How to Stop Being Self-Centered: 25 Practical Ways
You might have heard your partner say you’re selfish multiple times during fights. Even your friends might tell you you’re being too self-centered in your relationship. You’ve also started to notice that sometimes you make selfish decisions without thinking about your partner.
Making such self-centered actions can have severe consequences for your relationship. Your partner might be unhappy, which could lead to more stress, tension, and breakdowns. You might’ve realized this by now — it’s time to learn how to stop being self-centered.
What does being self-centered mean in a relationship?
If you’re given a chance between choosing what makes only you happy and what makes you and others happy, which would you pick? If you said you’re picking the one that makes only you happy (who cares about other people?), you’re being self-centered.
While it can be a simplistic hypothetical, relationships can get quite messy. Would you willingly spend a weekend with your in-laws just for your partner’s happiness?
Self-centered partners tend to see their relationships only through their perspective. If this sounds like you, it might be time to learn how not to be self-centered.
5 possible causes of self-centeredness
Self-centeredness can hinder healthy relationships, lead to conflicts, and limit personal growth. Understanding what causes self-centeredness can shed light on its origins and potentially help individuals develop self-awareness and promote more empathetic and considerate behaviors. Here are five common causes of self-centeredness:
- Insecurity: Individuals lacking self-confidence or deep-seated insecurities may resort to self-centered behaviors as a defense mechanism. They attempt to shield themselves from rejection or criticism by placing their needs at the forefront.
- Upbringing: Parenting styles that overly prioritize a child’s needs and desires can contribute to the development of self-centeredness. When children grow up accustomed to having their every whim catered to without learning about empathy and consideration for others, they may continue this pattern into adulthood.
- Cultural influences: Certain cultures or societal norms emphasize individualism, competition, and personal achievements. In such contexts, individuals may be encouraged to prioritize their own interests above all else, cultivating a self-centered mindset.
- Lack of perspective-taking skills: Some individuals struggle to understand or empathize with the experiences and emotions of others. This can be due to limited social exposure, emotional intelligence, or underdeveloped perspective-taking skills, leading to self-centeredness.
- Emotional immaturity: Emotional immaturity, such as an inability to regulate emotions or respond appropriately to others, can contribute to self-centered behavior. Individuals with emotional immaturity may struggle with controlling impulses and lack the emotional capacity to consider the needs of others.
It is important to note that self-centeredness exists on a continuum, and most individuals may sometimes exhibit self-centered behaviors. However, cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and understanding the causes behind self-centeredness can guide individuals toward developing healthier and more balanced interpersonal relationships.
How to stop being self-centered in a relationship: 25 ways
Overcoming self-centeredness in a relationship is a positive step towards building a healthier and more fulfilling connection with your partner. Here are some suggestions to help you become less self-centered and learn how to be less self-centered:
1. Learn to empathize
If you’re not someone who is good at understanding other people, this can be a little difficult in the beginning. But learning how to empathize with someone is very important if you’re trying to stop being self-centered.
Thinking about what you would do and feel if you were in the shoes of others is a great way to develop this.
According to Licensed clinical social worker Maggie Martinez:
Practice reflective listening to ensure you are understanding how that person feels.
Think about what you would want your partner to do for you — and do the same for them.
2. Ask your partner questions and listen
A common characteristic of a self-centered person is that they tend to live in their own heads. Learning to care and think about others can be challenging. You can develop this skill slowly, which can significantly impact the happiness of your relationship.
You can take baby steps toward this — ask your partner how they’re doing and pay attention to what they say.
Giving your partner an opportunity to talk while you’re actively listening to them can make your partner feel cared for and help you learn how to become less self-centered. Furthermore, your partner may also try to learn how to deal with a self-centered person.
3. Learn to make your partner a priority
If you’re a self-centered person, you might realize that you hardly ever choose your partner over your work.
It can be very upsetting for your partner and disastrously affects your relationship. When you’re forced to make an effort to choose something that will make your partner happy, so they feel like they are a priority in your life.
4. Do nice things for your partner
Being a nice person is high on the list of things to do to stop being self-centered. It can be small acts of kindness like making your partner a cup of coffee or helping them reorganize their office. Doing nice things for your partner can help you grow out of being selfish.
