How to Initiate Sex in a Relationship: 35+ Tips

Sometimes the spark feels warm and steady, yet taking that first step toward intimacy can still make your heart flutter.

You might wonder if the moment feels right, or if your partner is waiting for you to lean in a little closer… and it’s so normal to feel that mix of excitement and hesitation.

Learning how to initiate sex can actually feel tender, playful, even sweet when the focus is on connection rather than pressure. A soft touch, a lingering look, a small compliment that makes them smile; these little things often speak louder than anything else.

Intimacy grows in quiet moments, gentle cues, and the courage to show what you’re already feeling.

Why should you initiate sex in a relationship?

It can be crucial in relationships to initiate sex and to know how to do it correctly. This is because, without the act of initiating sex, your partner may feel unwanted or may not know that you even desire sex.

In addition, when sex is not initiated in a way that works for your partner, they won’t always be immensely turned on or interested in sex.

So, it is vital to make an effort to initiate sex to get your partner to want to have sex in the first place. Beyond this, it is essential that you figure out how your partner prefers to initiate sex.

Your preferred style may differ from your partner’s, and you can never assume that what works for you will also work for them.

You can also never assume that your significant other will make a move or let you know every time they’re in the mood for sex. This is another reason that initiating is so essential.

If you don’t take a chance and offer an invitation to have sex, the two of you may miss out on an opportunity. 

Another problem that may arise in relationships is that one partner always assumes the responsibility for initiating sex. This can make them feel pressured or as if their partner is not actually interested in sex. 

So, while you’re in a relationship, your partner may appreciate it if you take some of the pressure off of them and initiate sex once in a while.

Why are people nervous about initiating sex in a relationship?

While initiating sex is essential, people may still have reservations about how to initiate intimate relationships.

So, rejection can come as a sting, but you can overcome the fear of rejection by practicing your response to it. For instance, you might thank them for their honesty and express your appreciation for their setting boundaries. 

It is also helpful to keep in mind that if someone rejects your attempt to initiate sex, it probably says something about what is going on with them and nothing about you. Maybe they are having a bad day or simply aren’t feeling confident in their skin at the time. 

You should also remember that trying something for the first time is always a little anxiety-provoking, whether it is learning a new skill or trying a new exercise class at the gym. 

Having sex with a new partner is no different. The first time may make you nervous, but once you get through the initial encounter, it will come more naturally in the future.

35+ ways to initiate sex with your partner

How to initiate sex with your partner will depend on their preferences, as well as whether you are initiating sex in a new relationship or trying to spice things up in a long-term relationship.

Having a conversation beforehand may be helpful to ensure that both of you are on the same page. 

It may be as simple as having a chat about cues you and your partner send when you’re in the mood for sex or asking them how they would like to be invited to sex. 

Once you get an idea of where you stand or what your partner likes, here are some ideas you can implement for initiating sex: 

1. Use a direct method

When it comes to initiating intimate moments, a direct approach can be surprisingly effective. Simply ask if they want to make out or go to the bedroom. 

Your partner may appreciate you taking the lead, and straightforward communication can cultivate a deeper connection between you. It’s all about being open, honest, and considerate of each other’s desires.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Ask, “Can I kiss you properly right now?” or “Want to come to the bedroom with me?”
• Maintain gentle eye contact to show warmth and confidence.
• Keep your tone soft and inviting so your partner feels safe and wanted.

2. Put it in writing

Enhancing your connection with your partner can also involve expressing your desires in writing. During the workday, send a flirty text message or email to let your partner know you’re in the mood.

It can set the stage and make it easier to initiate sex once the two of you are together again in the evening. These written messages can be a playful and exciting way to maintain a sense of anticipation and build a stronger emotional bond throughout the day.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Send a suggestive-but-sweet text like, “Thinking about you… a lot.”
• Leave a playful note in their bag, car, or on their pillow.
• Use emojis or inside jokes that signal desire without putting pressure on.

