How to Take Control in the Bedroom as a Man: 11 Tips

Finding your place in intimacy can feel confusing at times, especially when you want to lead with confidence but still be caring and respectful. Many men quietly wonder how to take control in the bedroom as a man without coming across as forceful or insensitive… and that’s completely normal! 

Healthy dominance is really about presence, communication, and emotional connection; those small moments where you guide, reassure, and create comfort. When done gently, it deepens trust, sparks desire, and helps both partners feel safe enough to explore. 

With intention and warmth, taking the lead can become something that feels natural, mutual, and exciting!

What does it mean to take control sexually?

Taking charge in the bedroom can mean different things to different people, but at its core, it usually involves one partner playing a dominant or leading role in the sexual experience. This can include initiating sex and suggesting new activities or positions.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, reminds us,

Remember, consensually taking control during sex is about having fun too and promoting a connection.

Knowing how to take control in bed also includes controlling the pace and intensity of the sexual encounter.

Please note:

It is important to note, however, that sexual control should always be consensual and respectful. It’s not about wielding power or putting pressure on your partner. Rather, it’s about exploring your desires and boundaries together in a way that feels comfortable and enjoyable for both partners.

7 reasons why men may not take charge in bed

Many men want to feel confident and take the lead in intimate moments, but it doesn’t always happen as naturally as people assume. There are plenty of emotional, psychological, and relational reasons that can hold someone back—often quietly, without ever being spoken out loud. 

Understanding the deeper “why” behind this hesitation can create compassion, reduce pressure, and open the door to healthier intimacy for both partners. There are many reasons why some men may not feel comfortable taking charge in bed. Some common reasons include:

• Fear of rejection or failure
• Lack of confidence or self-esteem
• Not knowing what their partner wants or likes
• Feeling pressured to perform
• Being inexperienced or unsure of how to take the lead
• Believing that taking control is not “masculine.”
• Concerns about consent and respecting their partner’s boundaries.

How to take control in the bedroom as a man: 11 tips 

Looking to enhance intimacy in your relationship?

Here are 10 thoughtful ways to take a more active and engaged role in your intimate life.

1. Take the lead

Although this may sound cliché, one of the most effective pieces of advice on how to take control in the bedroom as a man is to just take the lead.

Men who take the initiative are admired by their partners, especially in heterosexual relationships. Whether it’s just kissing, cuddling, or sex, taking the first step means you’re in command. 

Do you know the best part? 

It doesn’t have to be complicated. Start with affectionate gestures, letting the connection naturally deepen, and follow cues from your partner to set the tone together. They’d be more likely to respond quickly and go with the flow as you’ve already started a heady makeout session.

• Try: Even if you’re out for a walk, hold their hand tightly as this could be a way of asserting yourself.

2. Spend more time on foreplay

In addition to setting the pace for sex, effective foreplay helps you bond with your partner.

We know it sounds corny, but no one can deny the importance of foreplay in the lovemaking of a man and woman in bed. If you want to take control of the situation, consider prolonging foreplay.

• Try: Keeping the moment playful — even if it’s a spontaneous quickie. Take the lead by warming your partner up and setting the mood first.

3. Discuss her most comfortable area

If you have different spaces available, explore where both of you feel most comfortable to enhance the experience.

You don’t have to ask when you’re having pillow talk. Instead, ask when you’re making love. Something as simple as “Did you like what I did to you?” can make a world of difference to your partner. 

• Try: Allow them to be on top. Show them that you know what they enjoy and give them more pleasure each time. For that, your partner would love you to the moon and back.

4. Decide the position

Decide on a position if you want to take control in the bedroom as a man. Don’t take the same position every time you make love.

Keep the final position a surprise for your partner. Choose a position that will provide you with more control and access. Some positions are more pleasurable for women, and she would appreciate it if you chose those.

Then again, feel free to learn about more positions with your partner. 

• Try: Look up new positions online, and discuss them with your counselors and relationship coaches. Talk to yourselves and come up with a list of sexual positions you would love to try out next time. 

5. Learn to experiment with different positions

One of the tricks to please your partner in bed is to always be ready to experiment with new sex styles. Sticking to one style for too long makes sex boring and arduous. You don’t want that. 

After coming up with a bucket list of styles to try out, it is time to swing into action. Tick those styles off your list and note the ones that unleash the passion in your partner. Those are the ones to bring up again in the near future. 

Being experimental will help you maintain control and spring surprises in your relationship, which your partner will always appreciate.

If you don’t want to surprise them, on the other hand, have a conversation about it and see if they agree. Who knows? They may have some ideas of their own as well. 

• Try creating a simple “exploration list” together and pick one new position each time; notice what excites your partner most and bring those favorites back later.

6. Whisper into their ears

Do you want to take your partner to the moon while making love? Don’t ignore their sense of hearing. What you whisper into their ears at this time can leave a lasting impression on their hearts and improve the bond you share. 

Whispering sweet nothings in your partner’s ears is an excellent way to get their attention. If you’re into it, add in some dirty talk, and you’re ready to take charge as a man. Using communication—whether through words, sounds, or gestures—can strengthen emotional and physical intimacy.

• Try: Telling your partner what you intend to do in bed is a great way to gain control in the bedroom, as this would pique their interest and turn them on.

