17 Effective Ways to Have Self-Control in Relationships

Ever feel like emotions take over in your relationship, leaving you saying things you don’t mean or reacting in ways you later regret?

It happens to all of us! Relationships bring out the best and sometimes the most challenging parts of who we are. The ups and downs, the little irritations… all those moments test your patience and push you to the edge.

But what if there was a way to stay grounded, to keep calm in the midst of it all?

Self-control in relationships can be tricky, but it’s one of the most valuable tools we have to nurture love, understanding, and respect. It’s not about being perfect—just being more mindful and aware.

So, what does that look like in real life?

How do we get there without losing ourselves along the way?

What is self-control in a relationship?

Self-control is about keeping your emotions in check, even when you’re frustrated or hurt. Instead of lashing out or saying things you don’t mean in the heat of the moment, you take a breath and choose to respond calmly.

Self-control examples include choosing not to act impulsively, such as refraining from making big decisions—like buying a new car or switching careers—without talking to your partner first.

It also means making sacrifices, like skipping that night out with friends to spend time together. At its core, self-control is about considering your partner’s feelings before making choices.

It’s not always easy, but it’s what helps relationships thrive, building trust and understanding.

5 reasons why maintaining self-control in relationships is challenging

Maintaining self-control in relationships can feel like an uphill battle at times. Emotions run high, and life’s stresses can easily spill into how we communicate with our partners.

Whether it’s reacting out of frustration or struggling to balance your own needs with someone else’s, self-control doesn’t always come naturally.

Here are 5 reasons why it’s so challenging.

1. Emotional intensity

Emotions in relationships can be overwhelming! Love, frustration, jealousy, and everything in between can cloud our judgment. When feelings are intense, it’s easy to react impulsively—whether it’s raising your voice, shutting down, or saying hurtful things you don’t mean.

Emotional highs and lows test your patience and make self-control harder to maintain.

How it affects relationships:

When emotional intensity takes over, communication can break down. Partners might feel misunderstood or attacked, leading to conflicts that spiral out of control.

Over time, this can create distance and resentment, making it difficult to rebuild trust and connection.

2. Personal triggers

Everyone has their own triggers—past experiences, insecurities, or deep-seated fears that can get activated in relationships. When a trigger gets pushed, it’s hard to stay calm.

You might find yourself reacting more to past pain than the present situation, making self-control even tougher to hold onto.

How it affects relationships:

When triggers take over, your partner may not understand what’s really going on, leading to confusion and tension.

Miscommunication becomes common, and you may end up projecting unresolved feelings onto your partner, which can create unnecessary conflicts and hurt feelings.

3. The pressure to be right

Let’s face it: we all want to be right sometimes! In disagreements, the need to prove a point or win an argument can easily override self-control.

You might end up focusing more on “winning” than understanding your partner’s perspective, leading to arguments that are more about ego than resolution.

How it affects relationships:

This pressure to be right can cause power struggles, where both partners dig their heels in. Instead of working together to solve issues, it becomes a battle of wills, leading to frustration and emotional distance.

Mutual understanding and compromise take a back seat, leaving both people feeling unheard.

4. Stress from outside the relationship

Life stressors—work, finances, family issues—can seep into your relationship without you even realizing it. When you’re overwhelmed, it’s harder to practice patience or self-control.

The slightest disagreement can become a bigger issue when stress is already running high, making it easy to snap or withdraw emotionally.

How it affects relationships:

When external stress creeps in, it can create unnecessary tension between partners. You may start taking out your frustrations on each other, even when the real issue lies outside the relationship.

Over time, this stress can erode the connection, making it harder to support each other through difficult times.

5. Fear of vulnerability

Self-control can be difficult when you’re afraid to open up or be vulnerable. Sometimes, we guard our emotions by either shutting down or reacting defensively.

This fear of being hurt or rejected can make it hard to stay present and emotionally balanced, especially when tough conversations arise.

How it affects relationships:

Fear of vulnerability can lead to emotional walls between partners. Connecting deeply or sharing your feelings is hard if you’re constantly on guard.

This distance can create a lack of intimacy and trust, leaving both partners feeling emotionally unfulfilled and disconnected.

What are the 4 types of self-control?

Self-control comes in many forms, especially within relationships where emotions, decisions, and daily actions can test your patience.

Understanding the different types of self-control can help you stay grounded and maintain a healthy, fulfilling connection with your partner.

Here are the 4 key types of self-control and why they’re important.

