What is Emotional Neglect in Marriage? Signs & How to Deal

Marriage is often seen as a partnership filled with love, support, and understanding.

But what happens when those essential emotional connections start to fade? 

Emotional neglect in a marriage can be subtle, creeping in slowly until it becomes a painful reality that leaves one or both partners feeling unseen and unheard. 

It’s not about what’s said but rather what isn’t—the missed opportunities to connect, the lack of empathy, and the quiet moments that pass without acknowledgment. 

These moments can leave deep scars, making it feel like you’re drifting apart even while sharing the same space… 

How do you recognize and address this silent strain before it erodes the bond you once cherished?

What is emotional neglect in a marriage?

Before getting into the detailed definition of emotional neglect in marriage, it is essential first to understand what ‘neglect in marriage’ means. Neglect, as a form of abuse, is simply the act of failing to care for someone properly.

While this comes with its fair share of mental and emotional trauma on the part of the recipient, neglect can be passive (when it comes from a place of ignorance or unintentional dissociation from a person) or active (when it is calculated, deliberate, and intentional).

Neglect in marriage occurs when one (or both) parties fail to be there for themselves and their family. It usually leads to an emotional separation or estrangement and can lead to broken homes within record time.

By extension, emotional neglect in marriage occurs when one partner continuously fails to notice, attend to, and respond to their partner’s emotional needs. As a result, the other partner may spend most of their time feeling lost, alone, and (may even feel) worthless in the marriage.

One of the significant downsides of this form of emotional abuse (and other forms of emotional abuse, by extension) is that they can be accompanied by other forms of abuse (like physical abuse), after which the relationship may keep going south.

Life Coach Jaclyn Hunt says:

Being neglected emotionally can have a profound impact on your well-being. Because it isn’t as tangible as physical neglect or abuse, it is often overlooked and questioned.

Can a marriage survive without an emotional connection? 

Hunt further adds that:

Sometimes emotional neglect is unintentional because the individual doing the neglecting is unaware of the emotional needs of the partner. 

It is important to connect with a professional who understands the depth of emotional neglect and how to get both partners on the same page about their emotional needs and requirements to make the marriage succeed.

While a marriage can technically continue without a strong emotional connection, it is unlikely to be a fulfilling, healthy, or sustainable partnership in the long run. Emotional connection is a fundamental element of a thriving marriage. 

It’s the glue that can bind couples together, promoting intimacy, trust, and a sense of companionship. Without this emotional bond, a marriage can become distant, cold, and filled with feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction, increasing the likelihood of divorce.

Over time, the absence of emotional connection can lead to increased conflict, decreased communication, and even the eventual breakdown of the marriage. Therefore, while a marriage might persist without an emotional connection, it is unlikely to be happy or successful.

It’s essential for couples to actively work on building and maintaining their emotional connection for a fulfilling and enduring partnership.

What are some examples of emotional neglect in marriage? 

In relationships, emotional neglect can often go unnoticed, yet its impact can be profound. Recognizing you’re experiencing emotional neglect is crucial for promoting healthier, more connected partnerships. Below are some tangible examples of emotional neglect within a relationship:

• Constant disinterest: Your partner consistently shows little or no interest in your life, experiences, or feelings. They don’t ask about your day, concerns, or joys.
• Emotional distance during crisis: When you’re going through a difficult time, your partner withdraws emotionally instead of providing support and understanding. They may act indifferent or dismissive.
• Limited physical affection: Your partner rarely engages in physical affection, such as hugs, kisses, or cuddling. Physical intimacy has become infrequent or nonexistent.
• Ignoring special occasions: Your partner forgets essential dates like birthdays or anniversaries, or they don’t make an effort to celebrate them together.
• Silent treatment: During conflicts or arguments, your partner frequently gives you the silent treatment or stonewalls you, refusing to engage in productive communication.
• Minimizing your feelings: Your partner often downplays or dismisses your emotions, telling you your feelings are invalid or that you’re overreacting.
• Neglecting quality time: Your partner prioritizes other activities over spending quality time with you, leaving you feeling alone and unimportant.
• Lack of compliments or appreciation: Your partner rarely compliments you or expresses gratitude for your contributions to the relationship or household.
• Avoiding meaningful conversations: Your partner avoids discussing important topics or issues in the relationship, preventing the growth of emotional intimacy.
• Frequent criticism: You regularly receive criticism or blame from your partner without constructive feedback or support.

These are a few specific examples of behaviors and situations that can indicate emotional neglect in a marriage.

If you’re experiencing emotional neglect, it’s essential to address these issues with your partner and seek support or counseling to work through them and rebuild the emotional connection in your relationship.

27 signs of emotional neglect in marriage 

In a healthy marriage, emotional connection and support are vital components that contribute to the well-being and longevity of the relationship. 

