115 Amusing and Funny Marriage Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Marriage has a way of being beautifully serious… and wonderfully ridiculous, sometimes all in the same hour. One moment, it’s shared dreams and quiet understanding; the next, it’s debating whose turn it is to do the dishes, again!

There’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone in those little moments of chaos, eye rolls, laughter, and unexpected tenderness. Humor softens the sharp edges, helps love breathe, and reminds us that perfection was never the goal anyway.

A well-timed laugh can say, “We’re okay,” even when words fall short. That’s why funny marriage quotes feel so familiar, like inside jokes you didn’t know you shared. They capture the quirks, the warmth, the patience… and the joy hidden in everyday married life.

Why funny marriage quotes never get old?

Funny marriage quotes never get old because married life itself keeps repeating in the most relatable ways. The same habits, the same playful arguments, the same “did we really just do that?” moments… they just show up in new outfits. Humor makes those patterns feel lighter, not heavier.

It reminds couples that laughter is often the fastest way back to connection, especially after a long day. Funny quotes in marriage feel timeless because they speak truth without judgment; they say, “Yes, this is messy… and yes, it’s still worth smiling about!”

115 amusing and funny marriage quotes to brighten your day

Marriage is full of moments that make you laugh, sigh, and shake your head… sometimes all at once. From everyday quirks to shared routines that feel oddly comforting, humor keeps things light when life feels heavy.

These funny quotes about marriage capture those small, honest moments that couples everywhere recognize and quietly smile about.

• Funny quotes about love and marriage

Love and marriage come with warmth, patience, and plenty of laughable moments. These quotes gently highlight how affection and humor often walk hand in hand, even when things feel imperfect.

1. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years, you need a club and a spade.” — Carrie
2. “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
3. “Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.” – Julieanne O’Connor
4. “There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants it easier?” – Mary Oliver
5. “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” – Alan King
6. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis
7. “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” – Rory Elder
8. “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” – St. Jerome
9. “Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.” – Joe Murray
10. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” – Eddie Cantor
11. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” – Michel de Montaigne
12. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash
13. “The two most important words in marriage for me are ‘yes, dear.'” – Eric Close
14. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke
15. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin
16. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” – Henry Youngman
17. “Marriage is like a jigsaw puzzle – all the pieces fit, but it takes a little time to figure out how to make them work together.” – Unknown
18. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns
19. “Marriage is all about fun, love, and agreeing on whose turn it is to do the dishes.” – Melanie White
20. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” – Lee Judge

• Funny marriage quotes about husbands

Husbands have a special way of being lovable and unintentionally funny. These funny marriage quotes celebrate their quirks, habits, and everyday antics that make married life both amusing and familiar.

21. My prince is not coming on a white horse … He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.” – Unknown
22. “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
23. “Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.” – Barack Obama
24. “We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.” – George Cockcroft
25. “I’m married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me.” – Fiona Shaw
26. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” – Oscar Wilde
27. “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.” – Groucho Marx
28. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” – Chris Rock
29. “Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.” – Samuel Johnson
30. “We both said, ‘I do!’ and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.” – So I Married an Axe Murderer
31. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
32. “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” – Forrest Gump
33. “Marriage is when a man and woman promise to love, honor, and annoy each other for the rest of their lives.” – Unknown
34. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” – Megan Mullally
35. “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
36. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat, and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”- Stephanie Ortiz
37. “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
38. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” – Red Skelton
39. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” – Albert Einstein
40. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” – Chip Gaines

• Best funny quotes about marriage

Some lines never fail to spark a smile. These quotes capture the most relatable truths about marriage, blending honesty and humor into moments couples recognize instantly.

41. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” – Joseph Barth
42. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington
43. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” – Joyce Brothers
44. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmott
45. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go and live with a car battery.” – Emma Bombeck
46. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown
47. “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” – Phyllis Schlafly
48. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” – Natasha Leggero
49. “Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.” – Anonymous
50. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times – always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
51. “Life after marriage is like a walk in a park. The only problem is that the park is on fire.”
52. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” – Wendy Liebman
53. “If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk through my garden forever.” – Alfred Tennyson
54. “Marriage is like a fine wine; if tended to properly, it only gets better with age, even if it makes you talk nonsense from time to time.” – Unknown
55. “In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen
56. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” – Rita Rudner
57. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham
58. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
59. “For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones
60. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” – Gilbert K. Chesterton

• Funny quotes about marriage and life

Marriage doesn’t exist in a bubble; it blends into daily life. These quotes reflect how love, stress, routines, and laughter all collide in wonderfully imperfect ways.

61. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsely Clarke
62. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West
63. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
64. “Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It’s not an adventure. You do more before five than most folks do all day.” – Sinbad
65. “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.” – Helen Rowland
66. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield
67. “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.” – Amy Schumer
68. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld
69. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller
70. “The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
71. “A good marriage is like a casserole – only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” – Unknown
72. “Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
73. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.'” – Unknown
74. “My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, and eat good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman
75. “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.” – Max Kauffmann
76. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
77. “Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.” – Mae West
78. “Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.” – Minnie Pearl
79. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor
80. “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss 

• Funny quotes about marriage and money

Money talks… and sometimes argues. These quotes humorously reflect how finances can test patience, teamwork, and communication, while still offering plenty of reasons to laugh together.

81. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
82. “Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Unknown
83. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” – Unknown
84. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey
85. “My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate.” – Jim Gaffigan
86. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.” – Benjamin Franklin
87. “Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.” – Unknown
88. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” – Unknown
89. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson
90. “Marriage is like a fine wine; if tended to properly, it only gets better with age. However, if neglected, it turns to vinegar.” – Unknown
91. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” – Billy Connolly
92. “A successful marriage involves falling in love many times, but always with the same person, hiding your car keys.” – Unknown
93. “Marriage: A word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’.” – Herbert Spencer
94. “Marriage is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there’s a bump or throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.” – Unknown
95. “Marriage is like a fine wine – it’s better when you let it breathe for a while.” – Unknown
96. “If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on to something.” – Fran Lebowitz
97. “Marriage is grand – and divorce? Well, it’s around twenty grand.” – Jay Leno
98. “Marriage is the art of replacing ‘you’ and ‘I’ with ‘we’ and ‘us’ without making it sound like a crime scene.” – Unknown
99. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to buy the butter.” – Sam Kinison
100. “Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Unknown
101. “Marriage is like a cup of tea. It’s all in how you make it.” – Unknown

• Funny quotes about marriage and responsibilities

Responsibilities pile up quickly in marriage. From chores to commitments, these quotes bring humor to shared duties, reminding couples that laughter makes carrying the load feel lighter.

102. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree, and a woman gets her master’s degree.” – Unknown
103. “Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.” – Unknown
104. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” – Unknown
105. “Marriage: because your relationship wasn’t complicated enough already.” – Unknown
106. “In marriage, if you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” – Unknown
107. “Marriage is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend every night of the week.” – Unknown
108. “A marriage is where each partner secretly suspects the other one got the better deal.” – Unknown
109. “Marriage is when your spouse’s snoring becomes your new bedtime lullaby.” – Unknown
110. “Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.” – Unknown
111. “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.” – Unknown
112. “Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – Unknown
113. “Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Unknown
114. “Marriage is when a husband and wife agree to live together for the rest of their lives, and then they start to argue about who left the toilet seat up.” – Unknown
115. “Being in a marriage means having short conversations which always seem too long.” – Unknown

Let it be fun!

Marriage isn’t meant to be taken seriously every single moment… and honestly, that’s part of its charm. Laughter has a quiet way of easing tension, softening misunderstandings, and turning ordinary days into shared memories.

Some jokes feel familiar, some hit a little too close to home, and others simply make you smile without knowing why. Funny marriage quotes remind us that love grows best when it’s allowed to be playful, imperfect, and human.

After all, what’s a lasting partnership without inside jokes, gentle teasing, and a few laughs along the way?

Sometimes, that shared smile says everything.

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Rachael Pace Author

Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships... Read more and is passionate about writing on them. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. Read less