10 steps to Navigate Social Media Boundaries in a Relationship

Do you know your social media usage? Is it hours or minutes? In fact, Americans spend 2 hours and 3 minutes a day, according to Statista. This clearly impacts our well-being and social media boundaries in relationships have never been so important. Assuming that you want to keep your relationships.

Does social media ruin relationships?

There’s a reason the wise say not to do anything to excess but to keep things in balance. Like anything, the social media impact on relationships can either be positive or negative. It all depends on how you apply your social media boundaries in relationships. 

Social media feeds our need to be better than others and to constantly compare ourselves. We all want to be perfect on social media. Furthermore, it accentuates our fear of missing out, as an assistant professor of clinical psychiatry explains in her article on social media and perfection. 

All this can lead to anxiety and depression, which is why you often see social media and marriage problems quoted together. Without social media relationship rules, you can unknowingly distance your partner such that intimacy disappears. 

Social media ruins relationships when it wipes out the basics for a healthy partnership. Without direct communication, transparency, and mutual respect, your relationship suffers. Moreover, it’s easy to forget all those traits if you’re stuck in a social media black hole. 

Instead, it’s important to have clear social media boundaries in marriage. That way, you can have quality time with your partner while still enjoying some downtime with social media. You also limit the opportunity for jealousy which is also why you need strong social media boundaries in relationships.

Essentially, the key question is, “Why social media is bad for relationships?” It all boils down to how social media impacts how you relate to your partner. If you spend more time posting the ideal image of your relationship without working on that relationship, you’re in trouble. 

Related Reading: 8 Ways Social Media Ruins Relationships

How to navigate social media boundaries in a relationship: 10 steps

Social media boundaries can quickly become too loose if you don’t set them properly. It’s also important to know that there are different expectations for different couples and social media. Everyone is different in how they view and judge social media. 

How to not let social media ruin your relationship starts with understanding your current habits and what you want to aim for. You should work through these steps with your partner to set the ideal social media boundaries in relationships.  

Related Reading: The Harsh Truth About Social Media and Relationships’ Codependency

1. Consider your intentions 

Your first question when reviewing social media boundaries in relationships is what are you using social media for? Are you showcasing your perfect life when you post? Alternatively, is social media a way to connect with your friends? 

Moreover, what drives you to view social media whenever you pick up your phone? Is this a mindless habit or are you looking for something specific? 

There’s nothing wrong with catching up with friends or doing a check of what’s happening. People also use social media for some downtime. Nevertheless, you and your partner suffer when it sucks you in for hours and saps your energy.  

You have to worry when social media is more important than a relationship. It isn’t healthy if you care more about how others view your relationship than actually spending time with your relationship. 

At this stage, you’re simply gathering information about what drives you to social media and away from your partner. As you review your habits, you might also get insights into how you view your relationship. This then helps you understand your priorities as you set social media boundaries in relationships. 

Related Reading: 10 Tips on How to Set Intentions in a Relationship

2. Measure current time spent 

Why social media is bad for relationships revolves around how it impacts our mental state. As we constantly compare ourselves, we put pressure on our relationship and expect everything to be perfect. We also start doubting our bodies and even what we say which is stressful. 

Not only do you sacrifice time with your partner but social media can also create conflict. This study specifically focused on Instagram to show that its use negatively impacts relationship satisfaction. As partners are dissatisfied, they tend to lash out at each other. 

That’s why you need social media boundaries in relationships to nourish each other. This means communicating and listening to each other’s needs and feelings. It also means being attentive which you can’t do if you’re distracted by social media. 

As a test for yourself, before setting social media boundaries in relationships, try to note how much time you actually spend on social media. This will then be your foundation from which you can work to set your time limits. 

3. Note your scrolling habits 

Social media and marriage problems often go hand in hand without social media boundaries in relationships. It’s too easy to stalk someone or even slide into emotional cheating. What starts as innocent can quickly escalate. 

So, when you scroll, are you looking for someone? It’s fine if you’re just getting a general update about your friends. If, on the other hand, there’s that secret attraction to someone, you need to wonder what’s wrong with your relationship. What need isn’t being satisfied? 

It can seem innocent to constantly scroll through someone else’s page. So can the odd message here and there. The question is, is it taking you away from your real-life partner? If you’re starting to share more with someone else through social media, you are essentially betraying your relationship. 

4. Respect your partner’s style

Social media boundaries in marriage often include privacy. For example, some couples agree to have open accounts on social media and share their passwords. This can feel like a violation to others. So, make sure you agree on the approach that works for both of you.

Other social media rules for married couples can be simply to appreciate each other’s approach. Some people like to post more often than others and some do many likes. The key to setting social media boundaries in relationships is to make sure that both partners are comfortable. 

Some good practices, for example, are when couples agree to not like photos of people they don’t know for no reason. They also watch their language when communicating on social media to make sure it can’t be interpreted as flirting. 

5. Ask yourself why 

When you consider social media boundaries, ask yourself why you share and post. Is it about massaging your ego, or is it truly to connect with your friends? Then again, some couples talk about their posts as a way to connect and reminisce about long-distant friends. 

