You probably already know this very well, we cannot be in a happy marriage if we don’t love or take good care of ourselves. This is, of course, easier said and done, especially for the ones who didn’t have the luck to grow up in a loving, caring environment.
Unfortunately, marriage isn’t about marrying the right person, despite of what many people may think, so if you don’t love, respect and accept yourself fully before getting involved in a relationship with someone, it is likely that you won’t be happy with that person.
What if you are already married and unhappy?
When couples start facing challenges in their marriage they begin to worry that they didn’t marry the right person. They think that their choice wasn’t right. Even though choosing to date and marry a person that is highly compatible with you can be a great supportive factor for the success of your marriage, your marital happiness depends less on marrying the right person and more on doing the right things with that person.
If your current marital situation isn’t satisfying but you still feel the desire to stay with your partner, then this shift from “is he/she the right person?” to “what can we do to make things right?” can be a solid start for overcome the feeling of misery that you are currently experiencing.
What can you do to make things right?
Relationships are a work in progress and they require a lot of devotion and commitment from both partners. Luckily it doesn’t always take that both partners actively work on “marriage recovery” in order for the couple to become happier, for some parts even individual effort can make a great difference.
To make things right in a struggling marriage the best starting point is “the inner work” with yourself. This is best achieved through proper self-care and intentions of cultivating self-love and acceptance. Once you are able to live a happier and fuller life as an individual within a marriage, your unhappy partner will directly benefit from your well-being and your relationship will begin to improve.
Here is what you can do make things better:
1. Be more gentle with yourself
With our partners, we work in a so called “response pattern”, this means that the way we communicate and approach them influences the way they respond to us. How we communicate with others has a lot to do with our “inner, self-talk”. The harsher and more judgmental we are towards ourselves, it is more likely that we will “stimulate” an aggressive or passive response from our spouse.
We must cultivate kindness and gentleness when talking to ourselves, by doing so we will directly create more space for love and acceptance in our marriage.
2. Take time to reflect
A simple self-care practice that you can try already is to take a moment (also a pen and some paper) and noting down some about important aspects of your marriage. You can ask yourself questions and highlight what is currently working in your marriage, what are you doing that isn’t working in your marriage and what can you do differently?
When writing down the answers make sure that you are open, vulnerable and honest. Don’t rush during this reflection and avoid using your phone, social media or engaging in other type of distractions.
3. Give yourself some “you” time
It is easy to slip into the habit of trying to please your partner and by doing so neglect yourself and your own needs. Even though marriage is about giving to our loved ones, it mustn’t be only that.
Your needs are important, and you are important, so dedicating some time and even some money, in order to give to yourself a chance to become healthy, is an essential part of turning your unhappy marriage into a happy one.
4. Mend your money beliefs
Is money a source of some of your marital conflicts? If yes, then you are not the only couple damaged by the so called money madness. The difficulty with money and marriage is that “the matter isn’t that simple”.
Money can’t substitute value, love, safety, security, care and therefore can cause a lot of havoc in relationships if not managed properly. By mending your beliefs about money and adopting the abundance mentality you can create a big change in your marriage.
5. Revive the neglected romance
Love is not just a feeling, it is also something you do to get the feeling itself. Doing romantic things together will increase your chances to feel the love as the result of your efforts. Self-sacrifice, generosity, the ability to forgive, care and commitment are all needed for you to succeed in returning the romantic moments in your unhappy marriage.
No one is saying that it will be simple and easy but if you succeed in reconnecting with your spouse, it will totally be worth it.