3. Use nonverbal cues

It may be as simple as grabbing your partner’s hand and taking them to the bedroom or grabbing them by the thigh. Establish some nonverbal cues ahead of time so you can communicate with each other when you would like to initiate sex.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Gently guide them toward the bedroom while smiling.
• Brush your fingers slowly along their arm or waist.
• Create a previously-discussed “signal touch” that means you’re in the mood.

4. Offer a morning sex invitation

Since testosterone levels tend to be higher in the morning, sexual desire is also usually higher at this time of day. Asking for sex in the morning can be the best way to initiate, especially if you have a busy schedule or have been struggling with a low sex drive.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Snuggle closer and whisper something soft like, “Stay here with me a little longer.”
• Place gentle kisses on their neck or shoulder.
• Rest your hand on their chest or hip and see how they respond.

5. Schedule it 

While it may seem boring or old-fashioned, sometimes scheduling sex is the best option, especially for couples who have hectic lives or who disagree about who should initiate sex. 

With a weekly session on the calendar, there is no room for rejection or hurt feelings. This method of initiating sex also communicates to your partner that intimacy is a priority.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Choose a weekly time together, like “Friday night after dinner.”
• Treat it like a date—set lighting, music, or something that feels special.
• Check in beforehand: “Still excited for tonight?” to build anticipation.

6. Talk about past sexual experiences 

While some people prefer physical foreplay, others enjoy connecting verbally before having sex. You can get each other in the mood by discussing past sexual experiences, such as something you tried together earlier in the relationship.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Reminisce about a moment you both enjoyed: “Remember that night when…”
• Say what you loved about that moment and why it stayed with you.
• Bring up something small you’d like to repeat or expand on.

7. Develop code words 

Just like a visual cue, such as rubbing your partner’s leg, may signal that you’d like to initiate sex, you and your partner can establish some code words you can use to communicate that you’re in the mood.

For instance, you might ask your partner if they are in the mood for something salty to eat.

It can be beneficial if you don’t want children to know what’s going on or if you are looking for playful ways to determine if your partner is interested in some time between the sheets.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Choose a funny or harmless phrase like, “I’m craving something salty.”
• Practice using the phrase casually until it feels natural.
• Agree on a second code word that signals “not right now” to avoid hurt feelings.

8. Be specific about what you want 

If you know exactly what you want, don’t hesitate to ask for it.

Describing precisely what you want can make it easier for your partner to get in the mood. You might mention that you’d like to go down on them or that you’d like to have a quickie on the living room couch.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Use simple language: “I’d love to kiss you everywhere tonight.”
• Offer one specific idea rather than a vague suggestion.
• Keep the tone warm and inviting so it feels exciting, not demanding.

9. If the relationship is new, have an open conversation

While the above ways of explaining how to start sex may be more geared toward established, long-term couples, sex in a new relationship may look different. 

It is never safe or respectful to assume that just because you have been going on dates or perhaps kissing, your new partner is interested or ready for sex. 

If you have been casually dating someone new and you’re ready to initiate sex, you might tell your partner that you’ve enjoyed going on dates and getting to know each other, but you’d be interested to know if they would like to take things further. 

You might mention that you enjoyed kissing them when you parted ways the other night, and you’d like to try again in your apartment and see where things go. See how they respond, and whatever the answer, be respectful.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Say something like, “I really enjoy being close to you—how do you feel about taking the next step?”
• Reference a moment you shared to bridge the topic naturally.
• Accept their answer without pressure and be prepared to slow down if needed.

10. Discuss preferences if you are asking for sex in a new relationship 

How to become more intimate with your partner if you don’t know what your partner likes? Sounds complicated, right?  Another helpful conversation to have in new relationships is one surrounding your partner’s preferences for initiating sex.

Perhaps you have had sex a few times or are simply talking about the possibility of spending some time together in bed. Whatever the case, a direct conversation about how your partner wants to initiate sex is beneficial.

