How to Stop Overreacting in a Relationship & Cope Healthily

Listen to this article

Dealing with someone who overreacts to almost everything can be challenging. You have no idea what you’ve done that was so horrible to make your partner react that way. It’s even harder to see that sometimes you might be the one who’s overreacting when your emotions are flying high. 

Do you tend to blow things out of proportion every time you have a disagreement with your partner? If you’ve said yes to it, it can do lasting damage to your relationship. How do you know that you’re overreacting, and more importantly, how to stop overreacting in a relationship? 

Keep reading to understand why you may be overreacting and know the signs so that you can stop overreacting and have a happy and healthy relationship. 

5 signs you are overreacting in a relationship

Wondering how to know if you’re overreacting in a relationship? Pay attention to these key signs to know for sure.

1. You’re struggling to control your emotions

If you’re asking yourself, ‘Am I overreacting in a relationship?’ check if you’re feeling overly emotional. If you have no control over the way you’re talking or dealing with your partner, you might be overreacting. 

2. You’re feeling irritable and on edge

Whatever your partner says or does seems to make you feel like blowing up at them. There’s nothing that seems to make you calm down at the moment.

3. You’re making a big deal out of almost everything

You can feel that you’re getting angry over small things but can’t seem to stop doing that. You get upset over things you usually wouldn’t. 

4. You feel like your partner is being insensitive

You start to feel like your partner is invalidating and dismissing your feelings instead of listening to you. You may feel your partner is against you and start assuming the worst.

5. You’re experiencing bodily sensations

Your heart rate might increase, and you might start to feel tightness in your chest. You might also feel flushed and start to have headaches and/or stomach pain.

Examples of overreacting

Let’s look at some examples of overreacting in a relationship to understand overreacting clearly:

• Crying hysterically and yelling at your partner without giving them a chance to explain
• Difficulty seeing partner’s point of view and dismissing their feelings
• Feeling disconnected from the present moment and not being able to accept reality
• Calling your partner names or screaming at them
• Completely shutting down

10 causes of overreactions in a relationship

To figure out how to stop overreacting in a relationship, you first need to know what causes overreaction in the first place. 

1. Feeling disrespected

Often, an overreacting girlfriend or overreacting boyfriend is someone who’s feeling disrespected by their partner for some reason. 

2. Dealing with illness and pain

Your partner may show signs of overreacting if they’ve been dealing with chronic health issues. 

3. Making assumptions

Not being able to communicate effectively makes people assume instead of knowing their partner’s intentions. It can make a person overreact to their partner for misunderstanding and blaming them.

4. One or both partners are HSP(highly sensitive person)

A highly sensitive person can feel overwhelmed when dealing with relationship issues that can make them overreact to their partner. 

5. When partners are contemptuous of each other

Disregarding a partner’s thoughts or opinions while constantly criticizing them can cause a strong emotional reaction in a relationship.

6. Lack of effective communication

If you are looking for signs you’re overreacting in a relationship, try to observe whether you pay enough attention to your partner when they talk or try to understand their perspective. 

If partners don’t know each other’s feelings and expectations due to poor communication, they might be prone to overreaction.

7. Not knowing each other’s love language

If you feel like your wife or husband overreacts to everything, check if you’re speaking her love language and meeting her emotional needs.

8. One or both partners are stressed 

People may struggle to act rationally and overreact when they’re under a lot of stress.

9. Mental health disorders 

If you or your partner suffers from an anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or any other cognitive distortions can make it harder to control your emotions. 

10. Needs are not adequately met

When someone’s hungry and sleep-deprived, as their basic human needs(food and rest ) aren’t met, they may struggle to function rationally, and it can make them overreact to their partner. The same holds true for someone feeling lonely and unloved in a relationship.

How to stop overreacting in a relationship: 10 steps

Here are some effective coping strategies for calming your emotions and preventing overreacting in a relationship.   

1. Identify your emotional triggers

You may have emotional triggers responsible for stimulating a strong emotional response even when it’s totally unwarranted. A trigger can be anything from certain people, memories, places, specific words, tone of voice, and even smells.

According to the psychologist Silvana Mici:

As a therapist, my advice is that when you feel yourself starting to overreact, pause and take a deep breath. Try to distance yourself from the situation emotionally and assess the situation more objectively. 

Ask yourself if the reaction is proportionate to the situation, and consider alternative ways to respond calmly.

You might feel triggered by your partner’s word choice, actions, or tone. For instance, you may not like when your spouse cuts you off and doesn’t let you finish what you are saying. It might make you feel hurt and dismissed.

This behavior may trigger your overreaction, and you might find yourself yelling at them so that you can feel heard. Once you figure out the source of your strong and intense response, you may start to manage it effectively instead of lashing out.

2. Use ‘I-statements’ instead of ‘You-statements’

If it’s your partner’s defensiveness that gets you all worked up, don’t encourage their defensiveness by saying things like,’ you always…, or you never…’. Stick to statements like, ‘I need…, or I’m feeling…’ while you share your feelings and thoughts in a calm manner.

Yelling or screaming at your partner will only put them on the defensive, and they won’t be able to focus on your feelings. They might get occupied protecting themselves from your anger. That will only add to your frustration and feeling of invalidation.  

3. Improve your communication skills

Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts without hurting each other. But during a heated conversation, both you and your partner may hear things differently than what was said. Probably, your partner simply asked you if you had watered the plants today.

But, you probably started to get all defensive as you heard them accusing you of not doing enough around the house and started complaining that they never water the plants and never help you with anything. 

