How to Stop Being a Narcissist: 21 Key Steps

Listen to this article

Imagine a partner who constantly seeks admiration, disregards your feelings, and dominates conversations with their achievements. This behavior can leave you feeling undervalued and emotionally drained. 

If you find yourself exhibiting similar tendencies, you might be wondering how not to be narcissistic in your relationships. Understanding the nature of narcissism and its effects is crucial for anyone looking to foster healthier connections. 

In this article, we’ll explore effective strategies on how to stop being a narcissist and cultivate deeper empathy, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy. By recognizing and addressing narcissistic traits, you can transform your relationships and lead a more fulfilling life. 

Let’s look into the world of narcissism and uncover the path to meaningful change.

What is narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder?

The first part of understanding how to stop being a narcissist is to learn exactly what narcissism is. Sometimes, the term “narcissist” is used to describe someone who comes across as especially selfish and arrogant, but in some cases, narcissism can be a diagnosable mental health condition. 

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder come across as only concerned about their own needs. Inside, they can feel quite insecure, which causes them to turn to others for validation and compliments. 

If you live with narcissistic personality disorder, it’s helpful to realize that this is more than just a tendency to be selfish; it’s a serious mental health condition that warrants treatment. 

What are the possible causes of narcissistic personality disorder? 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often stems from a complex interplay of various factors. Understanding the possible causes can help in identifying the roots of narcissistic behavior and fostering healthier relationships. 

Below are some key contributors to the development of NPD:

• Genetic predisposition: Some individuals may inherit traits that make them more prone to narcissism, suggesting a biological basis for the disorder.
• Parenting styles: Overindulgent, neglectful, or excessively critical parenting can distort a child’s self-image and lead to narcissistic tendencies.
• Early trauma: Experiences of abuse, neglect, or significant emotional trauma during childhood can trigger the development of narcissistic coping mechanisms.
• Cultural influences: Societal norms that emphasize individualism, success, and self-promotion can cultivate narcissistic traits in individuals.
• Peer influences: Relationships with peers, particularly during formative years, can either reinforce or challenge narcissistic behaviors.
• Identity issues: A fragile self-esteem or unclear sense of identity may lead individuals to adopt narcissistic traits as a defense mechanism.
• Lack of emotional support: Growing up in an emotionally unsupportive environment can result in a need to seek validation through narcissistic behaviors.
• Social media exposure: Constant engagement with social media can foster unrealistic comparisons and an inflated sense of self-importance, leading to narcissistic tendencies.

If you find yourself wondering, “I am a narcissist; how do I change,” understanding these underlying causes is the first step toward personal growth and healthier relationships.

To learn more about the signs and causes of narcissistic personality disorder, click here.

Narcissistic behavior examples

‘The diagnostic symptoms above can give you a general idea of what narcissism looks like, but sometimes, it can be more helpful to have a specific example of narcissistic behavior.

Some behaviors that may occur in someone with narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder include:

• Becoming extremely angry when you feel that you are not getting enough attention or praise
• Manipulating others to get them to do favors for you
• Bragging about your accomplishments
• Expecting special treatment 
• Belittling others that you see as beneath you
• Constantly changing jobs or beginning and ending relationships, because you’re waiting for the perfect opportunity or the perfect partner
• Being cruel during disagreements or arguments, because you don’t care about the other person’s feelings
• Having outbursts of rage when you feel disrespected or feel that you’re not treated as being important or superior 
• Feeling that you’re entitled the best house, the bar car, and the best clothing, even if someone else has to foot the bill 
• You feel extremely wronged when someone doesn’t cater to your needs or makes you feel ignored.

How to stop being a narcissist in relationships: 21 key steps 

If the symptoms or behaviors above ring a bell, you’re probably interested in learning about overcoming narcissistic personality disorder, especially if it’s starting to get in the way of you finding happiness in your relationships or your professional life. 

The some steps below can help you figure out how to stop being narcissistic in your relationships:

1. Identify triggering situations

If you want to stop narcissistic behavior, you must identify the triggers for your behavior. 

Maybe, for instance, you have fits of rage when you’re made to wait in line longer than you feel reasonable, or when someone shares an achievement of theirs and makes you feel inferior. Recognizing that you have these triggers is the first step in handling the behavior.

• For example: You feel angry when a colleague receives praise at work. Recognize that this triggers feelings of inadequacy in you.

