Are you tired of being single forever? Have you got a profile up on every dating site known to man? Have you asked all your co-workers, friends, and families to fix you up with an age-appropriate guy?
Do you actively put yourself out there, working the single bar scene and taking singles-only cruises? Do you find yourself eyeing every man’s ring finger to see if they are taken?
Do you consider yourself attractive, a good conversationalist, and an interesting person to hang out with?
But now you have reached a point where you hate being single and are tired of being single, and you ask yourself why am I single and will I ever find love?
Here are five reasons to answer your question on “why am I still single?”
1. Unconsciously appearing to be connection-avoidant
Are you perhaps a little ashamed of your single-state, and therefore avoid showing signs that might be interpreted as being “man-hungry”?
Do you not make eye contact with that cute guy you see every morning when you stop to pick up your coffee, lest he thinks you are desperate?
So, how to deal with being single? Let me tell you a little story, one with a very happy ending.
I was in my fifties and had been recently dumped by my partner of ten years. Everybody told me how hard it would be to find another relationship “at that age.” “All the good men are taken,” my friends said.
After some time spent recovering from the brutal breakup, I was ready to put myself out there. This meant connecting with men, making eye contact with them, striking up a conversation if the situation merited it.
And one day, I saw a really hot guy waiting on the same subway platform as me. No wedding ring. Age-appropriate. But, reading a book by an author, I really like it.
So I summoned up my courage, went over to him, and said, “Oh, I love that writer. Have you read his other novel?”
And guess what…a great conversation followed, then an exchange of phone numbers, several dates, and now we are in a committed and very happy relationship.
All because I went towards connection, and didn’t shy away from it.
So be courageous. See someone who looks interesting? Look them in the eye, smile, and see what happens.
Even though you might not be looking for reasons to stay single forever, your inability to go put effort into meeting new men is diminishing your chances of getting a partner.
2. Making excuses about this not being “the right time.”
There is no wrong time for seeking a partner unless you’ve just been through a rough breakup. (And even then, only you can judge if you are ready to try again or need a cooling-off period).
But don’t delay getting out there to seek a partner because you-
Have some weight to lose
Need to devote all your time to your career
Just got a puppy/kitten who needs you to be home all the time
The new season of West World has just dropped.
Potential boyfriends can come into your path at any time, so don’t hole up in your house and complain there’s no one good out there. You might just miss the next chapter of your love life.
3. You consistently choose men who aren’t good for you
You don’t have trouble attracting men.
Your problem is you attract (or are attracted to) the wrong men for you. So you end up single, again and again. If this sounds familiar, you need to work hard at identifying the root issues behind this attraction.
Break the pattern. You’ll be amazed at how many lovely men there are out there that you were missing because you were wearing the “wrong glasses.”
4. Your emotional attachment scares men off
You love to be in love, often not choosing the love object very carefully.
A couple of dates, maybe you’ve slept together already, and you are dreaming about fixing a wedding date. Whoa, Nelly! Slow down! What’s behind this behavior? Work with a therapist to see why you attach so quickly to your guy.
Don’t put all your emotional-attachment in one basket.
Try dating several men at the same time. (There’s nothing wrong with this. If it makes you feel better, tell your dates you are not into being exclusive right now.)
This will help you keep perspective and not attach unhealthfully to one man.
By dating several men, it gives you time to get to know each of them in a healthy, thoughtful way, so that when you do commit, it is for the right reasons (and not just fear of being single).
5. Your dating criteria are too rigid
Sure, it’s great to have a mental list of the type of man you’d like to date. Most lists would include single, employed, emotionally available, geographically close, interesting conversationalist.
For many years now, men have wondered what women want in a relationship.
But as a woman, if your list is super specific, for example, single and never married, must be blond, tan and wear black loafers, must live in my town, preferably in my neighborhood, must practice yoga at the same studio as me.
Well, that’s just setting yourself up for perpetual singlehood.
Open your criteria up a bit, but still, honor what is important to you. Just be a little more flexible.
Dating is definitely a numbers game.
The more you date, the more possibilities you bring into your life for finding a mate. But date intelligently, and be patient.
Don’t just go out with anyone just to go out—that’s a waste of your time. When you start to feel overwhelmed or a bit hopeless that you will never find anyone, take a break.
You’ll want to recharge your dating energy so that your dates can feel your enthusiasm (and not your despair). Honor your standards, be your authentic self, and keep on getting out there.
So stop worrying about ‘why I am single’ and ‘will I be single forever’ and be courageous.
Your person is out there; you just need to find him.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.