What Is Love Avoidant Behavior: 5 Ways to Deal

The most basic definition of a relationship is a regular interaction between known individuals. It doesn’t have to be pleasant or intimate. As long as there’s a consistent interaction, whether it’s positive, negative, or neutral, it is a relationship. Do you know what is love avoidant behavior in relationships?

Obviously, there are all kinds of relationships. Intimate relationships, whether married or not, are a very special type of relationship. 

You build your future with your chosen partner. They are people you willingly entrust for the welfare of your children and the person who supports you when you are most vulnerable.

That doesn’t mean your world revolves around that person. A certain level of distance is needed to continue individual development even inside an intimate relationship. Some people want too much distance. They are called love avoidant behavior personalities.

What is love avoidant behavior? 

A love avoidant personality is a person who chooses to avoid the display of love for their partner. It can be a natural attachment style, or you could have developed it due to past experiences or unresolved emotional conflicts. 

A love avoidant behavior is simple; they avoid showing love for their partner. Due to their complicated attachment style, it becomes almost impossible to move forward in a relationship with them. 

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A love avoidant personality hardly expresses intimacy and maintains distance from their partner. To understand why someone has love-avoidant behavior or personality, it is extremely important to find out where the problem stems from. Is there something that has triggered avoidant behavior in them, or do they have an avoidant personality disorder? 

To understand more about love avoidant behavior, let’s dive deeper into this topic.

Related Read: 5 Common Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder of Your Spouse

Love avoidant characteristics

There are clear signs when your partner is a love avoidant. Here is a list of things to consider if you’re in a relationship with someone who values distance and their individual needs more than closeness in an intimate relationship.

1. Lacks physical intimacy
2. Will not commit to a future together
3. Avoids verbalizing their feelings of love
4. Constant flirting and infidelity
5. Refuses to communicate
6. Refuses to solve conflicts
7. Verbally abusive
8. Keeps secrets
9. No time for the relationship

Love avoidant behavior has most, if not all, of the above characteristics. Their focus is away from the relationship and is not constructively nurturing it.

How to deal with a love-avoidant partner

As much as the best course of action is to walk away from such a selfish person, it‘s still our duty here as relationship advisors to help you to the best.

People with such behaviors enjoy the benefits of a relationship but want to stay as a free agent and enjoy its benefits. It is a conscious or subconscious attempt to have the best of both worlds. 

They can’t tell their intimate partner/s that, so they have many excuses to keep their distance, such as career, personal, and financial development. Here are some ways to deal with a love-avoidant partner:

1. Appeal to their ego

A love avoidant personality would never do anything that is not advantageous to them. You have to play the tyrant advisor who strokes their ego and validates their existence to feed their delusions of grandeur.

That is the only way they will feel a need to keep you around. 

Related Read: 10 Signs of Ego in Relationship and What to Do

2. Try to understand them

Coping with an avoidant partner can take a toll on your mental health. However, if it is bearable, you should try to understand them. 

Due to their attachment style, they have perceived that no one will be there for them. To protect themselves from a deep emotional connection and develop a defensive attitude. 

Try to understand their point of view and deal with them with love and care. 

Dr. Jennifer Schulz, PhD in Psychology, says, 

The avoidant attachment style is often rooted in childhood trauma or a poor relationship with one’s caretakers during childhood. When you understand the root of the problem, it’s easier to have compassion and understanding for your partner. 

Related Read: How to Understand Your Partner Better 15 Ways

3. Give them some space

A love-avoidant partner is already trying to stay away from people and emotions, and there is no point in chasing them continuously. Give them room to think clearly and sort things in their head first. 

Even when you are physically around them, they can feel uncomfortable, and it is best to leave them alone sometimes. 

Here is a video that explains how giving space to your partner is important.

4. Be open about your needs and wants

Setting some boundaries and clarifying what you need from them is important. Tell them what you want calmly and include clear specifics. For example, if you want to discuss something with them, tell them what it is about and when you want to discuss it so that they can prepare themselves.

