How to Stop Being Possessive in a Relationship: 19 Ways

Ever felt like you are holding on just a little too tightly?

Possessiveness can sneak up on anyone—it often comes from a place of deep care, maybe even fear of losing what means the most. But when the grip is too tight, things can start to feel… off.

Relationships are like plants; they need freedom and space to grow. Trust has room to breathe, affection flourishes, and everyone feels seen and valued.

So, how does someone get from feeling possessive to feeling at ease?

Sometimes, it takes reflecting on what is fueling that desire to control or protect.

Is it fear?

Insecurity?

Or maybe it is the habit of “holding on” a bit too closely. Letting go is not always easy, but learning how to stop being possessive can mean making room for a stronger, healthier connection—one where love is freely given, not held too tight.

What is possessiveness in relationships?

Possessiveness is the desire to possess or own something or someone. As an example, consider a child who refuses to share any of their toys. They are possessive of their belongings and don’t want anyone else to play with them.

Similarly, a possessive husband or wife can go to great lengths to ensure that their partner stays theirs exclusively – even sabotaging their spouse’s friendships and family relations to have them all to themselves.

Learning how not to be possessive is important, especially if you are trying to save your relationship and grow personally. But you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, and looking in the mirror is crucial when figuring out how to stop being possessive in your relationship.

5 possible causes of possessiveness in a relationship

Possessiveness often stems from some pretty universal feelings—things we all experience in one way or another. It’s not just about wanting to keep a partner close; sometimes, deeper fears or insecurities might be at play.

Exploring what leads to a possessive relationship​ can help uncover why these feelings arise and how to approach them in a healthier way. Here are 5 common causes to consider.

1. Fear of abandonment

Possessiveness sometimes grows from a fear of being left behind. If someone has been hurt in the past or faced sudden breakups, they may worry their partner will one day decide to walk away.

This fear can lead them to hold on tighter, even if it means checking in more than necessary or needing constant reassurance. The heart just wants to feel secure and valued, but too much attachment might make a partner feel suffocated.

Recognizing this fear and working to build trust can slowly ease these concerns, helping both people feel more at ease.

2. Low self-esteem

Self-doubt can also be a major reason for possessiveness. When someone struggles to see their worth, they might worry they are not “enough” for their partner. This insecurity can lead them to seek reassurance or even act out possessively constantly.

It’s like trying to fill an empty cup, hoping that being close to their partner will make them feel “whole.” Working on self-love and self-worth can help shift this dynamic, allowing the person to feel more confident without needing constant validation.

3. Past trauma or betrayal

If someone has been betrayed in the past, it can deeply shape how they approach future relationships. Experiencing infidelity or deception can leave emotional scars, leading them to feel hyper-vigilant or overly protective in their current relationship.

They may keep an eye out for any possible signs of betrayal, which can lead to possessive behaviors. Even when the partner is completely trustworthy, the memory of past hurt can linger, influencing their reactions.

Healing takes time, and sometimes professional support can make all the difference in addressing these underlying fears.

4. Unmet emotional needs

Sometimes, possessiveness grows from needs that are not being fully met. If someone feels they are not getting enough attention, support, or connection, they might become more clingy or protective of their partner’s time.

It’s like they are trying to close a gap that feels too wide, hoping to get the affection or validation they crave. Being honest with themselves and their partner about these needs can open the door to deeper understanding and more balanced support.

Together, they can work toward a healthier, more secure connection.

5. Idealized expectations

Having high expectations or an “ideal” of what a relationship should look like can also contribute to possessiveness. When someone expects their partner to fulfill every role—best friend, confidante, soulmate—it can create pressure.

If their partner spends time with others or has different interests, they might feel let down or even threatened. It’s natural to want to feel like someone’s “one and only,” but expecting them to be everything can actually push them away.

Finding balance and recognizing that it’s okay for both partners to have other relationships and hobbies helps ease this tension.

What are the signs of possessiveness?

Possessiveness can be subtle at first—maybe it looks like extra attention or an eagerness to be close all the time. But as things progress, it can start to feel a bit… overwhelming.

One of the common signs of a possessive partner is a need to constantly know where you are or who you are with, even if it feels a little unnecessary. They might check up on your phone or get jealous when you spend time with friends, leaving you feeling torn.

According to Christiana Njoku, a licensed professional counselor:

If your partner constantly tries to control your actions or decisions, it may indicate possessive behavior.