2. Pause before reacting

When you’ve made a habit of reacting in a way that aligns with narcissistic personality disorder, fits of anger have probably become second nature for you. Once you’ve identified your triggers, you can stop being narcissistic by pausing when triggered. 

Before you begin shouting, degrading another person, or acting out violently, pause and count to 10, so you can calm yourself down.

• For example: When you feel the urge to yell at your partner during an argument, count to 10 before responding.

3. Imagine how you’d like to behave in an ideal situation

If you engage in narcissistic behaviors, think about how you’d like to behave instead in an ideal world. Imagining your ideal reactions to situations and people is a good early step toward learning how to stop being a narcissist. 

• For example: Visualize yourself calmly congratulating a friend instead of feeling jealous when they share good news.

4. Think about the underlying reason behind your narcissistic reactions

When you react with anger, what is going on inside your head? Are you feeling ashamed? Sad? Disappointed? Take a moment to recognize that there is an emotion behind your anger, and acting out in rage might not be the best solution.

• For example:  After a heated response, reflect on whether feelings of fear or insecurity drove your anger.

5. Practice alternative reactions during intense moments

Instead of taking your anger or stress out on other people, practice different, more appropriate reactions. 

You might consider taking a moment to yourself when you’re stressed, taking a break from heated conversations, or practicing stress-management strategies such as exercising or meditating. 

You might also consider telling the other person what is bothering you in the moment of a heated conversation instead of reacting with anger. 

• For example: Instead of lashing out when a friend is late, take a deep breath and express your feelings calmly.

6. Recognize other people’s feelings

Narcissism is rooted in difficulty identifying with other people’s feelings. You’re probably used to only caring about your feelings or viewpoint during discussions or disagreements. Instead of being so fixated on yourself, take time to understand where other people are coming from. 

• For example: If a friend is upset, listen attentively and validate their feelings instead of dismissing them.

7. Start apologizing

Are you wondering, “How to stop narcissistic behavior?”

You may not want to think about this, but if you have narcissistic personality disorder, the reality is that you have probably hurt many people in your life, and perhaps very profoundly. It’s time to take accountability for your mistakes and make amends for your behavior. 

• For example: After realizing you hurt someone’s feelings, say, “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

8. Recognize your baggage

Another truth regarding narcissistic tendencies is that they usually come from a place of unaddressed pain and trauma. Instead of addressing this, an individual with narcissistic personality disorder projects their pain and trauma onto others rather than dealing with it. 

Overcoming narcissism requires you to recognize that you bring baggage to the table and that your problems aren’t always someone else’s fault. 

• For example: Acknowledge that your tendency to belittle others may stem from childhood experiences of feeling inadequate.

9. Stop putting others down

Since narcissistic personality disorder involves the belief that one is superior to others, a narcissist tends to put others down to make themselves feel better. Take time to recognize when you’re doing this, and make an intentional effort to stop. 

It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s something you must stop doing. While you may think that you’re superior to others, if you feel a need to put others down to feel better, this suggests underlying feelings of inferiority.

• For example: When tempted to criticize a colleague’s idea, instead offer constructive feedback or praise.

10. Assume positive intent in others

Narcissists tend to project their feelings onto other people, assuming that others are plotting against them or are somehow full of spite. 

Instead of operating from the assumption that other people are out to get you, it can be helpful to assume that they are ordinary people who experience challenges and setbacks just like you. They’re not trying to harm you. You’ll be less likely to react to others with rage if you assume positive intent. 

• For example: If someone doesn’t reply to your message quickly, assume they might be busy, rather than thinking they’re ignoring you.

11. Act in the opposite of your usual way

This may seem strange, but acting in direct opposition to your usual behaviors can help you learn new patterns instead of resorting to narcissistic tendencies. 

• For example: If you tend to brag about your own accomplishments, allow others to talk about their successes, and resist the urge to react with anger or “one-up” them. Instead of bragging about your achievements, encourage others to share their successes first.

12. Be more compassionate with yourself

This one is significant if you want to stop being a covert narcissist. Covert narcissism tends to be more subtle, and research suggests that this form of narcissism is linked to attacks on the self. Instead of putting yourself down for small mistakes, focus on self-compassion. 

• For example: When you make a mistake, instead of berating yourself, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes.

13. Do nice things for others

If you’re learning how to be less narcissistic, now is the time to do nice things. Interpersonally exploitative behavior is common in narcissism, meaning you are probably used to charming others or making false promises to them to get them to do favors for you. 

