Every person’s nightmare is to catch their beloved ones cheating. Confronting a cheating spouse with no proof can be extremely painful. If you feel they are cheating and you have little or no proof, it’s a long and dreadful journey.
Here are a few things you want to be aware of before you confront a cheater (with or without proof):
It is going to be very emotional, and make sure you’re in the right state of mind when you want to sit down and talk to them.
Whatever the outcome is, your relationship will be rattled, and you will need to heal (both of you).
You can’t do this alone; your partner has to be on board and willing to discuss the situation.
The affair is not the problem; you have to detect what’s under it; what is the underlying issue between you two.
You’ll need to back up your story with solid reasons. Sometimes, we doubt the partner is cheating when we don’t feel good about ourselves, and we lack confidence.
There could be one or multiple reasons a partner might commit to infidelity:
They have a sex addiction, and their needs aren’t being met in the relationship
They feel unwanted by their partner.
They are bored and are looking for something exciting
They are looking for validation or proof that they are still desirable
And some cheat because they are bad, bad people who don’t deserve you
Whatever is the case, it would be amazing if there was a guide for all women on what to do when you know your husband is cheating.
It’s just difficult to behave reasonably when our heart is pumping, our blood is boiling, and there is a knife in our back. There is no “recipe” on how to confront a cheater, but there are a few helpful tips that might help you heal faster.
How to confront a cheater
If you are trying to figure out how to confront a cheater, you certainly need to understand your position in this whole situation. Is it just your gut feeling saying your spouse is cheating? Do you have proof?
Whether or not you have evidence of cheating greatly affects how the other person might react. So, here’s a mini-guide on how to confront a cheater based on the two instances: availability of evidence and non-availability of evidence.
Confronting a cheating spouse with no proof
This is a real challenge. All you have as proof is your feelings, and this alone is not going to get you far or get them to admit cheating unless they are very emotionally unstable or feel immense guilt.
You should tell them how you feel, rather than asking too many questions because asking too many questions leads people to shut down emotionally, get defensive, or even lie.
Get them to talk by asking open-ended questions.
Reassess your own confidence first and think about the reasons you’re suspicious you have a cheating husband (or wife).
If you don’t have solid proof and decide to confront him, you’re basically helping him get away with it since he’ll be only more careful from now on.
Make a plan for how you will address this. Don’t just explode and burst into tears, screaming and kicking; this will harm you more than anything.
It’s easier to confront a cheating spouse with solid proof so have it ready. This means they can’t wiggle their way out of it with excuses.
Stay calm. Discuss. Affair means something is very wrong between the two of you, and if you’re both yelling and freaking out, you won’t get to find out where and when things go wrong.
Write down all your emotions. You need to express your feelings. You don’t need advice at the moment. Just a way to pour out your pain. Use paper and pen and write it all out.
What to say to your cheating husband?
Here is the hardest question of all: how to treat a cheating husband? What’s next? What to do when your husband cheats and lies, but you still love him?
You can try to heal and find forgiveness in yourself. If you believe in him, if you believe he will change and that you both will commit to improving your relationship, you might want to consider moving on, but only if he came clean and said openly what and why he has cheated on you.
If he is still denying, it means he doesn’t respect you or your relationship/marriage enough to come clean, and without trust, there is no happiness.
Things to keep in mind before you confront a cheater
Before you confront your cheating spouse, you must plan rather than straight away going to them, considering this is a very delicate situation. Here are some things to note:
If you don’t know how to confront a cheater, the best thing to do is clear your head. Take some time off and go for a walk, get some fresh air and prevent yourself from reacting and doing things you might regret later on.
Know what you want
One of the most important things to have in mind when you are about to confront a cheating spouse is to ask yourself: What is the outcome that I want? Do you want him to apologize so you can move on? Or do you want this to end?
Be sure about it before you make the move.
Don’t react impulsively
Imagine it going the way you want it to go. It will prime your mind and soul for a good outcome, and if you want to confront a cheating husband without losing him, this is the one thing you must do. See it in your mind how you want it to be first.
When people think about how to confront a cheater, they usually have all these dramatic movie scenes where they are throwing their partner’s stuff out through the window. It doesn’t have to be this way. It can be civilized (to a certain extent).
How not to react when you find out your partner is cheating
How to confront a cheating husband without losing him? Or how to confront a cheating wife without making the situation negative?
Of course, there are certain things you must totally avoid when you find out your partner is cheating. Just because they are wrong, you don’t get a ticket to act wrong too. Avoid doing these things:
Don’t cheat on him
The first reaction would be to harm them or go with the “eye for the eye” strategy and cheat on them. Why is this our first reaction?
We want to hurt them too and feel the pain we feel, but you’re not going to hurt them by doing this. You’re only going to destroy your self-respect and after this it will be very, very hard to heal your relationship.
This is literally one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Asking for all the details is something only the worse masochists would do. Why do you need to know? You just need an answer if it happened or not.
Don’t compare yourself to the other person
This is the immediate reaction of many spouses.
Are they younger, better looking? It doesn’t matter. As mentioned before, when you’re thinking about how to confront a cheater, try to see the bigger picture. Cheating is just a symptom of a disease. Comparing yourself won’t give you the answer to why they did it.
Don’t badmouth them
This is a no-no. Some people just have this urge to badmouth their cheating spouses all over social media as an act of revenge. Why do we do it?
It’s a cry for help and support, but in most cases, people are just cringing because you’re making a public scene. You’re making it just worse for yourself.
Don’t go emptying his bank account the minute you find out he’s cheating.
You don’t have to go down to his level and act like a bad person. Revenge will make you even more bitter and will not in any way help you heal. It’s like you’re digging the hole even deeper and deeper with every desperate act of revenge.
Some of us have the tendency to disappear when things go wrong. We go back to our shells, and we just refuse any kind of communication.
Rise above it. If you do this because you don’t know how to confront a cheater, well, it’s not the answer. It is running away from the problems and the bad news is that this problem will follow you wherever you go.
Here are a few questions you can ask when you find out your spouse has been cheating:
Is there a best way to confront infidelity
The best way to confront a cheater is to present them with proof while being in control of your own emotions. It sounds impossible, but it has to be this way if you want to remain sane.
Here are the things: you don’t want to be the victim here. Things have happened that have hurt you but never ever play the victim game. Everything that happens to us is a lesson to be learned and is sent our way in exactly the right time when we need it.
Sit down with your spouse and analyze your relationship, ask yourself first, “Why would they cheat on me?” and try to answer without calling them names and swearing and crying and screaming.
Infidelity in the relationship certainly breaks the partner who has been making efforts in the relationship all this while. There is no easy way to confront a cheating spouse, but certainly, there is a way you can communicate as two grown-ups who have a serious issue in their relationship.
Some marriages and relationships heal, some don’t and that’s okay. Not everything that finds us is meant for us, but we have the choice of letting go.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.