How to Get to Know Your Partner Better: 17 Effective Ways

How often do we bring our attention to subconscious thinking patterns and actions when communicating or responding to those we have a relationship with? We all wish to know our partner so that our relationship can be enriched and enhanced further.

However, how to get to know your partner better is a question that can have various answers. When misunderstandings can be a significant reason for the conflicts and stress between couples, it becomes essential for you to learn how to connect better with your partner.

Here, we will look at what understanding your partner means and how you can take steps to understand your partner better.

Meaning of understanding your partner

To be understanding of your partner can mean knowing what they mean and what their intentions are without asking them about it. It is a subconscious knowledge that one may develop about one’s partner’s behavioral patterns and thoughts.

For example, John and Sarah have been married for 10 years. John had always been a reserved individual, while Sarah was more expressive. 

Over time, Sarah learned to pick up on subtle cues in John’s body language and tone of voice, allowing her to understand his moods and emotions even when he didn’t explicitly communicate them. This deep understanding helped them navigate challenges in their relationship more effectively.

There are fewer chances of misunderstandings and miscommunications if you’ve learned how to get to know your partner better. You might be able to get what they want to say, even when they cannot say that to you exactly.

One gesture, expression, or word from your partner can reveal their intentions and responses if you have taken the time to get to know each other better.

Why is it important to understand your partner

A marriage can continue to stay healthy and happy if there is a beneficial understanding between the couple about each other and the expectations that they have from each other.

If a couple lacks interpersonal understanding in a relationship, there are significant chances they may get into conflicts due to misunderstandings and wrong assumptions about each other. Fewer conflicts and an enhanced understanding of each other could make for a healthier and happier marriage.

Research into couples’ dynamics shows that understanding one’s partner is integral to a strong relationship between two people. It includes awareness of each other’s personal backgrounds and different expectations from marriage. A greater understanding of spouses’ experiences and limitations promotes healthier relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness in marital communication.

Partners need to feel understood by each other to feel bonded with each other. They want to feel valued, heard, and seen by their partner. And that, in turn, can enhance the happiness both partners experience within the marriage.

How to get to know your partner better in 17 steps

Usually, understanding your partner is laced with romance and inexplicable chemistry. However, understanding is something that you can develop over time. If you are a willing and open partner, you might be able to understand your partner’s perspective easily.

Learning ways to understand your partner better can require a little effort and careful consideration. Try out the steps mentioned below, and you may watch your relationship transform beautifully:

1. First, understand yourself

It is imperative that you first have a proper understanding of your own emotions, intentions, and biases. These come together to influence your understanding of everything and everyone around you.

Once you know yourself, you can better gauge your partner’s behavior and feelings after separating your bias from the situation. It may also help you draw parallels between your partner’s behavior and yours and thus be more understanding toward them.

2. Use “I” statements

A helpful tool and habit that can teach you how to understand your partner is “I” statements. Sentences that start with the word “you” can be geared toward accusing your partner, like, “You are mean.” 

‘I statements’ or sentences that start with the word “I” can convey your experience and emotions without utilizing a language of blame and accusations. These statements may not make your partner feel cornered and thus defensive.

Research shows that I statements are valuable tools in conflict resolution and can help people remain open to understanding each other’s perspectives more readily. 

3. Make it a priority

Understanding your spouse or partner is not an all-or-nothing situation or something you innately possess. You can develop this skill over time if you have the proper mindset.

Make understanding your partner a priority for you, as this might be the only way you may learn how to get to know your partner better. You need to consciously work toward developing an understanding of your partner and not wait for the magic to happen on its own.

4. Notice body language cues

Did you see that shrug? Did you see that grimace? Did you see them take a deep breath? These cues can be vital in understanding how to get to know your partner better.

Body language and physical cues can reveal much about how a person feels in response to particular situations, actions, or words. If you start reading your partner’s body language, you may develop a subconscious understanding of their responses and thoughts.

You may notice a pattern in their behavior or recognize their true feelings regarding certain things. These observations can help teach you how to be better for your partner.

5. Ask questions about their childhood

Our childhood influences our personality in a significant way. It can shape one’s personality and inform their understanding of their surroundings. 

Learning how to be a better partner in a relationship can require gaining an insight into your partner’s past, as they can reveal key information about the formative things in their childhood that they carry with them now.

You can better understand their motivations and responses by asking questions or remembering things they have mentioned about their past. You can tell if a traumatic experience from their childhood is the reason for their outburst or isolation.

6. Show your appreciation

Learning how to be more understanding can be easier if your partner has their guard down around you so that you can know their true feelings, motivations, and impulses.

Research shows that expressing gratitude can improve relationship satisfaction. And once people are happier in their relationships, they might feel more comfortable letting their guard down.

If you show your appreciation and love for your partner, they are more likely to open up to you about themselves and not try to hide their feelings around you. Compliments can show them you value them, making them feel accepted and comfortable to open up.

7. Learn their communication style

Everyone has a different communication style based on their culture, personality, and experiences. Some people communicate using words directly by saying exactly how they feel, and others do this using indirect communication.

Some people feel awkward talking about themselves, so they may use their actions or gestures to convey their feelings. Take note of your partner’s unique communication methods to better your partner’s understanding.

8. Step away

Fighting is not communicating. It can be normal for all couples to have disagreements and fights; however, these can be counterproductive if you don’t have the right approach. Sometimes, walking away from a fight may help you better understand your partner’s perspective. 

Instead of hurling accusations at each other, breathe and walk away. Give yourself the chance to reflect on your partner’s words and actions. Reflecting on things may help you understand each other better.

