similar to processing grief of any kind. You’ll go through many, if not all, of the same stages:
Stage 1: Denial.
This happens before, during, and after the actual break up. We may pretend that nothing is wrong. Once the breakup is official, we may pretend that it’s nothing, or believe that it’s just a fight, and that we’ll be able to work it out. We constantly check our phones to see if there’s any message. We keep reassuring ourselves that everything will be back to normal, even though deep down inside we know it can never really be.
Stage 2: Anger.
“How could he/ she have done this to me?”
We feel like we hate them, and we tell everyone who’ll listen just how bad they were, and how much they’ve hurt us. The truth, however, is that we’d take them back in a second if they would just call…
Stage 3: Bargaining.
We’d do anything to get them back! We’ll forgive them for whatever they have done. We just somehow want to be pulled out of this deep, dark pit of despair and make things like they were before.
Stage 4: Depression.
We feel utterly depressed. We cry and wonder what we’ve done to deserve this. Getting out of bed in the morning is a task and all you want to do is wallow in your own painful feelings.
Even though this stage is the toughest, there’s light ahead – you’re on your way to truly healing. Of course, if this stage extends for too long, then you must consider seeking help from professionals, friends and family. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help.
Stage 5: Acceptance.
This is where the real healing begins, and the sooner you can get to this phase the better. This is the stage where you finally recognize that it’s really over, and there’s no going back. Acceptance is a great place as it opens up several possibilities for an even better loving experience.
Here are some tips to heal faster
So how do we get to this point as quickly and painlessly as possible? Here are some suggestions:
Tears heal. Tears cleanse. Let them flow. They can remove toxins, lower stress, and elevate our mood. Just like forgiveness, the tears are 100% for YOU, not for them. You’re crying to release the grief you feel.
Remember that you are in control now – not them. In relationships, we don’t realise but the person we love holds so much power on us. When it’s all over, take it back from them. Know that you’re in control of your own mind and feelings – and only you have the power to release them. So, release the negative memories, but hold onto the beautiful ones.
Be gentle and loving with yourself! Map out a plan of one little thing every day you’re going to do for yourself to feel special. Get a new look, a new wardrobe, or treat yourself to something you wouldn’t normally indulge in. It doesn’t have to be anything more than some small thing, but let it be about you and your needs for a change, instead of about everyone else.
Brooding, indulging in self-pity, junk foods, alcohol and drugs is going to serve no purpose at all. Your beautiful, loving self deserves better.
And write, write, write. Every time you have something you need to say to them, every time you feel the emotion bubbling up inside you, express it; get it all down. Preferably with pen and paper.
Forgiveness is not about the other person. It’s about YOU. And your feelings.
The definition of forgiveness is “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)” as well as “to give up resentment of or claim to requital for”. What this act, you free up your mind, body and soul to truly move forward to a better place.
Don’t take it personally.
Know that this relationship ended because it wasn’t the right relationship for you…or for them either.
It has nothing to do with you. You are absolutely lovable, and you deserve to be loved…by the right person.
Remember that the secret to getting over a broken heart lies with you. Surround yourself as often as you can with your cheerleaders and those people who love you. Accept their support and their reminders that you are a beautiful, caring, loving person and you deserve to be loved. Baby steps will get you there, if that’s what you need.
Whatever you do, just make sure to move on, and keep moving, in the right direction.