7. Create the mood

How to take control in the bedroom as a man? Set the mood first. Intimacy is about connection, not rushing to an endpoint, so take your time to savor the experience together. Taking your time to create the mood is another subtle way to assert your authority in bed. 

The good news is that there are a million different approaches you can take. It will be easier for you to take the lead and maintain control if you are the one who creates the environment that puts you both in the mood for sex.

• Try: Take charge of the atmosphere — dim the lights, add candles or music, or prepare a drink — so your partner naturally feels guided into a relaxed, sensual space.

8. Explore sex-related material together

This one requires some research, but it’s excellent for taking charge in the bedroom. Look for books or instructional videos that provide sex advice or position suggestions, and read or watch them with your partner.

Your partner will appreciate the fact that you’re open to some sexual experimentation. Simultaneously, you can take the initiative by showing them the things you want to try in the bedroom.

• Try: Suggest a book or video you can browse side by side, then point out a few things you’d love to try; it keeps the mood open, playful, and collaborative.

9. Be confident

Do you know that confidence is attractive? One of the easiest ways to take control in the bedroom as a man is by being confident. Don’t be afraid to express your desires or take control in the bedroom, but also remember to listen to your partner’s needs while at it.

If you want something, take it, try it out, and talk about it. Don’t assume your partner will know because they won’t. 

• Try: Express what you want with calm certainty — a simple “I want to try something with you” can set the tone and make taking the lead feel natural and mutual.

10. Look attractive and sensuous

If done perfectly, this can switch the mood from disinterested to passionate within the shortest possible time. It isn’t only the job of your partner to seduce you with their clothes. You can return the favor as well and back off. 

Do this a few times to let your partner know you’re in charge. As long as you do it in a lighthearted and playful manner, they will enjoy it rather than perceive it as cruel teasing. 

Then again, this improves your sexual tension, which will ultimately lead to mind-blowing bedroom sessions. 

• Try: Surprise your partner by dressing in a way that feels sexy to you, then offering a playful tease before pulling back; it builds tension and signals confident control.

11. Understand and respond to her cues

One of the most underrated ways to take control in the bedroom is by being deeply attentive to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues. Confidence isn’t only about leading—it’s also about knowing when to lead. 

Pay attention to her breathing, body movements, and the way she responds to your touch. When you adjust your pace, pressure, or position based on her reactions, you take control in a way that feels intuitive and deeply connected. 

This kind of responsiveness shows emotional intelligence, which many partners find incredibly attractive.

Try: Notice how her body responds and slow down, pause, or intensify things based on her cues—this shows control that’s attentive, not overpowering.

5 simple ways to boost your bedroom skills as a man

It takes time and practice to improve your bedroom skills as a man, but there are several things you can do to become a better lover now. Here are some pointers:

1. Discuss with your partner

In any sexual encounter, communication is essential. 

Maggie Martinez points out,

The more communication there is, the more likely you both will enjoy the time you are spending together.

Discuss your partner’s desires, boundaries, and what they enjoy in bed with them. This will allow you to better understand their requirements and make the experience more enjoyable for both of you.

Watch this TED Talk by Amy Scott, a communication consultant, who shares simple tools to improve connection, reduce conflict, and build stronger relationships through mindful communication.

2. Educate yourself

Discover various sexual techniques, positions, and activities. Many books, articles, and online resources are available to help you broaden your knowledge and skills. 

3. Experiment with new styles

Don’t be afraid to try new things in the bedroom. Be willing to try new positions that you and your partner are both comfortable with.

4. Pay attention to your partner

Observe and listen to your partner’s responses, both verbal and non-verbal, to ensure the experience feels enjoyable and aligned with their comfort. Request feedback and try to adapt to their needs.

5. Practice self-care

Taking care of your physical and mental health can help you have a better sexual experience. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, and stress/anxiety management are all recommended.

FAQ

How to take control in the bedroom as a man? Enhancing your intimacy skills doesn’t have to feel overwhelming. With the right mindset and a willingness to learn, you can build confidence, deepen connection, and create more satisfying experiences for both you and your partner.

• How long does it take to improve bedroom skills?

Improvement can happen quickly with communication and practice. Small changes often lead to noticeable results within weeks.

• Is confidence more important than technique?

Yes—confidence, communication, and emotional presence often matter more than perfect technique.

• How do I know if my partner is truly satisfied?

Pay attention to verbal feedback, body language, and after-intimacy closeness. Asking gently also helps clarify what they enjoy.

Deepening the connection

Learning how to take control in the bedroom as a man isn’t about being forceful—it’s about being confident, attentive, and emotionally connected. When you lead with intention, communicate openly, and stay aware of your partner’s comfort and desires, intimacy becomes more satisfying for both of you. 

Each small step—setting the mood, expressing what you want, trying new things—helps build a deeper sense of trust and excitement. With patience and genuine care, taking the lead can feel natural, empowering, and mutually rewarding.

Marriage.com Assessment

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Questions: 20 | Last updated: Nov 18, 2025

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When you and your partner talk about something important…

We listen with care — even hard talks feel safe and productive

We try to talk, but lately emotional closeness feels harder to reach

I want to be open, but part of me still guards my heart

Our discussions sometimes spiral or end unresolved

It’s hard to feel close because our physical intimacy hasn’t felt strong lately

We often see things differently about goals or priorities

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less