9. Accept follies and mistakes

The only way to understand your partner is to be open and honest with each other. A big part of this is accepting your mistakes and taking responsibility for your actions, as they may affect your partner’s behavior toward you.

Your vulnerability and accountability can make your partner feel safe in your presence. They might feel less judged and hence may open up more readily. Learning how to get to know your partner better can require giving them a chance to understand you as well.

10. Get to know their loved ones

Loved ones play an important role in not only the shaping of a person but also in informing their responses. They are a window into who your partner is, so get to know them. 

Allow for trust to build between you and your partner’s loved ones. They may be able to share details about your partner that you may not have noticed, or they can simply act as embodiments of what kind of people your partner values.

11. Ask them about their needs and desires

Guesswork can be fun, but it can also be frustrating. So, instead of trying to guess what your partner needs, go ahead and ask them.

People’s needs and desires are shaped by who they are and what they value. Therefore, you can learn how to understand your partner by directly asking them about their needs. It can let them know that you care while simultaneously giving you a clear picture of who your partner is.

12. Be the support

Tough times reveal key aspects of a person’s personality and coping mechanisms. So, extend your kind support when your partner is going through a tough time.

Support can ensure that your partner can trust you, and during tough times, they may be comfortable revealing how they feel and why. This can help you figure out how to understand your partner better.

13. Respect their boundaries

Only if your partner is open around you, you might be able to understand them. A big part you can play in ensuring this happens is respecting their personal boundaries.

If you violate your partner’s boundaries, they are much more likely to become hostile or cold toward you. They might have raised their defenses around you to protect their space, which can make understanding them extremely difficult.

Try to respect your partner’s boundaries and personal space. By doing this, you can make your partner trust you and thus open up to you at their own pace.

14. Be present

Busy with work? Lost in your thoughts? Be present around your partner, as this may allow you to notice things about your partner. You may miss their feelings or a change in them if you don’t take a moment to notice them.

Being present can let you learn how to get to know your partner better, as this might also let them know that you are essential to them. They may open up more readily and allow you to understand them better.

15. Share new experiences together

Exploring new activities or hobbies together can deepen your connection and provide fresh insights into your partner’s personality. 

Whether trying new cuisine, taking up a dance class, or embarking on a weekend getaway, shared experiences can reveal different facets of your partner’s likes, dislikes, and how they handle unfamiliar situations. These moments can encourage bonding and enhance your understanding of each other.

16. Practice active listening

Effective communication is at the core of understanding your partner. Active listening involves hearing their words and paying attention to their tone, body language, and emotions.

For example, Lisa and David were facing communication issues. David often felt unheard when he shared his work-related stress with Lisa. One day, Lisa decided to practice active listening. 

She put away her phone, made eye contact, and asked open-ended questions about David’s day. This simple change in her approach made David feel valued and understood, ultimately strengthening their bond.

Show genuine interest in their words, ask clarifying questions, and avoid interrupting. By actively listening, you might gain deeper insights into their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, contributing to a more profound understanding of your partner’s perspective.

Watch coach Adrian, a relationship expert, as he explains how you can enhance communication in your relationship:

17. Consult a specialist

Sometimes, any work is done best with the help of a specialist. If you find it challenging to understand your partner, you can consult a therapist. They can give you helpful tools to address your problem and facilitate understanding between your partner and yourself.

Commonly asked questions

Understanding and knowing your partner better is a long journey that may require constant learning and corrections. Following are answers to some questions that may help you learn more about understanding your partner’s emotions and actions:

• What are effective ways to show empathy toward your partner?

Empathy is crucial in any relationship. To show empathy toward your partner, actively listen to their feelings, validate their emotions, and offer support. Express affection, provide comfort when needed, and engage in open, non-judgmental conversations. Empathizing with their experiences can strengthen emotional bonds and promote understanding.

• Is it essential to understand my partner’s love language?

Understanding your partner’s love language can be vital. It may help you express love in ways that resonate with them, enhancing emotional connection. 

Knowing if they prefer words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, or physical touch can enable you to meet their emotional needs more effectively, resulting in a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

• Is it essential to understand each other’s values and beliefs?

Understanding each other’s values and beliefs can be paramount for a healthy relationship. Shared values can create a strong foundation and align your goals. Differences can be navigated with empathy and compromise. This understanding can nurture mutual respect, reduce conflicts, and support long-term harmony and compatibility.

Final thoughts

Though it may take extra work to understand your partner’s feelings, actions, and reactions, incorporating the steps mentioned above can improve the connection between you and your partner. 

You have to create an environment of openness and make a conscious effort to learn more about your partner. Instead of waiting for an intuitive understanding to develop, take matters into your own hands.

To learn how to get to know your partner better, take the time to continue learning about your partner to facilitate healing and growth in your relationship.

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Kelly Baker Counselor

I'm Kelly Baker, MS, LPC, a licensed therapist based in Marlton, New Jersey. My passion is to guide others to overcome life's challenges. I began my professional career by studying clinical psychology at DeSales University, where I worked with children at Jersey Shore Medical Hospital at their... Read more Behavioral Health Outpatient Program. I continued my education by earning a Masters at Manhattan College in their Mental Health Counseling Program. While there, I worked in counseling at the Bronx School of Law, Government, and Justice and VIP Services in New York. I was also given the opportunity to participate in a group relations conference at the Tavistock Clinic in London, UK, furthering my skill set in group processing and facilitation. Read less

(Kelly Baker is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Marlton)