15 Family Enmeshment Signs You Must Know

Most would agree that the ideal family is one where members are close, loving, and supportive. But, is there such a thing as being too close to your family? Those experiencing enmeshed family signs would say yes.

Signs of family enmeshment can be difficult to see because they often present themselves as a loving, tight-knit family. But the truth is, the enmeshed family system is hard on everyone involved and often involves a level of control that you wouldn’t exactly call a strong family bond.

Definition of an enmeshed family

What is enmeshment? Watch this video to know more.

What is an enmeshed family? The definition of enmeshment is to tangle or catch in something.

Imagine a fisherman standing out in the water using his dragnet to pull in a couple of fish, only to find he’s pulled in more than fifty fish. They are all flapping against each other with nowhere to go.

When you think of an enmeshed family definition, it has the same energy: Families who are sometimes too close for comfort. The enmeshed family definition is one where there are no boundaries.

5 features of enmeshed families

The signs of enmeshment are difficult to see when you are living it. Here are five common characteristics of enmeshed parent child relationships to keep an eye out for.

1. Viewing others as outsiders

It’s natural to feel close to your family, but when closeness dips into controlling behavior, it creates a social imbalance.

Research shows that controlling parents contribute to social anxiety in their children. By hindering their children from practicing social behaviors, parents limit the potential for children to become comfortable and confident around others outside of the family.

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2. A blurred line between parenting and friendship

Many parents hope to one day have a friendship with their children, but this friendship should not override their role as a parent.

Parents in enmeshed families often involve their children in adult issues that are inappropriate for a healthy parent-child dynamic.

3. Over involvement in children’s lives

The Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention reports that insecure family attachments will negatively affect the family dynamic.

Being overly involved in each other’s lives can harm school, work, and future relationships outside of the home.

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4. Conflict avoidance

 

Children in an enmeshed family system often have trouble saying no. They are so focused on pleasing their parents that they will often give in to their mother or father’s wishes simply to avoid feeling guilty or creating conflict.

5. Easily hurt or betrayed

Enmeshed families have an unusual level of closeness and feel hurt when their child or parent does not want to spend time together. This can cause a disproportionate sense of betrayal over small situations, such as not spending a holiday together or breaking social plans.

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Is enmeshment in families the same as having a close family?

A healthy family is one where the parents are supportive and set clear guidelines to help raise and protect their children.

Children, in turn, grow up learning about themselves and the world. They gain independence and develop personal boundaries.

Healthy families show respect and love for others in the household.

On the other hand, one of the biggest enmeshed family signs is being too involved with each other’s lives, to the point of being controlling.

Children of enmeshed families lack their own identity and have a difficult time becoming dependent or autonomous.

15 signs of enmeshment in a family

Here are 15 signs that your family is going through enmeshment.

1. Parents are overprotective

One of the most notable enmeshed family signs is over-protective parents.

Many parents are protective, and rightfully so, but an enmeshment relationship will take a parent’s general concern for their child and turn it on its head.

Parents under these circumstances may feel threatened by someone else coming in and taking their child’s time, which is often why those with enmeshed family patterns find it difficult to have relationships outside the home, romantic or otherwise.

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2. Feeling anxious when away from family members

By the enmeshed family definition, family members are very close. They spend all of their time together and are deeply rooted in each other’s personal lives.

Because of this, one sign of family enmeshment is feeling anxious or nervous when interacting with someone outside of the family.

3. Marital discord

What is an enmeshed family? It is often one where there is instability in the parent’s marriage.

Parents in the enmeshed family pattern will have a dysfunctional marriage and confide in their children about adult issues. Parents may also seek emotional support from children during marital crises.

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4. Parents acting like children

The enmeshed family system is often rooted in unhealthy emotions and creates a mismatched parent-child dynamic. Enmeshed parent-child relationships may even have an adult acting like a dependent and a child who is trying to take care of everything.

5. Extreme stress

One study that focused on different family-closeness levels found that children with enmeshed family signs often externalized their problems.

Stress is often externalized by children living under the enmeshed family definition.

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6. Parents facing addiction

Unfortunately, many living under the enmeshed family definition have parents who face addiction issues. This is common because drug or alcohol dependencies are less likely to abide by family boundaries.

