I Broke The No Contact Rule, Is It Too Late?

Meeting a stranger in a crowded room can eventually result in you being in a committed relationship with them. But if you were asked to reverse that, treating someone you were committed to like a stranger. Could you treat your ex as a stranger if you were to break up? 

There are suggestions that this can work if you merely avoid that person entirely or follow what has become infamously known as the “no contact rule.”

What happens to those who end up saying, “I broke the no contact rule, is it too late for me to start over?”

A break-up can be an incredibly devastating point in someone’s life. You need to deal with the significant loss of a person you were emotionally and physically close to.

But then you’re asked to cut all ties because the individual no longer wants to be in contact with you at all. That leaves the two of you again be virtual strangers. 

In reality, avoidance or no contact is the best thing a person can do to heal the part that longs to reach out and help the ex see what a horrible mistake they’re making by walking away. Sadly, that will only leave you more hurt than the initial break-up. Stay strong and move on.

Related Reading: Get Back with Your Ex With the No Contact Rule

What is the no contact rule?

When partners agree to maintain no contact, there must not retain active markers of friendship. 

In attempting to understand what is the no contact rule, remember that when two people break up, someone will usually say, “I’d like to remain friends.” But under the no contact arrangement, there is no promise of friendly relations post-breakup. 

Under no-contact, there must be no milestone greetings, no “shares” or “likes” on social sites. Each person needs to block their ex from their connections on these platforms and delete and block mobile numbers. 

Further, the individuals should not visit the places they used to frequent together because how would you determine who has the right to continue going there over their ex and what if they run into each other. 

If they do, by some fate, invariably catch each other in public, there should only be a glimmer of acknowledgment and they should ideally pass each other like casual acquaintances.

All the details of no contact may seem incredibly harsh when you consider that this was once a person you held the utmost love and respect for. 

However, you need to recognize that somewhere that took a spiral. You fell out of sorts, leaving at least one of you less than satisfied and feeling a need to go.

While you might not have been ready to let go yet, you wouldn’t want to remain in a partnership where you perhaps can’t see a future together. How do you deal? The no contact rule. It is a must in these circumstances.

Read more details about this rule in Natalie Rue’s book, “The No Contact Rule.” She offers a guide that would help address the temptation that one may feel to contact their ex after the breakup. 

What makes the no contact rule so effective?

The adage goes, “out of sight, (eventually) out of mind.” While you’re raw from emotion after a break-up, the first thing you want to do to comfort yourself is reach out to the person with whom you always found solace, presuming it will be there for you. 

The harsh truth is that you will most likely will be met with the cold shoulder treatment and anger for breaking the no contact rule after breakup. 

Letting go of a partner when they express that the relationship is over as far as they’re concerned requires strength, reminiscent of ripping a bandaid off, all at once, cold turkey. 

If you’re honest with yourself, there might have been a few signs indicating your mate was having a few misgivings about the partnership before the break-up. 

Usually, relationships don’t go from happy, joyful, and loving to an abrupt walking away unless there is an infraction on your part, like you did something reprehensible. 

If you did nothing but the relationship just ran its course, there were likely indications the distancing was happening along the way. But when a mate finally walks away, they want to be done with it, including an active no contact rule.

This rule is an effective tool for both people because it allows the person left to begin the healing process without constant reminders of the loss. At the same time, the person who initiated the breakup can move forward with their life without constant reminders of the past. 

Check out the podcast “No Contact Means No Contact” where all aspects of this no contact arrangement are discussed.

I broke the no contact rule, is it too late?

You may have wondered whether love love laways involves playing mental games. This probably is where the confusion is set in for some of us who treat manipulation as a way to get back with someone you’re still in love with. 

The key to a healthy, thriving connection is a solid, open line of honest, vulnerable communication. 

If someone breaks up with you, walks away, and says they don’t want to be with you, the “no contact rule” is written with the implication that you keep an ex as an ex and avoid them; while harsh, it makes sense. 

Related Reading: 16 Powerful Benefits of Vulnerability in Relationships

You’re attempting to keep a partnership that, if you’re successful, will be one-sided and unfulfilling for you. If you are guilty of breaking the no contact rule, ask yourself what you’re hoping to gain.

You won’t be able to see how effective the no contact rule is until you understand its true purpose is healing and you need to be commitment to that end as you can’t be available for a healthy relationship until you do so.

What happens if you break the no contact rule?

The consequences for breaking a no-contact order are much more stringent than the “rule.” An order is something people take out with law enforcement to keep an individual away.

If broken, criminal charges can be brought against an individual. Tthe contact “rule” is a mutual agreement between two people who were once close to each other. 

In some cases, individuals who declare “I messed up the no contact rule” carry a glimmer of hope that they can repair the relationship and get back with their mate eventually. 

The problem when you say, “I broke no contact, can I start again,” is you’ve likely created contention with your ex. If your ex walked away, it was a clear indication they needed time apart, alone, away from the partnership. 

It was either stifling or not what they needed then, and they needed a break. With you indicating “I broke no contact,” that’s almost like saying, “I have no respect for your need for space.”

How you present yourself matters. If you’re begging, pleading, or expressing how wrong your ex might have been in their decision, breaking no contact will likely result in the ex finding more stringent ways to keep you from being able to contact them.  

“Is it too late to go no contact after begging” will depend on your ex, but you need to start immediately. Both of you might need the space. How much time a mate needs will be up to their capacity to re-evaluate and heal. 

By breaking the no contact rule, you don’t allow them any time and space to heal, nor do you give yourself the opportunity to see if perhaps the breakup was the right thing for the two of you.

Related Reading: Taking a Break in a Relationship to Fix a Struggling Relationship

Watch this video by Relationship Coach Brad Browning if you are wondering whether your ex will forget about you during no contact:

How long does it take to get your ex back using no contact

The time taken to get your ex back after no contact is purely subjective. It depends entirely on the couple and the specific situation. 

If an ex is not given sufficient time apart to see if the break-up is the right move, it will be challenging for them to designate a timeframe for how long should no contact last.

You could ultimately push your partner into making it much more challenging to reach them if you continually being in a situation to say, “I broke no contact with my ex.” With consistent instances of begging and pleading for the partnership to be restored, you usually make things worse.

If you have to ask how long is too long for no contact, you should probably understand that your partner is attempting to move beyond the partnership and progress into a different life. You should allow them the space to do so.

Related Reading: Get Back with Your Ex With the No Contact Rule

Final thought

If you can say, “I broke the no contact rule, is it too late to try the process one more time;” it’s probably wise to take a few drastic measures to ensure you can in no way reach out to your ex for any reason again. That’s not for their benefit, as well as your own. 

When you go through a loss of any kind, it can be devastating, and often we try to grasp any shred of memory or link to that person, place, or thing to avoid the pain attached to that loss. 

When the individual is just a phone call away, it’s a matter of dialing up to get that fix. But let the person who wants to be alone, apart from you, have some space, following the no contact rule, which they specified.

You have to feel those feelings, go through that pain, and do so without the person who used to provide the comfort and solace because that’s what they want. That means allowing yourself the opportunity for no contact. 

It’s can be a harsh rule to maintain, but if you need help with it, reach out to a therapist to guide you along the way. Professionals are there to help when you struggle on your own. We’re not always capable by ourselves; sometimes, we need to reach out for help, and that’s okay.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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