Spontaneous Sex: 15 Reasons Why You Should Try It

After a few years of being together or being married, let’s face it, sex hasn’t been that exciting. It may seem to be an obligation, a routine even, and sometimes, we just miss that hot, spontaneous sex that we used to have.

Is it because we’re too busy? Or maybe everything has become too familiar? Oh, don’t forget the kids.

Do you wish to feel like a rebellious teenager again? Then, if so, you need to know how impromptu sex is done and why you should try it!

What is spontaneous sex?

First, let’s dispel a myth. No, no one has sex like they do in Hollywood films. Perhaps you remember your sex being off the cuff, hot and steamy when you were in your 20s. 

The chances are that you primed your brain in preparation without realizing it. When we get ready for a date, maybe with some music and a drink, we’re getting ourselves ready for possibilities. 

Assuming both people are excited about the date, they’re then both willing and ready. They build up anticipation and emotions in preparation that naturally lead to flirting and then sex.

In fact, as this study on the myth of sexual spontaneity shows, we are programmed by society to follow a script. You’ll see from the diagram on page 5 in the study that we expect to meet someone, we flirt into some foreplay and then we have amazing sex. 

Sadly, this sets most of us up for disappointment. Don’t despair though because the study continues to show that communication is at the heart of great sex. In essence, it doesn’t matter if it’s scheduled, routine or impulsive. 

And spontaneous rarely actually happens.

If you don’t know each other’s needs and desires, you will never have the amazing sex the media rave about. 

Having said that, once you have communication, you can have spontaneous sex in marriage. 

Of course you have to be creative and do some planning but you can spice things up. Nevertheless, you can make things feel spontaneous and exciting with a little bit of structure and preplanning.  

Why you should have spontaneous sex?

Today, everyone is busy.

The reality is, we don’t even have time to do the things that we want, including sex. When was the last time that you had explosive sex?

That kind of sex doesn’t just happen. Instead, you need to make time, including giving yourself enough time to fully enjoy foreplay.  

What happened to that fun, exciting way to have sex? This dilemma is a very common situation for couples, married or not.

They just find themselves in a routine of scheduled sex. That’s it. No more spontaneous or scheduled sex that can satisfy one’s carnal desires.

This has got to stop! What if we told you there’s a way to spice up your sex life? You’re correct; knowing how to be more spontaneous in bed, and creative, can make a huge difference. 

Though, you might want to ask, why is it so good?

Spontaneous sex that’s built on deep communication and intimacy with creativity and fun is amazing because of the connection. Things are exciting also because you’re trying new things. You might even be breaking out into new locations and perhaps trying out new moves. 

All of this allows you to enjoy sex more fully. You build your confidence because you talk about your inner desires with someone else. 

Being vulnerable and yet supported by your partner is a wonderful experience. As psychologist Karen Young explains in her article on vulnerability in relationships, it deepens your intimacy. 

How to have spontaneous sex that creates such an experience requires you to let go, be curious and laugh at yourself at times. 

10 ways to have spontaneous sex

Being impulsive and wild, so to speak, means letting go of anxiety and fear. This can take time and patience which is again why you need mature communication with your partner. 

So, support each other as you take baby steps in trying out new things. Don’t go so fast that you overwhelm each other. 

As this psychology study on having a happy sex life states, the secret is hard work and effort. Amazing sex doesn’t just happen but sexual growth and increased satisfaction can. 

Use this list as the starting point for your journey for sexual growth. 

1. Drop the schedule

Marking a calendar when you will have sex is more than just boring. Then again, if you don’t make time for each other, chances are you’ll get lost in delivering your to-do list. 

When you plan time together, don’t make it so clinical as a calendar appointment. Instead, leave sexy post-it notes around the house or seductive voicemails. 

2. Let go of your inhibitions

Many people are shy about initiating sex or they have performance issues. It’s easy to say let go of your inhibitions but if you don’t have your partner’s support, it will never happen. 

Depending on your situation, you might want to talk to a therapist. Regardless, the aim is to get to know your fear so that you can let it go and move on.

Try reframing things and asking yourself what do you have to lose? In summary, a loving partner will never judge you.

3. Walk away from overworking

How to be more spontaneous sexually means not being a workaholic. And yet, so many of us are. 

You can’t really enjoy yourself if your powerpoint slides are still flipping through in your head. Why not remind yourself of the benefits of sex? 

Finally, the workaholic in you will love the physical and psychological benefits. 