This incident had little to do with your partner’s tone of voice but everything to do with how you see yourself and hold yourself to impossible standards. That’s why it’s essential to give your partner a chance to explain or rephrase the criticism you heard in their tone of voice.

It may take a lot of practice, but you might learn to talk to your partner about what’s bothering you over time instead of flying off the handle. The key is to have a conversation instead of an argument. 

4. Take a time-out

When you’re upset and can’t think clearly, your relationship might benefit from taking a time-out. Take some time to disengage from the fight and tell your partner that you plan to reconvene the discussion once you’ve calmed down.

Psychologist and certified coach Silvana further explains:

Learning to regulate your emotions can greatly improve your mental well-being. When faced with a challenging situation, take a moment to pause and reflect before reacting. This can help you respond in a more balanced and constructive way.

Leave the room and try to get some perspective. Ask yourself if what’s bothering you will matter to you in a few days, months, or years. What if you’re just hungry, sleep-deprived, or had a bad day? Do you want to put your relationship in jeopardy due to your overreaction?

Taking a time-out and removing yourself from the situation is an effective strategy to prevent overreaction and resolve conflict in a relationship.  

5. Make self-care a priority

Sleep deprivation, hunger, and illness can compromise our ability to control how we react to triggers. If you feel yourself getting all worked up over minor issues, check in with yourself first and see what you’d need to fulfill your basic needs.

If you’ve skipped a meal or didn’t get enough sleep last night, you’re more likely to snap at your partner at the slightest provocation. That’s why you need to make sure to sleep well and take some time out of your schedule to relax and recharge your mind. 

Also, eating regular meals is crucial as blood sugar fluctuations caused by starvation can make you irritable and angry. You need to figure out the reason behind your strong emotional response so that you don’t end up overreacting to your partner.

6. Avoid making assumptions

Are you wondering how to deal with an overreacting husband or wife? Try to avoid making premature assumptions. 

None of us can read our partner’s mind, and that’s why you need to ask your partner for clarification instead of thinking that your presumptions are the facts. Chances are your partner wasn’t implying what you thought they did, and you might have overreacted over nothing.

When you make an assumption and overreact based on that, your partner may feel attacked and start overreacting as well. It’s best to give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell you what they actually meant to say or do. 

7. Don’t bottle up strong feelings

Do you tend to suppress your feelings and later blow up at your partner when you can’t hold them in anymore? 

When you don’t address relationship issues head-on, they keep piling up, and your negative emotions only get stronger. That’s why it’s a good idea to talk to your partner about what is bothering you, no matter how uncomfortable that feels. 

8. Be empathetic

Be compassionate to yourself and your partner when you’re working on controlling overreacting in a relationship. Stop expecting your partner to solve all your problems and take responsibility for your role in the relationship.

So, how to not overreact in a relationship?

Set realistic expectations for your partner, and don’t project your problems onto them to avoid working on yourself. Perfectionism can make you overreact to your partner when they can’t live up to your expectations.

Try to see things from your partner’s point of view. Once you take a step back and put yourself in your partner’s shoes, whatever it is that they’ve done to generate your reaction will start to make sense. 

9. Take deep breaths

When you find yourself getting all worked up over something, take a minute to breathe and calm yourself before you respond in a way that you’d end up regretting later. When you get angry and start shallow breathing or upper-chest breathing, it triggers your body’s fight-or-flight response.

Your body believes that you’re in some kind of danger and need to fight or run away. It’s only natural for you to respond with heightened emotion at a time like that. To stop overreacting during that time, try deep breathing to calm your nervous system. 

There are many breathing exercises that you can try to manage stress and catch yourself before you start overreacting again. 

Watch this video to learn from Dr. Ali Mattu how to do deep breathing in a way that benefits your health and relationships:

10. Seek professional help

If your overreaction has started to affect your relationship, it’s time to get help from a licensed therapist. If you have pre-existing mental health problems like anxiety disorder, a therapist can help you find more effective ways to cope instead of overreacting.

They can help you understand the root causes of your intense emotional response so that you can control them more effectively. With professional help, you might be able to break the bad relationship habits that have been holding you back from having the relationship of your dreams.

Not only can a professional therapist help you develop better cognitive and emotional skills, but they can also offer you guidance to deal with relationship issues and help you process your emotions in a healthy way.

FAQs

Effective communication and emotional regulation are crucial in maintaining healthy relationships. Here are brief insights into key aspects:

• How to identify your overreaction triggers?

To identify your overreaction triggers, reflect on past emotional responses. Note patterns of heightened reactions and explore the underlying factors contributing to your emotional responses.

• How to take a step back and calm down?

When emotions run high, take a step back to calm down. Practice deep breathing mindfulness or engage in a physical activity. Creating distance allows for a clearer perspective before responding.

• How to communicate your needs and feelings effectively?

Effective communication involves expressing needs and feelings clearly and assertively. Use “I” statements, actively listen, and choose an appropriate time to discuss concerns. Foster an open dialogue for mutual understanding.

• How to forgive yourself and your partner?

To forgive if you or your partner overreact to everything, acknowledge mistakes, and take responsibility for your actions. Understand that everyone is fallible. Communicate openly with your partner, express your feelings, and work together towards growth and understanding.

Conclusion

The effects of overreacting in a relationship can be quite detrimental as it hurts you as much as it hurts your partner. Overreacting might look different in different relationships, but knowing the signs can be helpful in preventing it in its tracks. 

Being willing to recognize when you’re overreacting and seeking professional help so that you can navigate the situation in a healthier way helps you and the relationship in the long run.