Are you sabotaging your own relationship or marriage and don’t even know it?
It’s so easy to get jaded in life, isn’t it?
It’s so easy to believe that the opposite sex is actually our enemy… Because of past or current experiences.
For the past 30 years, number one best-selling author, counselor David Essel has been helping couples to realize the myriad of ways they are sabotaging relationships.
Below, David talks about one of the most insidious, and deadliest mistakes we make in love and relationships that can be sabotaging a relationship subconsciously or hindering any type of forward movement.
“For 40 years now, I’ve been in the world of personal growth and relationships, and I’ve seen the same mistakes happen over and over and over again… First in my life, because I’m not perfect, and then I see it played out amongst my clients.
I’ve seen potentially great relationships and marriages go down the drain because of this one tip that I’m going to share today, that sabotages the heck out of every relationship possible.”
This tip, if reversed, can do the opposite: by reversing this trend, you can actually step back from sabotaging relationships and save your marriage or relationship.
And what is this tip, the sabotaging relationships technique that destroys love and potential of a healthy happy long-term relationship or marriage?
Let me repeat that. Scorekeeping.
And how many of us do it, maybe even subconsciously, on a daily basis?
Recently working with a couple, the wife told me that she, at the subconscious level, had been keeping score with her husband for the past 10 years.
If he didn’t do something that he normally did on any given day, let’s say bring her coffee when she’s reading out on the porch, she would tuck this in the back of her brain and then that night when he would ask her to do something for her, she would hesitate, or make up an excuse why she couldn’t.
Instead of dealing with the reality, that maybe he forgot that morning, or maybe he got super busy, or for whatever reason, he didn’t bring the coffee, she would just store it. And keep score.
Another woman I worked with, did the same thing with her husband, when he said that he’d be in by 10 but didn’t get in until one in the morning, instead of talking to him about it she would just shut down.
She would keep score and the next several days, she would shut him out emotionally, and not do the things she would normally do for him all because she was upset, but did not voice it!
Keeping score in love might seem normal, especially if you saw your mom and or dad do it when you were young, but it is one of the unhealthiest things we can do in life and plays a catalytic role in self sabotaging relationships.
Instead of keeping score, we need to actually first be writing about those things with our partner that frustrate us, and then once we have a good idea of what specifically frustrates us we need to sit down and talk.
There are certain times in life we need to let things go, not even discuss them, until it turns into a pattern.
I don’t want my clients, or people reading these articles, to think that every tiny infraction by your partner needs to have a full out war happen or a huge discussion, and march into the therapist office.
That’s not necessary most of the time and often plays a role in sabotaging relationships.
What happens with scorecard keeping, is that over the years we retreat more into our own world, we build up walls around our heart, eventually the relationship implodes or explodes.
Now you might stay in this type of relationship for 50 years, but it is hell, on, earth.
Evaluate your role in scorekeeping, evaluate how you can do it differently, and once you’ve done the evaluation, implement the new technique so you don’t keep score and carry resentments from now until the end of your relationship.“
In the video below, Teal Swan talks about resentment and how instantly, resentments convert into distrust and keys to get over it:
00David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny Mccarthy says,
“David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“
His work as a counselor and minister has been verified by organizations like Psychology Today and Marriage.com has verified David as one of the top counselors and relationship experts in the world.
To avoid sabotaging relationships and work on it, or to get yourself ready for the next positive relationship, work with David one on one from anywhere in the world via Skype at www.davidessel.com
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
David Essel, M.S. is the best selling author of 9 books, a counselor and master life coach and inspirational speaker whose work is endorsed by celebrities like Jenny McCarthy, Wayne Dyer, Kenny Loggins and Mark Victor Hansen. David accepts new clients monthly via Skype and phone sessions from anywhere.
(David Essel is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Fort Myers)