5. Engage in your partner’s interests
Learning to engage in and appreciate your partner’s interests is essential if you’re trying to change your self-centered behavior. Doing the things your partner likes can make them feel important and bring the two of you together. It can also help you come out of your comfort zone and help you grow.
6. Acknowledge your partner’s life beyond just you
Self-centered men in relationships tend to think that the world revolves around them. You can’t expect your partner to do things for you constantly. Acknowledging your partner has a life outside of caring for you is crucial. This can prevent lots of conflicts and make it easy on your partner.
7. Stop demanding favors
You might be wondering if being self-centered is a bad thing. While it might not seem a big deal to you, the people around you tend to suffer. Demanding big, unreasonable favors from your partner can put a lot of strain on your relationship.
Demanding favors is also a way to exploit your partner’s love for you. Research shows that relationships are built on balance; demanding too much can upset this balance and can be harmful to you and your partner. So, slowing down your demands is beneficial to change your self-centered behavior.
8. Make compromises
Do you expect everything in your life to go the way you want?
If you find yourself blaming your partner when things don’t go your way or when they want to do something you want, stop and recognize that this is a selfish response. Relationships are a give and take. So, learning how to compromise is essential if you want to have a healthy relationship.
9. Pay attention to your partner
Many times, relationships fall apart because partners don’t pay attention to each other. Self-centered relationships like this block communication since both partners are expecting the other to pay attention to them, while they don’t make an effort to do the same.
Research shows that lack of attention can ruin a relationship. In a time when phones are always in our hands, paying attention can be difficult. But if you’re working on how to stop being self-centered, it’s good to change how you interact with your partner.
10. Stop treating your partner like your property
One common self-centered trait in a person is that they treat their partner like they belong to them. Just because you’re in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you can lord over them; to change your self-centered behavior, be conscious of how you treat your partner, and ensure you don’t make their decisions for them.
11. Do something thoughtful
You might be wondering why I am so selfish and self-centered. This could be because you tend to focus only on yourself. To stop feeling this way, try to do something thoughtful for your partner, like getting them the dress they’ve wanted for a long time or taking them on a surprise date.
12. Ask and value your partner’s opinions
Typical self-centered behavior is to speak for your partner. By diminishing your partner’s voice, you’re controlling them. To change this behavior, stop yourself when you’re talking too much and give that space to your partner.
Encourage them to share their thoughts by asking questions and showing them you listen.
13. Be aware of your selfish actions
A key part of stopping being self-centered is recognizing when you’re being selfish. Be aware of when this behavior comes out, and make a conscious effort to hold yourself back. Being conscious of your actions can help you change them.
14. Be generous in your relationship
Selfish and self-centered behavior comes out when you’re stingy- with money, time, and effort. Take a moment to think about whether you’re treating your partner right.
Do you provide them with the things that they need? Do you spend quality time with them? Do you put in effort to make your partner happy? If you’re not doing any of these things, it’s time to start.
15. Cater to your partner’s needs
A good way to stop being self-centered is to care for other people. When caring for people, you need to think about what they want or might need or what makes them happy. This can help you make connections with another person on an intimate level
16. Stop displacing your anger
When things don’t go your way, you get angry. And when you get angry, you might’ve noticed that you get into more fights with your partner or that your relationship worsens. This is probably because you’re displacing your frustrations on your partner.
Licensed clinical social worker Maggie Martinez explains that:
Displacement is the choice to become angry with the people closest to you because you are angry with someone or something else.
Displacement is a very self-centered thing to do because you’re ruining your partner’s mood and making them feel bad for something they didn’t do.
17. Take on additional responsibilities
The best tip on how to stop being self-centered in your relationship is to take on some of your partner’s responsibilities to ease their burden. This can involve doing some chores around the house, picking up the kids, or fixing broken household equipment.
Taking on responsibilities can also make you more aware of what your partner goes through and can help you empathize.
18. Celebrate your partner’s special days
If you’re a self-centered person, it’s probably characteristic of you to forget important dates like birthdays or anniversaries. Trying to keep track of these days and celebrating them with your partner can help you be more involved in your relationship.
