If you’ve married a narcissist, or find yourself married to one, you may not have been aware either exactly what you might be in for, or exactly how your partner might change after you have married. So, how does a narcissist change after marriage?
You see, the smart narcissists understand that they need to hide parts of them until you are there’s because otherwise there’s a chance that they could lose you.
They may not have shown you exactly how it’s going to be after you have married them.
Narcissist and marriage
First, who does a narcissist marry? A narcissist marries someone who would be a good source of long term narcissistic supply for them. They find a potential partner in someone who is weaker, less intelligent or underconfident. So, why do narcissists marry? Narcissists get married because they want someone to inflate their ego and be a permanent source of narcissistic supply. Narcissist getting married is likely only if it serves their purpose like image boosting, a readily available audience or money.
Here are some examples of how a narcissist changes after marriage (of course these will depend on the extremity of the narcissism displayed as to whether these effects are bearable and acceptable to you).
Zero compassion and sensitivity
You will soon come to realize that one of the most significant ways a narcissist changes after marriage is in that they will reveal to you exactly how incapable they are of having and contributing to a healthy relationship.
This is because narcissism is a personality disorder, which involves a complete lack of empathy and if there is no empathy, there will be no sensitivity or compassion toward your needs at all for the rest of your time with this person.
Even if you have been fooled before marriage, this trait will be impossible to disguise after marriage and will form the basis of your relationship.
Your spouse will define the marriage
You might think you define the terms of your relationship and your partner before marriage may have allowed you to believe that because it served their end game – to make you his or hers.
But this is another significant example of how a narcissist changes after marriage because you won’t have any control.
Your spouse will define the terms, he or she will display double standards, your needs will not be listened to unless there’s a benefit to your spouse too.
Can a narcissist change in a way that makes you lose all control in a marriage? Yes, your spouse will start to demonstrate a lack of willingness to co-operate or compromise with you in any way.
You’ll never win or resolve an argument
And if you do, then it’s because there’s something in it for your spouse.
This is another example of how a narcissist changes after marriage. Prior to marriage they may have seemed to submit occasionally, perhaps even apologize but that’s because then, you were not theirs entirely and they were still concerned over how they look to you, and your family and friends as a matter of priority.
But the fact remains that a narcissist will never sincerely apologize, lose an argument or resolve a conflict.
So, how does a narcissist change after marriage? They have no desire to uphold their marriage vows. They are in the relationship for having their needs met, and not for love.
In extreme cases you are not important anymore because he/she doesn’t need to impress you, you have made the ultimate commitment to them, there’s nothing more to gain there (in their eyes).
You might never enjoy a birthday or celebration again
On your birthday, the focus should be on you.
However, your narcissistic spouse will not like that one bit, so, where possible they will set out to sabotage your celebrations and turn the attention back to them. So you can expect tantrums, dashed plans, and even cancellations with your friends and family thanks to your spouse. So, can a narcissist change after marriage? Only for worse.
You will find yourself walking on eggshells
Now your narcissistic spouse is in the driving seat of your relationship and marriage, which was their intention all along.
They will make you pay if: you express your expectations, needs, and desires to them, have too much fun away from them, try to prove a point or win an argument, don’t allow him to project his emotions on you and blame you for, well everything.
You’ll experience the silent treatment at best if you ever try to say no to them, or call them out for their gas lighting or happiness sabotaging behavior.
Can a narcissist change after marriage in a way that scares you?
You will walk on eggshells at every second even when they are not around because they have conditioned you to do so, the very fact that you do that, which you’ll need to do for any kind of peace, will empower him and encourage him to continue with this pattern.
If you find yourself in this situation, and you can relate to these examples of how a narcissist changes after marriage then it’s time to get out.
How to help a narcissist change? The bitter pill of truth is that don’t even bother trying to fix your relationship with them by talking to them or by encouraging them to attend couples counseling. You don’t have marriage problems you have a bigger problem.
So, can a narcissist change after marriage? If you are married to a narcissist, you married somebody who cannot change no matter how much you want them to.
You are right in the frontline of a potentially dangerous situation that at the very least will disempower you, and cause you to question your sanity.
At worse this situation could lead to real mental illness such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, physical health problems and being in a life-threatening situation at the hands of your narcissistic spouse. It’s going to be hard but if this is your marriage you need to get out.
To get help find a local charity that specializes in cases like this so that you can make sure that you don’t inadvertently place yourself or anyone around you in danger during the process of leaving. The first step is in accepting that the answer to the question, can a narcissist change after marriage, is negative.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.