Expectations From Marriage vs. Reality: 3 Steps to Deal With Them

Before I got married, I had this dream of what my marriage would be like. A few weeks before the wedding, I started making schedules, calendars, and spreadsheets, because I had planned to have this extremely organized life with my new husband.

After walking down the aisle, I was more than confident that everything was going to go exactly according to plan. 

Two date nights a week, which days are cleaning days, which days are laundry days, I thought I had the whole thing figured out. I then quickly realized that sometimes life has its own path and schedule.

My husband’s work schedule quickly became crazy, the laundry started piling up, and date nights slowly dwindled away because sometimes there just wasn’t enough time in one day, let alone a week.

All of this affected our marriage in a negative way, and the “honeymoon phase” quickly ended as the reality of our lives sunk in.

Irritation and tension were high between us. My husband and I like to call these feelings “growing pains”.

Growing pains is what we refer to as the “knots” in our marriage – when things are a bit difficult, a little uncomfortable, and irritating.

However, the good thing about growing pains is that you eventually grow, and the pain stops!

Marriage expectations vs. reality

It’s no secret that marriage can be a difficult, often challenging experience. And while expectations can be high or there could be unrealistic expectations in a marriage, reality often falls short.

According to Maggie Martinez, LCSW:

Unspoken or unrealistic expectations after marriage can lead to frustration. Healthy partnerships grow when couples communicate openly about their needs and dreams.

Here are four common expectation vs. reality examples that don’t always pan out in real life.

• “We’ll always be best friends.”
• “I will never have to make a decision without my partner’s input.”
• “My partner and I will have the same values and goals.”
• “Our relationship will always be effortless.”

Unfortunately, none of these things are guaranteed! Sure, they may work well for some couples, but the reality is that every relationship is different, and there is no guarantee how things will turn out. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hope for the best or try to work toward those ideals.

The reality of marriage is that when it comes to a wife’s or husband’s expectations vs reality, you and your partner will experience ups and downs. It’s natural to go through some rough patches and difficult times in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work through them. 

The key is to keep your relationship strong and work on making improvements when you hit a rough patch. At the end of the day, you and your partner are in this together.

Is it okay to have expectations in a marriage?

Having the same expectations of your partner can be a good thing, but it can also be bad. It all depends on how you look at it. It’s true that having high expectations from marriage can help them to reach their full potential in life. 

Maggie Martinez Reid highlights that:

Expectations in marriage should be flexible, rooted in respect and understanding. Holding too tightly to an ideal can block the deeper connection.

But it can also be quite stressful for the person you’re married to. After all, you can’t expect them to meet all of your expectations all of the time. So the key to managing expectations in a marriage is to balance things out and find a happy medium that works for both of you.

Marriage expectations vs. reality: 3 ways to deal with them

There’s a simple solution for dealing with your marriage when expectations aren’t meeting the reality you had dreamed of and imagined. So, when it comes to marriage expectations vs. reality, here are a few ways to deal with it:

Step 1: Analyze the issue

What’s the root of the issue? Why is this an issue? When did this start? The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that there is a problem in the first place.

Changes can not take place without knowing what has to be changed.

My husband and I had several sit-down talks about our feelings. What made us happy, what made us unhappy, what was working for us, and what wasn’t? Take note of how I said we had several sit-down talks.

This means that the issue was not solved overnight or in one day. It took some time for us to see eye to eye on the issue and tweak our schedules to make things fit better for both of us. What’s important is that we never stopped communicating.

Related Reading: Common Intimacy Issues in Marriage That Cause Discord Between Couples

Step 2: Tame and fix the issue

I think one of the most difficult challenges of marriage is learning how to function as an effective unit while still being able to function as a single personal unit. I believe that putting your marriage and spouse first is extremely important.

However, I also believe that putting yourself first is drastically important in a marriage.

If you are unhappy with yourself, your personal life, your goals, or your career – all of that will eventually affect your marriage in an unhealthy way, just as it affects you in an unhealthy way.

For my husband and I, taming the issue in our marriage had a lot to do with dealing with our own personal issues. We both had to take a step back and gain an understanding of what was wrong in our personal lives, and deal with our personal issues.

As a unit, we decided to tame the issue by taking weekly turns planning date nights, and having specific days for deep cleaning our apartment. 

It took some time to get this into play, and we are honestly still working on it, and that’s okay. The most important part of taming the issue is taking the first steps toward the solution.

The first step, no matter how small, shows that both parties are willing to make it work. 

It’s extremely easy to be hard on your spouse when things in the marriage aren’t working how you want them to. But always try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Be open to what’s going on with them as a single unit.

Step 3: Make your expectations and reality meet

Making your expectations from marriage and reality meet is very much possible, it just takes some work! 

Sometimes we have to get into the groove of things to get a feel for how things will work with our lives and our schedules. It’s very easy to plan things out and have all of these expectations from marriage.

However, actually getting things done can be extremely different. It’s also important to understand that it’s okay to start over. If one thing doesn’t work for you and your spouse, have another conversation and try something else!

If both parties are working towards a solution and putting in an effort, expectations meeting reality is not a hard goal to achieve.

Always remain open-minded, always be kind, always take into consideration what your spouse is dealing with as a single unit, and always communicate. 

Related Reading: 5 Relationship Expectations That Are Harmful for Couples

Sharing the same expectations in a marriage: Is it important?

There’s a lot of pressure on people to have perfect marriages. But is it really necessary? So, it might not be the best idea to have identical expectations in a relationship. Here’s why:

• First of all, having different expectations can lead to conflicts within the relationship. And that can lead to a lot of arguments and fights! So it’s important to establish clear boundaries from the start. This can help to prevent conflict in the future. 
• Second of all, having different expectations from marriage can also create distance in the relationship. 

This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration over time. In order to avoid this, it’s important to share a similar vision for the months and years ahead. This will make things much easier in the long run.

Know what to do when you have unmet expectations in your marriage:

Takeaway

Marriage is a beautiful union and relationship. Yes, there are hard times. 

Maggie Martinez adds that:

Marriage is a journey where expectations shift and change. Connection comes from embracing growth together, not from holding onto fixed ideas of how marriage should look.

Yes, there are growing pains, knots, tension, and irritation. And yes, there usually is a solution. Always respect not only each other but yourself. Always love one another, and always put your best foot forward. 

Also, have realistic marriage expectations. That is sure to keep your marriage healthy.

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Lee Thompson Blogger

Lee Thompson is a blogger and content writer. Writing has always been her passion. It started in elementary school when she was the first one in the library and the last one out. Obsessively reading turned into obsessively writing. Journals then turned into short stories, and then short stories into... Read more potential novels. She lives in The Bahamas, therefore she enjoys weekly trips to the beach, alongside her husband and her black lab, Jupiter. She also loves researching and learning new things, as well as eating and long drives! Read less

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