What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want Kids? 15 Things to Do

When a person refers to their preference to want kids or not, that can’t be construed as a formal decision. At that point, the only variables to base a decision on are what you perceive having children will be. These include your own childhood.

When a partner doesn’t want to have kids or makes that indication, it’s important to take the opportunity to express those reasons to ensure each of you can develop an understanding of the other’s stance. 

Then work towards determining what those positions mean for the partnership.  

What to do when you and your husband disagree about kids?

When you wait until marriage to formally discuss having children, it can complicate the union’s health, and that’s tough, especially when the two of you have a genuine love for each other. 

One of you, at some point, might have believed you could change the other’s mind, or perhaps they didn’t mean what they said while dating. 

Perhaps the topic never came up, or there’s even the possibility that one of you has changed your stance where you at some point had agreed while the other remains strong in their conviction.  

When you say, “My husband doesn’t want kids” or “My wife doesn’t want kids,” but I do, there will typically be sorrow since marriages will either come to an end or the partner who wants kids will need to sacrifice for the union.

• What do you do when your boyfriend doesn’t want a baby

When he doesn’t want kids, his significant other will need to decide how important children are for their future. 

You can’t bring kids into a situation where someone insists they don’t want to be a parent. Convincing a husband to have a baby after marriage can be a fallacy that should be avoided since the child will be the one to suffer under those circumstances. 

That means you either end the relationship if you feel strongly that you want a family or find a way to learn how to cope with not having children. 

• What if your husband doesn’t want a baby

Again, when it comes to what to do when your husband doesn’t want kids, you need to decide if the union is worth sacrificing for your desire to start a family someday with someone or if your love for your husband is stronger than the desire to raise a family.

• What if my wife doesn’t want to have a baby

In some cases, it’s not necessarily that a woman doesn’t want to have a baby but more so that complications make it difficult or prevent the possibility. 

Many times women will make the conscious choice to correct the problem, which can eliminate their ability to have kids, and choose not to adopt with the spouse left to figure out how to decide if they want children. Either you accept your wife’s choices, or you walk away.

Also Try: Quiz: Are You Ready To Have Children?

15 things to do when your partner doesn’t want kids

Whether you decide to have kids isn’t always a cut-and-dry response. There are variables to consider, and sometimes your initial thought process can change as time passes. 

Whether you want kids is generally determined by your life experience and around other children. These positions are influenced when a partner comes into the picture and offers a perspective. 

If your stance is that you want children in your future, but your partner doesn’t want kids, it can create discord. Sometimes that’s unresolvable, causing the two of you to part ways, and other times couples reach a compromise. 

Look at this research indicating more childless couples in the United States today. Let’s look at how to handle situations when you find yourself saying, “I want kids; he doesn’t.”

1. Blame

It’s easy to point fingers or place blame, even on yourself, when you come to a formal discussion about a life choice like raising a family, particularly if neither of you agrees and feel you waited too long for the conversation. 

This can’t be more true than if it comes at a pivotal point in the relationship or after a wedding has occurred. Of course, it would be better if the subject came up in the beginning when things are new, and you can move on to another person, easy peasy. 

But those kinds of topics aren’t appropriate at that stage. They don’t happen until right when things are serious and feelings have been established (but should take place before marriage happens.)

2. Compromise

You might speak to the fact that “my husband and I disagree on parenting,” but that’s not an indication that there’s no room for compromise. 

You can’t count your marriage out yet. When your partner doesn’t want kids, perhaps there would be a consideration for a foster kid scenario or maybe a teenage adoption.

When there is no room for compromise in the home, you can interact personally through a “Big Brother/Sister” program or perhaps volunteer with children in a school program or a coaching situation.

3. Future aspirations

If a partner doesn’t want kids right now or indicates “now is not the time,” that leaves open the possibility for the future. The problem with this response is how someone can progress into the future without an understanding of when their mate might be ready. 

Definitive terms need to be established so each person is satisfied and can move forward without question, even if that means someone needs to compromise their position.

Related Reading: Do You Really Understand Your Partner?

4. What are your “whys”

When you’re the “she” in a situation where he wants kids, she doesn’t; it’s essential to sit down and journal out the “whys” for your stance and ask your partner to do the same thing.

There are many pros and cons to each perspective. What’s your foundation for having little ones running around?

Many people have the misperception that after a certain point, having children is something people do to solidify their union, kind of like a to-do list that you check off as you go. 

We start with the honeymoon phase and go to exclusivity to commitment, maybe on to engagement and marriage, and then the children. 

5. Trade papers

Once you understand your motivation, trade with your partner and learn theirs. It will be compelling to read journal entries as to why a partner doesn’t want kids or perhaps wants children in their life to the point it could lead to a compromise/sacrifice or a solution.

Maybe when you say, “My partner wants a baby, and I don’t,” the real issue is the fact that you feel threatened that there will be less attention given to you when your mate has another person to shower with affection.

