What Is an Enmeshed Family? Features, Signs & How to Deal
Most would agree that the ideal family is one where members are close, loving, and supportive. But is there such a thing as being too close to your family? Those experiencing enmeshed family signs would say yes.
Signs of family enmeshment can be difficult to see because they often present themselves as a loving, tight-knit family. But the truth is, the enmeshed family system is hard on everyone involved and often involves a level of control that you wouldn’t exactly call a strong family bond.
What is an enmeshed family?
Imagine a fisherman standing out in the water using his dragnet to pull in a couple of fish, only to find he’s pulled in more than fifty fish. They are all flapping against each other with nowhere to go.
When you think of an enmeshed family, it can have the same energy: Families who are sometimes too close for comfort. The enmeshed family is one where there are no boundaries.
So, if we define it, An enmeshed family is a type of family structure where the boundaries between family members are unclear and often violated. In an enmeshed family, the members are highly emotionally dependent on each other, leading to a lack of autonomy and individuality.
Some common enmeshed family examples in this type of family may include having difficulty recognizing and accepting individual needs and preferences, and there may be a lot of conflict or pressure to conform to the group’s expectations.
Enmeshment can occur in any family structure, often resulting from generational patterns or unresolved emotional issues within the family dynamics.
7 features of enmeshed families
The signs of enmeshment are difficult to see when you are living it. Enmeshed families are generally characterized by blurred boundaries, lack of individual autonomy, and over-involvement in each other’s lives. Here are five features commonly associated with enmeshed families to keep an eye out for:
1. Viewing others as outsiders
It’s natural to feel close to your family, but when closeness dips into controlling behavior, it creates a social imbalance.
Research shows that controlling parents contribute to social anxiety in their children. By hindering their children from practicing social behaviors, parents limit the potential for children to become comfortable and confident around others outside of the family.
2. A blurred line between parenting and friendship
Many parents hope to one day have a friendship with their children, but this friendship should not override their role as parents. Parents in enmeshed families often involve their children in adult issues that are inappropriate for a healthy parent-child dynamic.
3. Over-involvement in children’s lives
One study shows that insecure family attachments can negatively affect the family dynamic. Being overly involved in each other’s lives can harm school, work, and future relationships outside of the home.
4. Conflict avoidance
Children in an enmeshed family system often have trouble saying no. They are so focused on pleasing their parents that they often give in to their mother or father’s wishes simply to avoid feeling guilty or creating conflict.
5. Easily hurt or betrayed
Enmeshed families have an unusual level of closeness and feel hurt when their child or parent does not want to spend time together. This can cause a disproportionate sense of betrayal over small situations, such as not spending a holiday together or breaking social plans.
6. Emotional fusion
Enmeshed families often experience emotional fusion, where individual emotions become intertwined and indistinguishable from one another. Family members may have difficulty discerning their own feelings from those of other family members. This emotional fusion can lead to a lack of emotional autonomy and hinder the development of healthy emotional boundaries.
7. Limited personal growth
In enmeshed families, there is often a lack of encouragement for individual members to pursue personal goals and aspirations.
The family system may prioritize the collective unit over individual growth, leading to limited opportunities for personal development. This can result in family members feeling stagnant or unfulfilled in their personal lives.
17 signs of enmeshment in a family
Enmeshment within a family is a complex and subtle dynamic that can significantly impact the relationships and well-being of its members. Here are 17 potential signs of enmeshed family:
1. Parents are overprotective
One of the most notable enmeshed family signs is over-protective parents.
Many parents are protective, and rightfully so, but an enmeshment relationship will take a parent’s general concern for their child and turn it on its head.
Parents under these circumstances may feel threatened by someone else coming in and taking their child’s time, which is often why those with enmeshed family patterns find it difficult to have relationships outside the home, romantic or otherwise.
2. Feeling anxious when away from family members
By the enmeshed family definition, family members are very close. They spend all of their time together and are deeply rooted in each other’s personal lives.
Because of this, one sign of family enmeshment is feeling anxious or nervous when interacting with someone outside the family.
3. Marital discord
An enmeshed family can be one where there is instability in the parent’s marriage. Parents in the enmeshed family pattern can have a dysfunctional marriage and confide in their children about adult issues. Parents may also seek emotional support from children during marital crises.
