15 Things to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want Kids

When a person refers to their preference to want kids or not, that can’t be construed as a formal decision. At that point, the only variables to base a decision on are what you perceive having children will be. These include your own childhood.

When a partner doesn’t want kids or makes that indication, it’s essential to take the opportunity to express those reasons to ensure each of you can develop an understanding of the other’s stance. Then, work toward determining what those positions mean for the partnership.

What to do when you and your husband disagree about kids?

When you wait until marriage to formally discuss having children, it can complicate the union’s health, and that’s tough, especially when the two of you genuinely love each other. 

At some point, one of you might have believed you could change the other’s mind, or perhaps they didn’t mean what they said while dating. 

Perhaps the topic never came up, or there’s even the possibility that one of you has changed your stance where you at some point had agreed while the other remains strong in their conviction.  

When you say, “My husband doesn’t want kids” or “My wife doesn’t want kids,” but I do, there will typically be sorrow since marriages will either come to an end or the partner who wants kids will need to sacrifice for the union.

• What do you do when your boyfriend doesn’t want a baby?

When he doesn’t want kids, his significant other will need to decide how important children are for their future. 

You can’t bring kids into a situation where someone insists they don’t want to be a parent. Convincing a husband to have a baby after marriage can be a fallacy that should be avoided since the child will be the one to suffer under those circumstances. 

That means you either end the relationship if you feel strongly that you want a family or find a way to learn how to cope with not having children. 

• What if your husband doesn’t want a baby?

Again, when it comes to what to do when your husband doesn’t want kids, you need to decide if the union is worth sacrificing for your desire to start a family someday with someone or if your love for your husband is stronger than the desire to raise a family.

• What if my wife doesn’t want to have a baby?

In some cases, it’s not necessarily that a woman doesn’t want to have a baby but more so that complications make it difficult or prevent the possibility. 

Many times, women will make the conscious choice to correct the problem, which can eliminate their ability to have kids and choose not to adopt with the spouse left to figure out how to decide if they want children. Either you accept your wife’s choices, or you walk away.

15 things to do when your partner doesn’t want kids

Whether you decide to have kids isn’t always a cut-and-dry response. There are variables to consider; sometimes, your initial thought process can change as time passes. 

Whether you want kids is generally determined by your life experience and around other children. These positions are influenced when a partner comes into the picture and offers a perspective. 

If your stance is that you want children in your future, but your partner doesn’t want kids, it can create discord. Sometimes, that’s unresolvable, causing the two of you to part ways, and other times, couples reach a compromise. 

Look at this survey indicating more childless couples in the United States today. Now, let’s look at how to handle situations when you find yourself saying, “I want kids; he doesn’t.”

1. Blame

It’s easy to point fingers or place blame, even on yourself, when you come to a formal discussion about a life choice like raising a family, particularly if neither of you agrees and feel you waited too long for the conversation. 

It can’t be more accurate than if it comes at a pivotal point in the relationship or after a wedding. Of course, it would be better if the subject came up in the beginning when things are new, and you can move on to another person, easy peasy. 

But those kinds of topics aren’t appropriate at that stage. They only happen right when things are serious and feelings have been established (but should occur before marriage happens.)

2. Compromise

You might say, “My husband and I disagree on parenting,” but that does not indicate there’s no room for compromise. You can’t count your marriage out yet. When your partner doesn’t want kids, perhaps there would be a consideration for a foster kid scenario or maybe a teenage adoption.

When there is no room for compromise in the home, you can interact personally through a “Big Brother/Sister” program or perhaps volunteer with children in a school program or a coaching situation.

3. Future aspirations

If a partner doesn’t want kids right now or indicates “now is not the time,” that leaves the possibility for the future open. The problem with this response is how someone can progress into the future without understanding when their mate might be ready. 

Definitive terms need to be established so each person is satisfied and can move forward without question, even if that means someone needs to compromise their position.

4. What are your “Whys”

When you’re the “She” in a situation where he wants kids, she doesn’t, it’s essential to sit down and journal out the “Whys” for your stance and ask your partner to do the same thing.

There are many pros and cons to each perspective. What’s your foundation for having little ones running around? Many people have the misperception that after a certain point, having children is something people do to solidify their union, like a to-do list that you check off as you go.

We start with the honeymoon phase and go to exclusivity to commitment, maybe on to engagement and marriage, and then the children. 

5. Trade papers

Once you understand your motivation, trade with your partner and learn theirs. It will be compelling to read journal entries about why a partner doesn’t want kids or perhaps wants children in their life to the point that it could lead to a compromise/sacrifice or a solution.

Maybe when you say, “My partner wants a baby, and I don’t,” the real issue is that you feel threatened that there will be less attention given to you when your mate has another person to shower with affection.

That’s a solvable problem and not a reason to avoid having children; thus, journaling to open constructive and vulnerable communication.

6. Neutrality

Those who want a baby but their partner doesn’t want kids should try to remain neutral in communication. Ultimately, a child doesn’t need to come into a home where one person is not interested in becoming a parent. That needs to be understood for the sake of a potential baby. 

In saying that, when you remain neutral in the conversation, you can discern if there’s potential in the future for a change of heart or if this is an adamant decision. That can then help you to make your choices.

7. Self-image

When the indication is “My wife and I disagree about having kids,” the issue could be related to confidence or self-esteem. That needs to be handled with sensitivity and respect, perhaps with counseling.

