17 Signs of Toxic In-Laws & How to Deal With Them?

Sometimes, the people who should feel like family end up causing the most confusion and emotional stress. Maybe it’s the mother-in-law who says, “You should do things our way…” or the father-in-law who comments, “Why aren’t you more like…?”—little remarks that sting more than they seem to. 

You might notice tension building during small moments: the raised eyebrows, the sighs, the subtle digs that make you wonder what you did wrong. When these patterns repeat, they can leave anyone feeling overwhelmed, unsure, or quietly hurt… especially when dealing with toxic in-laws.

How can toxic in-laws affect you and your marriage?

Toxic in-laws can quietly wear you down—emotionally, mentally, and even physically. Constant criticism, comparisons, or boundary-pushing can create tension at home, make you question yourself, and slowly strain the connection between you and your partner. 

It often shows up as stress, frequent arguments, or feeling like you’re never “good enough,” no matter how hard you try.

Example: If your toxic parents-in-law constantly say things like, “You don’t take care of him the way we did,” your partner may feel pressured to take sides. This creates emotional distance between both of you, even if neither of you intended it.

Please note:

None of this means you’re doing anything wrong. You deserve peace, respect, and support. With time, healthy communication and boundaries can help you protect your marriage and your well-being—even when dealing with toxic in-laws.

17 signs of toxic in-laws & How to handle them

Toxic in-laws can create tension, emotional stress, and unnecessary pressure in your relationship, often through criticism, control, or boundary-crossing. 

Understanding these behaviors and learning how to deal with toxic in-laws can help you protect your peace and strengthen your marriage.

1. Constant criticism

When your in-laws are toxic and criticize you regularly—whether it’s about your parenting, lifestyle choices, or even your appearance—it can feel like nothing you do is ever good enough. This constant negativity can chip away at your self-esteem and create tension in your marriage.

Over time, you may start to dread interactions with them, anticipating their harsh words and judgment. This pattern of behavior often leaves you feeling defeated, questioning your own choices, and doubting your worth.

How to deal with them

• Protect your self-worth by recognizing that their criticism reflects their issues, not yours.
• Set boundaries around what you’re willing to discuss, and consider limiting your interactions to avoid unnecessary stress. 
• Communicate with your spouse about how this criticism affects you, and work together to present a united front.

2. Boundary violations

Toxic in-laws often disregard your boundaries, whether by showing up unannounced, meddling in your personal affairs, or imposing their opinions on your decisions. These actions can make you feel disrespected and overwhelmed.

You might notice that they continually push against your limits, ignoring your requests for space or privacy. This lack of respect can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration, making it difficult to maintain a sense of control over your own life and household.

How to deal with them

• Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations, and be consistent in enforcing them. 
• It may be necessary to have a frank conversation with your in-laws about what is and isn’t acceptable. 
• If they continue to violate your boundaries, you might need to limit your interactions with them to protect your peace of mind.

3. Undermining your parenting

If your in-laws frequently question or override your parenting decisions, it can create confusion and frustration, both for you and your children. This behavior can undermine your authority as a parent and strain your relationship with your spouse.

You might find that your children become confused about who is in charge or that they start to question your decisions. This ongoing interference can make you feel powerless and can erode the trust and unity that are essential in co-parenting.

How to deal with them

• It’s important to have a conversation with your spouse to ensure you’re both on the same page regarding parenting decisions. 
• Together, you can present a unified front to your in-laws, making it clear that your parenting choices are not up for debate.
•  If the undermining continues, consider limiting their involvement in situations where they might interfere.

4. Playing the victim

Toxic in-laws often portray themselves as the victims, twisting situations to make you appear as the one at fault. This manipulation can leave you feeling guilty, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. 

You might notice that they consistently shift the blame onto you, making it seem like you’re the problem in every conflict. This tactic can be emotionally draining, as it forces you to defend yourself and question your own perceptions of reality constantly.

How to deal with them

• Recognize their victim-playing for what it is—a manipulation tactic. Stay calm and avoid getting drawn into their narrative. 
• Instead of trying to defend yourself, stick to the facts and keep the focus on the issue at hand.
•  It’s also helpful to discuss these dynamics with your spouse so they can support you and help maintain a healthy perspective.