4. Reconnect with your flirtatious side 

This time, combine flirting and appreciation. It works wonders. It all starts with being comfortable with each other.

Send random texts, compliment them, smile, and look at your partner with loving eyes. Besides, if you have resentments or if you are making your partner feel that they aren’t important, do you think this will work?

5. Be creative with your location 

One of the best, fun spontaneous sex ideas is to try a different place. You can even mix it up by including other sexy ideas such as talking dirty or using sex toys. 

Whatever it is, be creative and have fun together. 

6. Explore suggestive texting 

How to have spontaneous sex needs communication but that doesn’t mean it’s always serious. 

Be playful and send sexy messages. Perhaps share your favorite part from last time? Or that you want to try to go for round three? 

7. Plan a sexy date night (role play underwear etc 

How to be spontaneous sexually needs a bit of planning. The art is to get the right balance so that it feels off the cuff. 

The more you prepare and prime your brain, the more likely you’ll have amazing sex. Moreover, you need to make time for each other so you can connect emotionally both before and during sex. 

Check this quiz on emotional affairs if you want to gauge how you feel towards your relationship. 

8. Share your fantasies 

How to be spontaneous in bed means being open about what’s really going on in your mind. 

You can start with easy role play if you’re nervous. Be that hot nurse or strict but sexy teacher or whatever else appeals to you. 

Related Reading:- 25 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

9. Work on your surprises 

Spontaneous sex ideas include simply turning up out of the blue, perhaps at their office. Again though, without communication, this could end up in disaster. 

So, talk to each other about what kind of surprises you like. This isn’t about taking the surprise out of the surprise. It’s about knowing what your partner will enjoy and then timing it just right. 

Related Reading:- 10 Ways to Thrill and Surprise Your Special Someone

10. Schedule your sex time 

How to be spontaneous sexually means thinking ahead. For instance, a romantic hotel room doesn’t just magic itself out of thin air. 

You can also cook together your favorite foods and even have food foreplay. If in doubt, there are numerous Hollywood films that can give you some clues. Just remember that they put in some planning to make sure it comes out just right. 

Related Reading:- Why Sex Scheduling Is Not a Dirty Word

How in the ‘spur-of-the-moment’ is your sex life? 

If you’re clinging onto the dream of spontaneous sex like in the movies, your first challenge is to let that go. Human life isn’t meant to be perfect and easy. Clearly, that’s a hard truth to get used to.

Life is about balance. Yes, you need creative and fun sex but you must think ahead in order to have it. You can still be impulsive and have amazing welcome-home sex, for example. Nevertheless, don’t time it after your partner has had a tough day.

You need to be aligned and communicative to have off-the-cuff sex. Whilst that might sound paradoxical, the key is how you approach it. So, don’t get out a clipboard with a to-do list of role plays to get through. 

Instead, plan your date nights and get used to talking openly about sex and all the fun stuff that goes with it. Boost each other’s confidence by daring to share your deepest desires. 

Make a point of sending joyful and sedative messages at random times during the week.

You’ll then reap the benefits of sex. Your mental health will improve and you’ll look great from all that exercise. 

15 reasons to have spontaneous sex

There are many benefits of having sex from physical health to mental well-being. When it comes to being spontaneous, some people will find that easier than others. 

In the end, you want to trigger your desire and then fulfill it. Besides, the more you do this, the more your sex life will increase. 

That includes scheduled sex time. Whilst it doesn’t sound sexy, with time, your brain starts anticipating sex. Moreover, you’re now primed and in a better state of mind to encourage amazing sex. 

So, focus on your sexual growth and enjoy some, if not all, of the following benefits. 

1. Boost your self-esteem

Intimate sex, whether spontaneous or not, connects you deeply with another person. This boosts your confidence and overall self-esteem because you feel loved and valued. You matter in someone else’s life. 

Related Reading:- 10 Ways On How Low Self Esteem Affects a Relationship

2. Trigger your happy hormones 

Spontaneous sex ideas for couples are all about getting a boost of our favorite happy hormones. For instance, these include dopamine, oxytocin and even some endorphins. 

After all, sex is a form of exercise even if it is inextricably linked with our emotional needs. Again though, all those happy hormones can only make a lasting difference to your mood if your relationship is built on trust and open communication. 

3. It drives open communication 

How to be spontaneous in a relationship starts with communication. We can’t repeat it enough. Of course it isn’t easy because we have to let go of our issues. 

