The Key to Judgment-free Communication: Mirroring, Validation and Empathy

Marcie Scranton

Marcie Scranton, Marriage & Family Therapist

Expertise: Marriage & Family Therapist

Marcie Scranton, PsyD, is an LMFT who specializes in relationship conflicts, major life transitions, depression, anxiety, and issues arising from recovery. In addition, she... Read more

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, Marriage & Family Therapist , Marriage & Family Therapist

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Updated: 4 Jul, 2023

Table of Contents

Mirroring shows you listen by repeating your partner’s words to confirm accuracy, inviting closeness and preventing misreads.
Validation builds safety by acknowledging their feelings as valid in the moment, even if you’d handle things differently, which helps them feel seen and cared.
Empathy deepens connection by naming how your partner might feel and imagining their experience, which builds trust while you still honor your own needs.

Your partner voices a complaint. How do you hear it? How do you respond?

Granted, it can be difficult to set aside one’s own needs or point of view in the middle of a disagreement. All too often defenses take over, and before you know it, you’ve found yourselves in an accusation-hurling contest. Maybe you’ve gotten good enough at listening to each other, so that you’re able to come to some kind of resolution before too much damage has been done. But even so, wouldn’t it be better to get to that point without having to go through the fight in the first place? To get there without shaming, disregarding, or misinterpreting one another?

The next time an issue arises, try using these techniques borrowed from Imago couples therapy.

And when it’s your turn to voice a complaint, stay with how the other person’s behavior – not their personal characteristics – has made you feel.

Mirroring

Simply stated, you just repeat what you heard your partner say, and ask if you’ve heard them accurately. Try not to paraphrase, or color it with your own interpretation. Your partner can then correct any misunderstanding. Repeat until both of you are satisfied that the message is clear. Beyond gathering information in order to fully respond to the issue at hand, this kind of questioning in and of itself shows that you’re interested. Both of you need to stay on topic; don’t allow other issues to come into the discussion. Save those for another time.

Validation

You don’t need to agree with your partner’s point of view. You simply have to agree that it makes sense, given the circumstances. You may have a completely different version of the situation, but again, that can wait. For now, imagine how you would react if you had no stake in what was being told to you. Take a step back, and try to focus on the feeling your partner is experiencing, rather than the specifics.

Empathy

How do you imagine your partner feels? Verbalize it. Remember, you don’t need to give up any of your own needs, power, or position to empathize. It may seem simple, but this is a critical step in modifying and preventing injury to the relationship.

You can decide beforehand how much time to spend on the issue. Then switch sides and roles, but avoid rebuttal and the need to pick apart the details. You don’t need to come to a resolution – this is just a way for each of you to be heard without judgment or escalation. Over time, you may be pleased to discover how much deeper your understanding of one another has become.

The bottom line

Communication has always been and continues to be one of the most important pillars of a relationship. Through mirroring, validation, and empathy, a couple can easily establish a good channel of communication that can help their relationship thrive.

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Marcie Scranton Marriage & Family Therapist

Marcie Scranton, PsyD, is an LMFT who specializes in relationship conflicts, major life transitions, depression, anxiety, and issues arising from recovery. In addition, she is trained in Trauma-Focused CBT, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting, and Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy. Her approach is... Read more results-oriented and incorporates modalities based on Attachment, Existentialist Theory, Object Relations, and Family Systems. Read less

(Marcie Scranton is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Los Angeles)

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Sample Question

When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

How do I talk to my partner about something that bothers me without sounding like I’m attacking them? Every time I try, it blows up.

Taylor

I still mess this up a lot, but I’ve noticed it goes way worse when I bring things up after I’ve been stewing all day. I think I’m calm, but I’m really not. Waiting a bit helps, even though it’s hard to sit with it.

Mike

I had to admit to myself that I was being kind of attacking without meaning to. I thought I was “just being honest,” but my tone said otherwise.

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