Put an end to this behavior and do something for something else, with no expectation that you’ll get anything in return. This may involve shoveling the neighbor’s driveway, doing your partner’s laundry, or helping a coworker with a task in the office. 

• For example: Offer to help a neighbor with groceries without expecting anything in return.

14. Accept your feelings instead of reacting to them

Individuals who have narcissistic tendencies have difficulty processing unpleasant emotions, such as fear, stress, and hurt feelings. 

Instead of insulting someone, having a fit of rage, or seeking some sort of revenge when someone makes you feel an unpleasant emotion, recognize that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable sometimes. Understand that the feeling will pass, and reacting negatively to it is only likely to create more problems.

• For example: When feeling jealous, recognize the feeling without acting on it, understanding that it will pass.

15. Learn to listen 

Another tendency for narcissists is to turn the attention back to themselves during a conversation. You may find that when someone else shares a happy memory or an exciting event or accomplishment, you are compelled to discuss something better or more exciting than you experienced. 

Overcoming narcissism requires you to resist this urge and show interest in the other person. Ask questions about what they are saying, and listen to the answer instead of turning the attention back to you. 

• For example: During a conversation, focus entirely on what the other person is saying instead of thinking of your own response.

16. Dig deeper into what you might be avoiding

If you want to fix your narcissistic personality, you have to get to the root of the problem, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. Think deeply about what pain or trauma you are avoiding. Is it an unresolved issue with your parents? 

Some intense rejection you experienced earlier in life? Whatever it is, digging deeper into the underlying issues can provide you with some insight into your behavior. 

• For example: If you feel a strong reaction to feedback, reflect on whether it’s connected to past rejection experiences.

17. Cultivate mindfulness

When someone lives with narcissistic personality disorder, they may be unaware that they are engaging in a pattern of behavior, in which they automatically assume they are deserving of special treatment, and also assume that others who do not give them the attention or praise that is deserved are somehow being intentionally disrespectful. 

Try to break this pattern of thinking, and be mindful, or in the present moment, with each person you encounter. Are they being disrespectful at that moment, or do your usual patterns of thinking cloud your view of them? 

• For example: Practice mindfulness meditation to increase awareness of your thoughts and feelings in the moment.

18. Recognize that you must change your belief system

When you have spent most of your life viewing the world through the lens of narcissistic personality disorder, you simply do not know anything else, and you may even assume that everyone else feels the same way you do. 

Stopping narcissistic behavior requires you to recognize and admit that you have lived your life with a distorted viewpoint that most other people do not identify with. Once you recognize this, you can take steps to change your way of thinking.

• For example: Challenge the belief that you are inherently better than others by actively seeking diverse perspectives.

19. Give yourself time

The fact that narcissism is a pattern of behavior means that it is pretty well ingrained into your personality. This means that you cannot expect to learn how to stop being a narcissist overnight. It is something that will occur over time, with repeated practice. 

• For example: Acknowledge that changing your behavior is a journey and allow yourself time to make progress without rushing.

20. Set healthy boundaries with yourself

Narcissistic tendencies can sometimes lead to impulsive behaviors, such as overreacting, dominating conversations, or seeking constant validation. Learning to set boundaries with yourself helps you manage these impulses.

• For example: Limit the time spent on social media to avoid the urge to seek validation through likes and comments. 

To learn how healthy boundaries free you, watch this video:

21. Seek therapy

In most cases, it is extremely difficult for someone with a narcissistic personality disorder to heal independently. Narcissism treatment from a qualified therapist can help you identify distorted or unhelpful thought patterns that contribute to undesirable behaviors. 

A therapist can also help you to set goals and address any underlying trauma or unresolved issues that have led to narcissistic behavior. 

• For example: Schedule a session with a therapist to explore your behaviors and underlying issues that contribute to narcissism.

Conclusion 

If you’re wondering how to overcome being a narcissist, the first step is recognizing that change is possible. With commitment and the right tools, you can stop being a narcissist and foster healthier, more meaningful relationships. 

Embrace self-reflection, seek professional help, and cultivate empathy toward others. Remember, it’s a journey that requires patience and perseverance. 

Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and remain open to learning about yourself and your impact on others. 

By taking these proactive steps, you can transform your relationships and create deeper connections built on mutual respect and understanding. Start today—your future self and those you care about will thank you for it.