Or, if they have been distant, tell them that you would like a text message or a call at least once a day. 

5. Show them they can depend on you

When you are looking for ways to love someone with avoidant personality disorder, the first thing you should do is build trust. Love-avoidant partners have trust issues and constantly feel that others will let them down. 

Try to understand that they might have dealt with many disappointments in their past and might take some time to trust you. Start with small things; just show up for the dates on time, do their dry cleaning, remember if they have told you something specific, and do things you promised. 

All this will lead them to see that you are putting in an effort, and they will start trusting you for bigger things.

6. Couple therapy would be a good option

Talk to a therapist, learn about love-avoidant attachment style, and how to cope with it. A couples counselors can help you out with that. Seeking professional help will make you understand how to communicate easily and effectively with each other. It will also help you both feel secure in the relationship. 

Dr. Schulz explains, 

Therapy is a safe setting for exploring the underlying factors contributing to an avoidant attachment style. 

A therapist will help you both set boundaries and feel loved and respected in the relationship. 

How to love someone with avoidant personality disorder

Is it possible for love avoidants to love someone back? Are they even capable of love in the first place? Yes, they are capable of love. They have way too many walls protecting themselves that they act like they don’t know how. If you are in a serious relationship with a love avoidant, here are some things you need to know.

Have they always acted this way? Is it possible that you or someone in your past has turned your partner into a love avoidant? Were they in other healthy relationships only to become love avoidant after a breakup? 

Did they act normally for years, only to change after an incident?

Love avoidant behavior is sometimes a narcissistic trait, but it can also be a defense mechanism. It is also the actions of someone who does not want to be hurt again.

Learning about their past is a good way of differentiating the two. Most narcissists grow up with condescending personalities, while some turn into love avoidants after an emotionally traumatic event. 

Suppose you can identify an incident, such as infidelity, domestic abuse, or childhood trauma, that turned your partner into a love avoidant. In that case, there’s a good chance that they are only acting out a defense mechanism.

It’s recommended to go through couples therapy to fix the issues.

If you can dig through their past and they are willing to move forward with your relationship to fix it, then there’s a good chance the person cares about you and your relationship. On the other hand, if you can’t figure out why they are emotionally distant from the get-go and unwilling to discuss the matter further, coupled with other narcissistic flags, then walk away.

Having an intimate relationship with someone suffering from a love-avoidant behavior is like shooting yourself in the foot.

You are entering a world of disappointment and pain. Unless you also suffer from a masochistic disorder such as love addiction, you are in for an emotional rollercoaster ride.

The symptoms of a love avoidant show that they are either predators, prey, or both.

A lot of psychopaths were victimized by someone in their past. If you fall in love with one, identify which category they belong to before engaging in a relationship. 

10 signs to check if an avoidant loves you

It is confusing to determine love-avoidant behavior, but here are some signs that could mean that a love-avoidant person loves you.

1. They let you get closer to them more than anyone else. They try to be as close as they can be, even though it’s hard for them. 
2. In tough times, they might disappear or withdraw during a conflict, but they keep coming back to you. 
3. They always make an effort to explain their behavior to you.
4. They try to establish a routine with you. No matter how often they fail to keep up, they keep trying. 
5. They try to take an interest in your hobbies and do activities you like. 
6. They feel sad when you are sad. They feel happy when you are happy. 
7. Your relationship with them impacts their personal life. 
8. They try to meet your needs and wants, even though it is difficult for them. 
9. They like to spend more and more time with you. They try to be as comfortable as they can around you. 
10. They don’t fear committing anything to you. They don’t keep a backup and keep their relationship with you exclusive.

Final thought

We may not be able to control who our hearts choose, but we will not get into a relationship until the brain makes up its mind.

Protect yourself by identifying what kind of person they are before involving yourself in a serious relationship. Love avoidant behavior may not be something that could leave you lying dead in the woods, but it can tear your soul apart.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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