That’s a solvable problem and not a reason to avoid having children; thus, journaling to open constructive and vulnerable communication.

6. Neutrality

Those who want a baby but their partner doesn’t want kids should try to remain neutral in communication. 

Ultimately, a child doesn’t need to come into a home where one person is not interested in becoming a parent. That needs to be understood for the sake of a potential baby. 

In saying that, when you remain neutral in the conversation, you can discern if there’s potential in the future for a change of heart or if this is an adamant decision. That can then help you to make your choices.

Related Reading: 4 Relationship Conversations You Can Have With Your Partner.

7. Self-image

When the indication is “my wife and I disagree about having kids,” the issue could be related to confidence or self-esteem. That needs to be handled with sensitivity and respect, perhaps with counseling.

She likely has an issue with body image and fears that pregnancy will bring unwanted changes. Statistics for the last decade indicate that women choose to remain childless, with the trend predicted to continue well into the future.

As far as self-image, professional counseling can help. Still, women understand there are other paths to parenthood aside from pregnancy. Perhaps explore these options instead of taking her on a journey that makes her uncomfortable or sacrifice your stance.

8. Self-indulgence

Dating for people who don’t want kids is generally self-indulgent with an exciting social scene, traveling, and minimal time at home. The problems arise when one decides they want a baby, but their partner doesn’t want kids; instead, afraid they will need to give up friends and lifestyle.

It is true; a busy social life will settle down a bit while a baby is small, probably into toddlerhood. It doesn’t mean it will come to a halt since there are babysitters, and it’s indeed not reason enough to avoid having a family. 

Having the conversation is key in showing how it’s possible to have both successfully.

Related Reading: How Are Marriage and Mental Health Codependent on Each Other

9. Care and keeping

When a partner doesn’t want kids after dating someone for a significant period, it could be a personal feeling about the other individual’s potential as a parent. 

There can be a slew of variables contributing to that determination. Maybe the mate’s own care habits, handling responsibilities, sharing affection or attention, and so on. 

The issue doesn’t necessarily have to be unresolvable if your mate wants children. Again, it requires a discussion, though it could be uncomfortable to broach. It’s a matter of determining whether or not it’s a responsibility that’s too great for the partner to handle.  

10. Affordability

Financial concerns can make a spouse believe that children are not a possibility considering costs for schooling as a single factor alone, not to mention the varied other expenses involved with raising a healthy and happy child. 

Monetary issues can undoubtedly create problems for couples hoping to have children, but it shouldn’t necessarily be a reason not to have kids. If a mate expressly indicates they don’t want kids as a result of not having enough money at the moment, maybe there are ways to generate more income.

Perhaps someone could find a way to work remotely, and then there would be no need for childcare if a baby were to come along, saving an expense.

• New position

If you’re adamant in your thought process with no likelihood of changing your mind in the future, it’s essential to understand the reasons behind your partner’s change of heart. You also need to determine if there is a way to compromise in this situation, with one of you making a sacrifice. 

Related Reading: How Important Is Sacrifice in a Relationship?

• Unhealthy past

In some cases, individuals choose that they don’t want kids because of how they were raised. These situations require counseling to work through perhaps traumas from childhood. 

Once a partner can learn coping skills, there might come a point where children can then be an option. First, it’s essential to allow for healing so your mate can be a healthy parent.

Related Reading: Negative Experiences of the Past can Affect Your Relationship

• Wrong relationship

When you reach an impasse in a partnership when a mate doesn’t want kids and refuses to discuss compromises on the issue or the possibility for the future, you are unfortunately likely in an unfair situation, whether a relationship or marriage. 

Communication is essential, and there should always be room for compromise, even sacrifices. When these are not on the table for even a discussion, that’s not someone who wants to be a parent or a partner.

• See a doctor

It’s important for women to see a doctor for reproductive health and if fertility seems to be problematic. If your spouse wants children, it’s sincerely selfless of you to discuss before making final decisions on issues like surrogacy, adoption, and fostering. 

• Receiving help

Professional counseling is always a wise step when you can’t come to a resolution on your own but know that you want to remain together as a couple. 

Experts can help you see the issues in a different light so you can move forward with a mutually satisfying decision.

Related Reading: Does Marriage Counseling Work: Types & Facts

Final thought

When one person in a partnership doesn’t want kids, and the other does, it doesn’t always have to mean the end of a relationship. There are paths to parenthood that aren’t traditional but give a similar gratification. 

According to Psychologist and Coach Silvana Mici

Effective communication serves as the foundational cornerstone underpinning the vitality and success of every interpersonal relationship.

As partners, each person must be willing to make personal sacrifices in these life circumstances.

Check out this video to understand what are the things you need to take care of if you want to have kids:

Another step in the process is knowing when to reach out for help if you can’t come to a mutual solution. Professional counselors can help show unique perspectives allowing partners to see the other person’s position and make concessions.