Social media boundaries in relationships are about respecting both your needs and your partner’s. A good question to ask yourself whenever you’re on social media is how you would feel if roles were reversed. This then provides a good foundation for when you set social media boundaries in relationships. 

Social media works both ways, and we often don’t realize that our behaviors would upset us if someone else did them. This is when you get social media relationship jealousy. For example, do you check your partner’s social media usage but get horrified at the thought that they do the same? 

Jealousy can be triggered by the overuse of social media. It can sadly highlight that a partner is losing interest in the relationship. On the flip side, it can also be a symptom of something much deeper. Your attachment style plays a big role in how secure you feel in a relationship. 

Watch therapist Brian Macwlliam’s video to learn more about jealousy and insecure attachment styles as you consider your own social media boundaries in relationships:

6. Talk to your partner about the right approach 

Your social media relationship rules don’t have to be overly restrictive. Whatever you decide, be open with your partner. The more transparent you can be, the easier it is to set social media boundaries in relationships that make sense for both. 

A potential sticking point is how you want to deal with exes. You also have those people who can harm your relationship. They could be flirtatious or critical. Either way, it’s best to talk about whether you unfriend them or just keep contact to a bare minimum.

At this point, you also want to watch your emotional reactions. Perhaps your partner wants to stay friends with his ex despite you not being happy with it? In that case, clearly state your needs. Although, you can also reflect on what is causing you distress.

Again, if you’re securely attached, you won’t worry about your partner’s ex. If, on the other hand, you live in terror that you’re going to be abandoned, you might want to talk to a therapist. 

Of course, this doesn’t excuse inappropriate behavior with exes which is why you need your social media boundaries in relationships. In this case, work together to define what is appropriate  communion with exes and what isn’t. 

7. Pause before you type 

Anything that can impact behaviors, and mental states is usually hotly debated. The true impact of social media is complex. Either way, there’s a huge volume of misinformation going around. 

It’s always worth thinking before you post or message. Sometimes even walking away and coming back can present you with a completely different viewpoint. No one wants to be a pawn in spreading false information, and yet we are usually in auto mode when on social media.  

The social media impact on relationships is such that it can cause rifts between people. As you can imagine, arguments soon start when opinions are formed on misinformation or narrow data. Instead, consider the facts and other sources of information. And always, pause before you press send. 

8. Practice phone-away time 

When social media ruins relationships, it can be hard to repair the damage, especially if trust has been broken. That doesn’t mean you can’t. 

Rebuilding a relationship starts with being open with each other and acknowledging the hurt done to each other. Usually, a therapist needs to help guide people back together. They can also support the couple in setting social media boundaries in relationships. 

At this point, couples are usually recommended to reconnect by spending time together. That means quality time sharing an experience and talking. It means phones away and notifications turned off. 

9. Communicate about how to manage online status

Posting your relationship on social media is good for some couples but not for others. The main takeaway when you set social media boundaries in relationships is that both parties need to agree. This can take some negotiating and some trial and error. 

Social media rules for married couples must be tailored to support each person’s needs. This can get trickier when one person is very private, but the other one likes to share everything on social media. 

You can still have both, but in that case, make sure that your groups of online friends are kept separate. Then, you honor each other’s styles for your different circles who are, after all, used to that style.  

10. Be clear on managing each other’s friends 

It doesn’t have to be negative when couples and social media come together. For instance, you can support each other’s posts and share your comments together. Your group of friends can also suddenly get that much larger. It can be great fun expanding your social media experience.

Nevertheless, you need to make sure you’re not violating each other’s boundaries which could lead to social media relationship jealousy. For example, you don’t want to befriend each other’s friends too soon; otherwise, it could seem you’re just using each other. 

Every relationship stage has different needs when it comes to social mead boundaries in relationships. Simply remember to be patient and not jump ahead too quickly. Give yourselves time to get to know each other first.

What’s next for your social media boundaries? 

How to not let social media ruin your relationship starts by understanding each other’s needs and styles. Then, you can talk about the right rules for you that set healthy social media boundaries in relationships. 

Why social media is bad for relationships lies in the fact that it can suck us into a parallel universe of perfection and unrealistic expectations. You then spend more time online than you do with your real partner. 

In fact, alarm bells should be ringing when social media is more important than a relationship. Instead, you should want to spend quality time with your partner. Posting your relationship on social media shouldn’t be the goal. 

A wise approach is to communicate with your partner and discuss privacy rules that work for you both. You can also discuss how to deal with exes and practice turning off notifications. If you still find yourself getting jealous or unable to switch off, you might want to work with a therapist. 

A therapist can guide you to regain your self-esteem to be more securely attached. They can also help you better connect with the real world, so you don’t feel the need to escape to social media. 

Finally, with support, you can create the right balance that gives your relationship the time it needs to grow. Together, you become better communicators and more fulfilled in your partnership. 

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Anne Duvaux Coach

Anne’s passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples... Read more transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.   She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you don’t have to do it alone. Read less

(Anne Duvaux is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Naperville)