Unhappy Marriage with Kids – Why It’s so Hard to Let Go

All marriages have ups and downs, and that’s normal. Each family will face its own challenges, and it’s up to them how they can overcome the trials while still remaining strong and united, but what happens when the marriage is no longer harmonious?

When you are no longer happy with your marriage, and you are sure that you want to get out, you can simply choose to divorce. However, what happens when you are in an unhappy marriage with kids? Do you let go or do you stay?

Unhappy marriage with kids

This might be one of the hardest decisions that someone has to face. Do you stay together for the sake of your children even if you are no longer happy and you’re living in a very toxic relationship? Or do you take a stand and end it with divorce? Indeed, it’s so hard to decide when there are kids involved, when it’s no longer just your feelings that are at stake, but your children as well.

Sometimes, even in the worst cases, it’s the children who would beg not to end the relationship because, in their eyes, there’s still a chance, but what if there isn’t any love and respect left? How do you break it to your children, and where do you start?

Important questions to assess

Before you can decide whether to stay or to let go, you need to at least analyze some of these important questions:

• Assess first why you are unhappy. Is it because you have fallen out of love? Or did your spouse have an affair? Is your spouse abusive, or are you falling in love with someone else? Weigh in the reasons why you are no longer happy with the relationship, because it will play a big part in this decision.
• How do you, as a married couple, cope with your indifference? Can you still compromise and maintain a good relationship with your children?
• Can you endure the long process of divorce, and do you have enough money to go through it, along with the financial issues that you will face after the divorce?
• Lastly, for the sake of your children, would you both consider undergoing therapy or counseling?

Now that we have assessed the important notes of being in an unhappy marriage with kids, we literally have two options — to stay or to let go. Let’s weigh in the choices.

Reasons to stay

• Stay if you are the only one feeling unhappy. If you are being true to yourself and you are just feeling that you’re falling out of love with your spouse or you’re falling for someone else, then maybe you can try to fix it first. We’re not saying that you have to force yourself to love someone you don’t, but you can compromise for your kids, especially if your spouse is a responsible parent.
• Stay married for your kids, especially when you and your spouse want to work it out through seeking help from a therapist or counselor. It’s just right to do your best first before deciding to end years of marriage abruptly. There is definitely no reason why you can’t try to sort out your differences.
• Another reason to stay is when you realize that marriage isn’t all about happiness. Has your married life always been this chaotic, or is this the first time that you’ve undergone problems?

We have to understand that every marriage will experience trials, and some far worse than what you are experiencing. Don’t give up on your relationship just because it’s getting hard or because you are feeling unhappy lately – you have to seek help and be there for your spouse too.

Reasons to let go

While there are reasons why you should consider staying even if you are feeling unhappy, there are also some good reasons to let go:

• If you are married to a person who suffers from personality disorders such as NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), then you can’t expect this person to change, unless they’re willing to seek treatment.
• If you are married to an abuser, whether it be physically, psychologically, or emotionally, leaving may be the best option.  Abuse should never be tolerated, especially when there are kids involved. It’s better for them to understand why you need to divorce their other parent rather than to live in fear and abuse.
• Let go if you are married to someone who has an addiction and would rather put their family in danger than stop. Being unhappy is just the tip of the iceberg when you’re married to someone so destructive and uncontrollable.
• What if you have given more than enough chances to a spouse who always commits extramarital affairs? Someone who no longer values you as a person, and even your children’s feelings. There’s only one solution here – let go.
• It’s time to let go when you have done all you can, but to no avail. Sometimes, no matter how long the process of divorce is, it’s the best option that you can grab.

Dr. Jennifer Schulz, PhD in Psychology, states, 

If you’re thinking about leaving because you’re in an abusive relationship, it’s natural to feel afraid. There are supportive services available to keep you safe and help you navigate this difficult time.

How do you decide?

How do you decide when to let go or if it’s still right to stay? You just have to be a parent first before a spouse. Put your children’s future and well-being as your top reason why you are making your decision.

Remember that everything you decide will pave the road for your child’s future.

Remember this: there can be many factors before one can determine whether or not you are in an unhappy marriage with kids, and still a lot of other considerations before you can decide if you will stay or leave the marriage.

Dr. Schulz says, 

Sometimes, it’s best to stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids, but other times, kids benefit more when their parents are happy and conflict is reduced via separation. 

Before you decide to get a divorce or to stay, consider getting help. Therapy is a great option if you want to fix yourself or your marriage, and the good thing about this is that you will still have a chance. As long as you are willing to commit and compromise for your marriage and your children, nothing is impossible.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less