10 Important Lessons You Can Learn From a Failed Marriage

Like any other failure in life, a failed marriage is a treasure trove of lessons that molds us into becoming the better version of ourselves. 

Although heartbreaking, it is always a good idea to take our experiences with a grain of salt and keep the wisdom we acquired as we move on in life.

There is no denying that moving on from a failing marriage is not always easy. It is daunting to wrap your head around the idea that the person you once loved is now causing you anguish and sadness.

Despite the pain, this ordeal is gifting you with life and love’s greatest lessons. This unpleasant time in your life will teach you maturity, strength, and valuable insights into why the relationship didn’t work. 

It is prudent to look back and evaluate why your relationship failed and to heal from the past before jumping into a new relationship.

Related Reading: Real Reasons Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

10 important marriage lessons from a failed marriage

As you recuperate and go over this learning process, some important marriage lessons can be learned from a failed marriage.

1. Communication is important

Effective communication is a crucial ingredient for a successful marriage. You can avoid misunderstandings and resentment if both of you talk about your issues and concerns openly.

In most cases, marriage doesn’t work when partners hide their feelings and are not doing anything to open up.

Discussing a matter that’s been troubling you can be awkward and uneasy, but keeping silent won’t make the problem go away. Instead, it will snowball and will eventually become a reason for you to fight and argue.

A marriage that doesn’t work usually starts with a breakdown in communication that leads to the first step of a failing marriage.

When you foster deep and meaningful conversations, both of you can be open without fear of judgment.

Even in a heated argument, stay respectful and sensitive to each other’s feelings and proactively work on resolving your issues.

According to Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz, LCSW:

If a previous marriage has failed due to a lack of communication, take the lesson to heart and recognize that success in future relationships will require healthy communication skills.

2. Sex is essential

Sexual satisfaction is crucial for a healthy relationship between married couples as it gives the avenue to connect both emotionally and physically.

Making love is a unique and intimate bond both of you can share.

Unhappy marriages start when couples deny each other sex or when one partner establishes physical and emotional intimacy with another person other than their wife or husband.

Bonobology, a website about relationships, noted that cheating starts when one person inside a marriage craves and longs for physical intimacy from someone other than their partner.

Most marriages end in divorce because of sex-related differences and issues. Aside from being open about your emotional needs, you also need to have honest and regular conversations about how you can fulfill your sexual needs.

Related Reading: Physical or Emotional Relationship: What’s More Important

3. Relationships take work

Failing to make certain sacrifices and adjustments are some of the common reasons why marriages don’t work. 

One of the greatest marriage lessons from most failed marriages is that relationships require work from both partners. Nonetheless, they shouldn’t be hard all the time.

Relationships are indeed complicated and are not always rainbows and butterflies. There are bumps in the road that will test your commitment and love.

Successful marriages are made when couples are willing to sort things out, compromise, and go the extra mile to resolve marital issues.

Even if you are already married, you and your spouse must continue to do something extra to keep the spark and chemistry alive. A little room for patience, understanding, and compromise can benefit your marriage.

Learn to make personal sacrifices and make your spouse feel appreciated and valued.

Nevertheless, trying to make your relationship work should not be hard all the time since marriages are meant to be enjoyed.

4. Love can be reawakened

Conflicts, fights, misunderstandings are brutal to work through sometimes. When in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage, we tend to think of divorce as the ultimate solution.

However, the greatest lesson on marriage is that love can be rekindled.

Sometimes, marriage counseling or therapy sessions are all that a couple needs to smooth out their differences when marriages go bad.

If both of you are willing to try everything to reconcile your differences and salvage your marital vows, then go ahead and do it.

This is a good direction for fixing your marriage. A relationship therapist can help you find solutions to work through your problems and figure out ways to rekindle your love, trust, and intimacy.

Dr. Schulz adds that:

It’s normal to have a honeymoon stage, full of intense passion, at the beginning of a relationship. In a long-term marriage, some of the passion may fade, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is over.

A marriage can be sustained over time, even as passion fades, with intentional effort from both partners.

