15 Signs of Toxic in-Laws and How to Deal With Them

Have you ever thought, “My in-laws are toxic,” but weren’t quite sure why or what was causing you to feel that way? 

There could be multiple signs that you have toxic in-laws present in your life. Keep reading for signs to look out for and effective ideas on what you can do to move past in-laws who simply don’t get along.

15 signs of toxic in-laws

There are a number of signs you may notice when you suspect that you have in-laws that are toxic. Here’s a look at signs your in-laws don’t like you that you might want to watch out for.

1. They have no boundaries

In some instances, your in-laws will have no boundaries when they are acting in a toxic manner. This means they may invite themselves over any time of day or night, call at all hours, and ignore any plans that you have. 

They may become testy when you have other things to do when they pop up at the last minute since they expect you to drop what you are doing to cater to whatever they want to talk to you about or do.

2. They aren’t kind to you

Something else that may happen is that your in-laws are simply mean to you. They may pretend to like you when you are in public, but when you are alone with them, they might ridicule you or have nothing nice to say. 

This can be frustrating, but it might not have much to do with you. Instead, they may be concerned that their child married the wrong person and don’t approve of your relationship.

3. They talk about you

It is possible that your in-laws will talk about you behind your back when they are toxic. They may gossip about your life with other members of the family or their friends. 

They might even be saying things that aren’t true or disrespecting you to others. While this can lead to a great deal of distrust, the people who know you are unlikely to believe everything your in-laws tell them.

4. They make decisions about your life

Toxic in-laws have a difficult time relinquishing control. 

For this reason, they will do their best to make decisions that affect your life. They may book vacations for you that they expect you to go on, or they might tell you what to do with your money or how you should raise your children. 

You don’t have to take their advice. They may talk down to you or become incensed when you don’t do what they say.

5. They try to control your relationship

When dealing with in-laws, you may also note that they try to control every aspect of your relationship with your spouse. They may tell you what you should do, where you should live, how you should dress, and much more. 

This can also include them trying to play you and your mate against each other. They might tell your partner that you said something about them or that you were rude, and they may believe them since it could seem unfathomable that their parents would lie about something like that.

6. They give you silent treatment

When your in-laws don’t approve of something you did, or you upset them in some way, they may give you silent treatment. They might stop responding to texts and calls or just not talk to you when they see you. 

This is a passive-aggressive way of telling you that they aren’t happy with you, and in some cases, this is considered abusive. Try not to take it personally if you experience this in your life.

7. Nothing makes them happy

When your in-laws hate you or are toxic, there is probably nothing you can do to make them happy. They may find fault with everything you do, say, wear, or even the things that you accomplish. 

Keep in mind that you don’t need their validation if you are doing the things you are supposed to do as a spouse and parent.

8. They blame you for everything

In addition to being unhappy about everything you do, if you mess something up or they think you do, toxic in-laws will blame you. They may even fault you for things that you didn’t do or have nothing to do with you. 

For instance, they might say you are the reason their child didn’t get to go to medical school or isn’t successful.

9. They disapprove of you

At times, your in-laws will disapprove of you and your marriage. This may be because they had already decided who they wanted their offspring to marry and how they were going to live their life, and they feel that you have ruined these plans they made for them. 

In some instances, parents will only accept a mate that they picked out for their child, which means anyone else would not have a chance of gaining their approval.

10. They pretend to love you

Do your in-laws pretend to love you? Maybe they say that they love you and go through the motions but make no effort to spend time with you or get to know you. 

There’s a good chance they are pretending to love you, so their son or daughter won’t be upset with them, and they don’t plan on following through with actions to show they care.

11. They give unsolicited advice

Imagine your in-laws constantly telling you how to do things, even when you didn’t ask for their opinion. It’s like they think they have all the answers and don’t respect your decisions or choices.

12. They interfere financially

This is when they meddle in your money matters. They might push you to spend in ways you don’t want or demand to know about your finances, which can feel invasive and uncomfortable.

13. They emotionally blackmail

Think of it as them using your feelings against you. They might make you feel guilty or sad to get you or your spouse to do what they want. It’s like they’re playing with your emotions.

14. They show competitiveness

It’s like they see life as a big competition, and they want to win your spouse’s attention or love. They might try to outdo you or make you feel like you’re always in a race with them.

15. They sabotage special moments

Imagine planning a romantic dinner or a family celebration, and they purposely do things to ruin it. It’s hurtful because those moments are supposed to be joyful, but they try to make them unpleasant.

