Treading Carefully: Getting Back Together After Separation

So you want to enhance your chances of reconciliation after separation?

Surviving a separation from your spouse does not happen accidentally.

However, individuals who are able to learn how to reconcile a marriage after separation have typically engaged in certain behaviors to increase the chances to ensure that things will work out for the marriage.

What is a legal separation?

Unlike a divorce where a couple formally ends a marriage, a legal separation entitles them to stay apart wherein financial and physical boundaries are created.

A marriage separation agreement detailing the management of assets and children is issued. Such a couple formally stays married on paper and cannot remarry.

An informal form of this is trial separation where legal proceedings don’t take place. In many cases, separations are better than taking a divorce as the chances of reconciliation after separation are higher.

Is it possible to get back with an ex?

Occasionally and against the odds, some couples are able to reconcile after a period of separation.

Statistics based on couples getting back together after a separation show that while 87% of couples finally end their relationship in divorce after a separation, the remaining 13% are able to reconcile post-separation.

Moving back in after separation and reuniting with your spouse post temporary dissolution of marriage or a trial separation, is the ultimate goal that most of the estranged couples are hoping for.

As the day of getting back with an ex approaches near, there are so many apprehensions surrounding the reconciliation. This might be the last shot at resolving important issues and moving to reconcile with the spouse.

Can separated couples reconcile? Reconciliation post separation is not just wishful thinking, but a reasonable probability.

Begin with honesty while contemplating to reconcile after a separation. You and your partner must be willing to honestly depict the issues that led to the trouble.

Whether it be abuse, infidelity, addiction, or the like, the “cards” must be put on the table.

If partners cannot be honest about the areas that hurt, then how can they expect to be forthcoming about the changes that need to occur to bolster the marriage?

A counselor is always advisable for getting back together after separation.

Seek the wisdom of someone who’s been there in the past or someone well-suited to offer you tools that help nourish honesty, vision, and intimacy to improve the chances of reconciling after separation.

How to successfully get back together after a break-up

If you are wondering how to get your husband back after separation or how to get back with your wife, you need to take the right steps to enhance your chances of getting back together, save your marriage and rebuild the companionship between you and your spouse.

Perhaps the next most important step for getting back together after separation is to insert a healthy dose of transparency into the relationship. If the trust has eroded, then transparency is the appropriate antidote.

Being open about finances, personal habits, and schedules will help the couple regain some measure of trust. It’s never a bad idea to consider coaching.

If you have some people in your life – professional or lay – who can model a best practice of person-first dialogue, then engage them.

Additionally, you also need to be honest and ask yourself some difficult questions. Carefully think through the below before getting back together after separation:

• • Did you end the relationship or did your partner? During the separation, did you both get a chance to talk openly and honestly about what went wrong with your relationship? If no, then now’s the time to have an open and honest dialogue with each other.
  • Have any of you changed since the relationship ended or the temporary separation began? If yes, then how? Have those changes brought you closer together or further apart?
  • While you were apart, were you aware of what was going on in the other person’s life?
  • Are there any other important factors that could affect your relationship in the future while getting back together with your ex?

What new skills or resources are you both willing to use now to make the relationship work? (Something that was never used before)

Saving a marriage after separation: Give reconciliation a chance

A wise soul once quipped, “Sometimes two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.” Do you agree?

Clearly, space has a way of showing us what matters, what doesn’t, what hurts, and what helps.

If you are intent on getting back together after separation, and your partner is willing to do their part, then, by all means, give reconciliation a chance.

But before treading ahead, consider signs of reconciliation after separation.

What are the signs indicative of a spouse looking for a reconciliation? If your spouse gets nostalgic about the good time spent together and suggests seeking counseling or marriage therapy together.

Breaking up and getting back together takes a toll on your emotional health and a therapist can assist you in tiding over these tough times.

There is a consistent calmness, positivity, and stability in your spouse’s behavior and they assume ownership for part of their damage to the relationship.

They might exhibit signs of worry about the outcome of the counseling but are nonetheless determined to do all it takes to save the marriage.