4. Parents acting like children
The enmeshed family system is often rooted in unhealthy emotions and creates a mismatched parent-child dynamic. Enmeshed parent-child relationships may even have an adult acting like a dependent and a child trying to take care of everything.
5. Extreme stress
One study on different family closeness levels found that children with enmeshed family signs often externalized their problems. Stress is often externalized by children living in the enmeshed family
6. Parents facing addiction
Unfortunately, many living in the enmeshed family have parents who face addiction issues. This is common because drug or alcohol dependencies are less likely to abide by family boundaries.
7. Struggles in romantic relationships
What does an enmeshed family have to do with romantic relationships? A lot.
Those who are part of this family dynamic may have difficulties maintaining romantic relationships. This is often due to guilt for not spending more time with their family or their partner feeling like a second fiddle to the family.
Over-involvement by the family in romantic matters adds to relationship frustrations.
8. No regard for personal space
One of the biggest enmeshed family signs is a lack of respect for personal space.
Those in an enmeshment relationship often do things such as demanding no secrets between family, invading tech privacy such as e-mails and text messages, and crossing other boundaries such as reading a child’s journal/diary.
9. Parenting with a mental illness
What is an enmeshed parent? They may have a mental illness, which makes drawing healthy boundaries difficult. A parent who does not take care of their mental health puts their child at risk of social and emotional problems that can negatively impact their behavior.
10. A strong demand for loyalty
One of the most apparent enmeshed family signs is a demand for loyalty. The enmeshed family system raises children to be so close to their parents that they feel guilty and disloyal for pursuing their independence.
11. Feeling trapped or smothered
What is an enmeshed family? It’s a situation where family members often feel smothered by their parents’ or siblings’ attention. They may feel like they can’t have anything for themselves. There is a lack of privacy that makes them feel trapped.
12. Family spends an inordinate amount of time together
The enmeshed family refers to being entangled, precisely how families behave in this situation.
Of course, it’s nice to be close to one’s family, but you may be in an enmeshment relationship if you are always with your family and do not have any friendships or hobbies that don’t include them.
13. Feeling burdened by responsibility
Another common enmeshed family sign is that children feel overly responsible for their parent’s needs and feelings.
An enmeshed family system sometimes forces a child to take on an adult’s role in the parent-child dynamic, which is highly unhealthy.
14. Lack of independence
An enmeshment relationship makes children feel like they can’t form their own life goals. Even applying to a college out of town may make a child feel like they are abandoning their family unit.
15. Seeking out affairs and attention
One of the more common enmeshed family signs is young adults who always seek validation.
Those who have been in enmeshed family relationships and are now in romantic relationships may seek this validation (or a desire to be commitment-free after being tied to the family for so long) and may be more prone to sexual encounters outside the relationship.
16. Shared decision-making without individual input
In an enmeshed family, decision-making processes often involve everyone in the family, but individual voices and preferences may not be given due consideration. Choices, even those pertaining to personal matters, are made collectively without respecting individual input or autonomy.
17. Emotional boundaries are blurred
Enmeshed families may struggle with maintaining clear emotional boundaries. Family members may feel an intense emotional connection, making it challenging to distinguish one person’s emotions from another’s. This lack of emotional separation can lead to heightened emotional turmoil and difficulties in forming healthy relationships outside the family unit.
7 ways to heal from family enmeshment trauma
Part of the enmeshed family is that you and your family are practically intertwined, which makes healing from the trauma of your experiences difficult.
Here are three seven key steps to move on from your enmeshment relationship.
1. Understand boundaries
Enmeshed family relationships make it difficult to create boundaries since family members are often overly involved in each other’s lives. The first step to getting healthy is to set boundaries that limit your family’s access to your personal life.
Remember, this is not a cruel step. It is a necessary one. Children raised in these airtight households are led to believe personal boundaries are selfish or that setting them means you don’t love your family. This is not true. Boundaries are not selfish. They are necessary for personal growth.
2. Go to therapy
Finding a therapist who is well-versed in the enmeshed family system is the first step. Therapy can help you understand your enmeshed family characteristics and why this situation became your home dynamic.
