15 Things to Talk About Marriage With Your Boyfriend

There’s just something about marriage that makes some people uncomfortable.

That is true even for couples in long-term relationships. 

So if you are trying to figure out how to talk about marriage with your boyfriend without triggering a break-up flag, you are not alone.

Love isn’t an issue, and you know your boyfriend loves you. They are loyal to you and solid as a rock.

They are stable and reliable until you talk about marriage. It’s not like they are scared of commitment; they have served in the military, owned a business, completed med school, or done something else that proves they can stick to their word of honor.

But when it’s a conversation about marriage, things get tense.

What makes many stable, reliable people run for the hills when talking about marriage?

The truth is, there are many reasons, and things change when you figure that out.

How to talk about marriage with your boyfriend 

If you are looking for tips when it comes to talking about marriage with your boyfriend, here are some.

1. Drop hints

Sometimes, you may be on the same page, thinking about the same things but need clarification. You may want to get married, and so does your partner. Drop a hint. In that case, it may do the trick.

Please talk about your friends getting married, or show them designs of engagement rings you like.

2. Pick the right time

Whether it is just dropping a hint or sitting down to have a serious conversation with them, pick the right time. 

You could bring it up when you both are having a chill day out together. Bringing up the topic of marriage on a date night is also a good idea. However, please do not bring it up when they are stressed due to work or are having a bad day. In that case, it is not likely to go down well.

3. Talk about personal goals

Getting married and having a family was on the list of goals for both of you, even personally. If that is the case, talking about working towards that goal together is a good way to discuss marriage with your boyfriend.

Setting a timeline for it or discussing it can help you get more clarity about where you and your partner stand on it.

4. Talk about relationship goals

When you first began dating, chances are you discussed where you wanted your relationship to go. Chances are also that you decided to give it a shot because you both had similar relationship goals – you wanted to get married or have a family eventually.

In that case, revisiting your relationship goals and discussing them with your partner is a good way to discuss marriage with your boyfriend.

5. Keep an open mind

Talking about marriage is a layered discussion. When you do it, you will realize that there are many things that you and your partner need to see eye to eye on. However, you must keep an open mind and take a holistic view of the situation. 

You should also understand their point of view if they need time or have something else they need to figure out.

Also, watch this insightful video by Relationship Expert Susan Winter talking about communicating relationship expectations without issuing an ultimatum:

Things couples should talk about before marriage

Before asking your partner to marry you, ensure you are marrying the right person. Rushing into things could lead to a messy divorce and problems with children.

So instead of telling your boyfriend you want to marry him, open up about little things that are part of marriage and make him want it. How do you talk about marriage with your boyfriend topics? Here’s a list that can be handy for you:

1. Children

Regarding things you want to discuss before marriage, children are the first on the list. 

Do you and your partner want children?

How many children do you want?

When in your marriage do you want to start planning for a child?

These are some of the questions you must consider before getting married. Thoughts on unplanned pregnancies, abortions, and topics like disabilities in children should be discussed. 

While these may be tough conversations, finding out that you and your partner are on different pages after getting married may be even more complicated.

According to Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz, LCSW:

Agreeing on children is essential for a healthy marriage because it’s not something you can really compromise on if you have different opinions. If one person really wants children, and the other is totally opposed, you likely aren’t compatible for marriage.

2. Religious orientation of the family

Are you and your partner religious? If yes, do you both follow the same religion?

What will be the religion your kids follow? Will they follow any at all?

Faith and religion make up many of our personalities and define who we are. Discussing where the family goes religiously is also an important thing to discuss before getting married.

3. Home type, location, and layout

When you get married, you build a home with the person you love. Buying and building a house and making it a home is a big deal. It is the place you make the best of your memories in. 

Everyone has a notion of the kind of home they want. Make sure you discuss the same with your boyfriend or partner before marriage. You both may have to compromise and settle on a middle ground, but having this conversation before marriage is important.

4. Food choices

It might not seem a big deal, but discussing food choices with your partner before marriage is important. You both may have different eating habits or eating times. You may come from different backgrounds where the food you eat regularly differs. 

Before getting married, discussing food choices and forming a merged food system is important.

5. Financial responsibilities

Finances are a very important topic to discuss with your partner before marriage. Debts, if any, should be disclosed. There should be transparency regarding how much money you make, save, and invest.

It would be best if you also discussed how the expenses of your household would be managed once you are married. If one of you wants to be a stay-at-home husband or wife, you should also discuss the logistics.

Related Reading: Manage Finances in Your Marriage with These 9 Healthy Financial Habits

6. Child-rearing responsibilities

Another very serious and important discussion to have when it comes to things to talk about before marriage is child-rearing responsibilities. 

Will you both continue to work professionally and share the responsibility?

Or will one of you quit their job to be with the children, while the other takes care of the finances?

These are some important things to talk about before marriage.

