How to Escape the Roommate Syndrome in Relationships: 5 Ways

There are phases that any relationship will likely go through, and some may be better than others. However, if you feel like you and your partner are going through roommate syndrome, you should stop and take notice of this.

Here’s a look at what this means and what you can do about it.

What is roommate syndrome?

To understand the roommate syndrome definition, you must first understand the roommate definition. So, what is a roommate? A roommate is a person you live with and are likely comfortable with, but your relationship is platonic.

When roommate syndrome occurs, this happens within a romantic relationship or marriage, where it seems like you are going through your life being roommates with your partner instead of engaging in all the things that a romantic relationship normally has.

According to Kimberly Smith, a licensed mental health counselor:

There may not be a lot of fighting or conflict at this point in a relationship, but there isn’t any companionship either. It’s like two boats passing each other in the same ace.

Cause of roommate syndrome

There are many possible causes of a roommate phase in your relationship. This can be anything from you haven’t spent quality time together in a while, you are too busy to be intimate with each other, or you just need to put in the same effort you used to.

Over time, relationships can have their ups and downs, and because of life and routines, it can be difficult to connect with your partner in ways you want to. Not taking the time to keep cultivating your relationship may lead to the roommate stage of marriage, which you may want to avoid.

Roommate syndrome signs

Here are a few signs that you may be living in a roommate state of marriage.

1. You don’t talk to each other

When did you last have a meaningful conversation with your mate? Sure, you may ask them what they want for dinner or what they want to watch on television, but a relationship is about more than that.

Try to interact and communicate with your spouse as much as possible, so you will know what is going on in their life, and they can stay a major part of yours. When you approach talking to them in a fair way, this can allow you to improve communication.

2. You hardly see each other

Maintaining your relationship with your partner can be difficult when you hardly ever see them. This can be a major sign that you may have a roommate syndrome marriage, especially if you have been living this way for a while and haven’t noticed it.

Moreover, if you notice this is occurring, consider what you want to do about it. The sooner you can make changes, the more likely you can put your relationship back on track.

3. You aren’t being intimate

A lack of intimacy is one of the major conflicts that can occur in a marriage or relationship. If you are experiencing this in yours, consider taking steps to change this. You can start by keeping the lines of communication open.

You can also do things together to reignite the flame you once had for each other, even if it means you have to schedule when you want to have sex. While this doesn’t seem romantic, having this on a calendar could give you the time to plan what you want to do together.

4. You don’t have fun together

You may have difficulty remembering when you last had fun with your partner. This needs to be remedied as soon as possible since it is a matter of getting busy that has kept you from enjoying each other’s company.

Think about what you want to do with your spouse. You may want to go on a fancy date or vacation together.

How do you overcome roommate syndrome? 5 Ways

Is it possible to overcome this syndrome before it leads to a roommate marriage divorce? The answer is yes. Here’s a look at a few ways to do so.

1. Remember what you like about your partner

Try your best to remember what you like about your partner. You likely still have a great relationship even if you have gotten busy or distracted with your life and routines. When you take the time to think about what you like about your significant other, this can cause you to want to connect with them more than you do.

For example, if your husband is a good cook and you haven’t had something cooked by him in a while, you should talk to him about this and tell him how you miss his cooking. This can help you find something to do together to bring you closer.

2. Be spontaneous

Another technique that can help you improve the condition of your relationship is to be spontaneous. It can be detrimental to your bond to plan everything out. Spontaneousness can be more fun, and these gestures don’t have to be large.

Perhaps you were craving pizza, so you picked up your favorite and all the appetizers your partner loves and brought them home for dinner as a surprise. Even though it is something small, your mate may appreciate that you were thinking about them and wanted to make them happy.

3. Don’t do the same things all the time

Again, a routine can keep you focused on certain goals, but it may not be the best thing for a romantic relationship. This is why you should try not always to do the same things.

For instance, if there are new things you want to try, even if it is something like a new type of food or shopping at a new grocery store together, go ahead and do it. Anything can be an adventure with someone you love and care about.