You may ask, for instance, if they prefer that you initiate sex by directly asking or if they prefer more subtle cues.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Ask: “Do you prefer subtle cues or direct invitations?”
• Share your own preferences so the conversation feels mutual.
• Check in later to adjust based on what’s working for both of you.

11. Take turns initiating

If you are looking for creative ways to initiate lovemaking, especially in a long-term relationship, you might consider taking turns. Alternate who takes turns initiating after your weekly date night. It can become a delightful tradition that keeps the flame burning in your relationship.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Agree that each of you will initiate after date nights or special evenings.
• Tell your partner, “Next week is your turn,” to build fun anticipation and excitement.
• Check in occasionally to make sure the routine still feels good for both of you.

12. Start with a massage 

If you are looking for new ways to explore how to initiate sex with your partner, a massage may be your go-to. Set the stage by starting with a back massage and moving downward. This is sure to relax them and get them in the mood.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Ask, “Want me to rub your back for a minute?”
• Use warm oil or lotion to make the touch feel smoother and more intimate.
• Gradually let your hands drift to more sensitive areas and watch their response.

13. Dress the part 

Elevate your intimate moments by adding a touch of allure to your attire—experiment by trying on a seductive outfit or introducing new, tantalizing lingerie into your bedroom routine. 

Such a simple yet effective act can convey your desire and subtly reignite the passionate sparks reminiscent of the early days of your relationship.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Put on lingerie or a seductive outfit and casually walk into the room.
• Change into something soft, silky, or revealing right before bed.
• Pair the outfit with subtle body language, such as slow movements or a teasing smile.

14. Try a passionate kiss 

Instead of a quick peck on the lips, try giving your partner a long, deep kiss to communicate that you’re in the mood for sex. This passionate display of affection conveys your desire and creates a deeper connection with your partner, setting the stage for a more intimate encounter.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Hold their face gently and pull them into a slow, intentional kiss.
• Let the kiss deepen naturally and allow your hands to explore lightly.
• Whisper something soft like, “I want more of you tonight.”

15. Surprise them when they wake up 

Unsure about how to start intimacy with your partner? If you are looking for a new way of exploring how to initiate sex with your spouse, you might surprise him by waking him up with oral sex. 

An unexpected gesture like this can be an exciting and thrilling way to kickstart your day or share an intimate moment, enhancing the spontaneity and strengthening the bond between you and your partner.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Start with gentle touches on their back, arm, or chest.
• Kiss their neck or shoulder to see how they respond.
• Whisper something sweet or playful that hints at your desire.

16. Stop waiting for the perfect conditions and just go for it 

If you wait for the perfect moment to have sex, it will never happen. If the mood hits, go ahead and initiate. 

The worst thing that can happen is your partner might not be in the mood, but it’s nothing to take personally. It’s about aligning with each other’s desires and feelings, strengthening your bond.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Make the first move when you feel naturally drawn to them.
• Say, “Come here for a minute,” and let connection take the lead.
• Accept that occasionally the timing won’t match—and that’s okay.

17. Tease them after a shower 

How do I get my partner to initiate intimacy if they have never done it before? Instead of putting clothes on immediately after getting out of the shower, walk around naked. This can be a cue to your spouse that you’d like to initiate sex. 

Such a playful and daring act can be a thrilling and enticing way to kindle the flames of passion, creating an atmosphere of anticipation and desire that paves the way for a more intimate connection with your loved one.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Walk around in a towel—or nothing at all—for a moment longer than usual.
• Drop a teasing line like, “I feel too good to get dressed yet.”
• Brush past them slowly so they feel your freshly showered warmth.

18. Sleep naked and cuddle

I have to initiate everything with my partner, but they never take the initiative. 

If you’re having trouble getting in the mood, it can be helpful to cuddle up naked in bed together. Press your body against them and slide your hand down their stomach as you cuddle to initiate sex. 

