For couples, married life can become monotonous after a number of years, and it isn’t long before many couples resign themselves to complacency. If you’re married, you might at times feel that you lead a mundane lifestyle, and like many other couples, you may have asked yourself where all the passion in your marriage has gone. Yet, you know that it’s not lurking beneath the couch cushions, nor did you lose it at the honeymoon suite. These feelings you experience are just the natural result of settling into the familiar.
In our world, people work hard and are tired at the end of the day. A couple’s desire for affection and intimacy may start to wane, and many past-times may be long forgotten. Although you may be thinking of what your partner should be doing (or not doing) to help, for now, you need to open your heart, and your mind; and be ready to focus on you.
Whether you’ve been married for three years or thirty, you may find the following tips useful to increase romance in your marriage.
Speaking love’s language
There are several books out on the Language of Love, most of them, are based on a similar philosophy. That philosophy holds the premise that women and men speak different languages, as a metaphor for the differences in our communication.
Sometimes it is necessary to remind ourselves that males and females do indeed communicate differently, based on cultural norms and socialization. We may also need to learn, remember, or re-apply, the appropriate translation of our partner’s gestures and words. We need to absorb the true meaning behind his or her actions, instead of jumping to conclusions by internalizing the wrong ones.
Taking your partner’s words to a negative place can harm the relationship. Not only will your partner be frustrated at your misunderstanding, but he or she will be apprehensive to communicate in the future; creating a whole new set of problems altogether. Each set of unresolved communication pitfalls can easily lend toward the manufacturing of further problems, which will stack up, damaging the relationship heavily over time.
A married writer was researching topics around “rekindling passion”, as she and her husband had not been happy in recent months. While at her computer, she read about the Language of Love and suddenly became inspired with an idea. Her husband was up in a tree in the backyard with a power saw, trimming overgrown branches. At first glance she thought him childish, annoyed at his being in the tree and making a big mess, for what seemed to her, no real reason. But today, she stopped herself from that initial reaction and thought about him a different way instead.
Though he may have enjoyed climbing the tree, and using the power saw, he really was removing branches that were covering the rooftop and window on the house. Seeing this as valuable, she just watched him for a few moments, somewhat adoringly, and she softened. Imagining the man she fell in love with, she remembered how silly he was, and back then, that childlike side was a turn on to her, an aspect of his personality she had found simply adorable.
She suddenly realized that he hadn’t changed much at all, but in fact she had. Still inspired, she returned to her computer and wrote a five minute poem about her husband, incorporating her epiphany about seeing him in the tree. She sent the poem to him that night in an email. The poem mentioned how he looked to her in the tree that morning, and what a wonderful job he had done in the yard. She was surprised at his feedback when he said “Honey, this is a beautiful poem. I guess you really know me. You see things in me that I don’t see”. His response melted her heart. One small tweak in her perspective, and she was back in love.
Often, we start to slack in our efforts and we also take our partners for granted. A lack of appreciation for your partner may tend to worsen over time, and the lazier we become with our communication, the worse things get.
For example, you might remember a time when you were first dating; your husband performed certain kind gestures. Maybe he washed your car, or picked up dinner, or gave you a gift. It doesn’t matter what it was, the point is that today, little gestures may not mean so much. Why? Because before you took your mate for granted, you appreciated these little things – you took notice, and looked for the deeper meanings behind things. Washing your car on Sunday afternoon may be his way of saying “I love you”.
Look deeper into all actions and communication, for the hidden meanings, and remember why you fell in love. Remember to state your appreciation, and above all, be able to understand their language. You can even ask for clarification from your partner if you need it. Your partner will notice and will appreciate the subtle change in your behavior, and he may open up to you again as mutual respect is re-balanced.
Keep negativity away
Sarcasm, negativity, and dark emotional states can really bring a relationship down. Is your negative feedback, outlook, perspective, or feelings ruling the roost? Does your wife ever say you are “just so negative?” If so, you may be inclined to shrug her off; but this time, try listening to her instead. After all, maybe you are more negative than you used to be. Maybe things would go your way more of the time if you used some positive affirmations. Correcting your negative tendencies, consciously replacing them with positive ones, can cause the rest of you to follow suit, and your overall outlook just may improve.
People are drawn to those with whom are highly positive, and they are turned off by those that are negative. Your positivity will be contagious and hopefully infect your partner, too.