19. Compliment your partner everyday
You might think this is unnecessary because your partner already knows how you feel about them, but if you’re trying to stop being self-centered, complimenting them can make them more special and help you think about other people, not just yourself.
20. Don’t use your partner
If you’re looking for ways to change your personality and how to stop being self-centered, it’s time to assess your relationship. Are you in a relationship with your partner because you like them, or can you use them for your benefit?
Maybe you’re using your partner for their money or their connections. This is a typical self-centered personality. And if you think you are simply using them, it’s best to cut things off before you hurt your partner.
21. Leave your ego at the door
A common self-centered trait is self-indulgent behavior. You might be very egoistic in your social circles, or your job role might demand a certain level of confidence. But when you’re with your partner, it’s time to put that aside.
Be intimate and vulnerable with your partner- it might also be a great relief for your emotional health.
22. Don’t be selfish in bed
Self-centered people tend to only care about themselves, including their personality in bed. Remember that engaging in sex is something that both you and your partner should enjoy.
So try to be less demanding and look towards pleasuring your partner more than being focused on yourself.
23. Listen to non-verbal cues
When people feel their partners don’t care about them, they tend to close up and not express themselves openly. So, if you want to help them open up, reading their non-verbal cues is essential.
Research shows that reading these cues can help you develop stronger relationships and eliminate self-centered behavior.
24. Don’t keep talking about yourself
One of the characteristics of a self-centered person is that they constantly talk about themselves. If you’re trying to be a better person, free up space for your partner to talk.
Catch yourself when you’re ranting about something that happened to you, and change the topic to your partner instead.
Watch the TED Talk featuring Billy Ward, a licensed professional counselor, as he emphasizes the significance of both giving and receiving love. He illustrates this point through the story of one of his students:
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25. Show affection
Showing affection and being intimate with your partner is a perfect way to overcome your selfish personality. Showing affection means that you’re actively caring about someone.
It can not only increase your and your partner’s happiness but can also help you develop characteristics of kindness, vulnerability, and empathy.
26. Practice gratitude
A self-centered mindset often overlooks the positive aspects of a relationship. Take time to reflect on and appreciate your partner’s qualities, efforts, and positive contributions to the relationship.
Expressing gratitude can shift your focus from self-centered tendencies to a more appreciative and positive outlook on your partner and the relationship.
27. Seek feedback and be open to change
Self-awareness is crucial in overcoming self-centeredness. Actively seek feedback from your partner about your behavior and be open to constructive criticism.
Use this feedback as an opportunity for personal growth and make a genuine effort to implement positive changes in your actions and mindset.
FAQs
Self-centered behavior can have varying effects on relationships and personal growth. In this section, we will address some common questions regarding self-centeredness.
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Is being self-centered bad?
Being self-centered may have negative implications for relationships and social interactions. It can make others feel neglected and hinder personal growth and empathy. Learning to strike a balance between self-care and consideration for others is key to developing healthy relationships.
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Why am I so selfish and self-centered?
Self-centeredness could stem from factors such as a lack of emotional intelligence, past experiences, or low self-esteem. Reflecting on your behavior, seeking therapy, or engaging in self-reflection exercises can help identify underlying reasons and develop healthier perspectives.
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Can a self-centered person love you?
While self-centered people can experience love, their focus on self may hinder their ability to reciprocate and meet their partner’s needs fully. Building a healthy relationship with a self-centered person may require open communication, setting boundaries, and encouraging empathy.
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Am I self-centered or a narcissist?
Self-centeredness and narcissism share similarities but are not the same. Both involve a strong focus on self, but narcissism includes a higher sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. Professional evaluation or self-assessment tools can help determine if you exhibit narcissistic traits.
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Are self-centered people immature?
Self-centeredness can be a sign of immature behavior, particularly when it comes to emotional intelligence and considering the feelings and needs of others. However, it’s essential to recognize that people can display self-centered behavior due to various factors, and maturity may develop over time with self-awareness and personal growth.
To sum up
Your journey of understanding how to stop being self-centered is a hard one, but it is definitely something that you will not regret.
If you’re having difficulty incorporating changes into your lifestyle, consider going to therapy sessions. It’s not impossible to let go of your selfish behavior- you just need to make an effort!
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