Such a tender and passionate act can convey your longing and intensify the connection between the two of you, creating a sensual atmosphere that can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying intimate experience.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Suggest, “Let’s sleep without clothes tonight—just us.”
• Press your body gently against theirs while cuddling.
• Let your hand explore slowly down their stomach or along their hip.

19. Consider taking control 

In a long-term relationship, you may sometimes have to take control. Give your partner a sex invitation by unbuttoning their shirt or climbing on their lap while you’re watching TV together. This sends a clear message that you’re initiating sex.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Straddle their lap while watching TV or sitting together.
• Unbutton their shirt or unzip your own clothing slowly.
• Whisper, “I want you right now,” to make your intention unmistakable.

20. Shower together 

Lathering up together can sometimes be the gateway to a steamy sex session. As the warm water cascades over your body, it can create a sensual and relaxing atmosphere that promotes closeness. 

The act of lathering each other up can be incredibly intimate, enhancing the connection and anticipation for what’s to come.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Invite them in with, “Come join me?”
• Gently wash their shoulders or back to increase closeness.
• Let your hands linger a little longer to show your intentions.

21. Undress in front of your partner 

The act of undressing in front of your partner is a powerful and straightforward way to express your desire for an intimate connection. It’s a non-verbal declaration that you’re ready for passion, igniting the sparks of desire between you.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Change clothes slowly while maintaining soft eye contact.
• Let your shirt or towel fall a little more deliberately than usual.
• Pair the moment with a warm smile or playful comment like, “Your turn?”

22. Give your partner positive affirmations 

We all want to feel desired by our spouse or partner, so sometimes, asking for sex is not just about directly asking to spend some time together in the bedroom.

Compliment your partner’s appearance, or tell him how much you enjoy kissing him. It can be a loving way to establish a connection, and initiating sex can happen from there.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Say something sincere like, “You look incredible today.”
• Compliment their touch, their kissing, or something they did last time.
• Build emotional closeness first: “Being close to you feels so good.”

23. Have a conversation about expectations 

If you are going to bring up sex for the first time in a relationship, it can be helpful to establish expectations.

Does your partner want to initiate sex spontaneously for the first time, or would the two of you be more comfortable setting a time to have sex once you are both comfortable? 

It is vital for both of you to be on the same page and respectful of each other’s wishes.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Ask, “What feels comfortable for you when it comes to initiating?”
• Share your own boundaries and comfort levels openly.
• Agree on the type of approach—subtle, direct, scheduled, spontaneous—that works for you both.

24. Flirt with your partner

Foreplay isn’t just about kissing and touching. Sometimes, a flirtatious conversation is all you need to set the stage for sex. Engaging in playful banter, teasing, and exchanging seductive words can create an atmosphere charged with desire.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Send a playful text like, “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
• Make a teasing comment or whisper something suggestive during the day.
• Gently touch their arm, waist, or neck during conversation.

25. Engage in physical play with your partner 

Whether wrestling on the couch or dancing in the living room, take time to engage in physical play with your partner. The physical connection can be a playful, fun way to initiate sex. It’s a refreshing approach to initiating sex that keeps the spark alive in your relationship.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Start a tickle fight, pillow fight, or playful wrestling match.
• Dance together to a song you both love, even if it’s silly.
• Let physical closeness naturally transition to more intimate touch if welcomed.

26. Be supportive 

In long-term relationships, the stress of daily life, work, and household duties can get in the way of sexual desire. Keep the spark alive by being supportive of your partner. 

Lighten some of the load by taking care of the dishes or taking the kids to the park for a few hours to give them some time alone. With your support, your partner is more likely to respond positively to your attempts to initiate sex.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Take over a chore they’ve been overwhelmed by.
• Ask, “Is there anything I can do to make tonight easier for you?”
• Give them a brief respite from their responsibilities before initiating intimacy.