However, emotional neglect seeps into a marriage and can gradually erode the bond between partners, leading to feelings of loneliness, dissatisfaction, and frustration. 

Recognizing the signs of emotional neglect is crucial for addressing this issue and encouraging a more fulfilling partnership. Here are 27 common signs of emotional neglect in marriage:

1. Your feelings and thoughts are neither heard nor respected 

You find yourself gradually fading into the background of your marriage, with your innermost feelings and opinions seemingly held in disregard by your spouse. It may be a sign that you are grappling with the profound effects of emotional neglect within your marriage.

Why this happens: Emotional neglect often stems from a lack of active listening and empathy in the relationship. Over time, one partner may become disengaged, leading to the other feeling disregarded and invisible.

2. You feel a persistent sense of isolation

One of the potential symptoms of emotional neglect in a marriage is the persistent feeling of solitude. Do you ever experience an extreme sense of aloneness even when your partner is physically present? This sensation can serve as a reminder that something crucial may be amiss.

Why this happens: Emotional neglect creates a gap in connection, leaving one partner feeling emotionally unsupported. Even when physically together, the absence of emotional engagement can encourage deep loneliness.

3. You increasingly seek support from external sources

While marriage typically entails the assurance of unwavering love and support from your partner, if you find yourself increasingly seeking solace and counsel from unfamiliar faces rather than turning to your spouse, it could be a sign that emotional neglect has cast its shadow over your relationship.

Why this happens: When emotional needs aren’t met within the marriage, seeking validation and comfort from others becomes a natural, though concerning, response to fill the emotional void.

4. Your spouse appears more inclined to support others than you

Observe how your spouse manages the delicate balance between supporting you and extending assistance to others. If their tendency leans noticeably toward prioritizing the needs of others over yours, it may well signify a form of emotional neglect that deserves closer scrutiny.

Why this happens: This can occur when a spouse becomes more emotionally invested in others, perhaps due to a breakdown in communication or unresolved issues within the marriage, leading to emotional neglect.

5. Your spouse prioritizes friends and family over you

While your spouse may wholeheartedly devote themselves to the well-being of friends and family, it can become a troubling sign when this same level of commitment is not extended to you. This disparity may serve as an indicator of emotional negligence within the marriage.

Why this happens: When emotional connections weaken within the marriage, a spouse might subconsciously divert their attention and care to others, creating an imbalance in the relationship.

6. Lack of physical intimacy

While seemingly unrelated, a lack of physical intimacy can be a reflection of emotional disconnection. 

What does this imply? This underscores the notion that the absence of physical intimacy may be a sign of deeper emotional and physical neglect within the confines of a marriage.

Why this happens: Physical intimacy often mirrors the emotional state of a relationship. When emotional neglect sets in, physical connection may diminish as well, reflecting the overall disconnection.

7. Absence of empathy during challenging times

During difficult moments, partners should be able to lean on each other for empathy and meaningful support. The absence of this crucial emotional connection within your marriage could serve as a signal that something vital is amiss.

Why this happens: Emotional neglect can cause a spouse to emotionally distance themselves, leading to a lack of empathy and support during tough times, which can further strain the relationship.

8. Frequent interruptions and their deeper implications

Although it may appear trivial, consistent interruptions within your conversations carry significant weight. Interruptions may signify a lack of genuine attention, a belief that their words outweigh yours, or even a subtle message that you’re viewed as a nuisance.

If this pattern persists in your relationship, it may indicate a deficiency in emotional intimacy.

Why this happens: Consistent interruptions can indicate a lack of respect or interest in what the other person has to say, signaling emotional disengagement and neglect.

9. Dysfunctional communication 

Effective communication serves as the bedrock of a successful relationship. When communication begins to falter within your marriage, it may be a direct consequence of your spouse’s diminishing emotional availability. This can lead to misunderstandings, distance, and a gradual erosion of the connection you once cherished.

Why this happens: Poor communication is often both a cause and symptom of emotional neglect, leading to misunderstandings, frustration, and emotional distance in the marriage.

10. You are last to know the details about your spouse’s life 

Discovering that you’re consistently one of the last individuals to receive vital updates about your spouse’s life, whether they involve significant changes such as career shifts or financial decisions, can raise concerns of emotional neglect within the marriage.

Why this happens: When a spouse emotionally withdraws, they may also withhold important information, either intentionally or unconsciously, deepening the sense of neglect.

11. You’re entirely left in the dark

In more extreme cases, you may not even be privy to these life-altering changes until it’s too late or until you hear about them from others. This lack of transparency can be a stark indicator of emotional neglect, especially involving significant financial matters.

For example, they may take a loan, and you wouldn’t hear a word of it from them until the debt collectors come for your assets.

Why this happens: Complete emotional withdrawal can lead to significant decisions or life changes being kept secret, further isolating the neglected partner and damaging trust.