Related Reading: 4 Easy Ways to Romance Your Husband & Rekindle Your Relationship

5. No marriage is perfect

Marriage can be a lonely affair, and like any other endeavor, there is no perfect marriage. If you commit to a marriage thinking that everything will be perfect, you are in for a ride in realizing your marriage mistake.

There is no perfect marriage, no couple is perfect, and no partner is faultless. However, despite these imperfections, you can still have a happy and satisfying marital relationship. The key is acceptance and commitment.

Once you accept yourself and your partner’s flaws and imperfections, you are on the road to a happy and fulfilling marriage.

If you try to accept and work everything out, yet somehow you are still unhappy, never be afraid to consider leaving. This is especially true if you are in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

6. Quality time is vital

The best gift you can offer your spouse is your time. If you and your spouse don’t spend quality time together, you lose the bond and intimacy needed to keep the fire alive.

Sometimes, couples get too caught up with work, taking care of the kids, and other marital responsibilities that they forget to spend time with their spouses.

This could be a contributing factor as to why marriages don’t work. Time is a vital ingredient to make your spouse feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.

Refrain from spending too much time on your phone or social media as these could be relationship killers. A partner’s behavior to snub a spouse over a mobile phone is one major cause.

When your marriage is failing, it is highly advised to spend time together doing something fun, exciting, or relaxing. This will help you to connect physically and emotionally and get on the right track again.

Related Reading: 4 Must-Know Reasons Why Marriages Fail

7. Little things matter

The other lesson that can be learned from a failed marriage is that all things, even the little one’s matter. No matter how trivial, any unresolved differences can be a significant factor in why you can’t ultimately connect with your spouse.

Know your non-negotiables before finally committing yourself to someone. If you are unhappy in your marriage because of small stuff you can’t let go of, then one way or another, it will creep up into your marriage.

You will only know that there is an issue when your marriage is failing.

Don’t get into a relationship thinking you can change a person. If you are not willing to compromise, it would be best not to settle down with someone who does things that tick you off.

Learn to appreciate the little things in life with this video: 

8. Be secure with yourself

This is a cliché, but it is true – you must love yourself entirely before you can love someone else. Unsuccessful marriages are often associated with insecurity.

When a partner is insecure, they have a constant need to control the relationship, stifling the other partner. This need for control often stems from deep insecurity and a lack of confidence.

If you want to enjoy and have a lasting marriage, learn to be secure with yourself rather than finding your sense of security from your partner. While it can be comforting to find security from someone else, you risk sabotaging your self-worth, and this could result in a failed marriage.

Related Reading: 25 Signs You’re in a Controlling Relationship

9. Have a separate life from your partner

To avoid a failing marriage, both partners should enjoy doing things separately. Never forget who you are or lose yourself even after becoming someone else’s husband or wife.

It is important to strike a balance to completely abandon your identity, hobbies, interests, or passions.

Continue to nourish your relationships with your friends and families and do the things that you love. Don’t change who you are to adapt to your partner’s life.

Please talk with your spouse and let them know how important it is for you to keep your identity and remain who you are.

An emotionally mature partner will appreciate that their spouse is doing something they love despite being married. When you are happy as a person, your marriage will also be happier.

10. Know the difference between love and infatuation

Before committing to a relationship, there is a need for the importance of love and limerence and how to tell them apart. The start of a budding relationship is always magical and full of bliss.

We may think that we genuinely love someone and get carried away by our emotions.

But when marriages go wrong, many will find themselves in a tricky situation where they’ll start to question what they feel. Some people marry because of reasons other than love.

Marrying for convenience will eventually backfire. If you enter marriage and you are not in love, there’s a greater probability that it will be a failing marriage.

Related Reading: How to Get out of a Bad Marriage

Conclusion

There is no doubt that unsuccessful marriages are often associated with shame and failure. However, despite the stigma, there is a lot to learn from a failing or a failed marriage.

If you think, “Is my marriage doomed,” then it’s time to reconsider your decision and evade common marriage pitfalls.

Jenni Schulz highlights that:

Learn what you can from a failed marriage so you don’t carry the same mistakes into your next relationship.

Use the above lessons to understand where things went wrong, and who knows, true love will find you. This time, you are more likely to be successful because of the valuable lessons learned.