7 Signs You’re Facing Relational Aggression in a Relationship

Sometimes, it’s not the yelling or the fights that hurt the most—it’s the cold silences, the subtle digs, the moments you feel invisible while standing right there.

You start to wonder… “Did I do something wrong?” or “Am I just being too sensitive?”

Not all wounds leave bruises; some are invisible, hidden in everyday exchanges that slowly chip away at your confidence. The tension builds quietly—through missed texts, one-sided conversations, or “jokes” that leave a sting. You might not even realize it’s happening at first.

But over time, you feel it—a shift, a distance, a constant need to explain yourself or prove your worth. It’s confusing, exhausting, and real.

What you’re experiencing may not be obvious, but it has a name—relational aggression—and it leaves a mark.

What is relational aggression in a relationship?

Relational aggression doesn’t always look harsh or loud. Sometimes, it hides behind politeness or even affection. It’s the kind of hurt that slips in quietly—leaving you second-guessing what just happened and wondering if it’s all in your head.

At its core, it’s about control… but not the obvious kind. It shows up in ways that chip at your emotional safety—slowly, subtly.

Here are a few relational aggression examples you might recognize:

• Giving you the silent treatment to punish or manipulate
• Making hurtful “jokes” and brushing them off with, “Relax, I was kidding”
• Excluding you from conversations or plans
• Using guilt to get their way
• Talking behind your back to others while smiling to your face

It’s subtle—but it’s still harmful.

7 signs you’re facing relational aggression in a relationship

Relational aggression in a relationship often doesn’t announce itself loudly. It’s subtle, quiet, and emotionally draining. You may feel confused, unsure whether what you’re experiencing is real or just “in your head.”

But if something consistently makes you feel smaller, less seen, or emotionally unsafe—it’s worth paying attention. Let’s look at 7 clear signs you may be dealing with this kind of behavior.

1. They give you the silent treatment

You’re met with complete silence after a disagreement—no texts, no calls, no eye contact. It feels like punishment, and you’re left feeling anxious, even desperate, just to break the silence.

It’s not space for cooling off; it’s control masked as “needing time.” Over time, this behavior can make you fear honest communication or conflict.

• Why it happens

The silent treatment is often used to regain power without confrontation. It creates an emotional imbalance, where one person calls the shots, and the other is left walking on eggshells.

This tactic is common in relational aggression psychology, where withholding attention becomes a form of control.

2. You’re the target of backhanded compliments

They praise you… but it stings. “You actually look nice today,” or “I’m surprised you did that so well”—compliments laced with judgment.

You feel confused—is it a compliment or a dig?

These mixed messages erode your self-esteem and leave you doubting your worth, often without knowing exactly why.

• Why it happens

This type of comment keeps you unsure of your place. It’s a subtle way to elevate themselves while diminishing you—without sounding “mean.”

It’s rooted in insecurity and the need to maintain an upper hand through emotional superiority.

3. They exclude you from important moments

Plans are made without you. Conversations happen around you, not with you. You find out things after everyone else—maybe it’s a party, maybe it’s a life update.

This exclusion creates an emotional distance, making you feel invisible in your own relationship. It’s isolating and painful.

• Why it happens

Exclusion is a form of emotional control. By leaving you out, they assert power and keep you feeling off-balance.

It’s also used to punish or signal displeasure—without having to say a word.

4. They use your vulnerabilities against you

Something you once shared in trust is now a weapon. A fear, a past mistake, or a personal story gets thrown back at you in an argument—or mocked when you least expect it.

What was once safe now feels dangerous. You begin to hold back, afraid of how your honesty might be used.

• Why it happens

Using vulnerabilities is a way to dominate emotionally.

It reinforces an unhealthy power dynamic where openness is punished rather than respected. It’s deeply manipulative, and over time, it breaks intimacy and trust.

5. They constantly compare you to others

You’re never quite “as good” as someone else—an ex, a friend, even a sibling. These comparisons don’t motivate; they wound.

You start wondering if you’re enough, trying harder to meet impossible standards. It feels like you’re always in competition for your own partner’s approval.

• Why it happens

Comparison is used to create insecurity and keep you chasing approval. It’s a way to feel in control by placing you in a lower emotional position.

It also shifts blame—if you’re always falling short, they don’t have to look at their own actions.

6. They act differently around others than with you

In public, they’re kind, attentive, and maybe even affectionate. But behind closed doors, they’re cold, critical, or dismissive. It’s jarring.

You question your experiences, especially when others see a totally different version of the person you’re struggling with. That emotional split creates confusion—and guilt.

