Given how popular culture portrays men, one might wonder in awe why on earth some men may not want sex. However, this is not uncommon, not at all. There are many reasons for this decline in sexual desire in married men and they are complex and mutually intertwined. Some are relationship-related, and some aren’t. And they all have slightly different solutions, which is essential to understand them. Let’s go over four main reasons why this might be the case in your marriage.
1. Loss of attraction
Let’s get the big one out of the way first. Most women, when their husbands don’t really want to have sex with them anymore, jump to a conclusion that they’re not attractive anymore. Although, as we will discuss in a bit, this can and often does have other causes, this is also a valid concern. However, don’t fall into despair right away, as there are also solutions to this problem.
Although some men, same as some women, are asexual and as such experience significant or absolute disinterest in sex, chances are your husband isn’t. If he used to be sexual with you, it probably isn’t the case now. So, what changed?
Unfortunately, men are hardwired to change partners so that they increase the chances of passing their genes on. Which might be the reason why he lost desire toward you.
However, the same way that his desire declined, it can also be reignited again. In marriage, sexual desire is a complex matter. It is a mix of how well the couple functions on every level, of pure physical attraction, of how much effort it’s being put into maintaining the eroticism in the relationship. Explore which one of these factors might be jeopardizing his desire for you and then find ways to work on it.
2. An affair
Another big reason why men may not want sex is every woman’s worst fear, which is that her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her because he is satiated – with someone else.
Although infidelity is a major blow and a trauma for every relationship and for the cheated-on person, all is not lost.
Yes, sometimes men start changing their sexual behavior towards their wives for no apparent reason. And yes, sometimes this truly is due to him having an affair.
Recuperating from an affair is one of the most difficult experiences that you’ll ever have to go through. However, it is possible. You need to work on forgiving, on rebuilding trust, on tackling the reasons that led to him seeking the company of another woman (or women). And, importantly, you’ll need to find your way back to each other sexually.
Research has shown that women, given evolutionary differences, find it easier to forgive sexual infidelity. They also decide more often not to break the relationship up. So, if you decide to continue with your marriage, it’s a good idea to see a therapist who knows how to help you overcome all the dilemmas, insecurities, obsessive thoughts, and everything else that comes to your mind and prevents you both from restoring your sex life.
Many women whose husbands gradually stop expressing interest in having sex with them report that there were signs along the way. They maybe weren’t that sexual from the get-go. Or they seemed overly insecure at the slightest sign of disapproval from their then-girlfriend. Unfortunately, this sort of performance anxiety tends to increase with time if not approached appropriately.
Men suffer from a conviction (often supported by women’s behavior) that their identity and worth are mirrored in their sexual performance.
This, understandably, can often cause a lot of problems in the bedroom. As a form of coping with it, some men simply chose to avoid the anxiety-evoking situation altogether. Inadequate understanding of the situation and reactions by the wife only complicate things further, so seeking professional help is the right way to deal with this cause of sexless marriage.
4. Pure lust that meets no response
On the opposite side of things is the situation when men do experience sexual desire, but they aren’t in sync with their partner. At the beginning of their relationship they probably both were in the lust phase. In specific, many men sometimes just want to jump right into bone-breaking wild sex out of pure lust.
When women don’t reciprocate the need to have sex, this could be one of the reasons why may not want sex.
And many women just aren’t tuned into that, especially after years of marriage and too many daily chores and stresses. To mend this problem, and to avoid many others stemming from his sexual frustration (such as avoiding sex, to begin with), try talking about your needs openly. Discuss what you can do together as a couple, and as individuals in the relationship, to make things more enjoyable for both of you.