Sometimes that means healing our attachment issues with a therapist. Other childhood traumas could also be sneaking into your relationship to destroy communication. 

Listen to therapist Katie Hood talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships if you want to discover more. Most importantly, she reminds us that we can never be perfect but we continue to work together.

4. Sex builds intimacy 

When having sex with a long-term partner, we have to be vulnerable. We let them see all our naked bits that we might not necessarily like. 

In return, they show us their love and commitment despite not being perfect. This necessarily deepens the bond. 

5. Taps into your imagination 

Spontaneous sex in marriage needs creativity. Tap into your dreams and live more freely than ever before. You’ll discover a whole new you and take your relationship to a different level. 

As the poet Yeats said, “in dreams begins responsibility”. In essence, you are responsible for making your dreams a reality. At the same time, you trigger your desire. The two go together. 

6. It can reignite your sex drive 

Spontaneous love that breaks up your routine can restart your spark. Even just talking about sex games, for instance, can be enough to get you going. 

7. You feel free

Organizing spontaneous sex such that you overcome the paradox of planned versus surprised makes you feel free. In those moments there are no kids, no responsibilities and no to-do list. We all need times like that in our lives.

Related Reading:- Learn to Feel Free in a Committed Relationship

8. Get excitement into your life 

Spontaneous sex ideas for couples get you out of boredom. Excitement is the opposite of boredom. It motivates you, it gets you going and not just during sex. Consequently, you’ll find your mind overflowing with ideas in other areas of your life. 

9. Breaks the routine 

Living in groundhog day can lead to demotivation, depression and despair in general. We’re not saying that change is easy though so start with baby steps. 

Why not encourage each other with some playful competition? For example, the last one who walks through the door after work gets to choose where you’re having sex that night. 

10. Improves your listening 

Spontaneous sex doesn’t just happen. You need to know and understand each other’s needs and desires. Moreover, you need to pay attention to their moods as well as yours. 

If either of you is stressed, deal with that first. As you then talk things through the issue, you never know, that intimate conversation could be the surprise starter for sex.

11. Learn to play 

Most people forget to play and assume it’s something that only children do. In reality, Dr. Dan Siegel puts playtime as one of the major components in his healthy mind platter for optimal well-being.

Make “play” up as you go along. For example, you could try new hobbies or even play a board game. You can also be playful with your role play in the bedroom or what you wear, or not wear, in bed. Part of the fun is working out what works for you as a couple. 

12. Reconnect to each other’s needs 

How to be spontaneous in a relationship means understanding what triggers each other’s desires. So, are you the thinking type that appreciates words or the visual type? What about your partner? 

Then again, what do you need from the relationship? For example, are you more about belonging or safety? What about your partner? All those questions will guide you as to how to make sex more fun and off the cuff, even if slightly planned. 

13. Practice saying yes 

Having spontaneous sex means saying yes. Of course, you assume your partner knows you and isn’t going to suggest anything too outrageous that will only scare you. 

The more you say yes, the more you open possibilities. Then, your mind starts anticipating the next yes. Most importantly, the word yes starts infiltrating the rest of your life. 

With the word yes, you welcome gratitude and positivity. 

Related Reading:- 5 Relationship Practices to Follow When Life Hits You Hard

14. Prioritize your relationship 

When you reignite your version of spontaneous love, you prioritize yourself and your partner. Then, your mind becomes more aware as you start planning surprises or buying new underwear. 

You start wondering what your partner will like and in turn, this makes you more attentive. The overall dynamic deepens and you enter a beautiful cycle of love, kindness and joy. 

15. Fall in love all over again 

How to be spontaneous in bed is about welcoming change. The kind of change that makes you grow. In the process, you rediscover things about yourself and your partner as well as embrace new discoveries. 

You don’t just fall in love again. You fall in love again with the new you and your new couple’s dynamic. 

Takeaway

What is spontaneous sex? Simply put, it’s a myth. Sex doesn’t just happen. It needs work and effort like everything else. Nevertheless, there are easy things you can do to make sex fun again. You might have a structure in place but it can still feel off the cuff. 

Being spontaneous is about letting go of your fear and being vulnerable. So, share your fantasies, try out new role plays in bed and challenge yourselves on who sends the sexiest messages.How to be more spontaneous sexually is about having fun whilst being creative. In other words, you turn your imagination into reality and use your desires to draw yourselves closer together. Talk about those desires, laugh about and create that shared feeling that sparks amazing sex and a deeper relationship.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less

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