• Why it happens

This behavior maintains their public image while dismissing your private reality.

It allows them to deny the harm they cause—after all, “no one else sees it.” It’s also a classic manipulation tactic that makes your truth feel less valid.

7. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells

You never know what will upset them. One day, something’s fine; the next, it triggers silence or sarcasm. You overthink your words, your tone, even your presence.

There’s no emotional safety, just constant monitoring. That constant state of tension becomes your new “normal.”

• Why it happens

This creates a power imbalance where one person is constantly adjusting while the other holds emotional control.

The unpredictability keeps you in a state of anxiety, making it easier for them to manipulate your behavior and responses.

Why relational aggression is so hard to spot

Relational aggression doesn’t always raise red flags—it often whispers instead of shouts. That’s what makes it so confusing. It hides behind everyday behavior… a joke here, a missed text there.

You may feel hurt, but not sure why. You question your feelings, downplay your instincts, and think maybe it’s just a “bad mood” or “normal couple stuff.” But deep down, something feels off.

It’s hard to name what you can’t clearly see. And it is even harder to explain to someone else.

Here’s why it’s often missed:

• It’s subtle, not loud or violent
• It’s framed as jokes, teasing, or “just being honest”
• It creates self-doubt and confusion
• Outsiders rarely see the harmful behavior
• It often builds slowly over time

That’s why so many people stay stuck in it—second-guessing themselves, hoping things will get better. But just because it’s quiet doesn’t mean it’s harmless. Emotional safety matters just as much as physical safety… maybe even more.

Is it possible to fix a relationally aggressive dynamic? 5 tips

Relational aggression can make a relationship feel emotionally unsafe, but that doesn’t always mean it’s doomed. If both people are willing to reflect, communicate, and truly grow, healing is possible.

It won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be easy, but with awareness, consistency, and care, change can happen.

1. Acknowledge that the behavior is happening

The first step is recognizing that something is off—not brushing it aside or pretending it’s “just how we are.” Both partners need to be honest about what’s happening and how it feels.

Denial only lets the damage grow deeper. Once acknowledged, it opens the door for real dialogue and healing.

• Things to look out for: Notice if one or both of you minimize, deflect, or blame. If phrases like “You’re too sensitive” come up often, that’s a sign the problem isn’t being fully acknowledged yet.

2. Talk about it without attacking each other

It’s important to create space where each of you can speak openly—without interruptions, sarcasm, or defensiveness.

Express how behaviors make you feel, not just what was done. Focus on understanding, not blaming. The goal is to be heard, not to “win.”

• Things to look out for: Watch your language—use “I feel…” instead of “You always…” Stay calm, take breaks if emotions get too high, and don’t rush the conversation. Healing takes patience.

3. Set clear emotional boundaries together

Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re gentle guidelines that protect connection.

Agree on what feels hurtful or off-limits, like no silent treatment, no weaponizing vulnerabilities, or no public humiliation. Respecting those boundaries helps rebuild trust over time.

• Things to look out for: If boundaries are repeatedly ignored or mocked, that’s a serious red flag. Revisit boundaries regularly and adjust them as needed. Respect should never feel negotiable.

4. Get support from a therapist or counselor

Sometimes, you need a third party—someone who can help you both see things more clearly and teach healthier communication tools.

Therapy can help uncover root causes, past wounds, and unhealthy patterns neither of you may realize you’re carrying.

• Things to look out for: If one partner refuses therapy or mocks the idea, that may signal a deeper unwillingness to grow. Choose a therapist who understands emotional dynamics and relationship trauma.

5. Rebuild trust through small, consistent actions

Change doesn’t come through promises—it comes through effort. The little things matter: following through, showing up, being kind even when you’re upset.

These moments stack up and slowly shift the emotional tone of the relationship.

• Things to look out for: Pay attention to effort, not perfection. Is your partner trying? Are you? Look for small, repeated steps in the right direction, not one-time gestures followed by the same old patterns.

Love isn’t meant to wound you

Love should feel like comfort—not confusion, silence, or subtle pain. If you find yourself shrinking, second-guessing your worth, or walking on eggshells… that’s not love showing up in its best form.

The real connection doesn’t rely on guilt, shame, or power plays—it builds on respect, kindness, and safety. You deserve to feel emotionally safe, heard, and valued—every day, not just on the good days.

And if someone’s love constantly leaves you hurt or unsure, it’s okay to pause and ask, “Is this truly love—or just what I’ve learned to accept?”

You’re allowed to want more.