Funny Marriage Advice for Newlyweds

When you’re young and in love, you just don’t know. But when you’re old and married…. Oh do you know! All the little silly, annoying, and downright awful parts of marriage that come out after the rose-colored glasses come off.

At the same time, however, there are just as many wonderful, amazing, and loving parts of marriage. Some you learn soon after you say “I do” but others you don’t until you’re old and gray. So if you are in the newlywed crowd, here is some funny advice to prepare you for what’s coming.

1. Start a Bean Jar

Maybe you’ve heard this one. For the first year you are married, put a bean in the jar every time you have sex. Then starting the day of your first anniversary, take a bean out of the jar every time you have sex. See how long it takes to get rid of the beans.

2. Only Fight Naked

When you start to argue, you have to start taking your clothes off. You’ll either end up laughing or doing something else, but at least you’ll forget why you were fighting in the first place.

3. Give a Little Slack

Benjamin Franklin said, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half- shut afterwards.” Now that’s some good advice.

4. Husbands, Make Her Dinner

Or at least have a few take-out places on speed dial. There will be days she may call you frantic and not able to make dinner. Be ready to play pick up or start up the BBQ.

5. Keep Track of Her Cycles

But not where she will ever see! When you know the PMS is about to hit, do something extra sweet for her, buy her some chocolate, and suggest you two watch a chick flick. You’ll definitely earn some points.

6. If You See His Socks on the Floor

You really have two choices: look the other way or pick them up. There is no third option. Yes, you’ll feel like nagging, but just don’t. Totally not worth it. He’s been dropping his socks for years, and even being married to you won’t change that. Better yet, place a mini hamper right where he drops his socks. Problem solved.

7. Buy Your Own Tube

To keep the marriage strong, each person should buy their own tube of toothpaste. That way, you don’t have to ever fight about the “right” way to squish the paste out, or about who lost the lid, or whatever. Seriously, just get your own tube.

8. Birthday Presents

Guys, don’t buy her appliances, even if she asks. Save those for just a random day of the week. Ladies, get him power tools, even if he never uses them.

9. Small Annoyances

What annoys your spouse the most? Stop doing those things so they’ll be quiet.

10. Something Funny Every Day

Guys, tell your wife something funny every day. Ladies, laugh at his dumb jokes.

11. Marriage Test

You haven’t been through enough as a couple unless you’ve had to take care of each other being sick or going on a long, hot, dirty road trip. Or as Will Ferrell says: “…make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

12. Dishwasher Rule

Whoever is doing the dishes gets to proclaim that their way of loading the dishwasher is the right way. Want your way to be the right way? Start loading.

13. Find Out His Favorite Flavor

Then go buy chapstick in that flavor. Wear it every day.

14. Get a King Sized Bed

Also, get a very, very large blanket. Or if your spouse is a blanket hog, just get another blanket.

15. Regarding the Thermostat

Each of you take a piece of paper and write the temperature you want the thermostat to be set at. On the count of three, reveal your papers to each other. Add them together and divide by two to get an average temperature. That is the temperature you will set your thermostat.

16. Never Open Each Other’s Mail

Just don’t. Because it’s actually a federal offense. Of course, you can always hold it up to the light…

17. How to Make a Honey Do List

Write out the list of things you want your husband to do, then rip it up. Then, hire a repairman.

18. Have Secret Lives

Well, not actually “secret.” Just have lives away from each other. Have that guy’s night, and have that girl’s night. Have a little separation on a regular basis and develop yourselves on your own—maybe take a class or go on a trip apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something like that.

19. Be Super Flirty

Don’t let the flirtiness die after marriage. Even when your spouse is un-showered and sitting around in sweats, tell them how hot the are and ask them out on a date.