12. You simply feel unappreciated 

A classic sign of emotional neglect within marriage is the pervasive feeling of being unappreciated. When you begin to sense that your tireless efforts are met with indifference from your spouse, it’s an unmistakable red flag.

Does it feel like you are putting in so much effort, and your spouse just turns a blind eye to them all? That could be a sign right there.

Why this happens: Emotional neglect often involves a lack of recognition and appreciation for one partner’s efforts, leading to feelings of being taken for granted.

14. Or, you may be arguing much more than normal 

Conversely, if you find yourselves locked in frequent, intense conflicts over even minor issues that could have previously been resolved through calm dialogue, it may be an indication of deep-seated emotional neglect.

Why this happens: Increased arguments can be a response to the frustration and unmet needs stemming from emotional neglect, where underlying issues remain unresolved.

15. Your spouse does all they can to stay away from you 

Your spouse’s actions may manifest as working longer hours, taking solo trips, or even the simple act of sleeping in separate beds, a departure from your previous norm. Such changes can signal a growing emotional rift within the marriage.

Why this happens: Avoidance behaviors, such as spending more time away from home, can be a sign of emotional withdrawal and a desire to escape the discomfort within the marriage.

16. You are becoming more independent than usual 

You may discover a growing sense of emotional self-sufficiency, born out of the frustration that seeking support or understanding from your spouse often leaves you feeling more emotionally depleted. This independence is a response to emotional neglect within the marriage.

Why this happens: When emotional support is lacking, one partner may adapt by becoming more self-reliant, distancing themselves further from the marriage.

17. Secrets become your companions

While you once embraced complete honesty with your spouse, the accumulation of secrets can indicate a significant shift. Feeling neglected may lead you to withhold information or experiences from your spouse, opting to keep them to yourself.

Why this happens: Emotional neglect can lead to a breakdown in trust and openness, causing partners to withhold information as a form of self-protection.

18. Excessive criticism becomes the norm

Another telltale sign of emotional neglect is an uptick in your spouse’s critical behavior. Nothing you do seems to satisfy them, and they may appear to be on an endless mission to highlight your perceived faults. 

A constant barrage of criticism can erode your self-esteem and create a toxic atmosphere in your relationship, making it challenging to maintain a sense of emotional connection and intimacy.

Why this happens: A critical attitude can arise from frustration and dissatisfaction in the marriage, often fueled by unmet emotional needs and growing resentment. 

19. The silent treatment sets in

Emotional neglect can take both passive and active forms. The silent treatment, in particular, can be a clear indication of emotional neglect within the marriage. 

Your spouse’s withdrawal from communication can be deafening. This painful silence can lead to feelings of isolation as you yearn for connection but find yourself met with an impenetrable emotional wall.

Why this happens: The silent treatment is a passive form of emotional neglect used to create distance and avoid dealing with underlying issues in the marriage.

20. Your partner begins to slack in taking care of themself 

Emotional neglect doesn’t solely affect the neglected party; it also takes its toll on the neglecting spouse. Over time, the underlying tension in the marriage may manifest as a decline in your spouse’s self-care habits. This can include increased stress, diminished emotional well-being, and even physical health issues.

Why this happens: Emotional neglect can lead to a decline in self-care, as stress and emotional strain take a toll on one’s overall well-being.

21. You begin to withdraw 

As the emotional intimacy within the relationship wanes, your instinctive response may be to withdraw. This withdrawal extends not only from your spouse but also from the relationship itself and everything that serves as a painful reminder of the emotional neglect.

Why this happens: Withdrawal is a common response to emotional neglect, where one partner retreats emotionally to protect themselves from further hurt.

22. The fading of affection

With dwindling emotional intimacy, affection may dwindle in tandem. You may find it increasingly challenging to muster feelings of affection for your spouse, particularly after enduring prolonged emotional neglect.

Why this happens: As emotional connection diminishes, affectionate behaviors often follow, reflecting the growing distance between partners.

23. Awkward conversations reveal the gap

When you do attempt to engage in conversation, it often results in awkward pauses, an abundance of “uhms,” and uncomfortable silences. These moments reflect the growing chasm between you and your spouse over time.

Why this happens: Awkwardness in conversations can signify the erosion of comfort and intimacy in the marriage, often a result of prolonged emotional neglect.

24. You are suddenly walking on eggshells around each other 

The little things you used to be carefree about (like walking around the house in your underwear or stealing a cookie from your spouse’s plate during dinner) become unappealing. 

Then again, your spouse always seems to be cranky these days, so you aren’t exactly sure what would set them off. You would rather hold your breath around them than be at the receiving end of their anger. 

Why this happens: Emotional neglect can create an environment of tension and uncertainty, where both partners feel insecure and cautious in their interactions.