1. Physical movement

Physical self-control refers to how you manage your bodily actions. This could mean sticking to an exercise routine or simply getting off the couch to do something you promised, like washing the dishes.

It’s about keeping your word and taking responsibility for the physical tasks you agreed to handle in your relationship.

Importance of this type of self-control:

Physical self-control shows your partner you are reliable and willing to put effort into the relationship. It strengthens trust and helps build a supportive, balanced dynamic.

It shows commitment, whether it’s something small, like taking out the trash, or bigger, like staying active to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

2. Emotional control

Emotional self-control is about managing your feelings without letting them take over. This means handling frustration, criticism, or other upsetting emotions in relationships without lashing out or blaming your partner.

It allows you to express yourself in a way that’s honest and calm rather than being overwhelmed by anger or hurt.

Importance of this type of self-control:

When you control your emotions, you prevent unnecessary conflicts and help foster a loving, safe environment for both you and your partner.

It promotes open communication and helps resolve issues without creating deeper wounds, ultimately leading to a more harmonious relationship.

3. Concentration

Concentration as a form of self-control means dedicating your attention and focus to your relationship.

It’s about prioritizing your partner, working through the tough moments, and continuing to invest time and effort even when the honeymoon phase has faded. Long-term relationships require constant attention to stay strong.

Importance of this type of self-control:

Concentration shows your partner they are a priority, not just during the exciting early days, but in the long run.

It helps to deepen the bond between you and keeps the relationship healthy by ensuring that both of you feel valued and appreciated, even when life gets busy or difficult.

4. Impulse control

Impulse control is the ability to resist the urge for instant gratification. In relationships, this might mean avoiding the temptation to act on desires that could damage your connection—like cheating or making selfish decisions.

It’s about thinking long-term and acknowledging that the benefits of staying faithful and committed far outweigh any temporary pleasures.

Importance of this type of self-control:

Impulse control is essential for trust and loyalty. It ensures that both partners feel secure in the relationship, knowing that momentary temptations won’t derail the bond you’ve built.

This type of self-control also helps you make thoughtful decisions that support the future of the relationship rather than just focusing on what feels good in the moment.

How to have self-control in a relationship: 17 strategies

Self-control in a relationship isn’t always easy, especially when emotions run high or disagreements arise. But with a little effort and mindfulness, you can create healthier, more balanced connections with your partner.

So, how do you stay calm, avoid impulsive reactions, and keep the peace?

Here are 17 practical strategies to help you manage your emotions and navigate your relationship with patience and care.

1. Be in a relationship with someone you care about

It may seem like common sense, but choosing someone you want to be with goes a long way toward developing self-control. If you can’t help but ask, “Why do I lack self-control?” you could be dating the wrong people.

You’ll find it easier to exercise self-control when dating someone you care deeply for rather than someone you’re just settling for. Resist the urge to date, and wait until you find someone you genuinely want to be with for the long term. 

2. Set goals for the relationship 

If you consider the long-term goals you’ve set together, you’ll find it easier to use self-control to stay committed to the relationship.

Maybe you’d like to buy a house together by a certain date or establish a family within three years. Set goals together, and you’ll have a reason to prioritize the relationship.

3. Practice discipline in other areas of life

There is truth to the saying, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” Establish discipline in other areas of life, which will translate to your relationship.

Set a routine of going to the gym regularly or setting aside time to work toward a new goal. This will make discipline a habit in your daily life, including your relationship. 

4. Manage your stress

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’ll be more likely to seek out instant gratification as a way to soothe yourself. Managing your stress is perhaps one of the best self-control tips there is. 

Stress can lead to difficulty with self-control in relationships, especially among sleep-deprived people. Set a regular sleep schedule and take time for stress management to learn how to improve self-control. 

5. Keep an open line of communication with your partner

Part of knowing how to have self-control in a relationship is understanding your partner’s needs to prioritize them. This requires you to have open communication with your partner.

Prioritizing is only possible if you communicate your expectations with each other. Staying on the same page goes a long way toward achieving self-control.

6. Practice relaxation techniques

Being in a calm, relaxed state of mind gives you more control over your emotions. Incorporating relaxation techniques like yoga, meditation, or breathing exercises into your day allows you to learn how to have self-control. 

7. Work on your own self-esteem

Perhaps the biggest sign of a lack of self-control in relationships is the inability to remain faithful to one’s partner. Often, this comes from a strong need for external validation.