7. Struggles in romantic relationships

What is an enmeshed family have to do with romantic relationships? A lot.

Those part of this family dynamic may have difficulties maintaining romantic relationships. This is often due to guilt for not spending more time with their family or their partner feeling like second fiddle to the family.

Over-involvement by the family in romantic matters adds to relationship frustrations.

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8. No regard for personal space

One of the biggest enmeshed family signs is a lack of respect for personal space.

Those in an enmeshment relationship will often do things such as demand there be no secrets between family, invade tech privacy such as e-mails and text messages, and cross other boundaries such as reading a child’s journal/diary.

9. Parenting with a mental illness

What is an enmeshed parent? They may have a mental illness, which makes drawing healthy boundaries difficult.

A parent who does not take care of their mental health puts their child at risk of social and emotional problems that can negatively impact their behavior.

Also Try: Does My Child Have a Mental Illness Quiz

10. A strong demand for loyalty

One of the most obvious enmeshed family signs is a demand for loyalty.

The enmeshed family system raises children to be so close to their parents that they feel guilty and disloyal for pursuing their independence.

11. Feeling trapped or smothered

What is an enmeshed family? It’s a situation where family members often feel smothered by their parents’ or siblings’ attention.

They may feel like they can’t have anything for themselves. There is a lack of privacy that makes them feel trapped.

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12. Family spends an inordinate amount of time together

The enmeshed family definition refers to being entangled, exactly how families behave in this situation.

Of course, it’s nice to be close to one’s family, but you may be in an enmeshment relationship if you are always with your family and do not have any friendships or hobbies that don’t include them.

13. Feeling burdened by responsibility

Another common enmeshed family sign is that children feel overly responsible for their parent’s needs and feelings.

An enmeshed family system sometimes forces a child to take on an adult’s role in the parent-child dynamic, which is highly unhealthy.

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14. Lack of independence

What is an enmeshed family? An enmeshment relationship makes children feel like they can’t form their own life goals. Even applying to a college out of town may make a child feel like they are abandoning their family unit.

15. Seeking out affairs and attention

One of the more common enmeshed family signs is young adults who always seek validation.

Those who have been in enmeshed family relationships who are now in romantic relationships may seek this validation (or a desire to be commitment-free after being tied to the family for so long) may be more prone to sexual encounters outside the relationship.

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Healing from an enmeshed family system

Part of the enmeshed family definition is that you and your family are practically intertwined, which makes healing from the trauma of your experiences difficult.

Here are three key steps to move on from your enmeshment relationship.

• Understand boundaries

Enmeshed family relationships make it difficult to create boundaries since family members are often overly involved in each other’s lives.

The first step to getting healthy is to set boundaries that limit your family’s access to your personal life.

Remember, this is not a cruel step. It is a necessary one.

Children raised in these airtight households are led to believe personal boundaries are selfish or that setting them means you don’t love your family.

This is not true.

Boundaries are not selfish. They are necessary for personal growth.

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• Go to therapy

Finding a therapist who is well versed in the enmeshed family system is the first step.

Going to therapy can help you understand your family’s enmeshed family characteristics and why this situation came to be your home dynamic.

A therapist can also help you work through self-worth and attachment issues, help you with setting boundaries, and overall aid you in recovery.

• Journey to self-discovery 

One of the most significant signs of enmeshment in families is being so dependent and attached to your family that you haven’t taken the time to discover yourself.

Go on a journey of self-discovery by making time for yourself.

Take a solo vacation, explore new hobbies, or get out of town for college or work. Make your friends and do things that make you happy and fill your soul with excitement.

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In Conclusion

Now that you know the biggest enmeshed family signs, you’ll be able to identify whether your family falls into this category.

Having a few enmeshed family signs does not necessarily mean that your home life is or was toxic, but it is always best to grow away from codependency or situations that make you feel disrespected.

Stop the enmeshed family pattern by rediscovering who you are and setting healthy boundaries with your parents and siblings.

Therapy can be an amazing tool for moving on from an enmeshment relationship and getting to the root of any attachment issues you are dealing with due to your upbringing.

Finding out who you are is like breathing fresh air after years of pollution. Never stop fighting for your right to independence and respect  – even if it means cutting family relationships out of your life.