27. Be a little persuasive 

It is easy to become stuck in old routines in a committed partnership, but you can spice up your sex life by being a little persuasive with your sex invitation. 

Push your partner against a wall and kiss them, or sneak up from behind and kiss their neck. This is sure to send a message.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Gently pin them against a wall for a slow, intense kiss—if they enjoy that dynamic.
• Wrap your arms around them from behind and kiss their neck.
• Say something playful like, “I can’t wait a second longer.”

28. Make a list of things you’d like to try 

Exploring new dimensions of intimacy is essential for keeping a relationship exciting. During your next date night, make a list of things you’d like to try with your partner in the bedroom. When you’d like to initiate sex, suggest that you and your partner refer to the list.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Bring up the idea during a relaxed moment, such as a date night.
• Each write down three ideas, then compare and pick one to start with.
• Keep the list in a secure location so you can refer to it at any time.

29. Speak your partner’s love language 

We all have our love language. For example, some people feel most loved when someone gives them a gift, whereas others feel loved through physical touch. Learn what makes your partner tick, and use it to initiate sex.

If your partner is a physical touch person, initiate sex by cuddling close or beginning with a kiss on the lips and seeing where it leads.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Identify their love language through conversation or a quiz.
• Tailor your initiation to match it—touch them, praise them, or give a thoughtful gesture.
• Combine emotional closeness with subtle physical cues as you get closer.

30. Try out sex toys

If you are looking for more creative ways to initiate lovemaking, you might consider visiting a sex shop with your partner.

Trying out some new toys can be a fun way to initiate sex. You might even consider leaving one of your new toys out on the nightstand to signal that you’re in the mood for sex.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Suggest visiting a shop together or browsing online.
• Pick a small toy to try first so the experience feels approachable.
• Leave a toy out subtly to signal that you’re in the mood.

31. Write a sensual love letter

Writing a sensual love letter can be an incredibly intimate gesture that can deepen your emotional connection. Pour your heart and desires into the words, making your partner feel cherished and desired.

By discreetly placing it where they’ll discover it during the day, you create an air of anticipation, making the reunion even more special. Such personal expressions of affection are not only romantic but also foster a deeper bond between you and your partner.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Write about what you love about them and what you desire.
• Leave the letter somewhere they’ll find it unexpectedly, like in their bag or pillow.
• Add one gentle, suggestive line to hint at intimacy later.

32. Use role-play scenarios

Role-playing can be an exciting way to initiate sex. Create fun and imaginative scenarios where you and your partner take on different personas, adding an element of adventure and anticipation to your intimate encounters. 

The anticipation of what character your partner will play can enhance the overall experience of intimacy and keep the flame of desire alive.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Suggest a simple scenario, such as “mysterious strangers” or “teacher and student,” if both parties agree.
• Use props or outfits only if you’re both comfortable with them.
• Keep it light—start with playful dialogue to ease into the mood.

33. Watch a romantic movie together

Choose a romantic movie that both of you enjoy and watch together. Cuddling on the couch while sharing this experience can set the mood for a more intimate evening. This shared activity provides an ideal opportunity to relax, unwind, and let the passion naturally unfold.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Pick a film with chemistry or sensual tension.
• Cuddle close under a blanket as you watch.
• Begin by gently touching, such as stroking their arm or thigh, if they are welcomed.

34. Engage in mutual fantasies

Openly discuss your fantasies with your partner and encourage them to do the same. Sharing and acting upon these desires can not only strengthen your bond but also create an exciting and passionate journey that reaffirms your compatibility, ultimately enhancing the connection between you and your partner.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Ask, “Is there anything you’ve always been curious to try together?”
• Share one of your own fantasies to make the exchange equal.
• Choose one fantasy that feels safe and exciting for both of you to explore.

35. Play a board game with a twist

Choose a board game with a romantic or sensual twist, such as a couple’s version of Truth or Dare.