25. You are beginning to consider divorce or seeking professional help 

Reaching this stage typically marks the culmination of emotional neglect within a marriage. Beyond this is what is usually considered the breaking point, the point at which one person would make the decision to call it quits or seek professional help.

Why this happens: When emotional neglect reaches a critical point, the idea of ending the marriage or seeking help becomes a potential solution to escape the pain.

26. Loss of shared interests and activities

As emotional neglect seeps into your marriage, you might notice a gradual erosion of shared interests and activities that once bound you together. This divergence can be a symptom of emotional disconnection.

Why this happens: As emotional neglect grows, couples may drift apart, losing interest in activities they once enjoyed together, further deepening the disconnect.

27. Escapism and distractions become the norm

When one or both partners turn to excessive escapism or distractions like overworking, excessive use of technology, or substance abuse to avoid confronting emotional neglect within the marriage, it’s a clear sign that the relationship needs attention.

If you have gotten to this point, you may want to take the next section of this article more seriously.

Why this happens: Turning to distractions is a common way to cope with the pain of emotional neglect, avoiding the uncomfortable reality of the relationship.

How does emotional neglect affect marriage?

Hunt states that

Emotional needs are just as important as any other need. By clearly defining your emotional needs, you will understand who you are and how to best connect with a potential partner.

Emotional neglect can have profound and detrimental effects on a marriage. It occurs when one or both partners fail to provide emotional support, attention, and validation to each other. This can lead to feelings of isolation, resentment, and dissatisfaction within the relationship. 

If you ask questions like “Is emotional neglect in a marriage abuse?” or “Is neglect a form of abuse in marriage?” you should know that emotional neglect in marriage can be a form of emotional abuse. 

It can erode the neglected spouse’s emotional well-being and harm the connection between partners. When one partner feels neglected emotionally and sexually, it can break intimacy, communication, and trust, ultimately straining the marriage. 

Addressing emotional neglect is crucial for a healthy and thriving marriage, as it requires open communication, empathy, and a willingness to make positive changes to meet each other’s emotional needs.

  

5 ways to heal from emotional neglect in marriage

Healing from emotional neglect in a marriage can be a challenging process, but it is possible with patience, communication, and sometimes professional help.

Here are 5 pointers to help you sort through your mind and define the most constructive direction you should move in once you have confirmed that you are dealing with emotional neglect in marriage. 

1. Take a while to process your feelings 

The first step is recognizing that emotional neglect is happening in your marriage. Both partners need to acknowledge the problem and be willing to work on it. 

It is okay to feel hurt and angry with your partner. If you don’t process these feelings, you may end up making the wrong decisions.  

2. Try to communicate 

Effective communication is crucial. This may be a bit difficult considering the communication lapses you may have noticed in your marriage.

However, it is essential that you open up to your partner about how their actions have been affecting you negatively. 

3. If they are open to communication, suggest best practices 

It is not enough to tell your spouse what you think they are doing wrong. Tell them what they must do to make things right. This is where spelled-out action plans come into play. 

Then again, encourage them to tell you what you must do to make the marriage great again. This way, they don’t feel like you are trying to make them fit a construct they don’t want to fit into.

4. Consider therapy 

Under these conditions, therapy may work wonders. Alongside your spouse, you may want to map out time to consult with a professional to help you sort through your feelings and make sense of what’s happening in your marriage.

Watch Susan L. Adler, an award-winning experienced psychotherapist, sharing the top secrets of couples counselors:

5. Patience and persistence

Healing from emotional neglect takes time, and progress may be slow. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work through the issues. It’s essential to stay committed to the process. 

Understand that setbacks may occur, but using these as opportunities for growth and learning can strengthen your resolve to rebuild emotional connection and create a more fulfilling marriage.

Can emotional neglect be grounds for divorce? 

Emotional neglect can be a valid reason for pursuing a divorce. It can lead to significant emotional distress and unhappiness and can be detrimental to one’s overall well-being.

In many cases, it can also impact the quality of the relationship and the emotional health of any children involved.

Although divorces in America are generally classified under no-fault and fault-based divorce scenarios, the final decision to call it quits and focus on repairing your life or holding onto the reins of this marriage to an emotionally unavailable partner is entirely up to you.

However, before making a final decision, take some time to consider every factor in play, like the well-being of your children, the extent of trauma/abuse you have endured, and any other factor you feel is essential.

Don’t ignore neglect and work on your marriage

Emotional neglect in marriage, if left unattended, can lead to breakdown and divorce. Consider the signs we discussed here if you feel you are currently going through this in your marriage.

If you have concerns like “My husband neglects me emotionally and sexually” or “My wife neglects me emotionally and sexually,” counseling and professional guidance from qualified therapists and self-care strategies may help you let go of the pain and move on with your life.

To get started with therapy, click here to find expert therapists near you.