3 Signs You Have Incompatible Love Languages®

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Everyone has their love language, which makes us feel appreciated, celebrated, and loved. Therefore, working towards love language compatibility is important to achieve a healthy and stable relationship.

If you don’t understand your partner’s love language, and they don’t communicate yours, both parties will feel dissatisfied. It might not be easy to achieve harmony when it comes to incompatible love languages®, but it is possible. In this article, you will see what it means when your love language is not met and how to make it work.

Is it possible for love languages® to be incompatible?

Transformational coach Dionne Eleanor says,

Incompatibility in love languages® is not a relationship death sentence; it’s an opportunity to deepen your understanding and connection.

It is common to see incompatible love languages® in a relationship, but it does not rule out the fact that such unions can still work. When partners do not have compatible love languages®, communicating their love for each other will be difficult.

Even though they might appreciate their partner’s show of love, they might still feel disappointed because their expectations were not met. For instance, if someone with a Quality time love language gets gifts on their birthdays, and their partner is not around, they will feel disappointed.

3 clear signs that your love language isn’t compatible with your partner’s

When you and your partner have incompatible love languages®, they might not be able to love you in the way you want.

1. You are often disappointed on your special events

One of the ways to know that there is no love language compatibility between you and your partner is when you don’t get impressed on your special occasions.

You will notice that you don’t feel happy or satisfied when they do anything for you on those days. This is mainly because your love language is not compatible with theirs.

They try to love you in the best way they know, but they end up disappointing you. They might understand you better if they paid more attention to your love language.

Dionne Eleanor adds,

Disappointment often signals an unmet expectation. Identifying the need beneath it is key to building compatibility.

Related Reading:- How to Deal With Disappointment in Relationships: 10 Ways

2. You feel frustrated most times

When you notice that you and your partner end up feeling frustrated when trying to work things out, it might be one of the signs that you have different love languages®. 

You are likely to observe this when you have a conflict with your spouse and are trying to work things out.

They might try to show you love, but they end up not getting your love language. Similarly, you might try doing the same thing, only for them to get disappointed that you don’t know their love language. 

Hence, this frustration sets in because you know you love each other, but they don’t feel loved.

Dionne Eleanor comments,

Frustration in love stems from the silence of unsaid needs. Speak them clearly, and listen just as deeply.

Watch this video on how to deal with anger and frustration in a relationship: 

3. You feel misunderstood

Another way to know you and your partner have incompatible love languages® is when you feel misunderstood. You will feel like your partner does not understand how you want to be loved, no matter how you try explaining to them.

It is important to mention that knowing how to identify how your partner wants to be loved is a game changer in how they receive your love. It also determines how they feel and react toward you.

Related Reading: 10 Common Causes of Misunderstanding and How to Solve Them

How to tell your and your partner’s love language

When it comes to identifying your and your partner’s love language, you need an extra layer of observation and thought. 

For example, you can ask questions like “what matters the most to me? Or “what does my partner value the most in this relationship?” When you get answers to these questions, it becomes easier to know your and your partner’s love language.

According to Gary Chapman, who is considered an expert on Love and Relationships, he published a book titled “The 5 Love Languages®”. These 5 love languages® are how people show love or want to be loved. They are Receiving gifts, Quality time, Words of affirmation, Acts of service, and Physical touch.

Here is one of the books in The 5 Love Languages® Series. This particular series sheds more light on the secret to long-lasting love in relationships. 

Dionne Eleanor adds,

Love is a fluent language, but we all have unique dialects. Learning each other’s preferences makes all the difference.

1. Receiving gifts

Anyone who loves receiving or giving gifts has this as their primary love language. When they want to give someone gifts, they put extra care into ensuring that the gift is useful and timely to the recipient.

When people want to give a gift, they don’t care about the cost of the present; they are more concerned about the thoughtfulness that comes with it. Someone with this love language will be happy when you curate a personalized gift for them; they rarely forget such good deeds.

2. Quality time

If you or your partner has this love language, it means you treasure undivided and complete attention. This means that when you are with your partner, you love it when they focus on you and make other things around them secondary. 

The same applies if this is your partner’s love language. For example, if your partner loves quality time, it means they want your undivided attention when they are with you.

3. Words of affirmation

If words of affirmation are your love language, it means you prefer expressing love through words/speaking. When you care about someone, you are likely to tell them with words before using other means. Also, if this is your partner’s love language, then they enjoy sending you sweet and cute notes because they love you.

4. Acts of service

Anyone with this love language will show their partner how much they cherish them. They will do things that will make their partner feel appreciated. Hence, they can help with different duties that save their partner time and energy.

Related Reading: How to Use Acts of Service Love Language® in Your Relationship

5. Physical touch

An individual with physical touch will show love through physical affection. They like it when their partner holds them or maintains proximity to them. When their partner is around, they don’t like sitting from across the couch; they prefer to remain close.

Can partners with different love languages® work in a relationship

Partners with incompatible love languages® can work in a relationship if they are deliberate about understanding each other. When you discover that your love language is different from your partner’s, you should attempt to learn more about theirs.

It might not be easy because it is not what you are used to, but with time, you will adjust. For example, when your partner sees you are trying to show them love with their primary love language, they will be motivated to do the same.

Understanding mismatched love languages®: What to do about it

When you discover that you and your partner have incompatible love languages®, you can still work things out with them to make your relationship healthy.

Here are some things you can do when you have different love languages® in a relationship.

1. Know your love language

Dionne Eleanor shares,

Knowing your love language is an act of self-awareness; communicating it is an act of self-love.

Discovering your love language is the first step to understanding incompatible love languages®. You must understand what you love receiving in a relationship to communicate it to your partner. You can search online for some quiz that helps you know your love language.

2. Discover your partner’s love language

Usually, the best way to do this is by having an honest conversation with them. Then, you can ask them some questions that shed more light on their love language. 

For instance, if your partner loves gifts, it means your major way of showing love to them should be through gifting.

Related Reading: 10 Things to Do When a Couple Has Different Love Languages

3. Learn to compromise

Sometimes, speaking our partner’s love language can be inconvenient, especially when we are not used to it. Therefore, learn to make sacrifices so that you can make them happy. A strong relationship comprises partners ready to go out of their way to make each other happy.

4. Request feedback

While trying to understand incompatible love languages® in your relationship, you should always ask for feedback. The essence of feedback is to tell if you are meeting your partner’s expectations or not. This will teach you what love languages® work best together and how to implement what your partner wants.

5. Don’t stop practicing

To answer the question of what love languages® are most compatible, you must keep practicing to attain perfection. You cannot achieve mastering your partner’s love language in a short time. There will be mistakes, corrections, feedback, etc. 

However, if you keep true to your intentions of making your partner happy, you will learn how to make them feel loved in their preferred way.

Dionne Eleanor sums up,

Love is not static—it evolves as we grow, learn, and practice showing up for each other.

For more tips on achieving compatibility in love languages®, check out this book from the Five Love Languages® Series by Gary Chapman. This book is also titled The Five Love Languages®, but it talks about how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. 

Final thought

After reading this article on incompatible love languages®, you now know how to identify your and your partner’s love language. However, it is important to mention that one of the best ways to know your spouse’s love language is by asking them.

If you try assuming, you might end up making them dissatisfied. Also, learn to communicate your love language to your spouse, so they can always make you happy. For more tips on how to achieve compatible love languages®, you can contact a relationship counselor or take a course centered on it.

To understand more about compatibility in relationships, check out Margaret Clark’s study titled Implications of Relationship Type for Understanding compatibility. You will learn how to get along with your partner in a harmonious and congenial fashion.