A therapist can also help you work through self-worth and attachment issues, help you set boundaries, and aid you in recovery overall.
3. Journey to self-discovery
One of the most significant signs of enmeshment in families is being so dependent and attached to your family that you haven’t taken the time to discover yourself. Go on a journey of self-discovery by making time for yourself.
Take a solo vacation, explore new hobbies, or get out of town for college or work. Make your friends, do things that make you happy, and fill your soul with excitement.
4. Establish a support system
Healing from family enmeshment trauma can be a challenging and emotional process. It’s essential to have a support system in place to lean on during this time.
Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can provide a listening ear, offer advice, or simply be there for you when you need someone to lean on.
You may also find solace in joining support groups or seeking out online communities where you can connect with others who have experienced similar traumas.
5. Practice self-care
Self-care is crucial in your healing journey. Take time to prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
Try activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as practicing mindfulness or meditation, exercising, spending time in nature, or engaging in creative outlets like writing or painting. Ensure you nourish your body with nutritious food, get enough sleep, and prioritize self-compassion.
6. Challenge negative beliefs
Growing up in an enmeshed family can lead to deeply ingrained negative beliefs about yourself and your worth. Work on challenging and replacing these negative beliefs with positive and empowering ones.
Practice self-affirmations, seek therapy, or engage in cognitive-behavioral techniques to rewire your thinking patterns and promote self-acceptance and self-love.
Check out this video featuring Dr. Jordan B. Peterson, a psychologist and author, discussing the journey to independence. He emphasizes the importance of personal growth, reaching a stage where answers cannot solely be found within the confines of your parents’ home:
7. Set and pursue your own goals
Breaking free from the enmeshment dynamic means reclaiming your own identity and pursuing your own goals and dreams. Take the time to identify your passions, interests, and goals that are independent of your family’s expectations.
Set realistic and achievable goals for yourself, whether related to education, career, personal growth, or relationships and actively work towards them.
Remember, healing from family enmeshment trauma is a journey, and it takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, seek support when needed, and celebrate the progress you make along the way.
FAQs
A healthy family is one where the parents are supportive and set clear guidelines to help raise and protect their children. In enmeshed families, however, families are too involved with each other’s lives to the point of being controlling.
Here, we’ll address questions related to enmeshment in families and its characteristics.
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Is enmeshment in families the same as having a close family?
Enmeshment in families isn’t synonymous with having a close family. While a close family emphasizes healthy boundaries and individuality, enmeshed families blur boundaries, leading to a lack of independence and personal identity.
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What does an enmeshed mother look like?
An enmeshed mother displays excessive emotional involvement and overprotection toward their child. They struggle with setting boundaries, which generally leads to making their child’s needs and emotions their own. This often results in a lack of autonomy and difficulty forming separate identities for the child.
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Are enmeshed parents narcissistic?
Enmeshed parents can exhibit narcissistic tendencies, but not all enmeshed parents are narcissistic. Narcissism involves an inflated sense of self-importance, while enmeshment primarily focuses on blurred boundaries and overinvolved relationships.
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Are enmeshed families toxic?
Enmeshed families can become toxic due to the lack of boundaries and independence. Excessive emotional dependence and blurred roles lead to difficulties in personal growth, autonomy, and healthy relationships outside the family dynamic.
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What is the difference between enmeshed and codependent?
Enmeshment and codependency share similarities, but there are distinctions. Enmeshment emphasizes blurred boundaries and overinvolvement, while codependency involves an unhealthy reliance on each other, often rooted in a caretaker role, enabling behaviors, and low self-esteem.
In a nutshell
Now that you know the most prominent enmeshed family signs, you can identify whether your family falls into this category.
Having a few enmeshed family signs does not necessarily mean that your home life is or was toxic, but it is always best to grow away from codependency or situations that make you feel disrespected.
Stop the enmeshed family pattern by rediscovering yourself and setting healthy boundaries with your parents and siblings.
Therapy can be a fantastic tool for moving on from an enmeshment relationship and getting to the root of any attachment issues you are dealing with due to your upbringing.
Finding out who you are is like breathing fresh air after years of pollution. Never stop fighting for your right to independence and respect – even if it sometimes means cutting family relationships out of your life.
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