7. Masters bedroom interior design

This seems trivial, but it is a very important discussion to have. Everyone dreams of the kind of bedroom they want eventually in their lives. It is very important to discuss interior design and reach a middle ground.

It is little things like this that can make you feel resentful about marrying your partner later.

8. Sunday activities

What activities will you and your partner do over the weekend? 

Will it be chilling at home, hosting parties for your friends, or going out?

Will it involve household chores and visiting the store for household shopping?

Sorting out these details before you get married is a good idea.

9. Nightly activities

You may be a morning person, and your partner may be a night owl or vice versa. Either way, you may be comfortable following a certain lifestyle. 

Discussing nightly activities before marriage is a good idea. You can decide what works best for you and already find a middle ground if needed.

Related Reading: 8 Marriage Enrichment Activities to Spice up Your Relationship

10. Dealing with In-laws

In-laws are a very intense but important topic to discuss when deciding to get married.

How much will they be involved in your life after marriage?

Will you or will you not live with them?

Will they be a part of big decisions involving your children or finances?

11. Family holiday traditions

Every family has certain holiday traditions. When you get married, you want your partner to be involved in your family’s traditions, and so will they. Deciding which festivals or holidays will be celebrated with whom and how is a good idea. 

12. Sexual fantasies and preferences

Sex is an important part of any relationship or marriage. Discussing sexual fantasies, preferences, and details of how you want your sex life to be post marriage is an important part of discussing things before tying the knot.

13. Couple night outs

Couple night outs and date nights post marriage is also an important discussion to have. Once you get married, you must ensure that you keep the spark in your relationship alive and communicate how you feel with each other.

14. Living as retirees and other “in the far future” plans

What are your long-term plans as a married couple?

Where do you see yourself in the future – five or ten years later?

These are some of the important considerations to have before marriage.

15. School or skill upgrades after marriage

When you get married, the decisions are not just your own; they do not affect only you. 

Therefore, when it comes to decisions such as going back to school or taking up courses for a skill upgrade, you should know where your partner stands before tying the knot with them.

Related Reading: Premarital Counseling: Everything You Wanted To Know

Reasons to have difficult talks about your marriage

What are some reasons why you should have difficult conversations before getting married to your partner? Here are some you should know.

1. You will avoid a likely divorce or separation

Sometimes, the rose-colored glasses of love can make you feel like nothing is wrong with the relationship. However, when you discuss these important things before marriage, you may realize what can be negotiated and compromised with and if both of you are willing to do the same.

You may also encounter some deal breakers or things you cannot deal with. Knowing these beforehand and deciding accordingly can help you avoid divorce or separation.

2. Helps you set the right expectations

A relationship and marriage are very different. Marriage involves a lot more responsibility and commitment as compared to a relationship. Therefore, having discussions about certain things before marriage helps to set the right expectations going into it.

Both partners will know what to expect from the other, making it much easier for them to navigate the road to marriage.

Related Reading: Expectations From Marriage vs. Reality: 3 Steps to Deal With Them

3. You understand the motivation

What is your motivation to get married? Why does your partner want to get married in the first place?

Having tough conversations before marriage can help you understand the real motivation for either partner to undergo such a big life change. This further helps to understand if you both are ready for a commitment so huge.

4. Helps to build communication

Having tough talks before marriage and emerging stronger from them can help you build communication and prepare for your marriage. Talking about difficult situations is very important in a marriage, putting you both in the right practice.

5. Helps avoid avoidance

Sometimes, in a marriage, you may avoid discussing certain things because you fear confrontation or want to avoid an argument with your partner. When you do this before marriage, you also tend to take it into the marriage. 

This way, you will likely follow the avoidance tactic to keep your marriage together. This will only put things off for later, make it worse, and lead to resentment or anger towards each other.

FAQs

Here are some frequently asked questions about how to discuss marriage with your boyfriend.

1. When should I bring up marriage with my boyfriend?

Bringing up marriage is a difficult subject. When wondering when to bring up marriage with your boyfriend, make sure that you have known each other for some time and have been in a committed relationship for a while now. 

There may be exceptions, but time generally helps to get to know each other better and be surer about the decision.

When to talk about marriage?

Meanwhile, you should also pick the timing correctly. Do not bring up marriage with your partner after they have had a bad day, or are stressed because of work.

The takeaway

Marriage is a long and important commitment. When you want to talk about marriage with your boyfriend or partner, it is important, to be honest, and have a clear conversation.

Ensuring that both of you are on the same page and can figure out a middle ground or compromise with various things.

The last thing you want is to pressure your man or woman into marriage. You have to make them want it; when they do, they will propose their own way.

Dr. Jenni Schulz highlights that:

Discussions about marriage are a natural part of a relationship that is progressing, so it’s important to have these conversations, whether on your own or with the assistance of a therapist.

If both of you cannot find solutions to the problems, you can get couples therapy to navigate this better.