Are you and your wife talking about separation? Or perhaps you’re thinking about it, but haven’t told her yet. The decision of separating from wife is scary – but it can also feel like the only option. Is separation a good idea?
But what if it isn’t, despite some of the predictable, glaring signs that it’s time to separate?
Of course in some cases, a marriage truly has run its course, and certainly, in cases of abuse, it’s necessary to step away. Also, when there is a mental, psychological, or financial drain on an individual in a relationship, then the answer to the question, “Is separation good for marriage?” lies in an affirmative.
But some marriages can be saved, with a few simple changes and a strong commitment to work together on repairing the relationship and overcoming resentment.
So, before you ask yourself how to separate from a spouse, or when to separate, it would more appropriate to ask yourself, “Is separation good for a marriage?”, “Does separation work to save a marriage?”.
Whether your wife wants to separate, or as a man you sense yourself, contemplating “Should I separate from my wife?”, try to understand why are the issues occurring in your marital partnership, and if there is any genuine, legit reason for separation.
If you’re considering separating from your wife moving forward to live as separated married couples, try these 11 things first.
1. Be honest with yourself
Before separating from your wife, it’s important to be really honest with yourself. Ask yourself:
Why do you really want to end the marriage? Sometimes you truly want it to end, but sometimes what you actually want is for things to change. Anticipating a change should not be confused with any of the reasons to separate from a spouse.
Are you blaming your wife unfairly for your own unhappiness? Sometimes what we really need is to pay more attention to our own needs and take better care of our own well being instead of expecting our partner to do it.
2. Be honest with your partner
You’ll need to be honest with your wife, too. Talking openly about relationship problems is fraught at the best of times, so do your best to approach the subject with kindness and compassion – the discussion is much more likely to have a positive outcome and circumvent your decision of separating from wife.
3. Admit your flaws
Nobody is perfect – that’s just being human. But it’s all too easy to blame your wife for everything wrong in your marriage without looking at your own behavior.
Ask yourself honestly if there are ways you could be a better partner. Taking responsibility will make it easier to work together towards mending the relationship.
4. Identify and communicate your needs
Identifying and communicating your needs, and encouraging your wife to do the same, can help mend your marriage. Sometimes a problem is as simple as not communicating your needs clearly, and thus not having them met.
Be honest with yourselves and each other about what you each need from the relationship.
5. Learn each other’s relationship style and love language
Some need a lot of physical affection. Some show love by making sweet gestures, others show it by doing practical things like taking out the trash. Get to know each other’s relationship style so you can understand each other better.
6. Learn healthy communication
Healthy communication is important at every stage of marriage and never more so than when you are trying to save one.
Learn to talk without accusing and listen without judging so that you and your wife both have the space to be heard and validated. When there is open and honest communication, the option of separating from wife may not even cross your mind.
7. Ask the right questions
If you’re thinking about separating from wife, chances are things are already pretty fraught. You’ll probably be asking questions like “what went wrong?” or “why does she do that / doesn’t do this?”
Instead, try asking your wife questions such as “what would make you happier in our marriage? How can I be a better partner to you?”, and encourage her to ask you the same questions in return.
8. Make time for each other
Feeling disconnected is fatal for a marriage. But it is definitely not the stage to ask each other when to separate in marriage.
Separating from wife is not a decision to be taken overnight, despite any of the stir-crazy circumstances in your marital life.
Make time each week to do something you both enjoy (pick something that doesn’t generally cause arguments!) Take a little time each day to check in with each other and just talk about yourselves and each other, instead of about work, family or your problems.
9. Try something new
If you’re stuck in a rut, it’s time to get out of it, instead of thinking of separating from wife.
Talk to your wife about taking a class together, trying a new hobby, or even checking out a new restaurant or cinema. Doing something new together might just be enough to rekindle your connection and restore your faith in your relationship.
Instead of separating from wife, be honest with yourself about whether you can foresee a happy future with your wife. It’s also helpful to learn to let the little things go.
If she’s untidier than you or has a habit of procrastinating, can you live with it? Letting the little things go makes space for you both to focus on what really matters – your values, your aims, and the reasons you got married in the first place.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.