15 Main Reasons Why He Keeps Coming Back

A lot of questions may have flooded your mind about your recurring ex – “Is it possible he’s still in love with me?”, “Is he trying to make things work again?” or “Is he just using me?”

This situation can be quite confusing and hurtful if you can’t answer these questions. However, that is the goal of this article. So just sit back and relax as you learn why he keeps coming back.

You might be wondering why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship. Does he enjoy reliving the pain, or is he just confused, or you might wonder, maybe he is your soulmate, that’s why he keeps coming back.

Let’s not jump the gun here and fantasize about that. Instead, let’s look into details and facts to answer the question of why does he keep coming back. 

You might find some answers in the book titled The Psychology of Romantic Love by Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D. who is a lecturer, a practicing psychotherapist, and the author of twenty books on psychology.

What does it mean when a man keeps coming back?

To avoid any further self-questioning, let’s look at what it means for a man to keep coming back after you break up the relationship.

1. He doesn’t know what he wants from you

If you frequently ask, why does he keep coming back into my life? He doesn’t know what he’s looking to get out of the relationship. He doesn’t even know if he wants you or not.

So he’s just acting on his emotions and doing what he thinks is the best at the moment, which is going back to you.

Related Reading: 20 Ways to Tell if a Men Is Confused About His Feelings for You

2. He isn’t ready for anything serious

He’s not ready for a serious relationship. There are several reasons why a man may not want a serious relationship. It could be because

• He still feels something for his ex
• He’s scared of getting hurt again
• He’s avoiding getting tied down
• He’s not mature enough to handle a relationship
• He just got out of a relationship.

3. He doesn’t like you enough to consider a relationship with you

This is hard to hear, but it’s the truth. He likes you, alright, but it’s not enough to jump into a relationship or commit to you. 

Certain signs say he likes you but not enough to be in a relationship with you; they are;

• He hardly makes time for you. He makes appointments with you but opts out at the last minute
• He keeps leaving and coming back
• He’s always switching between emotions. He does this so easily; one minute, he’s giving positive vibes, and the next, he’s becoming indifferent
• His mouth says one thing, and his actions say something else.

4. He is lonely

Why does he keep leaving and coming back? It’s because he is lonely. You make him feel better and his best bet at escaping from the black hole of loneliness, so he keeps coming back.

5. He is a player

He is simply playing with you; he doesn’t care what it does to you as long as he enjoys himself. So he keeps ghosting and coming back for all that he can get out of the relationship.

You have it in simple terms what it means for a man to keep coming back but doesn’t want a relationship; now, let’s look at why and answer those questions that seem to bug you.

Related Reading: 15 Warning Signs He’s Actually a Player

Reasons he keeps coming back but doesn’t want a relationship

Why do guys keep coming back? Why does he keep coming back but won’t commit to you? This can be heartbreaking and confusing for you. You might even begin to think it is your fault, but it isn’t. So if it’s not you, then what is the problem?

1. He can’t seem to connect with you

You might be tempted to blame yourself, but don’t because it’s not your fault. He probably had a wrong or false idea of love, and now it’s hard for him to connect with the kind of love you are offering him. 

There could also be the part where he has been traumatized at one point in his life, and he just can’t seem to get it out of the way to connect with you.

A healthy relationship requires every part of you to be healthy, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. They all are contributing factors to the health of a relationship. So if he can’t connect with you or other people, he must sort this out first.

2. He is fresh out of a relationship

He just got out of a relationship, and he hasn’t gotten over it; this can keep him from entering a new one. He’s still quite heartbroken and isn’t ready to let go.

Moving on from a relationship where you shared a deep connection with somebody can be challenging.

Now he has to start from scratch trying to build that connection with you, and he is not ready for that bumpy ride.

‘Bumpy’ because no matter how hard he tries, it’s a relationship with a new person; things are different here. He would make mistakes, and he just isn’t ready.

3. He’s only attracted to you

He is probably attracted to you; and that’s why he keeps coming back. He enjoys your company and your brilliant wit. But he just doesn’t feel more than an attraction to you.

He enjoys your company; you make him laugh, but still, he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you.

Also Try: Is He Attracted to Me?

4. He has a problem committing to you

Why does he keep coming back then leaving? He is probably scared of committing to you. He doesn’t want what happened in his last relationship to happen again, or he just doesn’t want to be tied down by you.

These are reasons why he may not want a relationship with you. So why does he bother to come back?

Related Reading: How to Identify and Deal With a Man With Commitment Issues

15 Reasons why he keeps on coming back

There may be a few reasons why he keeps coming back to you, even when you do not seem to make any progress in this relationship.

1. You make it easy

This may hurt to hear or realize, but it’s a hard fact. He knows you have a soft spot for him, and you’ll always let him come back. He calls you one day and says he wants to have a little chat with you. 