5. Comparing you to others

Being constantly compared to others—whether it’s a sibling, a friend, or even an ex—can be incredibly damaging. Toxic in-laws may do this to make you feel inadequate or to assert their power over you. 

These comparisons can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity as you struggle to measure up to an unrealistic standard. Over time, this can erode your self-confidence and make you question your place within the family.

How to deal with them

• It’s important to remind yourself that these comparisons are unfair and often stem from their insecurities or biases. 
• Instead of engaging with their comparisons, focus on your strengths and the unique qualities you bring to your relationship. 
• If the comparisons continue, calmly express how these comments make you feel and ask them to stop.

6. Exclusion from family events

If your in-laws frequently exclude you from family gatherings or make you feel unwelcome, it can be a clear sign of toxic behavior. This exclusion can leave you feeling isolated and hurt, especially when your spouse is caught in the middle. 

You may find yourself on the outside looking in, watching as they create memories without you. This sense of exclusion can deepen feelings of loneliness and alienation, making it difficult to feel like a valued member of the family.

How to deal with them

• Talk to your spouse about how this exclusion affects you and explore ways to address it together. 
• If the exclusion persists, consider whether it’s worth attending events where you’re not genuinely welcome. 
• Focusing on building your own support network outside of these toxic dynamics can also help you feel more connected and valued.

7. Gossiping about you

Toxic in-laws often engage in gossip, spreading rumors, or talking negatively about you behind your back. This behavior can create a toxic environment and damage your relationships with other family members. 

You might hear about the hurtful things they’ve said through the grapevine or notice a shift in how other relatives treat you. This can lead to feelings of betrayal and mistrust as you realize that your in-laws are actively working to undermine your reputation and relationships.

How to deal with them

• If you discover that your in-laws are gossiping about you, consider addressing the issue calmly and directly with them.
• Let them know that you’re aware of what’s being said and that such behavior is hurtful and unacceptable.
• Strengthen your relationships with other family members by being open and transparent about your feelings, which can help counteract the negative effects of gossip.

8. Manipulating your spouse

When your in-laws manipulate your spouse—whether by guilt-tripping, playing favorites, or controlling their decisions—it can create significant tension in your marriage. This manipulation can make you feel powerless and strain your relationship.

You might notice that your spouse becomes more distant or defensive after interacting with their parents, as they struggle to balance their loyalty to you with the demands of their family. This dynamic can create a wedge between you, making it difficult to maintain a strong and supportive partnership.

How to deal with them

• Open communication with your spouse is key. Share your observations and feelings without placing blame, and work together to establish boundaries that protect your marriage. 
• Encourage your spouse to recognize the manipulation and assert their independence from their parents’ control. 
• Supporting each other in this process can strengthen your bond and reduce the impact of the manipulation.

9. Disrespecting your marriage

Toxic in-laws may show a lack of respect for your marriage by interfering in your relationship, making negative comments, or even trying to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. This disrespect can create feelings of insecurity and resentment.

You might find that they undermine your decisions as a couple or question your commitment to each other. Over time, this can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication as you struggle to protect your relationship from their influence.

How to deal with them

• Stand firm in your commitment to each other and refuse to let their disrespect undermine your marriage. 
• Make it clear to your in-laws that your relationship with your spouse is a priority and that any attempts to interfere will not be tolerated.
• Encourage your spouse also to take a stand, which will reinforce your unity as a couple.

10. Creating drama

If your in-laws thrive on creating drama, whether by stirring up conflicts, spreading rumors, or exaggerating situations, it can make family gatherings feel exhausting and stressful. This constant drama can take a toll on your mental health and your relationship.

You might dread family events, knowing that they’ll likely be filled with tension and conflict. This atmosphere of chaos can make it difficult to relax and enjoy time with your loved ones, leaving you feeling drained and on edge.

How to deal with them

• Minimize your exposure to the drama by limiting your involvement in situations where it tends to arise.
•  If possible, focus on maintaining a calm and neutral presence during interactions, refusing to engage in or escalate the drama.
• Discuss with your spouse ways to protect your peace, whether that means leaving early, taking breaks, or skipping certain events altogether.

