A lot of questions may have flooded your mind about your recurring ex – “Is it possible he’s still in love with me?”, “Is he trying to make things work again?” or “Is he just using me?”
This situation can be quite confusing and hurtful if you can’t answer these questions. However, that is the goal of this article. So just sit back and relax as you learn why he keeps coming back.
You might be wondering why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship. Does he enjoy reliving the pain, or is he just confused, or you might wonder, maybe he is your soulmate, that’s why he keeps coming back.
Let’s not jump the gun here and fantasize about that. Instead, let’s look into details and facts to answer the question of why does he keep coming back.
You might find some answers in the book titled The Psychology of Romantic Love by Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D. who is a lecturer, a practicing psychotherapist, and the author of twenty books on psychology.
What does it mean when a man keeps coming back?
To avoid any further self-questioning, let’s look at what it means for a man to keep coming back after you break up the relationship.
1. He doesn’t know what he wants from you
If you frequently ask, why does he keep coming back into my life? He doesn’t know what he’s looking to get out of the relationship. He doesn’t even know if he wants you or not.
So he’s just acting on his emotions and doing what he thinks is the best at the moment, which is going back to you.
Reasons he keeps coming back but doesn’t want a relationship
Why do guys keep coming back? Why does he keep coming back but won’t commit to you? This can be heartbreaking and confusing for you. You might even begin to think it is your fault, but it isn’t. So if it’s not you, then what is the problem?
1. He can’t seem to connect with you
You might be tempted to blame yourself, but don’t because it’s not your fault. He probably had a wrong or false idea of love, and now it’s hard for him to connect with the kind of love you are offering him.
There could also be the part where he has been traumatized at one point in his life, and he just can’t seem to get it out of the way to connect with you.
A healthy relationship requires every part of you to be healthy, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. They all are contributing factors to the health of a relationship. So if he can’t connect with you or other people, he must sort this out first.
2. He is fresh out of a relationship
He just got out of a relationship, and he hasn’t gotten over it; this can keep him from entering a new one. He’s still quite heartbroken and isn’t ready to let go.
Why does he keep coming back then leaving? He is probably scared of committing to you. He doesn’t want what happened in his last relationship to happen again, or he just doesn’t want to be tied down by you.
These are reasons why he may not want a relationship with you. So why does he bother to come back?
There may be a few reasons why he keeps coming back to you, even when you do not seem to make any progress in this relationship.
1. You make it easy
This may hurt to hear or realize, but it’s a hard fact. He knows you have a soft spot for him, and you’ll always let him come back. He calls you one day and says he wants to have a little chat with you.
Easy, you agree and let him come to your house. He is relaxed, and it’s so easy to be with you, so he keeps coming back.
2. He’s being selfish with you
He knows how special you are, and he doesn’t want anyone else to have you. So he comes back just before you get the chance to get over him or just when someone new comes along.
He wants you for himself, but he isn’t ready to go into a relationship with you.
At one point or the other, we all get lonely, and we just want to spend that time in the company of someone likely to lift our spirits. This could be what is happening with him.
He doesn’t love you, but he comes back every time he leaves. He could be lonely. He knows you can be a great company, so he waltzes back into your life when loneliness sets in.
4. He has no clue about what he wants
He’s unsure of what he wants, but one thing is certain- he likes you. That’s why he keeps coming back but won’t commit. He doesn’t know if he wants a relationship and doesn’t know if he should stick around or just move on.
When he decides to move on, he realizes he misses you; then he returns. The conflict arises again, and it all becomes a cycle. Would you wait for him to make up his mind, and how long?
Is this fair to you, or would you rather just move on with your life and give someone that knows what he wants a chance?
5. You don’t want a serious relationship
Are you sincere with yourself? Do you want a relationship, or is your mouth just saying it? He has probably picked up on this contradiction, which makes him come and go out of your life, hoping that you are ready for one each time he returns.
6. He is not over you
Although you broke up, he isn’t over you, so he always comes back to you. He keeps coming back to show you that he still loves you and wants you back, hoping that things will pick up again.
He feels bad for breaking up with you and breaking your heart. He thinks back and sees that his reasons for leaving you weren’t tangible, so he feels guilty. In his bid to make up for it, he comes back to you and eventually wants to get back with you.
Each time he’s in a fix, he comes to you and uses you to distract from his problems. Then, when he needs a break, he leaves
9. You are a rebound
Anytime he’s hurt, he just comes back to you and uses you as a shield from whatever pain he’s feeling. So being with you makes him feel better momentarily.
10. The intimacy is good
He comes back for good sex, and that’s it. But, on the other hand, he might enjoy the intimacy he has with you but is not interested in something more. This answers the question, “why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me?”
When a guy is serious about you and wants a relationship with you, he is honest with his feelings and wants you by his side.
11. He’s giving you another chance
He likes you, but he might feel like you aren’t ready for a relationship. So he doesn’t want to rush you and gives you space to decide if you want a relationship with him.
It is easy to wonder why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship. Well, he likes you. He enjoys your company but isn’t ready for something serious.
A guy that feels this way will keep coming back to you but might not commit to you.
13. He doesn’t want to be tied down
He likes being with you, but the talk of a relationship pushes him away because he wants the freedom to meet other people too. He keeps coming back to you because he is interested in you but leaves because he doesn’t want to be tied down.
14. He has been hurt in the past
A guy that has been hurt in the past will likely not want a serious relationship. He enjoys your company but is scared of entering a relationship and getting hurt again.
He is reluctant to trust you and be vulnerable around you because of his past. But he also doesn’t want to let you go.
15. He is interested in playing mind games
A guy that comes into your life and leaves as it pleases him wants to control the relationship. He is interested in playing games with your feelings and wants to control the dynamics of the relationship.
Guys in this situation don’t want you to move on, nor will they offer you a healthy relationship. So this is one answer to the question, why does he keep coming back?
How to deal with a recurring man?
1. Put yourself first
Are you being fair to yourself by allowing him back? Try to be more compassionate to yourself and see what effect letting him back would have on you.
These are several answers to the question, why does he keep coming back? You can’t force a man to want a relationship with you, so it’s best you don’t get tied down in an off-again-on-again relationship.
If you don’t know the right step to take, contacting a therapist can help you work through your feelings.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.