50 Things to Ask for from Your Cheating Partner

You can’t shake the feeling once you’ve been cheated on. The disbelief; the shock; the devastation. The disorienting sensation that you don’t know what’s true—all compounded by a surreal realization that you don’t know who your partner is anymore.

It’s an entirely bewildering experience. You might start questioning your every move. Am I being too demanding? Too needy? Too understanding? Do you wonder what to say to your cheating husband? What to say to someone who cheated on you?

Even if your cheating partner is apologetic and wants to work on your relationship—your trust in your cheating partner is eradicated. Things cheaters say when confronted are heartbreaking. Things like “It wasn’t me. It was her/him.” “It didn’t mean anything.” “It was a moment of weakness.”

Snapping your fingers won’t bring the intimacy back, even if you desperately want to work it out with your cheating partner.

The good news is, this trust on your cheating partner can be rebuilt

It just needs to be rebuilt intentionally. Yet as that trust is earned, there are certain things you’re allowed asking. Here are 50 questions to ask your boyfriend or spouse after he cheated on you which are essential in not only rebuilding trust but also giving your relationship the fortitude to persevere in the future—stronger than ever.

Of course, things questions aren’t meant to be forever. Once you have been fully healed, you and your partner can renegotiate what boundaries are necessary for you to thrive again.

Questions to ask a cheating spouse

1. You can ask for access to your cheating partner’s phone and email.
2. You can ask for monthly phone records.
3. You can ask for proof that the affair is over.
4. You can ask for your cheating partner to tell you immediately when the affair partner makes contact—so you two can decide together if and how to respond.
5. You can ask to use GPS location to know where your partner is—or to double check that they are where they say they are.
6. You can ask your partner to send picture texts and short videos to prove they are where they say they are.
7. You can ask your partner to delete social media accounts—especially if your partner carried on an affair via social media.
8. You can ask your partner to “clean house” on social media, eliminating potential and perceived threats.
9. You can ask your partner not to delete their web browser history.
10. You can ask your partner not to empty their trash folder in their email accounts.
11. You can ask your partner to access to financials: credit card, bank, and investment account statements.
12. You can ask your partner to transfer assets into your name and/or create a joint bank account.
13. You can ask your cheating partner to quit the club or membership that the affair partner belonged to.
14. You can ask your partner to initiate conversations and provide information without being asked or you having to dig for it.
15. You can ask your partner to move to another city with you.
16. You can ask your partner to quit and find another job – if the affair happened at your S.O.’s current job.
17. You can ask that your cheating partner and the affair partner limit contact to business only and your partner tells you when they had contact – if the affair partner is at your S.O.’s current job.
18. You can ask that your partner avoids taking you to places they took the affair partner.
19. You can ask to visit your partner at work.
20. You can ask that your partner comes home immediately after work.
21. You can ask for an accurate itinerary when your partner travels.
22. You can ask that they limit work travel, or only make day trips, or limit overnight trips.
23. You can ask that they call and text more often—just because.
24. You can ask that they increase physical affection in non-sexual ways.
25. You can ask that they initiate sex more frequently.
26. You can ask that they spend more time in foreplay.
27. You can ask that they make you feel that you are the only one for them.
28. You can ask that they initiate and thoughtfully plans date nights.
29. You can ask that they talk to you about their feelings.
30. You can ask that they show interest in you—simply asking about your day or dreams.
31. You can ask them to join you in your hobbies and activities and vice versa.
32. You can ask for them to soothe you after you share your triggers.
33. You can ask that they solve conflict directly instead of minimizing, shutting down, or withdrawing.
34. You can ask that they go to individual and couples therapy to figure out why they did what they did—and to uncover all of the variables that lead to their decision to betray you.
35. You can ask for a postnuptial agreement.
36. You can ask for the truth from your cheating partner—even if it means hurting your feelings.
37. You can ask for their full attention when you talk.
38. You can ask that they read a self-help book with you.
39. You can ask that they buy a new mattress or bedroom furniture, if your S.O. brought the affair partner into your home.
40. You can ask for more verbal appreciation.
41. You can ask that they decrease drinking if alcohol was a contributing factor to the affair.
42. You can ask for a decrease in pornography use.
43. You can ask that your cheating partner wear their wedding ring again—every day.
44. You can ask that they write you notes or letters.
45. You can ask that they decrease contact or give up a friendship—if the friend helped cover up your cheating partner’s cheating.
46. You can ask that your cheating partner get checked for STIs and go to your doctor appointment with you.
47. You can ask for them to tell you that they find you attractive.
48. You can ask for them to tell you they love you—and why they love you.
49. You can ask for them to answer all of your questions about the affair.
50. You can ask for your cheating partner to show remorse for what they’ve done.

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Anita A Chlipala Marriage & Family Therapist

People often ask me how I could listen to problems all day. My response: I have a comfortable chair…just kidding. There’s nothing more rewarding than to hear my clients’ stories and to help them achieve their goals. I founded Relationship Reality 312 to focus exclusively on romantic... Read more relationships – from getting one to maintaining one successfully. I use cutting-edge research in my work to bring you the latest information and tools to help you achieve a happy and healthy relationship. Whatever problems or issues you want addressed, I don’t just listen – I’ll teach you the skills you need so that you no longer need to see me anymore (or a twice-yearly check-in will suffice!). I provide coaching and therapy not only in my Chicago-based office, but nationally and internationally as well. If you’re looking for a no-BS approach, contact me today. Read less

(Anita A is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Chicago)