Small requests for reassurance might grow into bigger attempts to keep you closer. Though often rooted in care, these actions can slowly make you feel like you have to manage their worries along with your own.

It can be a lot to handle—especially when all you want is a relationship that feels open, safe, and free.

How to stop being possessive in a relationship: 19 tips

A negative expression of jealousy can have a controlling and emotionally damaging effect on the partner. But when expressed properly, jealousy can help a spouse appreciate their partner and take positive steps towards treasuring them with love and respect.

Here are 15 tips on how to stop being possessive and controlling in a relationship and get over jealousy.

1. Stay grounded

In reality, that is.

Possessiveness is the tendency to overthink what your partner is doing when you’re not around. If you want to learn how to not be possessivee, you need to start living in the present.

If your partner has not given you grounds to suspect them, don’t start doubting them needlessly.

2. Be open about insecurities

In a possessive relationship, it is vital to share how you feel with your partner, but don’t blame them for what’s going on in your life. 

If you tell them why you behave in specific ways and acknowledge that you’re trying to change your habits, they can do their part by avoiding situations/behavior that may trigger you.

3. Think before you make requests

Do any of these comments sound familiar?

• “I don’t want you talking to XYZ anymore.”
• “I’d feel more comfortable having a tracker app on your phone so I know where you are.”
• “Why are you friends with (so-and-so) on social media?”
• “I want the password to your phone.”

These are all common requests made by overly jealous spouses.

When trying to decipher “Why am I so possessive,” ask yourself if you would be comfortable if your spouse made similar requests of you. You should never violate your partner’s privacy or try to control them.

4. Open the lines of communication

Just because you are using many words doesn’t mean you’re doing an excellent job communicating with your spouse. Communication will help your relationship thrive, but only if you know how to do it well.

Communicating the wrong thing in the wrong manner might hurt your relationship.

In her book, “Effective Communication in Relationships,” Julia Arias discusses communication as something every couple can improve by taking the proper steps.

It is possible to train yourself to communicate in healthier ways by practicing better communication skills over time.

Healthy communication is one where you:

• Speak openly and honestly with your spouse about how to be less possessive.
• Ask open-ended questions about how they feel about your behavior.
• Keep your cool. It hurts hearing negative things about yourself, but you can overcome possessive tendencies by keeping a level head and listening without interruption.
• Pick up on nonverbal cues and act to correct the behavior that makes your spouse uncomfortable.
• Set aside time to communicate and bond regularly. 
• Reassure your partner that you want to change.

5. Focus on your own life

Instead of obsessing about your partner’s actions, banish toxic behavior by focusing on your own thing. Excel in your work situation, spend time with friends and have fun with your partner.

Keeping your mind occupied with positive things in your life will help you avoid dwelling on any insecurities you have in your relationship and help you learn how to get rid of possessiveness in a relationship​.

6. Figure out your jealousy

If you want to change your possessiveness, you must start by questioning yourself. Your insecurities may stem from a betrayal in the past or a childhood experience.

By asking yourself some hard-hitting questions, you’ll be able to get to the root of your problems and learn to overcome possessiveness.

7. View independence as a positive

Instead of viewing time apart from your spouse as a slight, learn to appreciate your partner’s independence. Being apart makes it more exciting when you are together.

Time apart will also help you and your spouse gain a greater sense of self, draw boundaries, and explore your interests.

8. Work on building intimacy

Healthy emotional intimacy is essential for a strong relationship.

9. Hang out with friends together

What is possessiveness?

It is being suspicious of everyone else’s intentions in your partner’s life. One tip on how to stop being possessive is to meet each other’s friends.

Getting to know each other’s social circles will make it easier for you to see that there isn’t anything nefarious going on when you’re not around. Knowledge of their true dynamic might help quell your fears.

10. Don’t change your spouse

One tip on being less possessive is reminding yourself why you fell for your partner in the first place. You loved that they were independent, fun, playful, and amiable.

Psychologists have observed that demanding change from your partner can significantly damage their confidence and relationship in the long run.

11. Own up to your mistakes

As a possessive wife or husband, you need to acknowledge your role in your relationship woes.

Taking responsibility for your mistakes will show your spouse that you’re serious about learning how to stop being possessive. It will also be a chance for growth based on self-reflection.