How to handle toxic in-laws

Distancing yourself from in-laws who are toxic in nature is not an easy task.

When you are at a loss when it comes to how to deal with toxic in-laws, there are a number of things that you can keep in mind. One is that you must be a united front with your partner. 

When your relationship is solid and strong enough not to let anyone come between it, including either your parents or theirs, it may not matter much what your in-laws think of you.

Something else to remember is that you should try your best to maintain a certain level of respect for your in-laws, even when they don’t treat you nicely. It will only reflect your high morals. 

For one, this will keep you from doing something you may regret in the long run, it can prevent an argument from happening with your spouse, and it will make the treatment you are receiving from your in-laws unfounded.

When you have done nothing to disrespect or upset your in-laws, you can be confident that their toxic behavior is not due to anything you did.

Ways to protect your marriage from toxic in-laws

There are a few ways you can protect your marriage from in-laws that are toxic. These can help you learn more about how to deal with disrespectful in-laws.

First you must make sure that you have boundaries in your relationship and in your home. 

Both you and your spouse need to make sure that your in-laws know what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and abide by the rules that are in place.

It may also be helpful to let your partner deal with their parents if they are disrespectful to you. When your in-laws don’t have to talk to you or see you directly, this can prevent them from being able to act rudely towards you or hurt your feelings.

You should always have your spouse’s back, and they should have yours. After all, you are the only two people in the relationship. Everyone else must understand this and act accordingly.

Together you can opt to see a therapist to help strengthen your relationship and help you be able to communicate effectively. 

For more thoughts on strengthening your marriage, watch this video: 

Commonly asked questions

In-laws form an important aspect of our married life, and the kind of bond we share with them plays a crucial role in our overall satisfaction. Here are a few more queries on the issue

• How do toxic in-laws behave?

When in-laws behave in a toxic manner, this means they will likely try to control your relationship, insert themselves in all aspects of your life, treat you poorly, and become upset when you don’t want to listen to their advice or don’t drop what you are doing to cater to their needs. 

At times, they may act hurtful or childish towards you, even offering silent treatment if you don’t respond in a way that they approve of.

• How do you tell if your in-laws don’t like you?

If you are trying to determine if your in-laws like you, pay attention to how they act when no one else is around. 

When they are nice and loving in a crowd but are rude to you when it is just you and them, there is a good chance that they don’t like you. In some cases, in-laws will make it plain that they don’t like you and they don’t approve of your relationship with their child.

• How do you distance yourself from in-laws?

Anytime you are interested in distancing yourself from your in-laws, you should allow your spouse to handle much of the communication with them. Together you should also establish boundaries with your in-laws so they know where the lines are drawn. 

Perhaps it isn’t unusual for your mother-in-law to come over during dinner and bring food even though she knows that you provide healthy meals for your family. 

It may be necessary to ask her to provide notice in advance if she wants to bring food over or schedule a last-minute visit.

• How do you get rid of in-laws’ interference?

Once you feel like your in-laws are interfering too much in your life and relationship, you must talk to your spouse about how you feel. Be honest but kind when you talk about their parents and tell them what you have experienced. 

Together you may be able to come up with a plan to establish rules for interacting with your in-laws. 

Again, it is important to remember that you and your partner are a married couple, and it isn’t up to anyone else to tell you how to live your life or make decisions you didn’t ask them to make.

• Can toxic in-laws cause divorce?

It is possible that in-laws issues may be a factor in a divorce, but this isn’t likely to be the only cause. 

However, one of the most common reasons couples get divorced is due to arguing or not being able to get along, which could become an issue when toxic in-laws are affecting your marriage. 

Do your best to talk to your spouse about how your in-laws are making you feel, and don’t hide these things from your partner.

Even if they don’t agree, you should be able to determine how to lessen the effects that you are feeling. 

This could mean spending less time with your in-laws or allowing your mate to spend time with them without you. Together, you can decide what changes should be made.

Keeping the toxicity away

Toxic in-laws are something that you may have to deal with, no matter how much of a good match you are with your spouse. Sometimes, parents are unable to let their baby grow up and, in turn, want to control their life and relationship well into adulthood.

This list above explains some ways you can tell if your in-laws are toxic and if these ring true in your life. There is also advice on what to do if you are affected by in-laws that don’t like you.

One of the best things to do if you have in-laws who are disrespectful is to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to enacting rules and boundaries that others in your life, including your in-laws, need to abide by.

You can also work with a therapist for additional help and guidance and to strengthen your communication and marriage.