When Is Divorce the Right Answer? 20 Questions to Ask

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Many people want to get married to their dream partner, probably have children, and build a lovely home. However, it doesn’t pan out as planned every time. Sometimes, a marriage might no longer bring joy, and both parties may want to separate permanently.

If you and your partner are at crossroads in your marriage and you are wondering when is divorce the right answer, this article is for you. In this piece, you will see some common yet vital questions that you need to answer, which will reveal if divorce is the next step for you or not.

20 questions couples should ask before divorce

When it comes to relationships, one of the most painful phases that couples may have to go through is the point of divorce. Some of them may ask when is divorce the right answer because it is not always the right solution. 

Hence, if you are about to part ways with your partner, there are some questions you need to ask that will guide you on how to know if divorce is right.

1. Do you try to solve each conflict in your marriage?

This question aims to determine your intent to settle conflicts between you and your partner.

According to Dionne Eleanor Reid, an experienced transformational coach:

Every conflict is an opportunity to grow together.       

If both of you have been looking for the perfect solution to each conflict, then it might be an impossible mission because such a nature of solutions doesn’t exist. However, what partners can do is learn how to manage conflicts respectfully without hurting each other.  

Related Reading: 7 Causes for Conflict in Marriage and How to Resolve Them

2. Do you take the blame for contributing to the problems in the marriage?

Another important divorce question to ask is if you take responsibility for some of the problems in the marriage. In many marriages, couples would hardly want to admit their fault in conflict. Rather, they would prefer to blame each other instead of tackling the issue on the ground.

If you take a more constructive approach when addressing the problems in the marriage, you may discover that your partner might not be at fault sometimes.

3. Do you know the constituents of a healthy marriage?

Before you go ahead with the separation process, you need to know when is divorce the right answer. One of the ways to be sure is if you know what a healthy marriage constitutes. 

For instance, if you’ve always seen your spouse as a competitor instead of an ally, it might be one of the reasons why you have an unhealthy approach to conflicts in your home.

4. Do you feel safe in your marriage?

While you and your partner are still deciding on divorce, one important question is if you feel safe in your marriage. 

If your partner is physically abusive and refuses to change, it might be a good reason to file for divorce. The same applies to emotional abuse because even though it does not leave physical marks, it affects the mind, heart, and soul.

5. Can you handle the long-term financial challenges after the divorce?

When some people get divorced, they usually struggle financially for a long time, which usually happens because they are unprepared. Sometimes, the challenge of paying bills and eventually building wealth becomes harder when couples are apart.

Dionne Eleanor Reid highlights that:

Readiness for divorce is not just about money; it’s about emotional capacity, creativity, resilience, and financial planning.

Therefore, before you and your partner go ahead with the divorce, you need to be sure that you’re ready for the financial challenges that may occur in the long term.

6. Can you manage the physical and mental stress of divorce?

Not everyone knows that going through the divorce process is not a walk in the park. You and your partner must be sure you can endure divorce’s physical and mental stress. 

For instance, will you remain productive at work during the divorce? Will you be able to maintain other relationships while attending to other important aspects of your life?

Related Reading: 5 Ways Stress and Sex Are Connected to Each Other

7. Do you and your partner communicate respectfully?

Regarding discussion questions about divorce, one of the important questions to ask is if you and your spouse have learned how to communicate healthily and respectfully. 

If you and your partner find it difficult to communicate with each other without going through an emotional rollercoaster period, then something is wrong with your marriage dynamics. You and your partner may need to learn how to understand each other’s feelings.

8. Are you tired of trying in your marriage?

Finding out if both of you are tired of making it work in the marriage is another important question to ask if you’re considering a divorce. Do you feel that the two of you can no longer make the marriage work because you’ve tried everything? 

You and your partner need to list the different aspects of your marriage where you struggle and see if you can keep trying to work things out.

Dionne Eleanor Reid adds that:

Exhaustion in a marriage doesn’t mean the end; it’s a signal to pause, perhaps reassess & create some rituals/routines.

9. Are external issues making you unhappy in your marriage?

Sometimes, one of the reasons why people may file for divorce is when they face issues outside their marriage, and they allow it to affect their relationship with their spouse. 

If you are experiencing external issues, you might need to discuss them with your partner so they know what you’re going through.

Related Reading: 15 Causes Of An Unhappy Marriage & How to Solve it

10. Do you believe that your marriage can still be saved?

Some couples might want to divorce because they feel it is a norm and marriages don’t last. However, you should note that no two marriages can be the same.

Relationship & empowerment mentor Dionne Eleanor mentions:

The possibility of saving a marriage lies within the willingness to learn, listen & heal, not the number of years spent together or not.

Therefore, because people are considering divorce as their best option does not mean that you and your partner should go through the same process.

11. How would divorce impact your children?

If you and your spouse have children, this is one factor to consider critically before filing for a divorce. You need to know that going for divorce will likely affect your children differently. Hence, you need to consider the impact of divorce on your children before deciding. 

Knowing that the divorce process might be overwhelming for your children, you and your spouse must be sure you’re making the right decision.

