There is a reason why many fairy tales, movies, and romantic comedies end with the hero kissing the heroine or a simple proposal and sometimes a wedding. Falling in love is easy but staying in love after being married can be very difficult. So how do you keep the romance going?
According to John Gottman to keep the romance going once credits start rolling on the screen is what he talks about in What Makes Love Last?: How To Build Trust And Avoid Betrayal. John Gottman is a famous marriage researcher and a relationship counselor that claims that it is possible to predict whether your relationship will end in heartbreak or will succeed.
He claims that once the “falling in love” phase gets finished (which is a very hormonal driven time), the couples move to the next phase which is the “Can I trust you?” phase. At this point, a person starts wondering about their priority in the life of their partner.
As you start to question whether you are more important than your partner’s family, friends, and work, you begin to build loyalty in your relationship or fall in a series of betrayal even before there is an actual betrayal.
You may start acting in ways that may give birth to betrayal. Similarly, you may act in a way that creates loyalty. The key Gottman believes to be a nurturing ground of love is by cherishing your partner.
During this phase of love, it is important that you feel that your partner has your best interest at heart.
But the question arises what makes love last? Keep on reading to find out.
What makes love last
In Gottman’s book, he describes the five points that allow him to predict the nature of the relationship and find out whether it will last or not last. These five points are:
1. Admiration and fondness
Happy couples tend to talk about their tales and adventure with a specific kind of affection, warmth, and respect for one another.
These couples make use of spontaneous compliments and appreciation of each other.
Couples that have a weak admiration and fondness between them tend to think of an unfavorable first impression of their significant other.
2. Me-ness vs. We-ness
Happy and successful couples tend to relate and think about stories where they work better as a unit. They believe that they are in it together and this thought is very intense to both partners.
The clue that shows how a relationship will end is not their inability to solve an argument or a fight but the reason why they are stuck in it; which is that both partners focus on me and not we.
3. Knowing your partner
Detailed descriptions between a couple clearly indicate that they respect one another and continue to understand the other person’s point of view. Happy couples tend to care what their partners think, what makes them happy and this positive energy radiates in their marriage.
Couples who are not ready to know one another and lose this connection will not be interested in knowing about each other; they will guard their private life and remain impersonal.
4. Adoring your struggles
Couples who think of their relationship history as chaos are usually very unhappy with the present. They avoid telling stories about learning from their negative experience and getting back up when things get hard.
However, happy couples take pride in surviving with one another during difficult times.
They glorify their struggles by focusing on how their struggles help in strengthening their relationship.
5. Satisfaction vs. disappointment
When couples feel as if they are splitting, they express disappointment at how their relationship turned out to be and is not what it should have been.
On the other hand, satisfied partners think that their relationship has met and excelled at all expectations even when reviewing the choices, they have made in the past.
Keep in mind that it is the small moments that are important. These moments help in respecting, honoring your relationship and help in making love last.