4. Talk often

It is imperative to talk to your partner as much as you can. This is one way to stay connected and can improve your intimacy overall. If you don’t talk regularly, you could be missing out on parts of their life, which is likely something that you don’t want to do.

Even if you talk a bit before and after work, every little bit can count or make a difference.

5. Schedule quality time together

Along with talking to each other, you should also spend quality time together, and in some cases, this means quality time away from the kids and everyone else. When you and your partner can be alone with one another, this may help you keep connecting in ways that you aren’t able to when the kids are around all the time.

Remember that it is okay to schedule this quality time when you need to.

6 tips on how to escape roommate syndrome

Here are some tips on escaping this syndrome, which can also be effective.

1. Decide to make a change

You may need to make a change, but first, you must determine that a change is needed. Once you figure this out, you can decide what you want to do. Feel free to ask your trusted loved ones and friends for advice and ideas since they may be able to provide information that you wouldn’t have otherwise thought of.

You can also research online to find out new things you can do that you may not have seen before. Perhaps you can stage a staycation at your house or check out a local B&B. The sky’s the limit!

Related Reading: 10 Reasons You Need to Change the Dynamics of Your Relationship

2. Try to connect as much as possible

When you want to change the feeling that you are marriage roommates, it may be necessary to do everything possible to connect as much as possible. This includes being intimate in all the ways that you can.

When you are intimate with one another regularly, this can ensure that you will stay sexually attracted to each other. If this is something you value in your marriage or relationship, this may be something that you would like to keep an eye on.

3. Try new things

It would help if you also considered trying new things together. This can be just about anything. If you have always wanted to go on a roller coaster or see the ocean, consider doing this with your spouse. They may be the person you like to make memories with, but you have forgotten.

If you are still determining what you want to try first, you can talk about your options and make a list. There are many things you can do, places you can go, or things you can try.

Related Reading: 25 Romantic Things to Do as a Couple

4. Take risks

Stepping out of your comfort zone is also beneficial when reestablishing your relationship with your partner. This means you will need to try new things and take some risks.

While this may seem scary, it can be worthwhile. You may also find out that there are things, foods, or places that you have been avoiding that you like.

Watch this video to learn more about taking risks:

5. Make time for your partner

Do everything you can to make time for your partner. This can be hard to do, but it is so important. After all, they are very special to you and you would probably like to cultivate your relationship and friendship with them.

Set a certain amount of time to spend with them each week, and ensure they can do the same.

Related Reading: 11 Ways to Spend Some Quality Time With Your Partner

6. Talk to a therapist

When you don’t know what to do about your marriage, it may be time to ask a therapist for useful advice. You can take part in relationship counseling to bring a spark back to your marriage or learn how to communicate more effectively.

There are many ways that a therapist can help you improve your relationship and connection with your partner if you are interested in trying this.

Some commonly asked questions

The roommate phase in a relationship can become problematic for its health and longevity. Here are the answers to some pressing questions that can address your doubts surrounding this:

• What to do when your spouse feels more like a roommate?

If your spouse starts to feel more like a roommate than a spouse, you should first try to determine what is going on. Are you not spending enough time together or have your feelings for them changed? Talk to them about what is occurring and see what they have to say.

Together you can determine what you want to do to repair your relationship with one another.

• Why does roommate syndrome happen?

Life can get busy, stressful, and complicated. Sometimes adults may be too tired to do certain things, and when this becomes routine, it could cause a couple to feel more like roommates than lovers.

If this happens in your relationship, you should do what you can to make changes to improve your bond with one another and improve your intimacy. This may be what has been missing.

• How could roommate syndrome be good?

This syndrome may be a positive thing once you stop and take notice of it. This is because it could provide you with the insight you need to spice up your relationship and make it stronger than it was before you felt like you were roommates.

You and your partner can decide together how you want to keep things interesting and what you want to do.

Final takeaway

Anytime you feel like you and your partner are experiencing roommate syndrome, you should know that there are many things you can do to change this. 

Consider spending quality time with each other, being intimate when possible, and talking to a therapist if you feel like this would be something that can benefit you.

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Sylvia Smith Author

Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle... Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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