Funny Marriage Advice for Newlyweds

Are you looking for funny marriage advice for newlyweds or funny tips for newlyweds?

Well, you are just in the right place!

Also, since you are browsing for funny relationship advice for newlyweds, it implies that you have some really hilarious marriage notions. 

Either you have developed them over time by observing the typical married couples around you, or you have been deliberately imparted hilarious marriage advice by your close friends or family.

When you’re young, and in love, you just don’t know. But when you’re old and married…Oh, do you know! All the little silly, annoying, and downright strange parts of marriage that come out after the rose-colored glasses come off.

At the same time, however, there are just as many beautiful, amazing, and loving parts of marriage. Some you learn soon after you say “I do” but others you don’t until you’re old and gray. So, here is some funny marriage advice for newlyweds to prepare you for what’s coming.

1. Start a bean jar

Maybe you’ve heard of this funny advice for newlyweds.

For the first year you are married, put a bean in the jar every time you have sex. Then starting the day of your first anniversary, take a bean out of the jar every time you have sex. See how long it takes to get rid of the beans.

2. Only fight naked

When you start to argue, you have to start taking your clothes off. You’ll either end up laughing or doing something else, but at least you’ll forget why you were fighting in the first place. 

We bet this is one of the best advice for newlyweds; funny isn’t it?

3. Give a little slack

Benjamin Franklin had said it long back that, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half- shut afterwards.” Now that’s not just funny advice to newlyweds, but truly whip-smart!

4. Make them dinner. Simple

Or, at least have a few take-out places on speed dial. There will be days they may call you frantic and not able to make dinner. Be ready to play pick up or start up the BBQ. 

This is very critical advice for newlyweds, funny or not; this will come to your rescue in your desperate times. Thank us later!

5. Keep track of her cycles

But not where she will ever see!

When you know the PMS is about to hit, do something extra sweet for her, buy her some chocolate, and suggest you two watch a chick flick.

You might be wondering, how does this advice for married couples qualify to be ‘funny’?

Trust us, and you’ll definitely earn some points by going the extra mile.

6. If you see their socks on the floor…

You really have two choices: look the other way or pick them up. There is no third option.

Yes, you’ll feel like nagging, but just don’t. Totally not worth it.

Your spouse has been dropping their socks for years, and even being married to you won’t change that. Better yet, place a mini hamper right where they drop their socks. Problem solved!

7. Buy your own tube

To keep the marriage secure, each person should buy their own tube of toothpaste.  This is funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but very effective.

But, this way, you won’t have to ever fight about the “right” way to squish the paste out, or about who lost the lid, or whatever.

Seriously, just get your own tube!

8. Birthday presents

Don’t buy your partner appliances, even if they ask for them. Save those for just a random day of the week. You can also get them those things as gifts which you know they crave for but may never, ever use (hint: power tools). 

This is another vital piece of marriage advice, funny or not, that can prove to be instrumental in keeping the spark in your marriage alive.

9. Small annoyances

This does not  actually qualify to be one of the funny marriage tips for newlyweds; instead this is the most obvious one.

What annoys your spouse the most? Stop doing those things so they’ll be quiet.

10. Say something funny every day

Another truly funny marriage advice for newlyweds!

Guys, tell your wife something funny every day. Ladies, laugh at dumb jokes. No offense, ladies!

11. Marriage test

You haven’t been through enough as a couple unless you’ve had to take care of each other being sick or going on a long, hot, dirty road trip.

Or as Will Ferrell says: “…make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

So, try taking this marriage test as a part of some crucial piece of marital advice for newlyweds. Fingers crossed!

12. Dishwasher rule

Whoever is doing the dishes gets to proclaim that their way of loading the dishwasher is the right way.

Want your way to be the right way?

Start loading!

Isn’t this advice for newly married couples funny? Well, your spouse will tell you better!

13. Find out their favorite flavor

Then, buy chapstick in that flavor. Wear it every day.

This advice to newlyweds is funny, but moreover, it is actually playful.

14. Get a king sized bed

The tussle over the blanket is an old one. So, another piece of advice for newly married couples funny or not is to get a very, very large blanket.

Or, if your spouse is a blanket hog, just get another blanket.

15. Regarding the thermostat

This is not just another piece of  funny marriage advice for newlyweds; take it very seriously.

Each of you take a piece of paper and write the temperature you want the thermostat to be set at.

On the count of three, reveal your papers to each other. Add them together and divide by two to get an average temperature. That is the temperature you will set your thermostat.

Do you find this marriage advice funny? No, it isn’t! Follow this advice to flourish peace and harmony in your relationship.

16. Never open each other’s mail

Just don’t. Because it’s actually a federal offense. Of course, you can always hold it up to the light…

You might say that this isn’t funny marriage advice for newlyweds. Well, we too agree, but couldn’t resist mentioning it.

17. How to make a honey do list

Write out the list of things you want your husband to do, then rip it up. Then, hire a professional.

Without a doubt, this funny marriage advice for newlyweds has left your rolling with laughter!

18. Have secret lives

Well, not actually “secret.” Just have lives away from each other.

Have that guy’s night, and have that girl’s night. Have a little separation on a regular basis and develop yourselves on your own—maybe take a class or go on a trip apart.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something like that. Again, this isn’t funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but an indispensable one. Don’t do away with this advice at any cost.

19. Be super flirty

Don’t let the flirtiness die after marriage.

Even when your spouse is un-showered and sitting around in sweats, tell them how hot they are and ask them out on a date.

This advice to newlyweds funny or not will definitely bring a coy smile on your spouse’s face.

These funny marriage tips must have left you feeling exuberated. Don’t just laugh these away; instead, use this list of funny marriage advice for newlyweds cleverly to spice up your relationship. 

Also, if you need something more to tickle your funny bone, you can browse through some really funny marriage tweets on the internet.