Many of us feel deep love only at the very beginning of relationships, and then it dies away when real life sets in.
This is a predictable pattern that all couples experience. Sadly, couples get stuck in a relationship that lacks emotional intimacy or move on to another, just to repeat the pattern.
This is usually because they believe there is something wrong with their relationship, and they give up. But “falling out of love” is actually expected and even necessary in order to find the deepest love possible in your relationship. I’ll explain why.
The beginning of relationships is typically very thrilling and emotionally intimate, but they aren’t stable. This is because they are usually based on mutual other-validation, in which each person looks for something outside of themselves that will make them feel whole, and they find it through constant validation from the other.
Additionally, they will both put their best foot forward, so they will be likely to see each other as perfect. Having a perfect person validate them makes them feel good about themselves. But this only lasts as long as each person is able to validate the other.
This usually goes on as long as each person can put their best foot forward and change who they are, acting as a chameleon to continue to be accepted by the other.
But this doesn’t result in real intimacy. It leaves each person feeling that their true self is not accepted by the other. Eventually,
They get tired of giving up their true selves & experience conflict that is too great, and they begin to see each other’s flaws.
They will be tempted to criticize the other person’s flaws because this is easier than confronting their own.
They will feel resentful when they aren’t validated,
They will be angry when they are criticized.
There will be a downward spiral of defensiveness and blame.
At this point, the only way for the couple to progress in their relationship is to learn to self-validate and self-confront. When they do this, they can fall back in love.
What does deep or true love feel like?
True love feels different from what you would imagine– different from what it is often portrayed in movies or TV.
I would argue that it is better.
It is not about filling a void. It’s not about finally getting that love you have longed for your whole life. You can access deep love by validating yourself first and becoming whole. This makes you more capable of experiencing deep love.
This is because not only does it make you less needy and controlling, but it allows you to be truly vulnerable with your significant other. This allows for genuine, deeply felt connection; no neediness, no controlling, and no holding back your true self.
This frees you to experience the most incredible intimacy and deepest love possible. It feels better than feeling that you are loved. It feels like coming home to a place more glorious and brighter than you ever imagined or hoped for.
What does it mean to love someone deeply?
When you love someone deeply means to love altruistically. Altruistic love is pure. It is not about what you can get, but about simply loving for the benefit of the other. It is loving without wanting anything in return.
This kind of love doesn’t depend on how lovable a person is.
It is more of a capacity than a reaction. It is something that you develop within yourself. The more you are able to validate yourself and confront the bad parts of yourself, the more emotionally mature you are and greater is your capacity for altruistic love.
There are various tips to describe your love for someone. Know how to show love to others and strengthen your relationship.
How do you express deep love in words?
The the question is about how to explain your love for someone, how to use words to describe how much you love someone? The hardest part of expressing deep love in words is being vulnerable.
Being able to express something so deep and meaningful with someone very important to you can be very frightening. The more important they are to you, the more you have to lose.
This fear arises because you depend too much on their approval. You can get over this fear by self-validating. This means to self-soothe, to remind yourself that you are enough.
Once you feel whole, being vulnerable won’t feel as threatening. You will have less to lose because how you feel about yourself won’t depend on the other’s opinion of you. This will give you a vent for how would you describe the deepest love as it allows you to express the deepest feelings of your heart without fear.
Expressing deep love with your actions
There are a lot of answers for how to express love besides merely saying, “I love you.”
How to describe the deepest love possible when you have to go beyond mere words? Well, words are important, but actions are also necessary.
Some specific ways you can express love through deeds are service, forgiveness, giving the benefit of the doubt, listening, and being empathetic.
Each of these ways is about being merciful rather than judgmental, which is at the heart of a deeply loving relationship.
Expressing deep love by giving
Service not only makes your significant other feel great, but it can grow the love you have for them. This is a great way to develop the capacity for deep, altruistic love.
By serving your significant other, you will encounter growing experiences that test your real character. You will likely need to sacrifice, work hard, and be more thoughtful than you would otherwise.
Additionally, when service is offered altruistically, without expecting anything in return, it has a way of softening the hearts of those you serve. Your significant other will feel loved, and this can create a reciprocal pattern of positivity, in which it is easier for them to react positively to you.
This can help you to see your significant other in their best light. Thus, service can have a refining influence not only in your life but in your significant others’ life as well. When deciding how to serve your significant other, focus on them and what their needs are.
This can make the service more meaningful, but it will also help you to feel more love for them.
As you think deeply about them and their needs, you stop seeing them as a one-dimensional person meant to fill you, but as a multi-dimensional person with struggles, with a life before you, with redeemable qualities, and much more.