12. Don’t spy on your spouse

If you want to rebuild your relationship and learn how to stop being possessive, you have to stop spying digitally or otherwise on your partner. 

13. Work on building trust

Building trust will help you banish this possessive person you’ve become and focus on having a healthy relationship.

But how do you build trust?

• Start by putting the past behind you. If you want to change, you need to make a fresh start with your partner.
• Listen and communicate with your spouse and show that you’re not afraid to be vulnerable.
• Responsibly address real concerns in the relationship.
• Acknowledge and validate your partner’s feelings.
• Respect your spouse’s boundaries and show that you care about their feelings.

Established trust can help couples deal with any problem that comes their way. 

Psychologist John M. Gottman, in his book The Science of Trust, has observed that emotional attunement based on mutual trust helps in a relationship’s long-term success. It gives couples a solid foundation to tackle any hardship that comes their way.

14. Seek therapy

If you are questioning your behavior, therapy or relationship counseling might be an excellent avenue for you.

Therapy can help you understand the root of your problems. Your therapist will help you decipher why you are exhibiting possessiveness and guide you in overcoming it.

Still apprehensive? Check out this video where Gabriel Arroyo, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains what you can expect from couples therapy:

15. Give time for self-love

Jealousy and possessiveness in relationships have a lot to do with your self-esteem.

As Christiana Njoku explains:

Possessive partners need all the time in the world to invest in loving themselves first.

Insecurity makes people hold tightly to the things they treasure, even if it means holding on way too tight.

Learn to love yourself by:

• Spending time alone doing things that bring you joy.
• Getting to know who you are deep down.
• Learning to thrive outside of your relationship.
• Journaling.
• Going to therapy
• Taking care of yourself physically (eat well, exercise, meditate, and get plenty of rest!).
• Celebrating your small victories.

16. Practice gratitude

Have you ever paused to appreciate your partner and the little things they do?

Shifting your focus to gratitude can help soften possessive feelings. Instead of fixating on insecurities, take a moment each day to acknowledge what you love about your partner.

Whether it’s their laugh, support, or how they make your morning coffee just right, expressing gratitude helps build a positive outlook and reinforces the bond you share. This simple shift can illuminate the love you both cherish, reminding you why you chose each other in the first place!

17. Establish personal boundaries

Every healthy relationship thrives on boundaries! Understanding your limits and encouraging your partner to do the same promotes respect and understanding. Think of it as creating a garden: each plant needs its own space to grow.

By discussing what makes you both feel safe and secure, you cultivate an environment where possessiveness finds no roots. This open dialogue nurtures trust and allows both partners to flourish independently while still being there for one another.

18. Celebrate each other’s successes

When was the last time you cheered your partner on?

Embracing each other’s achievements can be a powerful antidote to jealousy and possessiveness. Celebrate their milestones, big or small, and make it a habit to uplift one another.

Think of your relationship as a team where every win counts! When you genuinely support each other’s goals, you create a strong foundation of trust and admiration, reminding each other that you are allies in this journey of life.

19. Limit social media exposure

Social media can sometimes feel like a double-edged sword, can’t it?

It’s great for staying connected, but it can also stir up feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. Consider setting boundaries around your social media use, both individually and as a couple.

Engage in honest conversations about what makes each of you uncomfortable online and agree to respect each other’s feelings. This can create a more supportive atmosphere, reducing the temptation to compare your relationship to others and helping you focus on the unique bond you share.

FAQs

Here are some more relevant questions about dealing with possessiveness in intimate relationships. Read through and see if they are useful in your case.

• Who is more possessive: male or female?

There is no conclusive evidence to suggest that either gender is more possessive than the other. Possessiveness can manifest in both men and women and is often related to attachment styles and insecurities.

• How does my possessiveness affect my relationships?

Possessiveness can negatively affect your relationships. It can lead to feelings of resentment and suffocation in your partner, which can ultimately lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

It is important to recognize and address possessive tendencies to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Overcoming the possessiveness in relationships

By working with dedication, you can get to the root of your or your partner’s possessiveness. And even though it may feel impossible sometimes, you can overcome possessiveness in relationships. 

By implementing the steps mentioned here, you can learn how to stop being possessive and banish the negativity it brings into your relationship.

Remember, it’s not about eliminating feelings but transforming them into something constructive. With patience and commitment, you can build a relationship grounded in love, freedom, and mutual support, where both partners feel secure and valued.