These games can lead to playful and intimate interactions between you and your partner. The intimate interactions can deepen your connection, adding a layer of passion and excitement to your relationship.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Choose a game designed for couples or add your own romantic “rules.”
• Start with mild dares and gradually increase intimacy if both are comfortable.
• Pay attention to cues—continue only if they respond positively.

Watch Steph Anya, a licensed marriage and family therapist, as she explains ways to build emotional intimacy in a relationship in this video:

36. Try a dance or yoga session together

Engaging in a sensual dance or yoga session can enhance physical closeness and lead to a more intimate connection. The physicality of these activities can be a fun way to initiate sex.

As you synchronize your movements, you’ll build a deeper connection that naturally leads to a more profound and passionate encounter.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Put on slow music and sway together in the living room.
• Try a beginner partner yoga video to encourage touch and synchronization.
• Maintain physical contact—hands on hips, waist, shoulders—throughout the session.

37. Create a cozy, intimate atmosphere

Sometimes the environment itself can spark desire. A warm, inviting space signals relaxation, safety, and closeness—making it easier for intimacy to unfold naturally.

When your partner feels emotionally grounded, they’re more likely to open up to a deeper connection. Even small changes in mood or lighting can shift the entire energy between you.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Dim the lights, light candles, or turn on soft lamps.
• Put on slow music or a playlist that both of you love.
• Invite them in with a gentle, “Come relax with me for a bit.”

38. Initiate while sharing a hobby or activity

Connecting through a shared interest can build emotional closeness that transitions naturally into physical intimacy.

Doing something you both enjoy lowers pressure and makes affection feel like a natural extension of the moment. These activities create pockets of playfulness and comfort—perfect conditions for desire to grow.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Sit close while cooking, crafting, gaming, or reading together.
• Add small touches—lean on their shoulder, brush their arm, or sit in their lap.
• Slip in a soft line like, “I love being this close to you.”

39. Use slow, intentional touch

A gradual increase in touch helps your partner feel desired without pressure. It creates a gentle build-up that can easily shift into intimacy.

Slow touch encourages your partner to slow down too, making the moment feel more tender and connected. It’s intimate without being overwhelming, letting desire unfold at a natural pace.

Here’s what you can do to get started:

• Stroke their hair, back, or thigh with slow, lingering movements.
• Move closer until your bodies are lightly touching each other.
• Whisper something soft like, “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

FAQs

Initiating sex in a relationship can be hard sometimes, but with the proper planning, it can be achieved. Here, we’ll address common questions related to sexual initiation and maintaining intimacy in relationships.

• How can I initiate sex easily with my partner?

Initiating sex can be made easy through open communication, creating a romantic atmosphere, and paying attention to your partner’s desires and comfort. Discuss your desires and make your partner feel desired and at ease.

• Why don’t I initiate sex in a relationship?

Hesitation in initiating sex may stem from various factors, including stress, insecurity, or a desire for your partner to take the lead. Identifying these reasons and discussing them with your partner is crucial.

• How do you initiate sex after a dry spell in a relationship?

To reignite intimacy after a dry spell, consider scheduling quality time, exploring new fantasies, and expressing your desire for a more active sex life. Open dialogue and patience are key to reconnecting on a physical level.

In a nutshell

Initiating sex in a relationship is an art that evolves with time and understanding. If you’re wondering how to initiate sex in a relationship, start with open communication to ensure you’re both on the same page.

Discuss preferences, timing, and comfort levels to avoid misunderstandings and foster intimacy. Even long-term couples can benefit from revisiting this topic, as preferences may change over time.

Don’t shy away from experimenting with subtle hints, direct approaches, or playful suggestions to discover what resonates best with your partner.

Remember, taking the initiative strengthens your bond and keeps the passion alive. Start today—have a conversation, explore new ideas, and watch your relationship grow deeper and more fulfilling. The key lies in taking that first step together.