Easy, you agree and let him come to your house. He is relaxed, and it’s so easy to be with you, so he keeps coming back.

2. He’s being selfish with you

He knows how special you are, and he doesn’t want anyone else to have you. So he comes back just before you get the chance to get over him or just when someone new comes along. 

He wants you for himself, but he isn’t ready to go into a relationship with you. 

Also Try: Do You Have a Selfish Partner Test

3. He’s lonely

At one point or the other, we all get lonely, and we just want to spend that time in the company of someone likely to lift our spirits. This could be what is happening with him.

He doesn’t love you, but he comes back every time he leaves. He could be lonely. He knows you can be a great company, so he waltzes back into your life when loneliness sets in. 

4. He has no clue about what he wants

He’s unsure of what he wants, but one thing is certain- he likes you. That’s why he keeps coming back but won’t commit. He doesn’t know if he wants a relationship and doesn’t know if he should stick around or just move on.

When he decides to move on, he realizes he misses you; then he returns. The conflict arises again, and it all becomes a cycle. Would you wait for him to make up his mind, and how long? 

Is this fair to you, or would you rather just move on with your life and give someone that knows what he wants a chance? 

5. You don’t want a serious relationship

Are you sincere with yourself? Do you want a relationship, or is your mouth just saying it? He has probably picked up on this contradiction, which makes him come and go out of your life, hoping that you are ready for one each time he returns.

6. He is not over you

Although you broke up, he isn’t over you, so he always comes back to you. He keeps coming back to show you that he still loves you and wants you back, hoping that things will pick up again.

Also Try: Is Your Ex Over You Quiz

7. The feeling of guilt

He feels bad for breaking up with you and breaking your heart. He thinks back and sees that his reasons for leaving you weren’t tangible, so he feels guilty. In his bid to make up for it, he comes back to you and eventually wants to get back with you.

Related Reading: Guilt Tripping in Relationships: Signs, Causes, and How to Deal With It

8. You distract him from his problems

Each time he’s in a fix, he comes to you and uses you to distract from his problems. Then, when he needs a break, he leaves

9. You are a rebound

Anytime he’s hurt, he just comes back to you and uses you as a shield from whatever pain he’s feeling. So being with you makes him feel better momentarily.

10. The intimacy is good

He comes back for good sex, and that’s it. But, on the other hand, he might enjoy the intimacy he has with you but is not interested in something more. This answers the question, “why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me?”

When a guy is serious about you and wants a relationship with you, he is honest with his feelings and wants you by his side.

11. He’s giving you another chance

He likes you, but he might feel like you aren’t ready for a relationship. So he doesn’t want to rush you and gives you space to decide if you want a relationship with him.

Related Reading: Am I Ready for a Serious Relationship: 25 Sure Signs You’re Ready

12. He doesn’t want a relationship

It is easy to wonder why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship. Well, he likes you. He enjoys your company but isn’t ready for something serious.

A guy that feels this way will keep coming back to you but might not commit to you.

13. He doesn’t want to be tied down

He likes being with you, but the talk of a relationship pushes him away because he wants the freedom to meet other people too. He keeps coming back to you because he is interested in you but leaves because he doesn’t want to be tied down.

14. He has been hurt in the past

A guy that has been hurt in the past will likely not want a serious relationship. He enjoys your company but is scared of entering a relationship and getting hurt again.

He is reluctant to trust you and be vulnerable around you because of his past. But he also doesn’t want to let you go.

15. He is interested in playing mind games

A guy that comes into your life and leaves as it pleases him wants to control the relationship. He is interested in playing games with your feelings and wants to control the dynamics of the relationship.

Guys in this situation don’t want you to move on, nor will they offer you a healthy relationship. So this is one answer to the question, why does he keep coming back? 

How to deal with a recurring man?

1. Put yourself first

Are you being fair to yourself by allowing him back? Try to be more compassionate to yourself and see what effect letting him back would have on you.

Related Reading: 10 Ways on How to Put Yourself First in a Relationship and Why

2. Visit a therapist

Therapists can help you work through your feelings and see things more clearly. They can also hold you accountable when you want to end the off-again-on-again relationship.

3. Have an honest chat with him

It’s time to stop wondering why does he keep coming back and have an honest conversation with him. Find out what he wants to figure out if you guys want the same thing.

Communication is necessary for any relationship; watch this video if you want to know the keys to effective communication.

The takeaway

These are several answers to the question, why does he keep coming back? You can’t force a man to want a relationship with you, so it’s best you don’t get tied down in an off-again-on-again relationship.

If you don’t know the right step to take, contacting a therapist can help you work through your feelings.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle... Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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