11. Refusing to acknowledge your feelings

When your in-laws dismiss or ignore your feelings, it can leave you feeling invalidated and unheard. This refusal to acknowledge your emotions is a form of emotional manipulation and can make you question your own experiences.

You might notice that they brush off your concerns or tell you that you’re overreacting. This can lead to feelings of frustration and self-doubt as you struggle to assert your needs and have your emotions taken seriously.

How to deal with them

• Validate your own feelings first and foremost, recognizing that your emotions are legitimate and deserve respect. 
• When addressing your in-laws, be assertive in expressing how their dismissal of your feelings affects you.
• If they continue to invalidate you, consider distancing yourself from toxic in-laws emotionally and focusing on relationships that are more supportive.

12. Sabotaging your plans

Toxic in-laws might go out of their way to disrupt or sabotage your plans, whether by canceling at the last minute, making conflicting arrangements, or creating obstacles. This behavior can be frustrating and can make you feel like you’re constantly on edge.

You might notice that your plans often seem to fall apart when they get involved or that they create unnecessary complications that derail your efforts. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and resentment as you struggle to maintain control over your own life.

How to deal with them

• Anticipate potential disruptions and have backup plans in place to mitigate their impact.
• Be clear and firm when making arrangements with your in-laws, and don’t be afraid to call out sabotage when it occurs.
• Protect your peace by not allowing their behavior to derail your plans—remain flexible and focus on what you can control.

13. Expecting you to choose sides

Toxic in-laws may try to create division by forcing you or your spouse to choose sides in conflicts, often putting you in an uncomfortable position. This can strain your marriage and create unnecessary tension. 

You might feel like you’re constantly being pulled in different directions, with your in-laws demanding loyalty at the expense of your relationship. This dynamic can lead to feelings of guilt and confusion as you struggle to navigate the competing demands of your family and your spouse.

How to deal with them

• Refuse to engage in their attempts to create division. Make it clear that you and your spouse are a team and that your loyalty lies with each other. 
• Encourage your spouse also to resist being forced to choose sides and focus on making decisions that are best for your relationship. 
• This united front can help prevent further attempts to divide you.

14. Using guilt as a weapon

Guilt is a common tool used by toxic in-laws to control and manipulate those around them. They might make you feel guilty for not spending enough time with them, for not doing things their way, or for simply living your life according to your own values. 

This guilt-tripping can wear you down over time and damage your self-esteem. You might find yourself constantly trying to appease them, even at the expense of your own happiness and well-being. 

This dynamic can leave you feeling trapped and resentful as you struggle to assert your own needs and desires.

How to deal with them

• Recognize the guilt-tripping for what it is—a manipulative tactic meant to control your behavior. 
• Stand firm in your decisions and values, and remind yourself that you’re not obligated to live your life according to their expectations. 
• Communicate your boundaries clearly, and don’t be afraid to distance yourself if the guilt becomes too overwhelming.

15. Invading your privacy

If your in-laws frequently invade your privacy—whether by snooping, asking intrusive questions, or showing up unannounced—it can feel like a violation of your personal space. This lack of respect for your boundaries is a clear sign of toxic behavior.

You might notice that they constantly push against your limits, ignoring your requests for space or privacy. This can lead to feelings of frustration and helplessness as you struggle to maintain a sense of control over your own life and household.

How to deal with them

• Set clear boundaries regarding your privacy and enforce them consistently. Let your in-laws know that their behavior is invasive and unacceptable. 
• If they continue to disregard your boundaries, consider limiting their access to your home and personal information. 
• Protecting your privacy is essential for maintaining a sense of security and control in your own life.

16. Competing for your spouse’s attention

Toxic in-laws might compete for your spouse’s attention, whether by demanding their time, emotional energy, or loyalty. This competition can create tension in your marriage and make you feel like you’re constantly battling for your partner’s affection.

You might notice that your spouse becomes more distant or defensive after interacting with their parents, as they struggle to balance their loyalty to you with the demands of their family. 

This dynamic can create a wedge between you, making it difficult to maintain a strong and supportive partnership.

How to deal with them

• Encourage your spouse to recognize the unhealthy dynamic and to set boundaries that prioritize your relationship. 
• Together, you can create a plan for managing your in-laws’ demands in a way that supports your marriage. 
• It’s important to communicate openly about how this competition affects both of you and to work together to ensure that your relationship remains the priority.

