It is easy to assume that when couples get engaged, they have had deep and clear discussions about planning to have a baby. And, regardless of their age or children from previous partners, the excitement of buying rings and planning the wedding, honeymoon, and household can often sweep away any of those doubts about becoming parents—or not.
I have counseled many newlyweds where one of the spouses has second thoughts about wanting a baby or the decision to have children. One of the spouses usually calls “foul” and feels betrayed. “I thought we were clear about that issue” is a common reaction.
Can wanting a baby be the reason for resentment between partners?
What makes this decision such a hot topic is that, for women, it has a “the sooner the better aspect” about it. For example, the wife might be approaching an age when getting pregnant is less likely.
Or, one of the spouses wants a “do-over” to create a loving family life with happy children that they did not have in their previous marriage or relationship.
Or, if one spouse, who is childless, becomes an actively participating step-parent, they could feel “robbed” or taken for granted when the other spouse fears about having a child. The couple might talk about adoption, but they both need to feel the excitement and enrichment that adoption can bring to a couple.
Yet, poking up from those good feelings are concerns about finances, work schedules, age, and the reactions from the children of one of the spouses.
These examples are just a few of the situations that create simmering resentment and regret. And when the couples do realize and regret their decision, the solutions get more limited over time.
Check out this useful video on what are the things you must know before deciding to have a baby:
How to convince your husband to have a baby
There is no one remedy that works for how to convince your husband to have a baby. But, for sure, yelling, accusing, withholding affection, understanding, and not sharing the responsibility of their past decision can jeopardize the marriage.
So, if you and your spouse are not in agreement about whether to have a baby, use this approach below for how to convince your husband to have a baby, which has worked for many of my couples.
Part one consists of the preparation when you want to discuss with your spouse about the decision of the baby. These are the steps you need to take before the discussion starts:
Agree ahead of time that you will have a kind discussion. If one of you feels blamed, disrespected, or angry, you will raise your index finger to signal a time-out. At that point, you can postpone the discussion—but set a date for the next discussion. Apologize for any gaffs. Agree to postpone a set date if the conversation gets too heated.
Create a list on paper or on your computer about your reasons for having or not having a baby.
Be brief. Just jot down keywords or phrases to spark your points.
Take your time. You can revisit what you wrote. Add new thoughts or revise what you wrote.
Write down keywords why you think your spouse wants or does not want to have a baby.
You pick who would like to talk first. That person now talks as they are you! It will feel awkward, and you will slip up at first by beginning your sentences with: I think you…” Remember, you are talking as though you are your spouse. So, your sentences will begin with “I.”
Refer to your notes about the reasons you think are your spouse’s stance on whether to have or not have children.
When you feel you are finished talking as your spouse, ask your spouse what you got right. Listen to what your spouse says.
Ask your spouse what you got wrong or almost right.
Keep holding hands.
Now, the other partner talks as they are you.
Repeat steps 4-7.
Do not make decisions about the issue. Go to sleep or for a walk or watch your favorite shows. Just give your mind and heart time to absorb what just happened.
Repeat the steps in Part Two if necessary.
Write your new thoughts on paper on your computer. Meet again and repeat the steps if needed. Be sure to add your new thoughts and feelings. If you cannot find a solution, seek professional help.
Having a future child has to be the mutual decision of both the parents. When you wish to figure out how to convince your husband to have a baby, but the spouse does not want children, it is essential to understand your spouse as the decision affects the finances of both parents.
However, if you think this is the right decision, try negotiating with your husband or seek professional help.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
My name is LeslieBeth (LB) Wish. Everyone calls me LB. I welcome you and thank you for your visit to LoveVictory.com! If you are looking for help about your life, I can empower you to get emotionally brave and smart so you can trust your intuition about your situation and decisions in love, work, family, happiness and success.