To learn more about how divorce affects children, read this research by Ubong Eyo titled Divorce: Causes and Effects on Children. This study reveals how children are one of the most affected when a divorce occurs. 

12. Have you considered marriage therapy?

Before you and your spouse put pen to paper regarding a divorce, consider going for marriage therapy before making that decision. 

With marriage therapy, you and your partner can uncover the root cause of problems threatening to tear your marriage apart. You may also receive some vital intervention tips that could save your marriage.

13. Will you be happy after the divorce?

When you and your partner decide to get divorced and get it done, there are two possible realities; you may either be happy or sad with the decision. 

To know when is divorce the right answer, you and your spouse need to be sure of your true emotions after the deed has been done. To avoid being depressed and moody, amongst other negative emotions, you might have to rethink your decision.

14. Do you both feel loved and accepted

If you and your partner are wondering when is divorce the right answer, one of the questions to ask is if you feel loved and accepted. 

Your partner might claim they love you, but you may not feel the emotional connection and chemistry. You must ask your partner if they feel loved and accepted and check within yourself if you feel the same way.

15. Does our sex life satisfy you?

One of the common reasons why some couples may opt for a divorce is when they are not satisfied with their sex life, and one party goes ahead to cheat on the other. 

Hence, when considering questions like when is divorce the right answer, you need to confirm if both of you are cool with the sex life of the union.

16. Have you considered being with another person?

Some partners might want a divorce when they want to be with another person. If your partner is considering filing for a divorce, you can ask them if another person is in the picture. The same advice also applies to you, as you should let your partner know if you have considered dating someone else.

17. Do you still want to work on our marriage?

To know when is divorce the right answer, you can confirm with your partner if they are still interested in making the marriage work. 

If their answer is affirmative, it is a good sign, and you can nip the divorce idea in the bud. However, if they tell you they are no longer interested, you might consider the divorce option.

Related Reading: 6 Tips for Making Your Marriage Work Through Life’s Challenges

18. Do we have plans for the future?

If couples in a marriage are thinking of a divorce, then all their plans for the future might not materialize as planned. 

You can ask your partner if they are still interested in making plans for the future as spouses. Also, you need to ask yourself if you still want to work on some plans with your partner in the future.

19. Have we exhausted all our options?

When you feel like you have tried everything, and you’re still wondering when is divorce the right answer, you can ask them if all the options have been exhausted. 

If you ask your partner this question, it shows that you are still interested in making things work, and if they have something else in mind, they might voice it out.

20. Will our family and friends support our decision?

Even though marriage might be between two or more people, family and friends have an important secondary role to play. 

You and your partner must ask each other if your family and friends will be comfortable with your decision. If you’ve not informed any of them yet, talk to them and hear their opinion on going ahead with the divorce.

If you’re considering whether a divorce is the right option for you, and there are some factors you are still considering, read this book by Susan Pease Gadoua titled Contemplating Divorce. This book is a step-by-step guide to deciding if to stay or go. 

Related Reading: How to Find the Right Mix Between Marriage & Friendship?

How do you know divorce is right? Or is there hope?

If the thought of having a divorce has crossed your mind, you may be skeptical if it’s the right choice. This is why some couples may ask questions like is divorce the right decision. 

One of the ways to tell is if you daydream about dating someone else or enjoying your single life. It suggests you’re tired of the marriage so a divorce might be a good option.

Regarding questions like is divorce the answer, you can be sure if you’re doing the right thing or not using respect and trust as the yardstick. If you don’t respect and trust your partner like you used to, divorce may be ideal for you.

In this study by Shelby B. Scott and other authors, you will learn the common reasons why people seek divorce. This research is titled Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention, and it is based on interviews with 52 people who have gone through the divorce process. 

Watch this video to learn more about the science and power of hope:

When is divorce the right answer?

You can tell if divorce is the right answer when you and your partner find it hard to be around each other. 

Also, if you think of your marriage and it makes you sad and begin to nurse regrets for getting married in the first place, then a divorce could be one of the options to explore.

Some commonly asked questions

Here are the answers to some commonly asked questions about divorce that can help you understand whether this is the right step for you:

• What not to do before you get divorced?

Before you get divorced, avoid confiding in your kids. This is important so that they won’t take sides. Additionally, remember that before the divorce, you still need to carry out some of your responsibilities as a partner.

• What do you lose in a divorce?

The question of when is divorce the right answer may be understood better when you discover what you are likely to lose when you go ahead with the separation process. You will most likely lose the following: Time with your children, shared history, friends, money, etc.

Final takeaway

If you and your partner are wondering when is divorce the right answer, both of you might need to think it through and be sure that you are making the right decisions.

Coach Dionne Eleanor points out:

Remember, in relationship transitions, true support doesn’t always come from family or friends, but from supporting yourself by learning to understand what’s best for your peace and perhaps opening your heart to professionals and good friends.

When you carefully answer the questions about divorce in this article, you may be able to tell if a divorce is what you and your spouse need. You can consider going for marital counseling if you and your partner want to improve your relationship.