She likely has an issue with body image and fears that pregnancy will bring unwanted changes. Statistics for the last decade indicate that women choose to remain childless, with the trend predicted to continue well into the future.

As far as self-image, professional counseling can help. Still, women understand there are other paths to parenthood aside from pregnancy. Perhaps explore these options instead of taking her on a journey that makes her uncomfortable or sacrifice your stance.

8. Self-indulgence

Dating for people who don’t want kids is generally self-indulgent with an exciting social scene, traveling, and minimal time at home. The problems arise when one decides they want a baby, but their partner doesn’t want kids; instead, they are afraid they will need to give up friends and lifestyle.

A busy social life will indeed settle down a bit while a baby is small, probably into toddlerhood. It doesn’t mean it will halt since there are babysitters, and it’s not reason enough to avoid having a family. 

Having the conversation is key in showing how it’s possible to have both successfully.

9. Care and keeping

When a partner doesn’t want kids after dating someone for a significant period, it could be a personal feeling about the other individual’s potential as a parent. There can be a slew of variables contributing to that determination. Maybe the mate’s care habits, handling responsibilities, sharing affection or attention, etc.

The issue doesn’t necessarily have to be unresolvable if your mate wants children. Again, it requires a discussion, though broaching could be uncomfortable. It’s a matter of determining whether or not it’s a responsibility that’s too great for the partner to handle.

10. Affordability

Financial concerns can make a spouse believe that children are not a possibility, considering costs for schooling as a single factor alone, not to mention the varied other expenses involved with raising a healthy and happy child. 

Monetary issues can undoubtedly create problems for couples hoping to have children, but it shouldn’t necessarily be a reason not to have kids. If a mate expressly indicates they don’t want kids due to insufficient money, maybe there are ways to generate more income.

Perhaps someone could find a way to work remotely, and then there would be no need for childcare if a baby came along, saving an expense.

11. New position

Dealing with a partner’s changing mindset or transition in their decision about kids may be difficult sometimes.

If you’re adamant in your thought process with no likelihood of changing your mind in the future, it’s essential to understand the reasons behind your partner’s change of heart. You also need to determine if there is a way to compromise, with one of you making a sacrifice. 

12. Unhealthy past

Sometimes, individuals choose that they don’t want kids because of their upbringing. These situations require counseling to work through perhaps traumas from childhood. 

Once a partner can learn coping skills, there might come a point where children can then be an option. First, allowing for healing is essential so your mate can be a healthy parent.

13. Wrong relationship

When you reach an impasse in a partnership when a mate doesn’t want kids and refuses to discuss compromises on the issue or the possibility for the future, you are unfortunately likely in an unfair situation, whether a relationship or marriage. 

Communication is essential; there should always be room for compromise, even sacrifices. When these are not on the table for even a discussion, that’s not someone who wants to be a parent or a partner.

14. See a doctor

It’s essential for women to see a doctor for reproductive health and if fertility seems to be problematic. If your spouse wants children, it’s sincerely selfless of you to discuss before making final decisions on issues like surrogacy, adoption, and fostering.

Watch this video by The Economist, which offers authoritative insight and opinions on international matters, as they answer the popular question, Is it worth having kids?:

15. Receiving help

Professional counseling is always a wise step when you can’t come to a resolution on your own but know that you want to remain together as a couple.

According to Licensed Mental Health Counselor Kristen K. Scarlett:

Therapy can help address pre-existing fears related to having children. Addressing and developing an action plan for each of the stated fears can help to change the perspective about the situation.

Experts can help you see the issues in a different light so you can move forward with a mutually satisfying decision.

FAQs

When it comes to starting or continuing a relationship, the topic of having children can be a significant factor. Differences in desires regarding having kids can raise questions about the compatibility of partners and the relationship’s future. Below are some commonly asked questions related to it:

• Can a relationship survive if one wants kids and the other doesn’t?

Yes, a relationship can survive if one partner wants kids and the other does not. However, it requires open and honest communication, empathy, and understanding from both partners. Discussing why each partner wants or doesn’t want kids and exploring potential compromises or alternatives is essential.

• Can you marry someone who doesn’t want kids?

Yes, you can marry someone who doesn’t want kids if you are also okay with not having children. It’s essential to discuss before getting married to ensure both partners are on the same page and have similar expectations for the relationship’s future.

• What to do if my partner doesn’t want another baby?

If you want another baby, but your partner doesn’t, having an open and honest conversation is vital. Listen to your partner’s reasons for not wanting to have kids and try to find common ground. You may want to consult a couples therapist to help you resolve the issue.

• Is it normal for a man to not want to have kids?

Yes, it’s normal for a man not to want to have kids, just as it’s normal for a woman not to want to have kids. Everyone has their own individual desires and needs. 

It’s important to respect individual choices and not pressure someone into having kids if they do not want to.

Final thought

When one person in a partnership doesn’t want kids, and the other does, it doesn’t always have to mean the end of a relationship. There are paths to parenthood that aren’t traditional but give a similar gratification. 

According to Psychologist and Coach Silvana Mici–

Effective communication serves as the foundational cornerstone underpinning the vitality and success of every interpersonal relationship.

As partners, each person must be willing to make personal sacrifices in these life circumstances. Another step in the process is knowing when to reach out for help if you can’t come to a mutual solution.

Professional counselors can help show unique perspectives, allowing partners to see the other person’s position and make concessions.