You see past the rough edges to the beauty inside. This helps you to internalize the service you offer, truly desiring their happiness.
Often we think of an ideal relationship as one in which our partner epitomizes qualities of perfection, but in reality, nobody is perfect. Good relationships don’t happen because of a lack of mistakes but because of a healthy dose of forgiveness.
Being able to forgive others happens when we can forgive ourselves. Those who have a merciful tendency toward themselves will be oriented this way for others as well. Being able to be compassionate with yourself requires that you practice self-compassion rather than shame.
This can allow you to be mindfully aware of your mistakes, holding them in realistic awareness rather than overidentifying with them. This can change how you see others’ mistakes and have more understanding of their shortcomings, not expecting perfection from them.
This can also increase the depth of your love for your significant other, helping you to love the real them, not an idealized version of them.
Expressing deep love by giving the benefit of the doubt
It seems to be human nature to make character judgments based on emotion rather than thought. This is especially true when we feel shocked. When people who are important to us do something wrong (from our perspective), it can be shocking and lead to many powerful negative emotions.
We can start to see the culpable person as a “bad guy,” even if their action doesn’t seem to align with their real character. If we base our judgments on the emotion of the moment, this evaluation of their character might seem perfectly right.
But if we override the emotion with thought, we may see differently. We may be able to see a more broad and realistic picture of the person, making it easier to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I’ll clarify with an example. Jill used to instantly jump to vilifying her husband whenever he did something she perceived as obviously wrong. She would react emotionally and make a judgment of him without considering the possibility that he had a good excuse.
But after being proven wrong multiple times, she came to expect that he would usually act in alignment with his good character unless there was some good reason.
For instance, if he was running late, she chose to remain open to the possibility that something went wrong that was out of his control. This is a wonderful way to express deep love through your actions. It shows that you believe in their good character and are not always jumping to the conclusion that they are innately flawed.
Expressing deep love by listening
Listening is an act of love that can be very powerful.
Many people feel very lonely because they don’t think that anyone listens to them. This is even true for those in committed relationships. Listening isn’t difficult, but we often don’t do it. We may be overly concerned with being listened to or worried that the favor won’t be returned.
But the opposite tends to be true.
Listening to someone leads to positive reciprocity. It makes it more likely for someone to respond positively to you when you act positively toward them. So, when you listen to someone, they will likely return the favor.
Listening also solves the problem many people tend to run into–running out of things to talk about. This happens not because you run out of interesting topics, but because each person feels that the other person isn’t interested in what they have to say.
This is a message we send others when we don’t listen to them with real interest. If we extend a listening ear, we will find that there are endless things to talk about.
Additionally, listening with real intent involves you enough in the topic to have something valuable to contribute, which leads to good conversation. If you are just listening to please the other person or for other shallow reasons, the conversation will be superficial and won’t be exciting or fulfilling for either person.
Expressing deep love through empathy
Empathy is a wonderful gift to give to your significant other.
But sometimes, we confuse empathy with taking on their emotions. This removes your emotional autonomy as well as your partner’s, merging you into one emotional self. This leads to unhealthy functioning because you each are overly affected by the other’s emotions, and both become dependent on each other to soothe your negative emotions.
This is called emotional fusion. It can be great (at least superficially) when things are peaceful, but it leads to resentment and emotional distance as soon as conflict arises.
This puts you at odds with the ability to have empathy for your partner, as you only see how they are failing to meet your emotional needs, and their expression of emotion can feel overwhelming and upsetting to you.
Instead, you can have empathy by first being emotionally strong yourself, recognizing that you are not responsible for their emotions, and they are not responsible for yours. This builds your emotional strength, helping you uphold your emotional boundaries while simultaneously understanding their emotional world.
In the video below, Mary Jo Rapini shares the “do’s” and “don’ts” of showing empathy to your partner.
This is a beautiful gift to give to your partner. It can help them to feel that they are not alone in their pain. It can also help them feel seen entirely in a profound way–something everybody yearns for.
Showing deep love is possible when you focus on being a better version of yourself. This starts with learning to love yourself. When you know that you are enough and stop shaming yourself, you will have the ability to love your significant other more deeply.
You can start to see past your own immature needs and see them. You can stop seeing an idealized person who can fill a void in you and begin to see a real person with needs of their own. You can become more courageous, capable of being vulnerable, and sharing your deepest feelings.
And, by showing yourself mercy, you will be capable of showing your significant other mercy. You can do so by extending service, forgiveness, the benefit of the doubt, a listening ear, and an empathetic heart. In this way, you not only show your love, but you grow your love.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together.