If you want to make your marriage work, here are some tips that will help you get back together after a separation:

• Accept your mistakes: To make the marriage work, you both HAVE TO accept your mistakes that contributed towards the break up in the first place. Couples who go down the path of reconciliation must be willing to say sorry. Understand that forgiveness, trust, and openness to make amends will be the main ingredients that can save your marriage again and make the task of moving back in after separation a lot easier.
• Be ready for changes: Perhaps the most important of all things while getting back together after separation is to be ready for changes. Accept that the relationship cannot go back to where it was before the separation; because that will only lead to another failure.
  Speak openly about your wants and desired changes. And be prepared to change yourself too for the sake of your partner.
• Acknowledge: Appreciate your spouse whenever you notice an effort from their side to improve the relationship. You too must make efforts to let them know the same. Share your feelings, hopes, desires and your willingness to do whatever it takes to make this relationship a success.
• Give it time: Getting back together after separation doesn’t happen overnight. Rebuild your relationship slowly and give it ample time, so you (as well as your partner) can be ready again for its many demands. Give each other enough time and space to work things out. When thought and importance are given to this, then both partners can think rationally and change whatever needs to be changed. Recognize your own faults and work on them too.

Final thoughts

Separation is when people can reassess their relationship and return to it with a renewed appreciation of what they’ve got. The tips mentioned in this article can help guide you through the reconciliation process.

These tips should be useful if you are experiencing a broken relationship and are looking at how to reconcile after a separation.

The most you can do is give it your best shot, and if it does not work out the way you envisioned, seek support and you will heal in a more complete way.

Expert Q&A

How can my wife and I get back on track after a separation when we have issues in almost every area?

Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

This is probably something that will need to be resolved with the assistance of a marriage counselor. When you say "issues in every area" I am not entirely sure what you mean, but it sounds like you'll need to work on things like intimacy, communication, and quality time spent together.

My husband and I have a two and a four-year-old, but we have been separated for 9 months. He is an alcoholic and has also cheated on me multiple times with the same woman. He has been reaching out recently, saying he misses me and the kids. He says that he knows he needs to come home, but he is scared of being a failure. The other woman is still in the picture as well. Is it advisable for us to reconcile?

Anne Duvaux

Coach

Expert Answer

Reconciliation can be a wonderful thing but only if both are willing and able to make some changes. If reconciliation means going back into old, unhealthy patterns, it might not be the wisest approach. Only you can answer the question yourself but perhaps find a way to reflect first on what you need for things to be different this time but also what you can offer to change. Secondly, sit down with him, perhaps over several occasions, and talk about how you can set up a different structure to make things work this time. That means sharing and agreeing your boundaries as well as reviewing your life goals and how they can align. Moreover, where is he on his journey of recovery from alcoholism and how does it involve you in his mind, and how does that meet what you feel you can manage? The other woman is not necessarily an issue depending on whether you can both agree, and follow through, on what you both want from this other woman. Finally, it's worth looking up, if you haven't already, some of the Gottman Institute's guidelines on sharing your love maps and setting up weekly check-in dates, amongst other tips for getting the right structure in place for building a healthy relationship.

How can my husband and I overcome our irreconcilable differences? We are separated but have been living under the same roof. We avoid talking about our differences as this causes us to argue even more with each other, which ends up resolving nothing. I am very sad and at a loss for how to make things better. We used to have so much fun together, but this has dissolved between us over the years.

Christiana Njoku

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this in your marriage, as it can be emotionally draining. However, in addressing your differences, ensure you consider each other's perspectives as a way to avoid arguments. Try writing down your concerns and feelings, then share them with your husband for you both to have a conversation, as a way to rebuild your communication. You can also see a couple's therapist. Remember you are in the marriage to complement each other. Though reconnecting takes time, effort, and patience, you just have to take small steps toward healing and reconciling your connection.

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Calantha Quinlan Author

Calantha Quinlan is a talented writer with a passion for exploring the depths of the human experience. Her writing is characterized by its raw honesty, emotional depth, and sensitivity to the complexities of life. Calantha’s work... Read more covers a wide range of topics, from love and relationships to personal growth and spirituality. Her writing is known for its ability to inspire readers to live more meaningful and fulfilling lives and to approach challenges with courage and grace. When she’s not writing, Calantha can be found indulging in her love for photography, capturing the beauty of the world through her lens. She also enjoys practicing yoga and meditation, which help her to stay centered and grounded in a busy world. Read less