When you step outside your relationship for intimacy, you need validation because of underlying low self-esteem. Work on elevating your self-esteem by focusing on your strengths or setting new goals, so you don’t feel tempted to fill a void with an affair.

8. Try to focus on one thing at a time

Self-control psychology includes the concept of ego depletion, which states that we only have so much self-control available to us, and it becomes depleted.

If you think about using self-control in every situation within your relationship for the rest of your life, you may become overwhelmed. Instead, focus on living in the present.

When faced with a situation that tempts you, use some self-control tips to overcome it. Focus on doing the right thing at that moment rather than worrying about the future. 

9. Have check-ins with yourself

One way to practice self-control is to monitor your behavior and check in with yourself. This might mean making a mental note of times you met your partner’s needs or whether you were fair to them throughout the week.

If you are struggling with practicing self-control, consider journaling to help you document times you struggled, and times you were able to choose self-control over instant gratification. 

10. Set specific goals to motivate you

It is hard to work toward goals if you don’t know exactly what you’re aiming for. To help you establish self-control in your relationship, set a specific goal: “I will set aside my desires to make my partner happy twice weekly.”

Having a specific goal in mind allows you to measure your success and progress toward goal attainment. 

11. Avoid sexual temptation 

People often ask how to have self-control sexually in a relationship. If this is the case for you, it’s time to learn what makes you feel tempted and avoid these triggers.

Maybe going out to the bar or spending time browsing Instagram photos leads to sexual temptation for you. Whatever it is, eliminating these triggers is a great way to exercise self-control. 

12. Think about consequences

You might be tempted to give in to an impulse that will negatively affect your relationship at any given moment. When this moment strikes, take some time to think about the consequences.

Is staying out two hours later than expected worth upsetting your partner?

It probably isn’t.

13. Create a plan

Over the course of a long-term relationship, there will be times when you are faced with a decision that might test your self-control. Plan ahead for situations when you might be tempted not to put your partner first. 

For example, if it’s your partner’s birthday weekend and a friend asks you to go to a concert or away for a trip you’ve always wanted to take, think about how you’ll respond.

14. Know when you need to cool off

We’ve all become heated during an argument, and when emotions are strong, it is easy to get carried away and say something hurtful.

Think about the times you’ve let your emotions get the best of you.

How did you know you were losing control?

Maybe your heart started to race, or you could feel the temperature rising in your body. 

Whatever it was, learn to recognize these signs in yourself and table the conversation until you are calm enough to have a conversation while still controlling your emotions. 

15. Ensure that you’re expressing your needs

When someone struggles with the thought of, “I have no self-control!” the problem might be that they aren’t expressing their needs. People can feel hurt and lash out at their partner when their needs aren’t met.

If you aren’t meeting your needs, leading to a lack of self-control, take some time to reflect. It is possible that you aren’t telling your partner what you need.

Having a conversation can help you both get on the same page, making it easier for you to meet your needs and manage your emotions. 

16. Prioritize self-care

It’s easy to lose self-control when you’re running on empty. Prioritizing self-care—whether it’s getting enough sleep, eating well, or taking time to recharge—makes a huge difference.

When you feel mentally and physically balanced, keeping your emotions in check and making thoughtful decisions within your relationship is much easier. Taking care of yourself helps you be a better, more patient partner.

Watch this video where psychotherapist Michelle Farris shares 7 self-care habits for healthy relationships:

17. Surround yourself with supportive people

The people you spend time with can influence your ability to practice self-control. Surround yourself with friends and family who support your relationship and encourage healthy behaviors.

They can help hold you accountable and remind you of the value of your connection when times are tough. Positive influences can also help you stay grounded and focused on what truly matters.

Key Takeaway

Self-control in a relationship is no easy feat, but worth the effort. It’s about balancing your needs, your partner’s emotions, and thoughtful actions.

While it may feel challenging at times, especially when stress or strong emotions are involved, remember that self-control isn’t about being perfect. It’s about making mindful choices, even in tough moments.

With patience, practice, and a little compassion for yourself and your partner, you can build a relationship rooted in trust, respect, and understanding.

So take it one day at a time… you’ve got this!

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Dr. Jenni Schulz is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she earned her Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from National University. She has worked in the social work field for 14 years and is currently a professor at Ashland University.... Read more She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Dr. Schulz is licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and a school social worker through Ohio Department of Education. She currently works primarily as a crisis therapist at her local hospital and jail, while engaging in mental health consulting virtually. Read less

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