Watch this TED Talk by Johnson Chong, a mindfulness teacher, who shares how self-awareness, boundaries, and healing inner wounds can improve toxic family relationships.

17. Refusing to apologize

One of the most telling signs of toxic in-laws is their refusal to apologize, even when they have clearly hurt or offended you. This lack of accountability can make it difficult to resolve conflicts and move forward. 

You might find that they consistently shift the blame onto you, making it seem like you’re the problem in every conflict. 

This refusal to take responsibility can be incredibly frustrating and can leave you feeling stuck as you struggle to find a way to move past the hurt and repair the relationship.

How to deal with them

• Accept that you may never receive the apology you deserve, and focus on what you can control—your own healing and peace of mind.
• Instead of waiting for an apology that may never come, work on setting boundaries that protect you from further harm. 
• Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences and help you move forward without holding on to unresolved resentment.

Moving forward

Dealing with toxic in-laws can be emotionally draining, but it doesn’t have to define your marriage or peace of mind. When you recognize unhealthy patterns and set firm, loving boundaries, you protect not just yourself but your relationship, too.

Open communication with your partner, mutual support, and consistent teamwork can slowly shift the dynamic. Remember, you deserve respect, space, and emotional safety—both inside and outside your home. 

With patience and clarity, you can create a healthier environment, even when toxic in-laws make things challenging.

Marriage.com Assessment

Quiz: How Healthy Are Your Family Dynamics?

Family dynamics are at the heart of how we experience love, safety, and belonging. They shape the way we communicate, handle stress, and connect with one another. Often, we don’t fully notice these patterns until tension or distance starts to a...

Questions: 20 | Last updated: Oct 27, 2025

Sample Question

When a disagreement happens in your family, what’s most likely to follow?

We tend to argue or avoid each other for a while

Things feel tense, but eventually we move on without talking it through

Someone tries to lighten the mood or shift focus to happier things.

Older family members step in to mediate or share advice

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Expert Q&A

I stay with my in-laws; they behave properly with me in front of my husband, but their behavior changes when he leaves for work. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he refuses to listen and says that his parents are not wrong because they never behave badly with me in front of him. What can I do now?

Anne Duvaux

Coach

Expert Answer

The best way to deal with a problem is to face it directly, even if it feels vulnerable or risks conflict. This is really about honouring and stating your boundaries; something we all have a right, even a duty, to do. Healthy boundaries make things clearer for others and increase harmony. In practice, it’s most effective to talk to your in-laws yourself rather than relying on your husband. Repairing the bond directly will strengthen the relationship, whereas if he steps in, the issue with your in-laws would remain unresolved. The goal isn’t to assign blame but to encourage open discussion. The non-violent communication framework is especially useful: use phrases like “I feel” and “I need” to defuse anger and connect through shared humanity. This opens space for empathy and mutual understanding. Since this doesn’t come naturally, practicing by writing things out beforehand can help you stay focused.

What do I do if my husband refuses to stand up for me or confront his parents? This has been a source of contention in our marriage for the last 26 years.

Anne Duvaux

Coach

Expert Answer

Breaking away from parents and standing up to them is a very tough process, and the motivations for not doing it are buried very deeply in the psyche. In addition, the habits of behaviours that you observe between your husband and his parents, regardless of whether they are healthy or not, are often 5 or 7 generations old. What this means is that even if your husband wanted to stand up to his parents, his subconsciousness and driving emotions might not allow him to. Instead of letting it become a source of contention, how can you flip this round into a problem to co-solve? Start by asking him open questions that start with the words "what" or "how." For example, how does he feel about the relationship with his parents? What works for him, and what doesn't? How does he feel towards his parents? How does he see the future unfold between you and his parents? The aim here is to get curious about his reality, which encourages him to open up and soften so that you don't both dissolve into defensiveness where you protect your respective camps. You can then still add your reality, and that's where using I-statements or the non-violent communication framework to state how you feel without sounding like you're blaming can be a useful approach. Remember that when you then ask for whatever it is you need, take very tiny baby steps. I know it's painful to watch from the outside, but changing your husband's psyche and approach towards his parents will take time and a lot of compassion from both of you.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less